"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand the idea of subatomic particles that make up the basic building blocks of quantum mechanics underlying the innate vibrational nature of matter itself."

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Bush calls for reinstatement of draught

New Initiative Seeks to Unite Americans for War Effort

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


On the eve of the new year, President Bush called for the reinstatement of the selective draught across the country. With deep divisions in America creating tensions between pro- and anti-Constitutional factions, the reinstatement of the draught is intended to unite Americans in an inebriated patriotic fervor.

After Bush's announcement during his weekly Sunday radio address, new Selective Draught Service committees were set to take action in cities and towns across the nation. College towns would be especially targeted, said one unidentified Draught Board member.

In an exclusive La Rochelle Times interview, Selective Draught Service chairman Brigham Bakholme explained the development of draught steering committes, such as the Board for the Evolution of Everyday Responsibilities (BEER) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, an area already heavily affected in the past by the draught. The Board intends to appeal to citizens' common goals for a unified society, by bringing the draught to their doorsteps. By organizing weekly Friday and Saturday night committee meetings, concerning how to best fulfill draught responsibilities, BEER hopes to provide a new sense of meaning for citizens worried about their country's direction.

Through new initiatives, such as BEER, Bush hopes to reinvigorate enthousiasm for the global War on Terror. With enough draught momentum, explained Bush, the country will be able to provide hundreds of thousands more troops for the ongoing fight against radical Islamic extremists in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, Lebanon, Egypt, Cuba and Mexico. Moreover, some analyists estimate that BEER and its affiliates may be so effective, they will eliminate a lot of the reasoned opposition to the conflict by uniting everyone under a common cause. Bush has also shown his support for the draught by participating in BEER-like gatherings as part of the build-up to the larger draught movement.

The reinstatement of the draught is expected to make its way into American life throughout 2007, with examples such as BEER becoming much more commonplace. The selective draught/BEER initiative has the full support of Congress, the Supreme Court, the Red-State Political Action Committee, the NASCAR Association, the NFL, Major League Baseball, as well as countless College Campus recreational establishments. It is also expected to garner widespread support in rural and urban communities.

NSA to release 'Best of 2006' intercepted communications

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


The National Security Agency announced plans on Friday to release a 'Best of 2006' edition of wiretapped terrorist conversations for public purchase. The move comes at a time where increased scrutiny may be placed on the secretive wiretapping programs, with a Democratic Congress holding oversight hearings.

Some have speculated the release could be a way to ease public misgivings about the programs, which monitor domestic calls when they have possible links to terrorists or other enemy combattants overseas. The audio files, available in mp3, podcast and downloadable formats, will be released in early January for an initial cost of $9.99, a special introductory offer. However, it stipulates membership to Republican activism groups and requires a donation of $49.99 to the Republican party.

The price may later increase if the downloads prove popular. It is thought, however, that peer-to-peer networks will soon trade the new files, and government revenue may be limited. The release of the audio files represents more of a rapprochement between the ultra-secretive agency and the greater public good.

In another overture of transparency, the NSA has provided transcripts of some of the "Best of 2006" communications exclusively to the La Rochelle Times. The full version, available for $9.99* in January, will include much more material. The brackets indicate key words as they were picked up by NSA central communications.


Terrorist 1: Hi Ted.

Terrorist 2: [Hijack]

T1: How are things there?

T2: Ah, I tell you it's like [living in a cave]. These long days at the office are [killing] me. If it weren't for the [children] I'd have quit this job a long time ago.

T1: I know what you mean. So, where are we on those [cells in Germany]? Any chance we could get those here for the transplant [operation] Wednesday?

T2: I'm trying. I'll get back to you on that as soon as I know.

T1: Sounds good. Hey did you hear about [Ahmed] in the [New York] office?

T2: No. What happened?

T1: Well, I guess he [blew up] at Gary.

T2: Really.

T1: Yeah, he was [about to go off] on John too but he checked himself.

T2: John? Isn't that the guy with that [white] girl living at his [house]?

T1: Yeah, she's [the bomb], you should meet her.

Or this juicy excerpt:


T1: So do you think it's a [good idea]?

T2: Hell yeah.

T1: But she's already slept with him before?

T2: Yeah, and he got VD.

T1: Has she tried it with Trey?

T2: What in the [world] do you think? [Trade Center] back to her place in tears.

T1: But she's had like [nine] boyfriends in like [eleven] months.

T2: Yeah, but she [changed all that] after Ben.

T1: [Ben Laden]ski?

T2: No, Ben Johnson, remember?

T1: Oh yeah, the one who [made plans] with that girl from [Arabic studies] class!

T2: That girl with the [big guns]?

T1: That's the one. She [hit] it [hard].

Further details will be made available when the NSA publishes its full "Best of 2006" audio and text index. Moreover, the conversations reveal some of the NSA's methods. For example, key words are searched and when a certain group of words triggers the wiretap, the software records the conversation. It then transcribes it into text, which is data-base searchable for the NSA teams. NSA employees could, therefore, key-search terms and cover large lists of suspects. This is a vital tool in stopping the terrorists before they act. Thus, the NSA receives little to no oversight from Congress, so that it can act in the best interests of the country.

*$9.99 special introductory price, does not include obligatory GOP donation, thirty days same as cash, no money down, financing available.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Latest Bin Laden video threatens Americans with 'widespread obesity'


Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


The most recent video from notorious American-hater Osama Bin Laden, released on an unknown and unverifiable militant Islamic website, and provided exclusively to the La Rochelle Times, threatens Americans with widespread obesity. Bin Laden, speaking in Arabic, stated that Americans "will feel the weight of Allah" as they struggle to maintain their ideal body-mass indexes in the face of unprecedented corpulence.

"We will show the American infidels what it is to be fat," said Bin Laden. "They who take our lands, and destroy our homes, and kill our children, and take our petroleum, shall find that they will suffer from the wrath of Allah. May their cellulose be a burden on their souls, if Allah wish it so."

It was unclear from the message, translated by La Rochelle Times terrorism experts, how exactly Bin Laden expects to inflict such widespread and uncontrollable obesity. Some theories include a militant Islamic takeover of the fast food industry, which would then be pumped full of trans-fats, animal oils and high fructose corn syrup, in an effort to perturb Americans' waistlines.

Some have speculated that al-Qaeda has already infiltrated the American food supply, and is responsible for the recent e-coli outbreaks tied to spinach as well as the Taco Bell food chain. The La Rochelle Times will continue to follow this story as it develops.

Conspiracy theorist keeps winning at 'Clue'

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Notorious conspiracy theorist Ben Lernen has once again won a game of Clue, bringing his winning streak to fourteen consecutive games. Family members and friends were disturbed to hear of the latest victory after recently discovering Lernen's penchant for conspiracy theories about the Moon landing, the JFK assassination, 9-11, and other important world events.

"It just doesn't make sense," said sister Candice Lernen. "He goes off all the time about how 9-11 was an inside job, about how there's no way 19 guys with boxcutters could have brought down those towers, and then he goes and wins at Clue all the time. I thought he was nuts but now I'm starting to wonder if he isn't on to something."

Lernen's mother said it doesn't make her son's points any more valid, even if he might be the best person in the family at unraveling mysteries. "Even if he's good at Clue, it doesn't mean he's right about the Moon landing being filmed in a TV studio in Area 51," said Mora Lernen on Thursday after her latest defeat at Clue.

Lernen's father expressed less doubt about his son's theories, but said that his son's recent Clue winning streak didn't automatically validate the other hypotheses. "I think it's important to consider all viewpoints, especially when there's evidence supporting them, but just because he figured out it was Professor Plum and not Miss Scarlet, like I had thought, doesn't necessarily mean the CIA took out JFK to start a war in Vietnam."

In accepting his latest triumph over his humiliated family members, Ben Lernen said it was time for the others to "accept the truth" and "change their world view," to conform to his theories about recent world events.

"History books aren't going to tell you the whole truth," explained Lernen. "They're going to give you the whitewashed version of events that the corporations and secret societies have approved, because they don't think people are smart enough to figure out the truth. But now, with the Internet, information is widely available, and people can make their own decisions about what happened.

"It was easy to figure out it was Professor Plum, because my research methods are superior to those in my family who aren't analytical about world-shaping events. Even if everyone knew it was with the revolver, it took my special conspiracy-oriented thinking to decipher Professor Plum's culpability in the Conservatory."

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Republicans to try new ad campaign

Evangelist tired of insisting he's not gay

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Local Twin Cities Pastor Harry Koch is fed up with maintaining his heterosexuality, according to sources close to the popular evangelical leader. Since 1993 Koch has been the leader of the Brothers in Jesus Ministry, with an increasingly loyal congregation of several thousand members.

Recently, however, Koch has become frustrated at having to assert his attraction to the opposite sex. Despite his marriage of nearly forty years, unrivaled fidelity to his wife - including but not limited to relatively frequent sexual intercourse - and no official allegations of homosexual activity, Koch has been under a regular barrage of questions concerning his sexual desires.

Recent scandals have exacerbated the problem, including that of evangelist leader Ted Haggard of Colorado, who was found to have hired a gay male prostitute and used methamphetamines after preaching to his ten-thousand strong congregation about the sins of homosexuality. Haggard is part of a growing trend of closeted gay evangelicals who tend to practice the exact opposite of what they preach.

Koch, a local celebrity within the confines of the evangelical movement, has always insisted that he is "one hundred percent hetero," although he does "enjoy a good gay-bashing as much as any other preacher."

"Pastor Koch always tells us that gays are sinners, and that they're going directly to hell, so I can't for a minute imagine that he would be gay," said loyal church-goer Betty Duzgeise. "That would mean that he would be lying to his followers, and there's just no evidence for that."

There have never been any official allegations made against Pastor Koch, although some community watchdog groups have called attention to his countless summer camping trips for middle or upper class Caucasian 7th and 8th grade boys, which are not chaperoned and paid for completely by the church. Koch has signaled his disgust at those who question his motivation and authority granted by his faith, insisting that his summer camping trips are completely innocent and meant to foster Christian bonds between the young, pubescent males.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Poll: Most Americans hiding in basement

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


A new La Rochelle Times survey conducted the week of December 18, 2006, revealed that the overwhelming majority of Americans are currently hiding in their basements. The astonishing results overturned previous assumptions that Americans were either cowering under the sheets or sleeping on the couch.

In a random sampling of 1,000 US adults, the La Rochelle Times showed, 68% of Americans responded positively to the question: "Are you currently hiding in the basement?" Although the survey did not expound on the reasons for such ubiquitous cowardliness, La Rochelle Times analysts have concluded that the main reasons include fear, self-depreciation or anti-social tendencies.

Approximately three-quarters of those surveyed are assumed to be cowering in fear, with the remaining quarter about evenly divided between the self-loathing and anti-social crowds. Moreover, experts contend that some may be cowering in fear while at the same time despising themselves and trying to flee outside social contacts.

The results of the survey were as follows:

"Are you currently ...

... reading?" 2%

... cowering under the sheets?" 6%

... eating?" 10%

... hiding in the basement?" 68%

... contacting your government Representatives?" 1%

... sleeping on the couch?" 4%

... defecating in utter fear and/or anticipation?" 8%

Margin of error is at least +/- 25%. Poll is not scientifically valid in Arkansas, Montana, Nebraska, Vermont or Utah.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Postal employees denounce mail-dominated workplace

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


A radical group of US Postal workers has joined together to denounce a workplace that they describe as "mail-dominated," despite recent efforts by Postal authorities to reduce the mail presence in offices around the country.

With the ever-increasing amount of electronic communications, the Postal service has experienced a decline in business and revenue over the last several years. Despite this, government employees of the Postal unions have banded together to decry the "exclusively mail environment" in which they find themselves.

"We feel like the Post Office should be expanding its horizons for the 21st century," said Washington based employee Dee Livhury. "If the USPS stays in the same frame of mind, of this '20th century mail-dominated' hierarchy, then they just won't be competitive in today's business environment."

Division supervisor Dean Eide balked at the claims, explaining that the USPS "can compete just fine, without the unsolicited opinions of certain minority extremists."

Regardless, the accusations serve to bolster claims of a faltering Postal service that is increasingly threatened by privatization and sub-contracting. Several teams of employees have organized activist groups, such as the Federal Employees for Modernization of International and National Interstate Service Mail (FEMINISM). They intend to lobby their traditional mail colleagues in positions of authority to enact change.

Moreover, FEMINISM advocates that more taxes and fees be placed on current mail service. This would be framed by a type of "fee-mail" service that would provide additional revenue for the cash-strapped USPS. By beginning a co-existing mail and fee-mail service, the USPS could bring itself into the 21st century, FEMINISM claims.

It is not clear whether FEMINISM or any new fee-mail would cause cost increases for the general public. Moreover, it would be imprudent, say Postal workers, to blame problems uniquely on FEMINISM or a certain type of revolutionary fee-mail.

"It's part of a larger context of change in society, due in part to the power of electronic communications," explained Livhury.

During the 2007 fiscal year, the USPS should work towards a goal of a mail and fee-mail system, where customers are better served by a modernized workplace.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Fox News says 'War on Christmas' could last 'several generations'

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Recent accredited reports from Fox News have surmised that the "War on Christmas" may last "several generations." The fight against secular extremists may take longer than initially expected, say some Fox News reporters.

At the outset, the war to regain notoriety for the oft-forgotten holiday seemed to be relatively limited. Since being relegated to the back pages of history by fundamentalist non-Christians, Christmas has become an obscure and misunderstood festival, ignored by the secular and brainwashed masses.

"People just don't celebrate Christmas any more," said Pastor Dick Prime. "We have to restore our Christmas traditions and take the fight to the secular jihadists who are attacking our religious traditions, by using any means necessary, be they chemical, biological or nuclear."

Since 2004, news organisations have bravely begun reporting on the war on Christmas, which had been ignored for years due to the "Jews, Arabs and other non-believers controlling the media," said Fox News correspondant Xavier Selph.

Further complicating the War effort is the influx of capitalism into the religious traditions surrounding Jesus' birth. Questions have been asked by non-Christians, or those who only casually celebrate the Christmas holiday, about the effects of gift-buying on what is supposed to be a purely religious holiday.

"I think Jesus would have wanted us to support our economy and our President," said Pastor Prime. "If that means incorporating more capitalism, then I say 'God bless,' especially if that brings more revenue to the church. But what is clear is that there is a sustained effort to undermine Christmas from all these sinners out there who haven't accepted Christ. We need to take the fight to them and let them know: either you're with Christmas, or you're with the secularists."

When asked about recent polls showing 86% of Americans celebrate Christmas, some defenders of the holiday stated their frustration.

"That means there's 14% out there who haven't accepted Christmas or maybe even Jesus," Sunday school teacher Fran Tick commented. "We need to bring the fight to them. That's over 45 million Americans, within our borders, who are waging a war against our Way of Life. They need to be re-educated and taught what it is to be American. That means accepting Christ and celebrating Jesus' birthday whether they like it or not. Together with the government and Department of Homeland Security, we're looking at special re-education camps to teach them the meaning of Christian traditions."

Indeed, Halliburton and Kellogg Brown and Root (KBR) have recently been contracted to build special camps around the US in what is forseen as the first steps in a wider front on the escalating war. Primarily defensive in nature, these camps would be used for captured "enemy combattants" that are caught promoting non-Christian traditions or otherwise secular holidays.

Fox News has recently taken the lead in reporting progress in the War on Christmas, which is part of a wider campaign in the War on Terror, the War on Drugs, and the War on Poverty. It has also been included in the Leader's most recent Three Year Plan.

Despite the fact that it may last "several generations," Americans are encouraged to prepare for sacrifice in the face of secular fundamentalists who despise American traditions and our Way of Life.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Eurasia declares Bush 'doubleplusungood'

Eurasia, Eastasia opposed to Leader of the Party

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


In a persistent attack against the Leader of coalition forces, Eurasia and Eastasia declared our Leader today to be "doubleplusungood." The forthcoming revelation underscores the enemy's hatred of our Way of Life and Freedoms.

Never before has our nation been the target of such putrid and disgusting filth disguised as propagandistic political hate speech. The Party feels denigrated for simply having to be an auditor of such blasphemous putrescence.

The illegitimate fascist state of Eurasia claims the Leader to be incapable of promoting Freedom and Liberty in accordance with the doctrines of Oceania. Their declaratory judgement of the Leader is of course nothing but a revelation of their own weakness.

"I think that, like, our Leader is great and I just trust him to make the right decisions. I don't think we should ever question that," said Julia Smith, member of the Junior Anti-Sex League.

Other Party representatives have affirmed their support of the Leader's policies despite recent military setbacks on the two fronts in Eurasia. Military commanders have said that they expect to recover losses after the Leader confirms the next Three Year Plan in several weeks.

The Leader has stated, and his bellythink confirms, that the Eurasian fronts should start to become stabilized and under coalition control with a redoubled effort for his new Three Year Plan initiatives. He also stated his support for upcoming joycamp and sexcrime initiatives as part of the same Three Year Plan. He has the full support of Congress as well as the Ministries of Peace, Truth and Justice, and the Junior Anti-Sex League.

Citizens are urged to retain confidence in their Leader by buying more Victory Coffee and remaining dedicated to the current Three Year Plan.

NOTE: Oldthinkers are reminded that any form of ungoodthink about the Party or the Leader has been criminalized as Thought Crime under the recent Military Commissions Act of 2006. Non-conformity may result in relocation to a joycamp.