"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand the idea of subatomic particles that make up the basic building blocks of quantum mechanics underlying the innate vibrational nature of matter itself."

Friday, February 12, 2010

Medicine: New cure for apathy generates little public interest

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale


Researchers and medical professionals gathered early Saturday morning at the University of Wisconsin to announce a newly discovered cure for common apathy, but the overall public reaction was generally one of quiet indifference, sources tell the La Rochelle Times. The condition is known as Human Apathetic Disorder and is found in about 82% of the adult population. It has often been confused with Pathetic Syndrome, also known as Brit Hume's Disease, which affects far fewer people.

The treatment regime, researchers announced yesterday, consists of a combination of pharmaceutical drugs and intellectual stimulation.

"We found that by introducing people to cannabinoid-receptor derivatives and engaging them in new neural processes we could eliminate apathy almost to negligible levels. Certain types of alcohol also gave us the desired effect of reduced apathy, however the feedback was generally negative when this catalyst was used. Also the hangovers were killer," said Claire Voiant, head scientist at the Researchers' Institute for the Study of Endemic Underlying Problems (RISEUP), who conducted the study.

Despite the breakthrough cure and subsequent announcement by researchers, people have thus far remained largely uninterested in the findings.

"I was sort of intrigued by these findings, but I guess I just really don't care that much," said onlooker Justin D. Bachgrund. "I mean, for a few seconds I was like, 'woah,' but then I got a call on my i-phone, and after that I pretty much forgot everything that happened before."

Scientists have often stated that apathy is a risk to the general adult population, and now the cure can be found with RISEUP. It remains to be seen, however, if the general public will pay any attention.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Participants in honesty study accused of lying

Researchers dismayed by 'bullshit' answers from 'totally immature retards'

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale


People selected to participate in a psychological study about honesty have been accused of lying on the survey questions, researchers announced Wednesday at a press conference at the University of Wisconsin. The researchers went on to state that they now fear for the future of humanity and have mostly succumbed to hopelessness and deep depression.

"We thought our research could finally shed some light onto how the human mind behaves in regard to honesty in human relations," said psychologist Sharon Keryn Love, who helped lead the study. "But now we're just like, my God, how did we humans even get this far in the first place, you know?"

The research questions, which several hundred people answered, were declared a total waste of time and effort by the researchers, many of whom called in sick to the press conference. It became apparent to them that the results had been skewed when they profiled their participants according to their self-reported characteristics.

98,8% of the male participants described themselves as being tall, tan and/or African-American, wealthy and well-endowed sports stars with eight-figure bank accounts. Females polled were 93,6% blond, ideal-weight and well-bosomed super models who had husbands with eight-figure bank accounts, or who had recently divorced professional sports players with eight-figure bank accounts.

"After we saw those results we all thought, 'you know, this is bullshit,'" said an emotional Love to reporters. "This totally sucks. You do all this work to get some good information and have to deal with this type of crap. Our lives and our work are apparently meaningless and these participants are just totally immature retards."

Some of the researchers have publicly expressed a desire to regroup and refocus their efforts, after taking some time off to spend with family. However, privately they say that as the lowest common denominator continues to plummet, finding honest participants for a study about honesty will prove to be more and more challenging.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Report: Government propaganda to be administered intravenously

Department of Homeland Security to establish network of 'Crimethink Vaccination Centers'

Alain Terrieur

La Lune de la presse internationale


A report from the Society for the Organization of Society (SOS) commissioned by the Department of Homeland Security has recommended that government propaganda be administered intravenously in the near future, the La Rochelle Times learned on Wednesday. According to the report, citizens are to be given regular doses of intravenous propaganda at local government distribution centers which will be established on a county-by-county basis across the country along with the current vaccination campaign against the H1N1 virus.

"After months of study, we feel the most efficient way for divisive half-truths to be delivered to the American populace is through intravenous needle injections. Each American will be given a regular dose of propaganda along with standard vaccinations, in order to create a more acceptable consensus in American groupthink," said Greg Garius, a reputed scholar and SOS historian. He then added, "Try not to think of this as a choice."

In order to protect against the rapid spread of thought crime and doubleplusungood duckspeak, the government will oblige citizens to visit Homeland Security Crimethink Innoculation Centers at least once a year. There citizens will be quickly and efficiently injected with a dose of propaganda that will inoculate them against dangerous thoughts and ideas for a period of several months.

"We feel, given the current level of threats facing Americans, that this is the best step to take to protect the American people," explained DHS spokesman Ben Dover. "The terrorists are out there, there are balsamic extremists and homophiles everywhere, waiting to strike us. We can't wait for another September 11 to happen before we start vaccinating citizens against dangerous ideas. If we are to survive as a nation, each and every American must receive intravenous propaganda immediately."

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Schools to charge extra for bags

Joe King
La Lune de la presse internationale


Airlines have recently begun charging extra fees for bags, so many schools are now taking this idea to heart by demanding the same thing. A flat fee of $50 per bag has been proposed among area schools to reduce budget shortfalls, school officials announced Thursday. Students who show up at school carrying a bag will have to pay the fee every school day that they plan to attend. Bag lunches are counted as a separate article, requiring an additional reduced fee of $15, officials said.

"We'll be accepting cash, checks and all major credit cards," said LeSueur-Watertown District accountant Max Doubt. "With our current economic situation, overleveraging and debt burden, we need students and parents to step up to the plate and contribute like everyone else."

Some parents have balked at the plans, saying that schools should have saved during the boom years and not invested so heavily in subprime mortgage lenders, Chinese manufacturing and derivatives markets.

"We know they took our tax money and piled it into all these crappy investments," said disgruntled parent Juan Abete. "Now they ain't got nothing left for our kids, man. Why should we have to pay? I mean, like charging for bags, it's ridiculous."

School administrators have recently defended themselves against accusations of malinvestment, money laundering and overspending. Many tell the La Rochelle Times that they see charging extra for students' bags as a way of revitalizing their budgets by using an idea that parents are already familiar with when they travel.

"We have told the parents that we understand their frustration," said Doubt. "Okay, so we know that maybe we shouldn't have given our budget surplus to House of Cards Financial, for example, especially with all the problems they are currently facing. But parents need to understand that charging extra for bags is just another fee that will soon be commonplace everywhere in our society, so they may as well get used to it and give their kids that extra fifty to seventy dollars every day to pay the fees when they drop their kids off at school in the morning."