Economy: Analysts urge investment in anti-depressants
Senior Economic Analyst
La Lune de la presse internationale
NEW YORK, NEW YORK
"What we're seeing is an incredible opportunity for investors," said hedge fund analyst Scott Free. "Basically every sector of the market is going bust, but we estimate that there will be a strong upcoming demand for anti-depressants, liquor and weapons."
Due to the increasing number of foreclosures and loan defaults in the United States, markets across the globe have been rattled by nervous investors who are trying to minimize their losses in the credit and financial sectors. Analysts chimed in Wednesday attempting to encourage "average, everyday investors" to "pour in their life savings now" while there's still time to invest in lucrative stocks.
Increased demand for anti-depressant drugs, alcohol and firearms may lead to a rally of those investment portfolios while all other categories "tank completely," investors said.
According to financial insiders, central banks worldwide are expected to continue to bail out anyone who invested "more than a million dollars" in the financial markets, which will limit liquidity injections to only the most wealthy investors.
"We're basically just encouraging anyone worth less than a million to invest in alcohol and firearms as a last ditch effort to save their retirement," commented Ari Minder, market analyst for Golden Parachute Investments.
Financial guru Rich "Dick" Prickardson, who just several months ago missed being added to the international list of billionaires by only twenty-five cents, said he was relieved by the Federal Reserve's bailout efforts.
"We know the Fed is stepping in to help out the little guys, like me," said Prickardson. "I think anyone who was saving for retirement would be happy investing in pharmaceuticals, like companies that produce anti-depressant drugs. There's going to be a strong demand for them in the upcoming months."