THE LA ROCHELLE TIMES

Sources: Tepco reports on Fukushima 'too radioactive to read'

2012-01-27T15:15:00.005+01:00

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

TOKYO, JAPAN

Tokyo Electric Power Company (Tepco), which manages the stricken Fukushima nuclear power plant, announced late Friday that it would be happy to provide the meeting minutes and reports from the committee overseeing the crisis, but that these documents are too radioactive to be read by humans. They also stated that they are not currently aware of the source of the radiation, but that it has been known to kill anyone who reads the reports instantly.

"We would like to send report, but too much radiation, so not possible," said Nomokis Gunaite, a Tepco spokesman in California.

World governments have suspected for some time that Tepco has been trying to hide information about the reactors and possible leakage of radioactive particles. For the last ten months the three reactors most damaged by the earthquake and tsunami have been powered down, but no one knows for certain if the nuclear cores are still intact.

Tepco has accused nuclear power detractors of "only looking at the bad side of catastrophe," as well as being "too negative" and "pessimistic." Gunaite insists that the scars from the disaster will be gone "within a few millenia" and in "thirty or forty generations you won't even be able to tell." He encourages foreigners to continue to buy Japanese products which remain "undervalued," and to not "think too much about it."

The Citizens' Association for Nuclear and Coal Energy Rights (CANCER) has given its support to Tepco, giving the following statement to the La Rochelle Times:

"We are currently dealing with an economic slowdown across the world. Therefore it is important for everyone to stop constantly questioning things. Consumption and compliance are a citizen's duty. We need to continue to buy Japanese products and build nuclear plants throughout the world. We are disappointed to hear about these atheist environmentalists who continue to insist that solar or thermal energy can be used without consequences, since we all know that would endanger our current bailout system of the nuclear industry and the Western economies as a whole."

The United States Deparment of Energy has asked people to be patient, stating that the Tepco reports will become available as soon as they are within normal radiation levels, assuming a half-life of 36 years. They are expected to allow unfettered access to the documents by March 2358.

Merkel-Sarkozy sex tape surfaces

2012-01-17T17:00:00.003+01:00

Future of Eurozone at risk after leak of raunchy footage

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

PARIS, FRANCE

Markets trembled Tuesday after footage surfaced showing German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Nicolas Sarkozy engaged in lewd acts. Investors, politicians and citizens the world over were nervously awaiting public statements from European governments for official comment on the sex tape, which was leaked on the Internet.

The kinky acts were apparently filmed after the latest European Union summit, where Merkel and Sarkozy had previously promised to "fix everything by next Wednesday."

Instead of concentrating on solving the debt crisis, providing liquidity to European organizations and redirecting social policy, it was revealed to the La Rochelle Times, the leaders instead preferred to fornicate wildly in front of the camera.

"They probably just thought it was more fun that way," said an anonymous French source from Bureau 293 of the Quai d'Orsay. "Obviously this footage should not have been released."

The couple, sometimes referred to casually as "Merkozy," has spent countless hours together trying to hammer out a solution to the Eurozone debt crisis. The leaked sex tape could not come at a worse time for the French leader, who has recently once again taken a back seat to cancer in the popularity ratings, after having ordered France to surrender to the obvious.

France surrenders to obvious

2011-12-15T17:06:00.006+01:00

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PARIS, FRANCE

In a surprise diplomatic move late Thursday, the nation of France surrendered to the obvious, marking one more humiliating defeat for the old, battered country. The late-afternoon communiqué from the Quai d'Orsay, heavily laden with nuance and double-entendre, read as follows:

"We are so tired. Finally, after all these years, we can go on no longer. It is so obvious now, that we must surrender to it. Vive l'évidence, vive la France!"

Political commentators the world over were quick to jump on the surprise announcement.

FOX New's Hugh Briss said:

"This is so typical of the French, always surrendering. No one has a monopoly on white flags when it comes to the obvious. Who do they think they are? Do they think they're better than us or something? I don't get it."

MSNBCBS's Jess Furgidett commented:

"This is so typical of the French, always surrendering. I mean, like, nobody has got like a, you know, who farted and made France the king of board games? I don't get it."

The La Rochelle Time's Ben Lernen opined:

"It has been obvious for quite some time, but it takes real courage to admit it. I applaud the French today for what they have done. Whether it be losing their AAA credit rating, or giving tax breaks to citizens who rat on their neighbors, or just generally feeling superior in a non-chalant, passive-aggressive sort of way, I think a truly important threshold has been crossed here today."

Point-Counterpoint: Pets

2011-12-10T21:27:00.006+01:00

Feline advocate: Cats are the best companions

You already know that cats are the best friends man can have. I don't have to remind you, but just in case you had forgotten I've just reminded you again. Now that you understand that, feel free to reflect on it. In the meantime, I will continue to feel superior to everyone and everything around you.

Let's take a moment to observe the surroundings while checking for any sign of movement. If anything moves, go find out what it is and if it keeps moving, kill it immediately. While it's dying make sure you take full advantage of its suffering and pain by tearing through its flesh several times with your teeth, then take your hand and swat it a couple times to make sure it's dead. Feel free to repeat this anytime you are hungry, bored, or angry.

Canine enthusiast: Dogs are the best companions

You are awesome! I love you so much! Wow! I'm just so excited that you're reading this! Is there anything else I can do to get your attention? Can I knock something over for you? Can I eat something? Maybe make some loud noises indicating some sort of danger approaching? Hey! Keep looking at me! I'm right here! Do you want me to go over there? Can I go get that thing and bring it back to you? Have I mentioned how much I love you? I'm so excited! Wow! All of the sudden I'm feeling sort of tired. Can we continue this later? I need a nap.

Whew, I sure needed that. Hey, you know what? You are awesome! I love you so much! Wow! I'm just so excited that you're reading this! Is there anything else I can do to get your attention? Can I knock something over for you? Can I eat something? Maybe make some loud noises indicating some sort of danger approaching? Hey! Keep looking at me! I'm right here! Do you want me to go over there? Can I go get that thing and bring it back to you? Have I mentioned how much I love you? I'm so excited! Wow! All of the sudden I'm feeling sort of tired. Can we continue this later? I need a nap.

World leaders: Everything will be fixed next Wednesday

2011-10-21T19:11:00.004+02:00

'Just wait a few more days' say Heads of State

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

BERLIN, GERMANY

World leaders who gathered for an emergency summit on Thursday announced at a press conference this afternoon that they intended to fix everything next Wednesday. The growing list of financial, political, social and environmental problems around the world will be taken care of "in a few more days," they said, but they asked people to "be patient" and not expect anything too exciting this weekend.

"We urge people to remain calm and allow more time," said French Foreign Minister Destin Toulouse. "Next Wednesday we will find the solutions necessary, so by Thursday everyone can have the day off. Just wait a few more days please. And don't break the statues."

Despite the growing unrest apparent in Greek riots and the Occupy Wall Street movement in the United States, leaders have remained calm by insisting that next Wednesday will provide the solution to the multitude of seemingly-impossible problems that have so far proved daunting for individual governments.

When La Rochelle Times reporters pressed for more details they were quickly rounded up and whisked away to an undisclosed location. Authorities have released a statement explaining that they also intend to find a solution to the journalists' situation next Wednesday.

States promise to un-execute the innocent

2011-10-03T19:34:00.014+02:00

'Wrongly-terminated' to benefit from posthumous rights, states say

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

AUSTIN, TEXAS

US states that still use the death penalty vowed to posthumously un-execute any inmate found to be innocent with new DNA evidence, sources reported to the La Rochelle Times on Monday. In a gesture of goodwill towards families of falsely executed prisoners the states will send a letter explaining the error and offering their apologies. The letters will also include a Declaration of Un-execution signed by the current governor of the state.

"We feel that unfairly executed inmates should also have the right to be un-executed," said South Carolina's state prison Superintendent Paul Bearer. "It's only fair to give the wrongly-terminated that right as a minimum. We recognize our error and would like to make it up to these families that have suffered by not having to pay taxes for these innocent inmates for so long."

The Declarations of Un-execution will allow those "wrongly-terminated" to receive all their original rights back after having lost them due to court sentencing. These would include the right to vote, the right to haunt and the right to owe taxes.

Organizations such as the ACLU applauded the move, particularly after high profile cases have recently come to light showing the need to reform the death penalty.

"This is an archaic and outdated form of punishment that puts the United States in line with other Third World nations," said ACLU spokesman Noam Moore.

"With over one in fifty US adults involved in the prison-industrial complex, we are glad to see concrete steps being taken to reduce the number of wrongfully executed inmates. We believe that superficial reforms and face-saving measures should be put forward by states in order to show the public that there is some change happening despite the obvious failure of the criminal justice system, particularly given the advanced state of corruption and mediocrity that currently plagues the American political and financial systems."

While agreeing to acknowledge wrongful executions, state lawmakers also promised to ramp up efforts at passing frivolous laws and regulations, particularly for the lower classes.

"We realize now the need to put in place draconian restrictions and incomprehensible legislation, in order to protect the innocent," said Georgia lawmaker Roy Altee in a talk with the La Rochelle Times. "Any and all natural and instinctive human behavior such as the need to survive, eat, reproduce and thrive, must be tamed. Not with education or constructive solutions, mind you, but with brute force codified law that leaves no wiggle-room for today's would-be evil-doers."

He added, "This of course applies to anyone making less than a seven-figure income, according to Section 8C of USC1023."

Families of the innocent victims of capital punishment will begin receiving their letters next week.

The La Rochelle Times obtained a sample letter from the Texas Bureau of Prisons:
(click to enlarge)

-LRT

Feline unemployment tops 96%

2011-09-26T21:11:00.005+02:00

Government agencies vow to put 'lazy fat cats' to work

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

A spokesman for the Department of Labor Statistics announced late Monday that feline unemployment numbers had recently surpassed 96%, with more than 19 out of 20 American cats out of work. The devastating statistics come at a time of economic uncertainty in the United States, as banks and brokers continue to pound equities, metals and commodities markets in order to pilfer every remaining dime from the average layperson, the La Rochelle Times has learned.

"We have recently witnessed an unprecedented decrease in the number of jobs for felines," said the US Labor Department's Xavier Selvze. "Most of these cats sit around all day. They display no sense of urgency or motivation, they lack objectives and they are clearly disorganized. The only things that seem to motivate these creatures is the food which they either scavenge in nature or obtain through dependency relationships with others."

The government's goal is to create new, dynamic workplace environments in order to give proper motivation to these unemployed and often overweight felines.

"We intend to put these lazy fat cats to work," continued Selvze. "Enough of this sitting around all day. Do you realize some of these creatures sleep sixteen hours a day? This is unprecedented and totally unacceptable."

The few cats that have enjoyed continued employment have often been engaged in laboratory experiments and scientific work, Selvze said. The government intends to increase tax incentives for corporations that use feline labor, thus encouraging companies to include an increasing number of cats in the work force. An overwhelming majority of the currently employed are involved in the cosmetics and pharmaceutical businesses, Selvze explained.

"In an ideal world, we'd like to see these numbers decrease to about fifteen or twenty percent," Selvze explained. "Most cats know they should be doing more with their lives. They really lack an overall sense of purpose. It's as if they feel entitled to exist in nature without contributing to our economic system. We're dedicated to changing that."

Man arrested at airport after wishing fellow travellers 'Happy September 11th'

2011-09-12T13:22:00.001+02:00

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

A Milwaukee resident was arrested at Chicago O'Hare airport yesterday on suspicion of terrorist activities, after he saw off fellow travelers and subsequently wished them a "Happy September 11th." Local officers from the Department of Fatherland Security overheard the remark and immediately arrested Darren Dusspeaquep, 31, who is being held in indefinite detention without charge and without bail until further notice.

"This guy just made this comment, like 'Have a nice September 11th' or something," said traveler William Mourne. "I heard him from where I was sitting having coffee. I thought the cops should have just taken him out right there, but I guess we still have some semblance of due process so we have to respect his 'rights' or some crap like that. A low-life like him doesn't even deserve rights in my opinion."

Security agents say travelers are allowed to wish each other a "Merry 9-11," but that the word "Happy" can not be used verbally in conjunction with a September 11th greeting or salute. The provision is part of the new Patriot Act renewal, they told the La Rochelle Times, and any infraction of the law can have severe consequences.

"We definitely want people to remember and commemorate 9-11," said DFS Director Pat Downe. "But they have to use the right language and gestures. Let's remember this is a post 9-11 world, so we can't just tolerate any kind of speech here. People need to watch what they say."

Officers stated that travelers are encouraged to underscore the emotional hardships endured in a post 9-11 world, using examples of personal stories and negative feelings of anger and despair. Rational analysis, sarcasm or outright satirical comments regarding the attacks could be considered violations of the latest Patriot Act, they explained.

"If people want to talk about where they were, how they felt, or how guilty Bin Laden and the Arabs are, that's great," said Downe. "But it stops there. After that, anything they say can and will be used against them. Especially if they try to introduce any logical analysis of data that we've obtained since the events ten years ago."

Local lawyer Jay L. Scelle, who just recently received his law degree, has agreed to defend Mr. Dusspeaquep. After having been allowed to talk at length with his client for five minutes this afternoon, he told the La Rochelle Times that Dusspeaquep has been known to make jokes in the past and has recently been prescribed Perkitup after suffering from a sleeping disorder. Perkitup is a recently introduced anti-depressant from pharmaceutical company Perplexia. Mr. Scelle insists that the drug may have had an effect on his client.

Dusspeaquep is expected to be arraigned in Federal Court on terrorism-related charges before 2023.

Presidential candidates promise to look like they are in charge

2011-08-31T15:51:00.007+02:00

Frontrunners swear oath to use powerful body language, appear busy

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Candidates in the upcoming 2012 Presidential elections gathered early Wednesday at the Federal Reserve Ballroom in Washington, D.C. to formalize their campaigns. Among the duties and formalities was an oath in which they swore "to uphold the image of a powerful world leader, by using powerful body language, appearing busy, and always looking like [insert name here] is in charge," the La Rochelle Times has learned. If elected, candidates are expected to adhere to constantly maintaining an image of being the dominant group member regardless of what events may occur.

"We have crossed an important threshold here today," said Grant Pardons, Presidential libertarian candidate from Texas, who was among the lesser-known participants at the ceremony. "Now all of us are committed to looking like we are doing something concrete."

"It's really intended to function on a sociological level," said Behavioral Studies Psychologist and Grant Pardons supporter Betty Winze.

"We all know that if our candidate gets in there, he'll make sure to impose his dominant aura while maintaining the status quo, insuring money and no-bid contracts continue to flow into Washington. Also of course he needs to look busy so that no one begins to question why nothing has been done about our fraudulent monetary system, criminal bankers, corrupt officials and systemic breakdown of justice and equality. In order to maintain the façade, we need to make sure all Presidential nominees are ready to look like they are the ones calling the shots."

Attendees were satisfied with the candidates' commitment to mediocrity and triteness, particularly since some Republicans have been known in the past to be unable to keep a straight face while taking oaths.

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Scientists: East Coast quake may have been Obama's Fault

2011-08-24T18:38:00.007+02:00

Newly discovered seismic zone named after current President could have sparked tremor, say geologists

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

A recently discovered fault along the East Coast named for President Obama is believed to be responsible for the earthquake that jolted East Coast residents yesterday afternoon. At a press conference Wednesday morning scientists relayed the details about the newly located subduction zone and other observations to the La Rochelle Times. Washington insiders were quick to respond.

"We were almost certain this was Obama's Fault from the start," said Congressional Republican Warren Eirack. "As soon as I felt the ground start shaking I thought to myself, you know, if it hadn't been for this administration, this would never have happened."

Scientists were more hesitant to say it was entirely Obama's Fault, stating that it could have been a combination of faults that led to the unexpected tremor.

"Any unexpected shake-up of the status quo, whether it be a minor tremor or a major terrestrial upheaval, is usually the result of a combination of factors," said geologist Anna Thema. "It's easy to say it was Obama's Fault. While that may be somewhat true, the reality is it was probably a complex chain of events that led to this unusual event. If we truly want to understand the phenomenon, we have to get past saying it was Obama's Fault and look at the other faults present within the same system."

Some Republicans were nonplussed after hearing Thema's remarks.

"Regardless of what the people who believe in evolution think, the truth is undeniable. This event was still primarily Obama's Fault," retorted Eirack after the press conference. "Obviously something could have been done sooner, and nothing was. Here we are giving money to these fundamentalist scientific extremists, and all they can do is say, 'hey lookie here we found ourselves a nice new subduction zone.' Well woopdie [frickin'] do! I don't know about my colleagues but I'll be the first to cut funding to these Pagan circle dancers if they don't own up, admit it was Obama's Fault and try and do something about it."

Obama's Fault was fully mapped in early 2009, after geologists had launched an initiative to locate new faults along the East Coast. Throughout the 20th century known seismic lines along the East Coast had been referred to as "white faults," but geologists had long suspected there were a number of inconspicuous "black faults" as well. Harder to locate and more difficult to discern, the black faults had sometimes appeared in data measurements but they had never been officially located and mapped into the system.

In late 2008, all of that changed when Thema and her colleagues finally pinpointed the location of the first black fault. Named after the then President-elect, the new black fault was studied in order to determine what its behavior would be in the future. By April 2009 they had most of it figured out.

"We knew by then it would behave pretty much like the older white faults," said Thema. "There's really no difference, other than some superficial outward appearances. But on the inside they act pretty much the same. When they're ready to cause problems, black or white it's all the same. We actually felt pretty sheepish after the fact. It's pretty naive to think we could find a fault line that would behave differently than all the others. Fault lines are all on crack, as we like to say."

TSA agent accidentally impregnates passenger

2011-07-08T16:24:00.003+02:00

Conception result of checkpoint error, says supervisor

Amanda Scorne
La Lune de la presse internationale

ALTANTA, GEORGIA

In a prepared statement to the La Rochelle Times late Wednesday, the Transportation Shame Agency (TSA) denied all wrongdoing in the unfortunate accidental impregnation of a nubile female passenger last Friday. The buxom, twenty-something brunette, described by friends and relatives as "above-average" and "hot," was found to be pregnant upon arrival at LAX after having passed through TSA screening in Atlanta.

After suspecting that the routine screening and vaginal penetration at TSA security checkpoint at Hartfield-Jackson International Airport could have led to her impregnation, the woman visited a medical facility to undergo testing. Analysis confirmed that TSA sperm was in fact used to impregnante her, according to several sources.

"This is really a ... misunderstanding," explained TSA regional supervisor Kirsten Swore. "The public needs to realize that no TSA agent would intentionally impregnate a passenger. Obviously this was a case where ... some ... sperm got loose. Unfortunately it found its way into an unsuspecting passenger. These things happen, so people just need to be ... patient, form a clear line, remove any shoes or undergarments, and allow an extra thirty to sixty minutes before their ... departure."

Numerous agents have told the La Rochelle Times that passengers need not worry about occasional impregnations at security checkpoints.

"We have to keep America safe," said Memphis agent Felix Cited. "If that means having to impregnate a few people from time to time, then I guess that's something Americans are just going to have to accept."

Civil Liberties and Women's Rights groups have cried foul, declaring that TSA impregnations are unfairly aimed at women.

"We need to ensure all genders of Americans are being impregnanted equally," said ALCU coordinator Stan Dalone. "TSA agents these days feel that they can target certain groups, but they need to think twice about their actions."

Legislation currently being proposed in Texas would bar TSA agents from penetrating most passengers unless absolutely warranted. Federal authorities, however, have threatened to cancel all flights to Texas if the bill passes, despite the fact that many regions of Texas remain totally uninteresting to most travellers.

Moreover, the TSA has said, passengers should take into account that free cancer screenings are being offered with every body scan.

"Texans need to understand that their security is nearly as important as other Americans', and almost five times as important as that of people from other countries, particularly Mexico," commented Swore. "Think of it as a tiered system. One American life is worth about two Texans at current rates, or about 5.4 foreigers, so our work is clearly cut out for us."

The nubile young woman has not yet said whether she wishes to press charges. The La Rochelle Times will continue to follow the foetus as it develops.

Strains of ADHD, PTSD combine to form mutant Post-Traumatic Attention-Deficit Hyperactive-Stress Disorder

2011-04-04T14:33:00.009+02:00

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

Doctors held an urgent press conference Monday to alert the public to a mutant strain, dubbed PTADHSD, that has developed after Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder combined unexpectedly.

The spread of the mutant form is problematic, since it causes its victims to have multiple hallucinations while not being able to pay attention to any of them for more than a few seconds. During the episodes victims often sweat profusely while running in circles, sometimes called "doing flashback laps" by industry experts. When this is finished, doctors have noticed, victims are often traumatized by the episodes which can lead to further onset of PTADHSD as a vicious cycle ensues.

"This is the mother of all disorders," said Dr. Noah Poinment. "Normally patients with ADHD or PTSD are already dealing with a lot. Now we have the two combining to create this type of super-disease which we are just going to have to fight with more and more prescription medications.

"We really hope to treat the symptoms of this disease. Obviously finding the root causes is much less important, since that would simply lead us down a dangerous path of calling many of our fundamental societal values into question. So since that can't be done, we intend to prescribe our way to health by working with the drug companies to find a costly short-term cure."

It is not currently understood exactly how the disease is contracted or transmitted. Some fringe alternative-medicine groups have postulated that people who exhibit mindless consumption, psychopathic tendencies for personal gain and dedication to the status quo may be more at risk, although mainstream doctors dismiss this theory.

Pharmaceutical companies rejoiced at the news Monday afternoon, however, as they scrambled to ramp up production of existing treatments. Plans are in the works to develop more patented drugs that consumers will be forced to buy at inflated prices, thereby helping the companies' bottom lines.

"This will be great for our shareholders and the board of directors," said Robert Trezurie, executive marketing strategist for the pharmaceutical maker Perplexia. "Everyone who is important is positively affected by today's freak discovery."

Drug makers and doctors hope to have a profitable cure for PTADHSD within the next several hours.

United States Mint to switch to chocolate coinage

2011-03-19T15:31:00.006+01:00

Move expected to sweeten economy

Luke Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The US Mint announced late Friday that starting this summer new US coinage would be issued in solid chocolate. The move comes as metals prices continue to increase and the Federal Reserve is launching a 24-hour cable news channel featuring constant footage of money being printed.

"We felt this was a way to show America that our economy can remain strong," said US Treasury spokesman William Akemoore. "Since the metal value of pennies and nickels now far exceeds their nominal value, we think switching to a chocolate-based coinage will allow for price stabilization. We hope that consumers will not hold on to the new coins for too long, since doing that will likely melt them into one large sticky mass of liquid chocolate. So Americans will now have to spend their change quickly if they don't want it to melt. This will most certainly boost the economy."

The US Mint plans to take all obsolete metal coinage out of circulation by mid-summer. The plan is to scrap the metal and sell it to China for about 25% of its market value in exchange for valuable US Treasury bonds.

The new coins will be wrapped in a gold-colored foil that the Mint hopes will dupe an overwhelming majority of Americans into thinking the coins have some metal value.

Wal-Mart will be participating in the move, launching a new "Change We Can Believe In" advertising campaign in its stores to restore faith in American coinage and increase consumer confidence.

Critics of the switch have underlined the diminishing value of the US dollar, the Federal Reserve's relentless money printing and inflation, which in theory could be brought under control through debt reduction and backing the currency with tangible goods and assets, such as precious metals.

"That's just simply doubleplusungoodthink," explained Akemoore. "Obviously we're working to help restore the American economy. We've got other major problems to deal with, and Americans should be focusing their energy on those instead: terrorism, crimethink, and sexcrime continue to be the major issues in America today. We need to restore our currency system so that we can continue to fund joycamps around the country and win the war in Eurasia. Switching over to a chocolate-based coinage system is a major step in the right direction."

Teachschoolers demand a cure for lysdexia

2011-03-11T00:29:00.005+01:00

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

NOTWASHING, C.D.

The nation's teachschoolers came to Notwashing, C.D., yertesday demanding a ruce for lysdexia, which they say had has a profround intact on their stupils during their yeaching tears. It is estismeated that to up fitfeen precent of the general pulopation have psymptoms of lysdexia that often can go undectected.

"We are hear today remanding a lostution, so our voices can be met and our demands seen," said Yuri Mehmbur, a teachschooler from Breen Gay, Wisdinscon. "Far so the goverment hasn't done anything to redress our concerts and this is accuneptable."

While no one from the Partdipment of Deducation has presponded for the moment, there is pesculation that a new dubget of several brillion dollars could be conscratated in the fruture to help teachschoolers as well as stupils to come over lysdexia. The La Tochelle Rimes will continue to frollow the stoyer as it envelops.

US vows to enforce freedom in Libya with prolonged military occupation

2011-03-07T19:30:00.006+01:00

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

TRIPOLI, LIBYA

With growing unrest throughout the Middle East due to the increasing price of Apple products, the situation in Libya has become worrying for Washington. Thousands of civilians are already reported dead as the country falls into the grips of a bitter civil conflict that could last months or years.

"Best to get involved now, rather than later," says military expert Roger Datt. "The US has a long history of getting involved in civil wars, either through direct military intervention or through backdoor clandestine funding of rebel factions. This has historically worked out well."

White House spokesman Tad Strange spoke on behalf of the Obama Administration at a press conference Monday morning.

"All options are on the table. Let it also be noted that the Pentagon has supplied the table for today's press conference. We are ready to incite peace in Libya, if need be. If the Libyans will only understand the peaceful ring of freedom through the explosion of American-made Lockheed-Martin laser-guided missiles outside their bedroom windows, then we are ready to take it to the next level. We are deeply committed to making the Libyans understand what they're missing."

Operation Neverending Quagmire could begin as early as yesterday afternoon in order to bring about the total and unconditional submission of the largely inferior and poorly-armed Libyan forces. According to internal sources, the surgical strikes and precision military maneuvers will make quick work of any opposition and set the country on the path to freedom and democracy "within a few hours." The stage will then be set for phase two of Neverending Quagmire, which will likely last anywhere from three to eighty-seven years, involving constant but totally uninteresting military occupation of the country's oil fields.

American investors, hungry for profits in a downtrodden domestic economy, are also eager to pour money into military and industrial techonologies that could be used to enforce freedom and necessitate democracy in the arbitrarily-created boundaries of this coincidentally oil-rich North African country.

"This will be great for my stock portfolio," said financial analyst and investor Bysom Moore. "Boy I sure hope they go through with this enforcing freedom thing. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq just aren't cutting it for my profit margin any more."

A resident of Tripoli, Albi al-Reit, told the La Rochelle Times during a phone interview that the United States should stay out of Libya's internal affairs, and that the country needed to work through this difficult time without the interference of major world political powers. "We could really use some bottled water, medical supplies and other necessities," he said before the line went dead. Further attempts to contact al-Reit were unsuccessful.

BP customers in Louisiana report gasoline tastes like shrimp

2011-03-06T23:15:00.005+01:00

Company officials insist marine life not a threat to petrolium products

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

ABBEVILLE, LOUISIANA

Recently some residents in rural Louisiana have reported that the petrolium products they were sold had the distinct odor and taste of Gulf shrimp after filling their gas tanks at a BP service station. As is customary in the area, people often taste several drops of the gasoline "to make sure it's good," said local resident Destin Toulouse. The tradition was passed down from Cajun settlers who would also bite into silver and gold coins to check their authenticity.

"We always done taste the pushwater here in these parts, otherwise could be they're sellin you some that fools oil," Toulouse explained to the La Rochelle Times. "But come to notice lately that that there pushwater taste like shrimp for good eatin. Must a been that spill from last year, if that ain't the damndest thing."

BP spokesperson Trudy Nile explained that any taste of shrimp in the Gulf oil is just part of its natural aroma.

"We at BP have taken the strongest measures to protect our petrolium products from marine life, be it shrimp, crabs, dolphins, or any other type of species. We maintain the highest standards throughout the drilling and refining processes to make sure that no animal life interferes with our products."

She said that petrolium sometimes naturally has the subtle taste of shrimp, but that it was nothing to be worried about.

"BP consumers simply need to go on consuming, please don't worry about anything superficial, since everything is under our control," Nile stated.

Middle East in chaos after angry Arab consumers no longer able to afford new Apple products

2011-02-22T00:17:00.004+01:00

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

CAIRO, EGYPT

The patriotic spirit of freedom recently degenerated into chaos throughout the Middle East, according to reports from La Rochelle Times correspondents in Egypt, Libya, Tunisia and Algeria, after potential customers in the region realized they could no longer afford to purchase the entire line of new Apple products due to stagnant wages and loss of purchasing power.

Angry, seething masses of slave-wage laborers rose up in recent days against their tyrannical governments after finding out their salaries were insufficient to be able to afford the new i-Phone, i-Pad and other luxury electronics goods.

"We are so angry!" said Albi Bak, a protester in the streets of Cairo. "Down with Mubarak! Long live the i-Phone!"

Arab League spokesman Sheikh Djibouti appealed for calm and introspection across the Arab-speaking world:

"Please, I beg of you, please don't break the statues! They were very expensive and they will be hard to replace. We will get you your i-Phones. Just leave the statues alone!"

Other commentators have noted that the region, long known for its stability and cooperation with the United States in world political affairs, could appeal to Washington for a gesture of good will by asking for some free Apple products or even several billion dollars of Apple-store gift cards to be handed out during Ramadan.

Still, the political gesturing and appeals for calm have fallen on deaf ears as street protesters have begun burning buildings and bringing economies to a standstill.

"We will not go quietly into the night," said Hasni al-Redi Ben-Hir, a statuette vendor for Inch-Allah Industries in Tunis. "We demand our new electronics at reasonable prices immediately! We want no discussion, no reasonable commentary about how the Western countries are giving us worthless paper for our irreplacable petrolium. We shall have none of it if we do not get our new Apple i-Phone, may the blood run in the streets!"

Apple executives had no comment on the situation as of Tuesday morning.

Latest Wikileaks cable reveals Santa not real

2010-12-24T16:13:00.006+01:00

World leaders refuse to comment about release of confidential information

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

LONDON, ENGLAND

The terrorist organisation Wikileaks released classified diplomatic cables on Friday that revealed previously unknown details about the existence of Santa Claus. According to the documents, the legendary Christmas gift-giver is merely a legend passed down from generation to generation, but he does not actually exist. Governments around the world have been aware of the fact for decades, the leaked documents show. In spite of this, they have actively tried to promote public belief in Santa Claus year after year.

Wikileaks member Noah Paul Ajeez had strong words for world leaders after the documents were released.

"Here we have proof that our elected representatives have been actively promoting a narrative that they knew to be false. Clearly they could not ignore the fact Santa Claus wasn't real, and yet they continued to indoctrinate their youngest and most vulnerable citizens with this fable of a man who delivers presents to all good children by coming down the chimney at night."

Citizens around the world have expressed surprise at the revelations. However certain conspiracy theorists had affirmed for years that Santa Claus was indeed just a myth.

"I started becoming suspicious when I calculated the time required to deliver gifts in one night. It seemed somewhat difficult to accomplish based on our modern understanding of physics. Also, I became skeptical upon realizing that our house doesn't have a chimney and yet we still received gifts from Santa," said fourth grader Ben Lernen.

One of the cables from the Moscow embassy produced damning evidence for a cover-up of the non-existence of Santa Claus.

EMBASSY MOSCOW, DECEMBER 2001 RUSSIAN LEADERS HAVE CONFIRMED AFTER SATELLITE IMAGERY OF KAMCHATKA AND SIBERIA WAS COMPLETED THAT THERE IS NO KNOWN LOCATION FOR SANTA'S WORKSHOP.

ALL EVIDENCE NOW POINTS TO SANTA CLAUS BEING FICTICIOUS. THIS INFORMATION COULD BE DANGEROUS IF MADE PUBLIC.

TOMORROW PRESIDENT BUSH WILL BE INSTRUCTED BY HANDLERS TO SIGN EXECUTIVE ORDER 11920. PLAN TO MAINTAIN OFFICIAL PUBLIC STORY AS PROMOTING THE EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUS WILL GO FORWARD.

CITIZENS MUST NOT BECOME AWARE OF PROOF THAT SANTA CLAUS DOES NOT EXIST AS THIS COULD CAUSE A LOSS OF FAITH IN AUTHORITIES.

The La Rochelle Times was not successful at obtaining any comments from world leaders after the cable was leaked today.

New airport body scanners to include free cancer screening

2010-10-26T16:33:00.005+02:00

Travelers will receive health report printout after passing through security

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Department of Homeland Security announced early Tuesday that the new body scanners being placed in airports throughout the country would offer free cancer screening to passengers who pass through them. A printout will be provided to all travelers upon completion of their security checks, indicating their threat level score as well as any potential cancerous tumors they may currently have.

"We felt this was a great service we could offer to the public, in addition to providing safer air travel," said DHS spokesman Holden M. Downe. "This way passengers can reduce their exposure to harmful x-rays by consolidating their regular doctor visits for cancer screenings, by simply opting to pass regularly through our airport body scanners."

"I guess this is a good idea. I mean, who wouldn't want to have a free cancer screening," said Delta pilot Landon Tarmacque. "Just last week I had brought my daughter to the airport with me, and we found out she has advanced Hodgkin's lymphoma. It really was a relief to have that body scanner printout."

While the body scanners are currently optional for passengers, DHS hopes that more people will choose to use them by offering the benefits of free cancer detection. If this fails to entice those passing through security, Downe explained, DHS will lobby Congress to make the body scanners obligatory for all travelers. The cancer screenings would still be included free of charge, he has told the La Rochelle Times.

Double Rainbow Guy to be given own cable television network

2010-09-16T16:36:00.010+02:00

Double Rainbow Channel will feature 24-hour broadcasts of spin-offs from famous footage

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

Paul "Hungry Bear" Vasquez, who acheived fame from his viral "double rainbow" Youtube video, has been offered his very own 24-hour cable channel in a newly announced partnership between Microsoft, Fox News, MSNBC, CBS, Intel and JP Morgan Bank. The Internet hippie-turned-superstar has reportedly been negotiating a 3-year, $39 million deal that will allow TV viewers to discover all of the various clips, remixes and other related videos on one cable channel. Vasquez is expected to be the main commentator, using his trademarked style to provoke insightful dialogue about different video creations for a dumbed-down target audience.

"We felt this was a great opportunity to take an everyday guy who saw an incredible natural phenomenon, and reacted to it with the excitement and exaltation typical of someone in touch with his mind, body and soul, and subsequently turn it into a non-intellectual, profit-making advertising venture on television," said Fox News Corporation's Hugh Briss. "We really hope viewers will put aside their silly ideas of sustainable agriculture, off-the-grid living and environmentalism in favor of our pro-corporate, pro-capitalist propaganda that will soon be broadcast twenty-four hours a day."

Vasquez has not commented on the deal, however insiders say there is a strong chance he may accept it since the recession has driven the average cost of a human soul down to under $8,000. He is a self-proclaimed environmentalist, growing his own vegetables and raising his own livestock while living "off the grid."

Through the Freedom of Information Act the La Rochelle Times has obtained FBI documents which show Vasquez has not been charged with thoughtcrime although he was initially investigated for freethinking when he drew attention to himself with his video in January, 2010.

"Man that would be awesome to have a Double Rainbow Channel," said longtime cable television viewer Ollie Niedze. "I mean, I hate having to press the buttons on my computer [to watch videos]. It's so much easier to be lazy in front of the TV, you know in a totally non-interactive sort of way."

Critics of the offer have stated that such a channel would simply be exploiting someone's amazement and curiosity when encountering the natural wonders of our planet and universe. They maintain that the video went viral because many people recognized the incredible beauty and awe inherent in the creation of our Earth and the amazing phenomenae within nature that may never be fully understood.

"I have never heard so much bullshit in one sentence," retorted Fox's Hugh Briss. "This is a marketing gold mine. This is every TV producer's wet dream. Vasquez needs to come join these media conglomerates now so he can capitalize on this action, before he's washed up and unpopular. I'd give him about another three to five days. After that, it's anybody's guess."

The La Rochelle Times has made the following clips available to readers who have not yet seen them, as samples of what the new Double Rainbow Channel programming could feature:

And finally, the Fort Boyard French television version:

Point-Counterpoint: Investments

2010-09-12T14:39:00.006+02:00

Finance Guru: 'Women are not sound investments'

Rich Banker
Investment Counselor

Speaking from experience, I can tell you that most women do not make good investments. Putting money into women just simply doesn't give you a lot of return in most cases. It requires constant vigilance, disciplined management and a keen eye for timing in order to earn a good return from women these days.

I've seen many investors simply fold, give up and walk away after having poured thousands, in some cases even many tens of thousands, into women. It's never an easy situation after an investor has been burned, thinking initially that women could be a safe bet but in fact finding out that they are incredibly volatile, hard-to-price and can very often default on expected returns.

So as this recession continues, I'd hold off putting my money into women and stick with other assets that are more robust. Don't get me wrong, some types of women can give you healthy, honest dividends for years and even nice placement options that sometimes surprise investors. Indeed, at certain times they can even seem like a safe bet. But don't let looks deceive you. If you have money that you want to invest, I urge you not to put it into women.

Housewife: 'The safest place for money is in my purse'

Goldie Chaynes
Financial Holdings Strategist

Any men out there who want to invest should put their money directly into my purse. In fact, that is the only safe place for money these days.

With the recession continuing, stocks falling, mutual funds deteriorating and bonds giving little-to-no return at all, investors need to start thinking about my purse as the best place for their cash. I don't see many other long-term options.

By putting their money in my purse, I will be able to spend it on whatever I think will hold its value the most. Right now I'm considering some diamond-encrusted gold earrings, black leather pumps and that new Armani handbag that just was put on display at the mall last week. All of those should be long-term winners that will allow my wardrobe portfolio to grow.

Investors need to rethink their options in these hards times and my purse is about all there is to choose from any more. If any individual investor wants to continue to do business with me, he needs to put that cash directly into my purse today.

To honor 5-year Katrina anniversary, National Hurricane Center promises to use African-American names for storms in 2011

2010-09-05T21:32:00.015+02:00

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

MIAMI, FLORIDA

A spokesperson for the National Hurricane Center announced late Thursday that during the next hurricane season in 2011 only African-American names would be used to designate developing tropical storms. According to the NHC, the decision was made in order to honor victims of Hurricane Katrina as well as the current five year anniversary that marked the destruction of New Orleans.

At a brief press conference for the news media in Miami, NHC spokesperson Skip Towne paid homage to the countless thousands of victims of Hurricane Katrina, going on to say that throughout 2011 the NHC would use an "African-American" theme when choosing names for hurricanes.

"We know that the government failed in 2005," said Towne in his prepared remarks. "We understand that President Bush, and really the entire Bush family in general, hate black people other than Colin Powell. We have learned the lessons of Hurricane Katrina as a nation, because we know now that no President will ever be held accountable for anything, ever, unless he is black. Therefore, we here at the National Hurricane Center have decided to use African-American names in 2011 in order to send a message that unlike most Bush-era government officials we have not forgotten the victims of Hurricane Katrina."

Traditionally storms are named in alphabetical order by the NHC, using all but the letters Q, U, X, Y and Z. The following provisional list was released today and will serve as a guide for named storms in 2011:

The decision to use African-American names has already stirred up more controversy among different ethnic groups than the African Union's decision to adopt the Afro in 2007.

The Colorado Springs-based Deacons International Coalition for Kindness Society (DICKS) published a statement on its website shortly after the announcement, stating that the National Hurricane Center was showing "racial bias" against white people by favoring African-Americans. They maintain that people of all races were victims of Hurricane Katrina, even if they acknowledged that many of them were of African-American origin.

However, DICKS website manifesto states that "promoting and maintaining racial imbalances is an important part of allowing religious and government institutions to control the population, through the use of fiat-based slave-wage job creation and suggestive implantation of arbitrary racial and personal stereotypes. The DICKS members shall openly encourage disparity between races in order to maximize these imbalances and further encourage religious and institutional domination over society."

Other local groups applauded the decision, saying that it was "damn right" and "about motherfuckin' time" that the NHC honor African-Americans.

"I was like, man, why do all these hurricanes got whitey names? Whadup wit dat?" stated Trysum Phearst, a local entrepreneur in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. "But now, wit' the NHC bein' all like, yo bitch it's on now and shit, I'm like you goddam right."

Phearst, who studied ebonics until the tenth grade before opting out of the public school system, gained notoriety in his community after working as a personal investment counselor for a local independent pharmaceutical business.

Sonny Hayes, an Atlanta-area meteorologist for KKKK Channel 22 "News With a View", gave his reaction in a phone interview with the La Rochelle Times.

"You know, we've learned a lot throughout the years," said Hayes after the NHC announcement. "Either through ending the tradition of indentured slavery in rural areas and replacing it with indebted slavery in urban areas, or through the Civil Rights movement that allowed blacks to die alongside whites in Vietnam, we've come a long way. I think today's decision by the NHC goes even further by showing us that there is true recognition of a distinct African-American culture. Without it we wouldn't have jazz, blues, hip hop or funk. We wouldn't have draconian crack-cocaine laws to fill up our nation's prisons and enrich local politicians. We wouldn't have random black males to suspect as perpetrators in every newspaper, or here on KKKK news. So really, we have to thank the NHC for drawing attention to the unique cultural aspects of African-Americans by choosing to honor them during the 2011 hurricane season. Let us all remember that cultural and ethnic differences are there to be exploited for personal gain, and always to the detriment of a minority group."

Hayes was previously featured in the La Rochelle Times when he announced in early 2007 that he was really looking forward to the next hurricane season.

Economy: Cheaper souls result of hellish recession, says Satan

2010-07-01T22:10:00.006+02:00

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

HELL, OUTER DARKNESS

Lucifer's latest commentary on the economy has revealed that a hellish recession has reduced the average price of a human soul, which has also been confirmed by government statistics released yesterday. The befallen archangel has reportedly been overjoyed at the number of previously uncorrupted individuals who have succumbed to greed and debauchery, willingly selling their otherwise heaven-bound entities for whimsical earthly pleasure in a time of economic distress.

"The decline in morals and personal convictions pleases me greatly," said Lucifer in a conference call with the La Rochelle Times.

"Never before have I had so much ease in conquering what was once the domain of the just and divine through the intrepid use of deceit and temptation," he continued.

"It is clearly due to this most recent recession, beginning with the subprime mortage crisis in 2007, that I have enjoyed such great success and advancement in my subtle takeover of the human race. The parallels are clear as I yearn for a continued and prolonged economic downturn in order to turn a maximum number of precious and unwitting human souls to the evil and corrupted debauchery of the underworld," stated the devil.

According to US Department of Labor statistics, the average price of a human soul has dropped a whopping 28% since 2007, averaging now about $8,300. The all-time high price for a soul in the United States was reached in 1944 at nearly $28,000 when adjusted for inflation.

The high came during the Second World War, when souls were cheaper in foreign countries and Americans were less bound to greed and corruption due to their patriotic fervor and dedication to the war effort.

Now, with soul prices falling off drastically and many Americans endebted with no source of income, Satan has succeeded in driving the average cost of a soul down significantly.

"I find all types of individuals who will give themselves to me eternally for an increasingly trivial sum," said Satan. "This pleases me to no end."

Calls to divine Christian authorities for comment were unanswered as of Thursday.

New $20 bill replaces Andrew Jackson's portrait with Michael Jackson

2010-05-31T17:30:00.006+02:00

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Bureau of Engraving and Printing unveiled the latest change to US currency Monday when it was announced that Michael Jackson would be honored on the new design of the 20 dollar note. The deceased singer will replace Andrew Jackson who has been portrayed on the bill since its initial design in the 1920s.

According to sources within the Bureau, the decision to use Michael Jackson's portrait was an easy one since the 20 dollar bill is also refered to as a "Jackson." Consumers and other currency users can then easily continue to use the "Jackson" without having to change their vocabulary.

"We felt this was a great way to honor the singer," said Bureau spokesman William Akemoore. "By using his portrait, we change the face of our currency while at the same time honoring African-Americans, white Americans, people with skin conditions, musicians, dancers, producers, and anyone with any kind of sexuality whatsoever."

Some inside sources have revealed to the La Rochelle Times that the government intends to print a large number of the new Michael Jackson notes in order to increase the money supply and stimulate economic growth.

"Michael could get people up and moving, and the new Michael Jackson twenty will get this economy up and moving," said the Congressional Economic Committee's Hugh Briss. "We intend to have so many of these printed, every American will soon be awash with riches and wealth beyond their wildest expectations."

Uranium bullion fund busted for fraud

2010-04-29T12:21:00.001+02:00

Investors surprised to learn heavy metal isotope fund was fraudulent

Amanda Laffatt
La Lune de la presse internationale

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

Uranium bullion investors were shocked Friday to learn that their heavy metal purchases of the U235 isotope were not actually held by the investment fund to whom they had entrusted their money.

Speculative gains in the uranium investment sector were checked after investigators began looking at a complaint by a group of individuals who claimed that U235 bullion coins they ordered on-line were never delivered.

"We very clearly were led to believe we were purchasing uranium bullion coins for physical delivery," said Lou Zuhr, a distraught local numismatist. "These were going to be handed down to my grandchildren. Now I'm out my money with nothing to show for it."

According to documents made known to the La Rochelle Times, the uranium bullion fund was run through House of Cards Financial's "Very Special Investments" branch. Director Bill Faulde, who remained under house arrest on Monday, said he was duped by senior management into thinking the uranium bullion was in the bank vaults.

"We all thought it was there," Faulde told the La Rochelle Times by phone. "No one actually thought to check on the stuff. You know, we have busy lives. My daughter plays hockey. There's a lot going on these days, and we just can't know everything."

House of Cards Financial is under official investigation for a number of ponzi-like schemes which have come as a total surprise to both officials and citizens. Company CEO Dick Wead is largely expected to resign within the next several years. The investment firm has also recently asked for government loans of around $230 trillion.

Barnes & Noble to begin fingerprinting customers

2010-03-02T20:41:00.002+01:00

Alex Terrieur

La Lune de la presse internationale

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Nationwide bookseller Barnes & Noble announced Friday that it would begin fingerprinting all customers at store checkouts starting in June. The fingerprinting would apply to any customers "leaving the premises," regardless of whether or not the customers had purchased any items. The measure is meant to comply with the latest anti-terrorism, anti-drug, anti-violence, anti-hate and anti-sexuality guidelines put in place by state and federal authorities.

"In order to comply with our nation's laws, particularly in a post 9-11 world, we feel we should just get everyone's fingerprints. That way there's no problem," said Barnes & Noble spokesperson Shirley Eugeste.

Customers have expressed enthusiasm at the new measures. Many have already lined up to be fingerprinted before the regulations are set to take effect.

"This is so cool. I mean, I thought it was going overboard when the government wanted to seize our library and hospital records after the terrorist attacks, you remember a few years back? I was like, 'who even goes to libraries any more?' So at least this way we know they're being invasive in a more relevant sort of way," said customer Stan Stille.

Other customers agreed that the measures would help to contain terrorism throughout the world.

"For sure it will stop terrorism," said customer Priti Manek.

Senator Harry Wetback (R-NM) has endorsed the measures as well, stating that they are exemplary of what "most, if not all," major corporations should be doing to help protect America.

"This is a great day for America, and a great day for freedom," said Senator Wetback told the La Rochelle Times this afternoon. "Barnes & Noble has shown leadership and courage in this area, especially because of the impact of their company on the lives of everyday Americans. By fingerprinting all customers and electronically tracking their purchases, both in retail stores and on-line, and then providing that information to the government, as well as other third parties, they are showing they truly love America and are dedicated to protecting its freedoms."

Fingerprinting, along with the FBI's recent request to log every website visited by every American, is intended to keep Americans safe during the prolonged war on the two fronts in Eurasia and Eastasia.

Medicine: New cure for apathy generates little public interest

2010-02-12T16:49:00.002+01:00

Grinan Barrett

La Lune de la presse internationale

MADISON, WISCONSIN

Researchers and medical professionals gathered early Saturday morning at the University of Wisconsin to announce a newly discovered cure for common apathy, but the overall public reaction was generally one of quiet indifference, sources tell the La Rochelle Times. The condition is known as Human Apathetic Disorder and is found in about 82% of the adult population. It has often been confused with Pathetic Syndrome, also known as Brit Hume's Disease, which affects far fewer people.

The treatment regime, researchers announced yesterday, consists of a combination of pharmaceutical drugs and intellectual stimulation.

"We found that by introducing people to cannabinoid-receptor derivatives and engaging them in new neural processes we could eliminate apathy almost to negligible levels. Certain types of alcohol also gave us the desired effect of reduced apathy, however the feedback was generally negative when this catalyst was used. Also the hangovers were killer," said Claire Voiant, head scientist at the Researchers' Institute for the Study of Endemic Underlying Problems (RISEUP), who conducted the study.

Despite the breakthrough cure and subsequent announcement by researchers, people have thus far remained largely uninterested in the findings.

"I was sort of intrigued by these findings, but I guess I just really don't care that much," said onlooker Justin D. Bachgrund. "I mean, for a few seconds I was like, 'woah,' but then I got a call on my i-phone, and after that I pretty much forgot everything that happened before."

Scientists have often stated that apathy is a risk to the general adult population, and now the cure can be found with RISEUP. It remains to be seen, however, if the general public will pay any attention.

Participants in honesty study accused of lying

2010-02-09T21:04:00.000+01:00

Researchers dismayed by 'bullshit' answers from 'totally immature retards'

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

MADISON, WISCONSIN

People selected to participate in a psychological study about honesty have been accused of lying on the survey questions, researchers announced Wednesday at a press conference at the University of Wisconsin. The researchers went on to state that they now fear for the future of humanity and have mostly succumbed to hopelessness and deep depression.

"We thought our research could finally shed some light onto how the human mind behaves in regard to honesty in human relations," said psychologist Sharon Keryn Love, who helped lead the study. "But now we're just like, my God, how did we humans even get this far in the first place, you know?"

The research questions, which several hundred people answered, were declared a total waste of time and effort by the researchers, many of whom called in sick to the press conference. It became apparent to them that the results had been skewed when they profiled their participants according to their self-reported characteristics.

98,8% of the male participants described themselves as being tall, tan and/or African-American, wealthy and well-endowed sports stars with eight-figure bank accounts. Females polled were 93,6% blond, ideal-weight and well-bosomed super models who had husbands with eight-figure bank accounts, or who had recently divorced professional sports players with eight-figure bank accounts.

"After we saw those results we all thought, 'you know, this is bullshit,'" said an emotional Love to reporters. "This totally sucks. You do all this work to get some good information and have to deal with this type of crap. Our lives and our work are apparently meaningless and these participants are just totally immature retards."

Some of the researchers have publicly expressed a desire to regroup and refocus their efforts, after taking some time off to spend with family. However, privately they say that as the lowest common denominator continues to plummet, finding honest participants for a study about honesty will prove to be more and more challenging.

Report: Government propaganda to be administered intravenously

2010-02-06T14:52:00.005+01:00

Department of Homeland Security to establish network of 'Crimethink Vaccination Centers'

Alain Terrieur

La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

A report from the Society for the Organization of Society (SOS) commissioned by the Department of Homeland Security has recommended that government propaganda be administered intravenously in the near future, the La Rochelle Times learned on Wednesday. According to the report, citizens are to be given regular doses of intravenous propaganda at local government distribution centers which will be established on a county-by-county basis across the country along with the current vaccination campaign against the H1N1 virus.

"After months of study, we feel the most efficient way for divisive half-truths to be delivered to the American populace is through intravenous needle injections. Each American will be given a regular dose of propaganda along with standard vaccinations, in order to create a more acceptable consensus in American groupthink," said Greg Garius, a reputed scholar and SOS historian. He then added, "Try not to think of this as a choice."

In order to protect against the rapid spread of thought crime and doubleplusungood duckspeak, the government will oblige citizens to visit Homeland Security Crimethink Innoculation Centers at least once a year. There citizens will be quickly and efficiently injected with a dose of propaganda that will inoculate them against dangerous thoughts and ideas for a period of several months.

"We feel, given the current level of threats facing Americans, that this is the best step to take to protect the American people," explained DHS spokesman Ben Dover. "The terrorists are out there, there are balsamic extremists and homophiles everywhere, waiting to strike us. We can't wait for another September 11 to happen before we start vaccinating citizens against dangerous ideas. If we are to survive as a nation, each and every American must receive intravenous propaganda immediately."

Schools to charge extra for bags

2010-02-04T13:47:00.007+01:00

Joe King

La Lune de la presse internationale

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA

Airlines have recently begun charging extra fees for bags, so many schools are now taking this idea to heart by demanding the same thing. A flat fee of $50 per bag has been proposed among area schools to reduce budget shortfalls, school officials announced Thursday. Students who show up at school carrying a bag will have to pay the fee every school day that they plan to attend. Bag lunches are counted as a separate article, requiring an additional reduced fee of $15, officials said.

"We'll be accepting cash, checks and all major credit cards," said LeSueur-Watertown District accountant Max Doubt. "With our current economic situation, overleveraging and debt burden, we need students and parents to step up to the plate and contribute like everyone else."

Some parents have balked at the plans, saying that schools should have saved during the boom years and not invested so heavily in subprime mortgage lenders, Chinese manufacturing and derivatives markets.

"We know they took our tax money and piled it into all these crappy investments," said disgruntled parent Juan Abete. "Now they ain't got nothing left for our kids, man. Why should we have to pay? I mean, like charging for bags, it's ridiculous."

School administrators have recently defended themselves against accusations of malinvestment, money laundering and overspending. Many tell the La Rochelle Times that they see charging extra for students' bags as a way of revitalizing their budgets by using an idea that parents are already familiar with when they travel.

"We have told the parents that we understand their frustration," said Doubt. "Okay, so we know that maybe we shouldn't have given our budget surplus to House of Cards Financial, for example, especially with all the problems they are currently facing. But parents need to understand that charging extra for bags is just another fee that will soon be commonplace everywhere in our society, so they may as well get used to it and give their kids that extra fifty to seventy dollars every day to pay the fees when they drop their kids off at school in the morning."

Internet addiction now cureable through on-line therapy

2010-01-17T21:24:00.004+01:00

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA

Web surfers who spend more than twenty-four hours a day connected to the Internet may qualify for a new program that aims to cure people of Internet addiction through special on-line therapy sessions. The group, called Lifesavers On Line (LOL), aims to get highly-addicted web surfers into a 12-click program, similar to a 12-step "traditional" program, which will begin to tackle their computer addiction issues.

The program is being spearheaded by Will Pauer, a motivational speaker and addiction specialist who has recently begun working with victims of the technology age. Mr. Pauer obtained his Masters degree in Psychology from Haarvard, an on-line university with 2,439 diggs. Along with LOL, he aims to create a web site and banner ads that invite people to cure their on-line addictions.

Funding will be granted through the government's office of Faith-Based Intelligence (FBI), begun under the Bush administration and continued under President Obama. It is also part of a larger strategy of abstinence-based education, proponents told the La Rochelle Times.

"This is a huge problem," said Pauer. "It's crazy the number of people I know who are always on line. I think we need to have a public discussion about the possible consequences of too much Internetism. I've been e-mailing and blogging about it all afternoon."

Pauer cited symptoms of Internet addiction as lack of motivation, general knowledgeability, overall disdain for the status quo, opinions at odds with the mainstream press and red eye. "Anyone showing signs of these symptoms should seek treatment," Pauer explained.

"We have a population that's drifting more and more towards self-awareness and virtuality. Consensus might soon be built through on-line opinions that are no longer controlled by corporate networks and information channels. Therefore we must act now to stop those who spend too much time on-line before it's too late," said an emotional Pauer.

GM accidentally lays off last employee

2010-01-12T08:29:00.007+01:00

Manager stunned to find own signature on pink slip

Amanda Laffatt
La Lune de la presse internationale

DETROIT, MICHIGAN

General Motors, once the bastion of automotive engineering and construction, officially laid off its last and only employee Tuesday. Executive Oversight Manager Mike Carl Stahl received a pink slip early Wednesday, but when he opened it he was surprised to find that he had accidentally laid himself off the previous day. Mr. Stahl was the only employee listed on GM's official payroll, therefore making the company employee-less, sources tell the La Rochelle Times.

"I don't know what I'm going do," explained Stahl when asked for comment. "I really didn't see this coming. How could I have known? I mean, I know the economy's bad and all, but I never would have thought, you know, me."

After introducing a revolutionary car prototype in 2008, GM has struggled to adapt to market changes. The beginning of the recession in 2007 hit the company hard. Some employees became demoralized by the realization that they may have contributed to the ultimate destruction of the earth's biosphere through the manufacture of individually controlled motorized pleasure units. The tens of millions of these vehicles may have forever changed society and the environment through the increased burning of fossil fuels, contributing to increased levels of carbon in the Earth's atmosphere.*

Calls to GM offices for comment were unanswered Wednesday.

*This statement has not been approved by select media outlets.

House of Cards Financial may need government bailout

2010-01-12T08:15:00.006+01:00

Firm seeks loan of $230 trillion

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Directors of House of Cards Financial Corporation appealed to government officials Wednesday to help them out of a funding quagmire with secured loans of 230 trillion dollars (180 trillion Euros). Legislators will soon hear testimony from HOC employees who manage the global financial assets of absolutely everyone either directly or through off-the-books, indirect market manipulation.

"Unfortunately we've recently noticed that some of our balance sheet assets have lost significant value, thus leading to our demand for government intervention," explained CEO Dick Wead on FOX Radio News. "Of course this wasn't really our first choice, but with the situation being as unstable as it is, we felt we should get a piece of the bailout pie while the oven was still hot, so to speak."

The sum, while not unheard of, is large by Washington's standards.

"The government bailout of $800 billion won't quite be enough to cover these losses," explained analyst Loana Bunchemoore. "In fact, a trillion is more than a billion, which means in all probabilty the government will actually have to provide more money. We could imagine it being an exponential factor of about 23, but we'll see what lawmakers decide."

The Federal Reserve has not yet commented on the House of Cards debacle, but insiders say some bankers have expressed slight discomfort in private conversations.

"It makes people uneasy, this situation," explained Federal Funds Director Rick O'Shea in a telephone call with the La Rochelle Times. "Bankers know something must be done to prop up the House of Cards Financial organization, but for the moment they're reluctant to take concrete steps."

Some critics of the government bailout have suggested letting the House of Cards situation play out, by simply letting the company fail.

"The free market always works itself out," said local Pastor Neil Downe. "If it's bankrupt, let 'er fail, cause I got my gold stashed away and there ain't no system better than freedom. The Lord will provide."

Glenn Beck urges Americans to 'grow more gold immediately'

2009-12-04T16:21:00.004+01:00

Cable news personality throws fit after factual error on program

Amanda Laffatt
La Lune de la presse internationale

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Cable television evangelist and notorious apocalypse enthusiast Glenn Beck has urged all Americans to grow more gold in light of recent economic events. On his show Wednesday, Beck prompted fellow citizens to cultivate the precious metal in their gardens in order to create enough of the it to pay off America's outstanding foreign debts, as well as back the dollar with a new gold standard.

"Every American needs to go outside, alot some of their yard space, because we know so many Americans are proud homeowners out there, and plant some gold. Grow more gold immediately. This is the solution to our problems," said the host during his broadcast. He then remarked to someone off-camera, "I'm surprised no one has thought of this before."

It was later pointed out to Beck by his fact-checkers - known as "Beck feckers" in the cable news circle - that gold is actually not grown but mined. The host quickly became irate and hostile. After threatening to sell his stock in the news network and file a complaint against his own show through the Federal Communications Commission, Beck then quickly stood up and threw several chairs and a cup of scalding hot coffee at his producer before running away sobbing loudly. The clip is expected to be leaked to a video-posting website by tomorrow.

New White House vegetable garden gets first crop circle

2009-07-10T02:33:00.003+02:00

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Obama Administration reported that the first crop circle has appeared in the wheat section of the new organic vegetable garden, begun by the Obama family this spring.

"We were surprised, but then again we weren't," said White House spokesman Tad Strange. "Obviously we're a high profile target. Someone obviously likes us."

The crop circle was small, only several yards across. It covered the wheat, corn and some of the soy beans, but displayed all of the characteristics of other crop circles. DNA tests are underway to determine if the crop circle modified the genetic material in the plants, as has been the case elsewhere. If so, the White House may offer the plants to companies such as Monsanto for genetic testing.

"We sort of laughed at it, you know. It's kind of cute, in a way," said Strange. "We have our own little crop circle."

"The Obama girls were thrilled," he continued. "Every morning they get up all excited, wondering if today there's a new crop circle."

Wildfires threaten cute, cuddly forest animals worldwide

2009-02-23T00:35:00.008+01:00

Ugly animals may also be in danger, experts warn

Ken Ustandet
La Lune de la presse internationale

CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA

Adorable forest species, such as koalas, squirrels, and many small furry rodents and mammals, may suffer a horrible fate of being burned to a crisp in temperatures exceeding 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit, wildlife experts stated on Thursday. Firefighters must intervene now to stop global warming before the fires can spread to other areas, causing more heartbreaking misery for the fuzzy creatures.

"We're trying to appeal to people's sense of compassion here," explained Herb 'Buzz' Dymebagh, a forest conservation and plant expert. "People just don't realize how many cute furry creatures are going to die here. Even ugly animals are affected."

Some experts have maintained that more cliche pictures of animal rescues must be ingrained into the public's conscience before the risk of large, uncontrollable fires caused by a warming planet and exponential CO2 emissions can be eliminated.

"If people just realized that by creating CO2, they're killing these cute little creatures, we'd have world peace and harmony and be able to bring our carbon footprint under control," said Shirley Heigh, a naturalist from the Public Animal Rehabilitation and Treatment Initiative, in association with the National Organization for Wildlife (PARTI-NOW). "We just need to know that everything is, like, really linked together, you know? There's not just 'me' and 'you,' but also, 'us.'"

Deeper words have rarely been spoken according to PARTI-NOW, who gave Heigh the top award for her work in animal conservation and plant cultivation in 2008.

Recent fires in Australia, California, Indonesia, Thailand, India, South Africa, Kenya, Congo, Spain, Portugal, Greece, Russia, China, France, Germany, Laos, New Zealand, Brazil, Chili, Mexico, Canada, Italy, Bosnia, Latvia, Denmark, Sweden, North Korea, French Indo-China Burma, and Vatican City may indicate that the frequency of such fires is indeed increasing. However, scientists from the US Environmental Protection Agency urge caution in linking the increase with global warming, stating that up to 93% of the planet is not currently on fire. Contrary to today, they maintain, up to 98% of the Earth may have been burning in the past, and all currently extinct cute creatures may have been brutally and tragically killed. Therefore, the EPA states in its latest report, it is too early to know.

General Motors introduces revolutionary car prototype

2008-05-25T20:48:00.003+02:00

New automobile will 'change driving as we know it'

Hadde Nuff
La Lune de la presse internationale

DETROIT, MICHIGAN

General Motors stunned the world Monday when it unveiled its latest automobile prototype, the X2010, also nicknamed the "Air Hybrid." The vehicle, which is constructed of 100% air, contains no materials whatsoever and requires no energy input.

"Indeed, the vehicle is practically non-existant," explained GM spokesman Rusty Pannells. "You don't even notice you're not driving it. It's comfortable, quiet, and incredibly fuel efficient. We created this concept vehicle to reflect the changing times for the auto industry and symbolize what we feel the future holds for automobile transportation."

Consumers will be able to reserve the vehicle ahead of the 2009 production schedule through a special GM financing program. With as little as ten percent of the suggested entry level price of $30,000, consumers will be able to obtain the first vehicles to come off the production line next year.

"We had some odd questions during the unveiling," Pannells continued. "Some were the usual things, like 'What options does it come with?' or 'What colors are available?' But then there were some more unusual queries, like 'Where in the hell is it?' and 'How are we supposed to see it?' and so on."

In a statement released Monday, GM Vice President Ron Ganserr said: "This prototype is expected to be a big success in the American market, replacing most of the current fleet of SUVs on the road today. It should also be well adapted to the dwindling oil resources that are currently affecting oil prices."

Controversial weather forecast incites hate letter from senior citizen

2007-10-07T14:11:00.000+02:00

Strongly worded paragraph criticizes Five Day Outlook

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

NEW ULM, MINNESOTA

Local resident Iona Haus, 78, of New Ulm, became irate late Friday after watching the five day weather forecast on local cable Channel 14. The incident resulted in a strongly-worded letter being sent to the meteorologist in charge of all local forecasting, Justin Kase, who has worked at the station for only several months.

"I couldn't believe it," said Mrs. Haus, a New Ulm resident all her life. "It was just so ridiculous. Back a few decades ago, we'd have never seen something like that. Now they think they can do all those fancy graphics, instead of giving the chance of rain like they should. They forget it's a public service, not a drug music concert. They should be ashamed of themselves and give their jobs to someone more competent. And those commercials are so darn loud."

Channel 14 refused comment after the letter was received Saturday, although one anonymous employee told the La Rochelle Times the scene in the Production and Editing room was "like a bloodbath."

"I'd be surprised if heads didn't roll over this," said the anonymous cameraman.

Disgruntled employee can't wait until manager checks e-mail

2007-09-21T11:25:00.000+02:00

Alain Terrieur

La Lune de la presse internationale

WAUTOMA, WISCONSIN

Local fastfood restaurant employe Tara Buhl has become so disgruntled with upper level management that she has reportedly e-mailed pornographic pictures to her superiors in an elaborate attempt at insider blackmail that is destined to fail, sources reported to the La Rochelle Times on Friday. The bitter, caustic worker, who has worked increasingly longer hours at minimum wage for over six years, has "finally had enough of this bullshit job," it was learned early this morning.

In a fit of rage and vengeance, the grudge-bearing wage-earner gathered an assorted and offensive collection of photographs from a well-researched cross-section of pornographic Internet sites. The compilation, which will appear instantly on the screens of her higher-ups via e-mail, contains "an unbelievable amount of offensive erotic and fetish material," said Buhl. "I even sent them the links to the sites if they want to look at some more."

Buhl expects to lure some upper managment into consulting her pornographic references; then, upon employment termination, she will accuse random higher-ups of sexual harassment, abuse and exploitation. In so doing, Buhl is hoping for a protracted court case and legal settlement that would provide "tens of billions of dollars" for her and her family. Buhl's lawyer, Cheri Pikker, insisted that the record of abuse from higher-ups "will soon be well documented and easily provable through compromising digital extortion techniques. We may even ask the NSA for help on this. As a result we expect a large settlement and compensation package."

Inside sources have also reported that upper-management is aware of the plot and taking steps to avoid falling into any "porn traps" set up by "low-level peons" who "don't seem to understand their place in the company." The sources, who have asked to remain anonymous, said the "blackmail Internet porn scheme is ultimately destined to fail."

Regardless of the outcome, Buhl was excited after sending the pornographic links to her superiors. "I can't wait until they come in on Monday and check their messages," explained Buhl yesterday evening. "They'll never expect it with the subject line I used: 'Re: New delivery guidelines.' The look on their faces will be priceless."

Anna Nicole Smith bored with afterlife

2007-09-07T13:10:00.000+02:00

BREAKING NEWS!!

'This is totally lame,' declares dead supermodel during ouiji session with reporters

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PURGATORY, OUTER DARKNESS

Deceased supermodel Anna Nicole Smith made headlines again Friday as she announced from her temporary position in Purgatory that she was "completely bored" with the afterlife and that her experience after death was "totally lame." Since dying unexpectedly on February 8, 2007, the former celebrity has become disappointed with her experiences after passing on from her earthly life.

"This really sucks cause I can't get any prescriptions here," Smith told reporters telepathically early Friday morning.

Through a prolonged ouiji session with reporters Smith was able to communicate her complete and total dissatisfaction with "this stupid out of body experience." The former supermodel explained that she was happier on Earth under the influence of a cocktail of prescription medications that made her feel like she was "walking on clouds in heaven," and that her prolonged wait in Purgatory has been a sobering detoxification period in her eternal afterlife.

"I'm like SO bored here," Smith continued. "I mean, it's sort of cool to have complete wisdom and understanding of the universe with the possibility of infinite extradimensional existence, but, like, whatever, it's not the same as being on all the news networks and having my own personal pharmacy."

Economy: Analysts urge investment in anti-depressants

2007-08-15T14:54:00.000+02:00

Shares of liquor, firearms manufacturers also suggested

Bull Marquette
Senior Economic Analyst
La Lune de la presse internationale

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Wall Street analysts urged investors to buy up stock in anti-depressant, alcohol and firearms manufacturers on Wednesday, stating that current market trends would create "an inevitable increased demand" for the latest drugs and weapons.

"What we're seeing is an incredible opportunity for investors," said hedge fund analyst Scott Free. "Basically every sector of the market is going bust, but we estimate that there will be a strong upcoming demand for anti-depressants, liquor and weapons."

Due to the increasing number of foreclosures and loan defaults in the United States, markets across the globe have been rattled by nervous investors who are trying to minimize their losses in the credit and financial sectors. Analysts chimed in Wednesday attempting to encourage "average, everyday investors" to "pour in their life savings now" while there's still time to invest in lucrative stocks.

Increased demand for anti-depressant drugs, alcohol and firearms may lead to a rally of those investment portfolios while all other categories "tank completely," investors said.

According to financial insiders, central banks worldwide are expected to continue to bail out anyone who invested "more than a million dollars" in the financial markets, which will limit liquidity injections to only the most wealthy investors.

"We're basically just encouraging anyone worth less than a million to invest in alcohol and firearms as a last ditch effort to save their retirement," commented Ari Minder, market analyst for Golden Parachute Investments.

Financial guru Rich "Dick" Prickardson, who just several months ago missed being added to the international list of billionaires by only twenty-five cents, said he was relieved by the Federal Reserve's bailout efforts.

"We know the Fed is stepping in to help out the little guys, like me," said Prickardson. "I think anyone who was saving for retirement would be happy investing in pharmaceuticals, like companies that produce anti-depressant drugs. There's going to be a strong demand for them in the upcoming months."

Increased incarceration of citizens to reduce dependency on foreign oil

2007-08-14T20:11:00.000+02:00

'More behind bars, fewer in cars,' say experts

Ken Ustandet
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Citizens' Organization for National Security (CONS) urged lawmakers to pass more restrictive and draconian laws after the August 2007 recess, in order to dramatically increase the incarceration rates across the nation. The group claims in its latest report entitled Jailing America: The Road to Foreign Energy Independence that incarcerating more of the American population would decrease domestic reliance on oil imports.

"Right now the United States has about 2 million people incarcerated, or about 1% of the adult population," said Noah Paulajese, a spokesman for CONS. "What we're advocating is a much higher rate, along the lines of 20 to 30%. By locking up nearly a third of all American citizens, we can begin to reduce fuel usage, as these people will no longer be part of the active workforce. Their collective isolation from society will decrease energy consumption, by allowing the state to mandate their living conditions."

Paulajese further explained that Congress must act now to pass brand new rigorous and frivolous laws that would criminalize most, if not all, everyday behavior. Law enforcement officials could then begin detaining larger percentages of citizens, whose demand for energy would consequenty be removed from markets.

In the report, CONS suggested laws criminalizing behaviors such as excessively loud snoring, direct eye contact between members of the same sex, and overt yawning. Previously some conservative states have tried to adopt such measures, only to see support weaken among their human citizens. The CONS report is the first effort to advocate such legislation on a federal level.

Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) applauded the report early Thursday. "Frankly, it's about time we had a real discussion in this country about behavior that threatens our national security on a daily basis. I think linking our nation's safety with a smart energy policy is the best step forward, and I welcome this report from CONS, as I'm sure any patriotic American does.

"It's high time we took a stand against these horrible criminal acts," Sentenz continued. "I urge my colleagues to heed our words now, before it's too late. Last year alone, excessive snoring accounted for more than half of all national sleep loss, and those numbers are only going up. According to a recent government study, eye contact between members of the same sex has been observed in nearly every homosexual relationship. We need to put a stop to this before it destroys our families, our homes, and our children's future."

Some international oil companies were cautious after the release of the CONS report Wednesday, explaining that incarcerating too many Americans could bite into their profit margins.

"We need to be careful about how we go about these meaures," said BP spokesman Tony Blair. "I think most people accept a certain percentage of incarcerated Americans, maybe even as high as five percent, but taking things too far could erode the free market economy on which America so depends."

Republicans are expected to sway most Democratic lawmakers by September, when new laws will be quickly enacted in order to allow the Department of Homeland Security and other, privatized police forces to begin rounding up outlaws throughout the nation. The resulting boom in the prison population would have benefits for the economy as well, creating jobs in the corrections and law enforcement sectors. New prison construction is also expected to offset the declining housing market.

Senator Phil Abusder (D-MI) was among the first to cross party lines and embrace the new policy suggestions on Thursday. At a press conference in Michigan the Senator explained that "adopting a higher incarceration rate would reduce a lot of the side effects of our dependency on foreign energy, and would help the economy by keeping down wages and unemployment. I intend to support whatever laws are needed to put a larger percentage of my constituents behind bars, and I hope all Democrats who love America will do the same."

Analysts enthusiastic about economy

2007-08-04T14:56:00.000+02:00

Bush: 'We're at war with gravity'

2007-08-02T15:22:00.000+02:00

Government agencies declare war against downward momentum in response to Wednesday's tragic bridge collapse

Ken Ustandet
La Lune de la presse internationale

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA

President Bush announced early Thursday that the United States would prevail in the newly launched "War on Gravity," which the President intends to fight "anywhere and everywhere gravity may hide." In response to the tragic collapse of the Interstate 35W bridge in Minneapolis Wednesday evening, government agencies reacted quickly to formulate a response that would counteract gravity's latest attacks against the vulnerable homeland.

"My administration and me intend to do anything I can to stop these evil acts of downward aggression," the President said during his announcement at the White House. "I've been talking with my advisors, and we think we have a pretty good idea where these gravity-based forces might be hiding. The American people need to know I'm going to do everything in my power to stop these evil forces before they act again."

The Department of Homeland Security followed up on the President's announcement by stating that excessive gravitational forces would be sought out and destroyed throughout the country. Anyone caught "aiding or abetting" the gravitational pull of the earth could be subject to secret CIA imprisonment and newly improved interrogation methods. "We intend to use gravity as a tool to fight the War on Gravity," said one expert. "Don't think for a minute that we don't know how to use gravity to get answers from those that may seek to protect these evil physical forces."

Some critics argued that the crisis should be handled on a more local level. Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty had not yet reacted to the President's statements on Thursday, but some analysts predict that as a result of the bridge collapse Minnesota could choose to invade a neighboring state, such as Wisconsin, Iowa or South Dakota, in order to stop gravity's advancing threat in the region. Others suggested that the state take extraordinary measures, such as detaining citizens without probable cause, repealing any and all civil rights, and authorizing widespread wiretapping of citizens, to thwart any future gravity-driven tragedies.

Around the state reaction was mixed.

"This is what happens when you elect a Muslim to Congress," said Ari Minder, a Minneapolis resident who was referring to Keith Ellison (D-MN), the first openly Muslim Congressman.

"We felt this coming," said another man. "Gravity has been after us for years, but we won't let it get us down."

African Union moves to adopt the Afro

2007-08-01T23:29:00.000+02:00

Hairstyle to unite sub-Saharan nations

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO

In a move designed to foster a sense of community, leaders from African Union countries voted Thursday to adopt the Afro, sources in Ouagadougou reported. When the new measure takes effect in January 2009, all African hairstyles will be switched over to an Afro-based model. All individuals will be expected to use the Afro in all forms of social transactions to build cultural equity amongst the nations.

The move was hailed by Afro enthusiasts around the world, who called the development a clear and concise step towards unity on the African continent. Despite widespread wars, disease, famine, poverty, drought, inequality, exploitation, slavery, corruption, lawlessness, revolt, environmental damage and misery, the decision to adopt the Afro signals a decisive step by continental leaders to confront the sensitive issue of differences in hairstyles throughout the 53 nation African Union.

Starting in 2009, any citizen who does not adopt the Afro could be subject to fines, imprisonment, dirty looks or execution, depending on which repressive measures individual nations choose to adopt. Citizens in member states are widely expected to embrace the switchover to the Afro as a base hairstyle, although enthusiasm was limited after the announcement.

"I just don't see how this is going to change the situation in our nation," said one detractor on the streets of Ougadougou. "Some people like the Afro, but I don't know if it's a good idea to make it a standard in all the countries. People should be free to use the hairstyle they want in everyday social transactions."

Nigerian government spokesman Kwasi Freeman maintained that people would be delighted at the unifying hair theme.

"This will create an unbreakable bond of brotherhood between the many different African cultures and religions. This way, we can slowly erase the subtle differences that make each nation unique, by creating one hairstyle for everyone, and enjoying the peace, unity, stability that follows throughout Africa."

America to build moat

2007-05-09T23:15:00.000+02:00

Candice Maistaille
Foreign News Correspondant

SPECIAL REPORT

From the Onion News Network

French auto industry welcomes Sarkozy win

2007-05-08T11:05:00.000+02:00

'We're going to have to replace a lot of vehicles,' say automakers

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PARIS, FRANCE

After the triumpant and glorious victory of Nicolas Sarkozy over the French electorate on Sunday, when the newly elected head of state received 129% of the popular vote, automobile makers celebrated the continued governance of the conservative right. Congratulating Mister Sarkozy for his well-run campaign against the other less-qualified candidates, the presidents of Renault, Citroën and Peugeot have annonced they will continue to support conservative politics in France, in order to create a greater demand for new vehicles.

"On average, every day in France there are three hundred cars that are burned," explained François-François François, a spokesman for Renault. "With Mister Sarkozy coming to power, we hope that we can double or even triple this number. People in France will have to buy more and more cars to replace the burned out ones, and this will quickly improve our profit margins."

The directors of several French automobile companies will soon hold a meeting with the new government in order to formulate new political measures and stimulate economic growth. They hope to develop plans to bring about more violence in troubled neighborhoods and sensitive areas, in order to rapidly increase the demand for new vehicles that will be produced cheaply in Eastern Europe. Citizens will be encouraged to replace their destroyed vehicles with new ones at three times their actual retail value in order to help improve the French economy.

"This is a new plan which goes perfectly with the ideologies of Mister Sarkozy," commented Destin Toulouse, a member of Peugeot's Board of Directors. "By creating some more misery in the poor areas, we create more violence, and a lot more cars will go up in flames. With the new strikes we're expecting, public transport will be at a standstill. So, out of necessity, people will have to buy new cars on credit, and that will prop up the banks, the automotive industry, and even the justice system. The Socialists could never have given us such an opportunity."

Sarkozy wins French election with 129% of the vote

2007-05-06T12:54:00.000+02:00

'We believe the results are completely trustworthy,' says Interior Ministry

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PARIS, FRANCE

Conservative presidential candidate Nicolas Sarkozy easily won the second round of the French elections Sunday, taking in a whopping 129% of the popular vote, sources reported to the La Rochelle Times. Socialist candidate Ségolène Royal received a mere -29%. The vote tally was based on a new computer system set up by the Interior Ministry, which used an experimental calculation method. In socialist-leaning neighborhoods, as well as areas with high percentage of government employees, all recorded tallies gave two votes per person to Nicolas Sarkozy, and negative one to Ségolène Royal. In more "normal" communities, with a white majority of households who earn more than forty thousand Euros annually, each vote was counted only three times in favor of Mister Sarkozy. According to the Interior Ministry, the new system "worked quite well" and "the result is very reliable, if perhaps somewhat audacious," explained Anne Equedotte, a spokeswoman for French polling places. "There's really no reason to doubt the results," she added. "We believe they are completely trustworthy."

France celebrates its new President elected by a supermajority

Throughout France people welcomed the results and began looking forward to the new "Sarkozy era."

"It's awesome that Sarkozy is President," said a young man from a poor neighborhood in Nantes. "I mean I've had enough of going to school and all that, and now I'll have it easy in prison. I won't have to take care of my family and my neighbors and all that bullshit. It's going to be fucking great!"

In Bercy there was a similar mood. "Hell yeah, it's awesome that Mister Sarkozy got elected!" explained a student from Paris' prestigious Ecole de Sciences Politiques. "I'm happy that we French had the sensibility to elect a new President by an absolute supermajority, who won't be afraid to reform everything to be more like the United States. It's about time! I'm so fucking happy about the results! And I think every French person should be obliged to think the same way, because there's absolutely no reason to doubt the voting results."

The new President-elect was expected late in the evening for a speech in Paris. Most of the electorate that voted in Socialist-leaning communities were ready to leave as early as tomorrow for new re-education camps, where they would learn how to respect their new President and render service unto the Republic under his new leadership.

The highly reputed La Rochelle Times will keep readers informed of this story as it develops.

RIOT:First Day of President SARKO
envoyé par aaraaara

Manif devant UMP Montpellier réprimées
envoyé par Paxou

Conservative French presidential candidate kills four, injures ten during televised debate

2007-05-03T14:11:00.000+02:00

French media declares 'distinguished victory' for far-right candidate after two-hour debate marked by long sentences, four murders

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

MONTPELIER, FRANCE

During the televised presidential debate yesterday evening between the two French presidential candidates, who face a runoff election on Sunday, conservative nominee Nicolas Sarkozy opened fire on the audience in mid-debate, killing four people and wounding ten others. The outburst of violence was caused primarily by the persistent, aggressive questioning of the Socialist candidate, Ségolène Royal. Thrown off and flustered after having been caught in flagrant lies and disinformation, the Union pour un mouvement populaire (UMP) conservative party candidate took out an automatic weapon and began firing into the crowd. Security forces intervened to evacuate the remaining participants, before Mr. Sarkozy was allowed to continue speaking and resume the debate.

After the incident French media highlighted "the power and the conviction" of Mister Sarkozy, declaring that his violent acts were largely the "key event" of the debate which could ultimately give way to a "moral and just presidency" if Sarkozy wins the presidential election on Sunday. UMP supporters also applauded Sarkozy's actions, explaining that the "power of his personality" was obvious when he made the decision to use deadly force against innocent people.

"This only shows us what we've already seen throughout the entire campaign," explained Anne Equedotte, a UMP supporter. "Now no one can have any doubts about the power and the convictions of Mister Sarkozy, and I hope that the people will remember this when they cast their votes on Sunday. I'd like to remind my fellow French citizens that if Sarkozy isn't elected, we might have a lot more debates like this that will allow us to demonstrate our convictions, as we saw yesterday evening."

The Socialist candidate responded to the violence with long, precise sentences and complicated ideas, which seemingly did not interest the television audience. According to analysts, the Socialist candidate was "way too into her thoughts and not enough into entertaining the audience," which could hurt her chances Sunday.

"In a sense Mrs. Royal knows how to debate, but Mr. Sarkozy gained a net advantage when he took out his weapon and shot the audience members. Decidedly, Mrs. Royal doesn't have the same strong conviction that the UMP candidate does, and thus she lost the debate to the right-wing candidate," commented Destin Toulouse, journalist for the French newspaper Le Figaro.

House Democrats introduce non-binding impeachment resolution

2007-04-20T09:17:00.000+02:00

Lawmakers vow to slap White House on wrist

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Democratic lawmakers introduced non-binding articles of impeachment in the House Wednesday as an attempt to voice, albeit in a subtle way, their opposition to the President and Vice President's policies. The articles, if passed by the House and Senate, would require no action on the part of anyone at all. Instead, they would simply be a statement that the President "could possibly be impeached for real, at some point either now or in the distant future, with no takebacks," said Democratic party leader Neil Downe. Indeed, Democrats have vowed since February of 2006 not to give up hopelessness, and the non-binding impeachment resolution seems to be a part of that political context.

"We felt this was the best way to tackle the problem," explained Senator Phil Abusder (D-MI). "Obviously with a President like this, in a time of war, you want to make sure that you send the right message. We don't really want to impeach him, since the system is set up so that all of our paychecks more or less directly depend on donations from defense contractors, but since a majority of Americans would like to see impeachment happen, we felt this was a way to find a middle ground."

The House is expected to narrowly pass the non-binding impeachment measure, which would then move to the Senate. If approved, it would be immediately entered into the Congressional record and remain available for posterity in the coming years. Senate Republicans have insisted they will insert language that will allow the President to veto the measure, despite the fact that it does absolutely nothing whatsoever.

Some House Republicans were quick to condemn the resolution, calling it "simply another example of politics in Washington," said GOP spokesman Hal Atosis. "We've seen this before, when a party wants to hinder the Commander-in-Chief in a time of war, not to mention a war that he spent so much time creating. They have absolutely no respect for those in power who have crafted foreign intelligence and international justice around a policy of pre-emptive empirical domination. Such a measure only shows their weakness, and when al-Qaeda has finally invaded and occupied the United States, I hope the voters remember that."

Image courtesy: The Onion

Gonzales to plead insanity at Senate hearing

2007-04-19T12:21:00.000+02:00

Attorney General cannot be held legally responsible for actions due to mental incompetence

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who is set to appear today before a Senate Committee, is expected to plead insanity in the case of the eight fired federal prosecutors, sources have told the La Rochelle Times. Gonzales intends to establish a legal framework for his complete and total mental incapacity to deal with any issues whatsoever, so that he cannot be held responsible for his decisions regarding his scorched-earth policies at the Justice Department.

“Well, it’s a hail Mary, to be sure, but what else have we got?” said Lee Galeez, an advisor to Gonzales. “It was his idea, actually. When I told him his claim that he was not involved in any discussions about what was going on was nuts, he leaped up and screamed, ‘that’s it! I’m nuttier than a Squirrel Nut Zipper bar.’”

Senatory Patrick Leahy commented late Wednesday that “if I said this is crazy, I’d be playing right into his hands. At this point I’ll defer any comment until he testifies.”

It has been reported that Gonzales is expected to appear in bedtime attire, such as pajamas and paper slippers, in order to reinforce his insanity plea. Certain sources with foreknowledge have also stated that aides will be placed closeby with drool cups to create a more dramatic effect for the Senate committee.

BREAKING: Tragedy in Virginia

2007-04-18T13:31:00.000+02:00

Bush gives military recruitment speech at Virginia Tech

'We need to send exemplary student assassins such as these to fight the terrorists,' President says

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

BLACKSBURG, VIRGINIA

President Bush travelled to the scene of the massacre at Virginia Tech on Tuesday to deliver a speech urging anyone with violent and suicidal tendencies to "join the fight against Al-Qaeda" and "sign up today for a tour in Iraq or Afghanistan." The President's announcement was intended to give peace to victims' families and at the same time make use of America's estranged and troubled youth by sending them overseas, where they would pose no threat to Americans.

"I urge anyone with tendencies such as we've seen here, like aloneness, violency and suicideship, to join our forces today. The terrorists hate our freedoms, but this tragedrey shows us that some Americans are expressing their anger in ways that are unacceptable to democracy," the President declared Tuesday. "We need to send exemplary student assassins such as these to fight the terrorists overseas, where they can help America's foreign policy," the President continued. "Together with the Congress, I intend to exploit this tragedy to the maximum extent possible in order to mask my previously flawed policy decisions."

_____________________

Republicans thrilled most recent national tragedy cannot be blamed directly on them

'This is truly a historic day for our party,' says GOP Congressman

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Republicans across America rejoiced Wednesday when they realized that the latest tragedy at Virginia Tech could not be blamed directly on them. GOP Spokesman Hal Atosis explained that the Republican National Committee was "thrilled that this one wasn't direclty our fault" and that it "gives us hope of bipartisan support for American decline."

"This is truly a historic day for our party," said Senator Harry Wetback (R-KY) on Wednesday. "For the first time in years, no one can point the finger directly at us and say, 'You did this.' Although some say that we could have passed stricter legislation against automatic weapons and all that, obviously this was uniquely the fault of a lone-wolf terrorist, and not the weapons themselves. This is why we need to support continuing legislative initiatives such as the Patriot Act, so that we can watch these violent types and unsuccessfully attempt to stop them before they act."

_____________________

Report: Student assassin was human

Candice Maistaille
La revue psychologique internationale

Contrary to previous unsourced reports, the La Rochelle Times has learned that the shooter at Virginia Tech was indeed a member of the human species. Experts confirmed on Wednesday the initial reports that the assassin had all the regular features of a human being, including physical and emotional similarities to the other 6.5 billion humans living on Earth.

"We were disturbed to find that this was the result of a human being," said local forensic expert Paul Bearer. "I think initially everyone thought this was the work of a cyborg or some other type of non-human, terminator-like entity. Of course we thought perhaps there could have been mind control involved as well. Unfortunately, the perpetrator of these horrible acts turned out to be just another human being."

ONN News: Immigration

2007-04-13T13:00:00.001+02:00

Immigration: The Human Cost

Tony Snow to receive cancer treatment at Walter Reed Hospital

2007-04-13T12:41:00.000+02:00

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

White House Spokesman Tony Snow, who has recently announced that he has cancer, will undergo treatment at Walter Reed Veterans Hospital. Only a short distance from the White House, the medical facitilies are expected to give last-rate care to the former Fox News reporter, who will be made to sleep in urine, vomit on himself and eat rat droppings while being treated.

"I'm confident that the care I receive will be top notch," Snow told The La Rochelle Times on Tuesday. "I know the staff and the patients over there at Walter Reed have received a lot of national attention. That can only be because of the exceptional nature of the facilities, and I'm honored to be able to receive treatment there."

Study: Kennedy assassination ruled 'accidental'

2007-04-10T11:45:00.000+02:00

Committee sheds new light on President's death

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

An independent, bipartisan, lesbian and transsexual (IBLT) committee released its findings about the assassination of John F. Kennedy on Tuesday, ruling the untimely President's death a "coincidental accident." Kennedy's death has long been the subject of conspiracy theories, including Oliver Stone's film JFK, which have fueled speculation about a larger conspiracy than the "lone gunman" theory supported by the Warren Commission in 1964.

The IBLT findings indicate that not only was there a lone gunman, but that the assassination was actually a random accident. According to the study, Lee Harvey Oswald was merely sighting birds and other fowl during his lunch break at the book depository on Dealy Plaza. Due to the heavy workload at the book depository, where Oswald had worked for a period of several weeks, stress and fatigue played a role in the fatal mishap. In an unfortunate miscalculation, Oswald mistook the President's motorcade for a covey of quail, firing directly at the President, instead of the intended flock of birds.

The consequences, of course, are well understood. While profoundly shocking the nation out of its "nuclear age" innocence, Kennedy's death allowed an increase in troop strength in the Vietnam conflict, as well as a long string of Leaders who supported the war effort in Eurasia. The tragic accident has reverberations even in the current Bush administration, which has continued the nearly fifty year old struggle on the wider fronts of the Eurasian continent.

"We applaud today's findings of the IBLT committee, and hope that this puts to rest Americans' doubts about versions of previous commissions," commented Senator Phil Abusder (D-MI) on Tuesday. "Obviously the IBLT findings are unbiased and well grounded, and we hope that the country can now have closure more than forty years later by accepting the 'accidental bullet' theory."

Abusder's comments alluded to the fact that since 1963 alternative media and the Internets have been abuzz with theories that unsuccessfully attempted to establish a wider conspiracy to assassinate John F. Kennedy. The conspiracy theorists point to motives such as escalation of the Vietnam War, the failure of the Bay of Pigs invasion, Operation Northwoods, and the Federal Reserve's abolition of the silver standard as contributing factors. The IBLT Committee findings dismissed these eventual motives for assassination as coincidence, while favoring the "accidental bullet" theory.

Latest Bin Laden tape calls for new 9-11 investigation

2007-04-02T12:42:00.000+02:00

At-large terrorist demands more self-incriminating evidence

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

PESHAWAR, PAKISTAN

The most recent tape recording of notorious terrorist Osama Bin Laden has called for a new investigation into the attacks of September 11, 2001. The radical Muslim extremist said in a videotaped statement broadcast on the Al-Jazeerah network that his role in the attacks must not be forgotten, and he would like the government to make public additional information to confirm that he is responsible for the catastrophic and catalyzing event, as the number of Americans who are questioning the official government version of events continues to soar.

"I demand, by the will of Allah, a new inquiry into my involvement in the holy war against the Great Satan of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under Allah, Allah is grand," said the official government translation of the video. "My networks tell me that many Americans have doubts about my guilt. By the will of Allah, a new investigation will show all the evil Americans the egregiousness of my atrocities."

Indeed, it would appear that Bin Laden's claims have been backed up by recent polls conducted within the United States. According to Zogby, a known liberal conspiracy-based survey enterprise, 70 million Americans support a new 9-11 investigation, while the FBI has not listed Bin Laden as being wanted for the September 11, 2001, terror attacks.

According to government sources, the Internets have recently been infiltrated and compromised by covert conspiracy-theorist operations. Bin Laden's latest statement serves to bolster the government's claim that Bin Laden alone masterminded the terror attacks, without any domestic help or foul play in order to overcome America's multi-billion dollar, advanced military defenses. In calling for a release of new evidence to incriminate himself, Bin Laden is once again provoking the United States, which remains vulnerable as the War on the two fronts in Eurasia continues to guarantee our safety.

Experts were quick to interpret the latest message. Early Thursday on Fox and Fiends analyst Jack Kass called the new Bin Laden confession "another damning piece of evidence that our fight against evil Muslim islamo-fascist fascists has only begun," reiterating that "support for the war effort in Eurasia must not diminish." A related Faux News Alert urged consumers to remember to fill their vehicles promptly and buy more Victory Coffee in the coming days. Democratic party leader Neil Downe, who has previously supported the terrorists in their bid to invade and occupy the United States, called the latest Bin Laden video "political one-upmanship," while also stating it was "an unexpected development."

Multi-millionaire falls short of billionaire status by 25 cents

2007-04-01T14:58:00.000+02:00

Investor depressed after being a quarter short of world's wealthiest

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

ASPEN, COLORADO

Multi-millionaire Rich "Dick" Prickardson was stunned to learn late Friday that he missed being added to the list of the world's wealthiest investors after his total net worth was estimated at only 999,999,999.75 US dollars. The well-to-do investor missed the billionaire cutoff by a mere twenty-five cents, and will have to wait until March 2008 before his wealth can again be tallied.

"I'm devastated, you know, I'm really truly disheartened. My whole life I've worked to accumulate more and more wealth, only to fall short by a quarter," Prickardson told the La Rochelle Times yesterday. "Obviously this is a big blow to the family. I don't think I should consider myself an abject failure, but that's certainly the way I feel right now."

The highly regarded investor has appealed to local charities and organisations to donate as much as possible to his billionaire relief fund, the Rich Dick Prickardson Society, established shortly after he received the devastating news. Prickardson has asked "anyone and everyone" to contribute "anything, even a few dollars," to his relief fund so that he will make billionaire status by next March.

The rankings, which establish the who's who of the world's wealthiest, are expected to include the usual suspects such as Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and other investment moguls. Moreover, the 2007 list will be flooded with new billionaire investors from Halliburton and Kellogg Brown & Root, as the trickle-down economic benefits of the wars in Eurasia are passed on to investors through no-bid government contracts.

"This has really been a great year for the billionaire's list," said Colin Dacronies, a Department of Defense employee who has personally awarded many of the contracts to his associates and friends in return for financial, bureaucratic and sexual favors. "I feel truly blessed to be a part of this no-bid contract system which has done so much to boost the upper ranks of our economy. Truly, all Americans should be proud of our work today, even if a few unfortunate investors like Dick Prickardson didn't quite make the list. Once we get started in Iran in a few weeks I'm sure he'll get some new contracts from us."

Family and friends reported that Prickardson was "depressed but hopeful for the future," and that they expected his mood to brighten once he returned to counting his cash assets on Monday.

Tony Blair to die in car accident next week

2007-03-20T11:11:00.000+01:00

Blair government expected to end with tragic mishap

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

LONDON, UK

British Prime Minister Tony Blair will be fatally injured sometime next week when the vehicle from his official government motorcade veers into a large concete bridge pillar, the BBC reported to the La Rochelle Times London Bureau. The accident is expected to mark a tragic yet convenient end to Blair's ten years at the head of the British parliament, paving the way for a smooth transition of power and forever ending many of the uninteresting scandals which are currently plaguing his political party, including charges of bribery, money laundering, intelligence manipulation and war crimes.

The BBC, widely respected and highly reputed for its precocious news bulletins, has announced it will start reporting from the scene of the future accident starting next Monday. "We want everyone in Britain to know that the BBC is doing its best to report on this upcoming national tragedy, so that the best possible light can be shown on Blair's time as our Prime Minister," the BBC said in a statement today. "We'd also like to stress that this will be a completely fortuitous accidental event."

The exact conditions surrounding the accident that will end the Prime Minister's life are not yet entirely known, although the mishap is expected to result from loss of control of the vehicle after it speeds through London streets, attempting to avoid inquisitive reporters and investigators who are working diligently to expose wrongdoing by the Blair government. Companies who have thus far given financial support to Blair, such as British Petrolium, have recently expressed their sincerest condolences for the upcoming tragedy.

China vows to put a factory on Mars by 2012

2007-03-16T23:25:00.000+01:00

Red planet to be industrialized by Communist reds

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

JIUGUAN, CHINA

The People's Republic of China announced plans Friday to build an off-global factory on Mars before 2012 with the financial backing of major Western corporations, sources reported exclusively to the La Rochelle Times. Citing the advantages of limited pollution regulations, absence of land ownership and vast untapped resources, Peking announced its plans to construct a Mars-based production center that would be able to produce units cheaply for export to Earth. The previously prohibitve costs of interplanetary transport will soon be resolved by increasingly advanced Chinese aero-spatial vehicles that utilize the latest in ramjet and nuclear-hyperdrive propulsion, designed by recent Chinese graduates of top American institutions.

Corporations such as Nike, Wal-Mart and Halliburton have promised billions to support the missions, that will ostensibly begin as soon as September. Once the factory is completed, these companies would retain exclusive production rights on impored Martian products sold on Earth, as well as the future exploitation of all Martian resources under the direction of the Chinese government.

Initially, probes and payload vehicles will be launched in order to establish primary colonies on the planet, which will be only the second in the solar system to have products with the Made In China label. In the coming years, teams of workers and settlers will follow in order to begin construction of new factories. It is hoped that carbon dioxide pollution produced at the new factories will contribute to a greenhouse effect and the development of a Martian atmosphere as an added benefit.

The expensive colonization and industrialization project will be financed primarily by the growing American trade deficit with Peking, which expects to repossess most of the American space program within the next several years. By combining the latest Chinese production methods with existing repossessed American technology, Peking maintains it intends to establish a permanent Communist presence on the red planet within six years, "passing the benefits on to consumers with cheaper production costs," Chinese officials said.

Republicans: Budget for next invasion must be 'on the house'

2007-03-13T13:25:00.000+01:00

GOP unveils the 'Start Two Wars Get One Free Act'

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Republican and Democratic Congressional representatives came together in a show of bi-partisan unity on Thursday by proposing the Start Two Wars Get One Free Act (STWGOFA), also known as the McCain-Lieberman Bill. The proposal, which is expected to sail through Congress and be on President Bush's desk for signing by late next week, would pay for the next war with indiscretionary budget gerrymandering and cutting of essential services, essentially making the third front in the Global War on Terror "on the house," according to Congressional lawmakers.

"Today I am proud to stand here and say: Mr. President, the next one's on us!" announced Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) during a speech on the House floor Thursday afternoon. "We know that our Commander-in-Chief has a difficult task in fighting the terrorists to make America safe, so today we've decided to put our political differences aside and dedicate funds to the next war before it even begins."

Senators Phil Abusder (D-MI) and Harry Wetback (R-KY) have also endorsed the proposal in the Senate. Abusder told the La Rochelle Times the new measure "would give the President credit for the two wars he's started already, sort of like an Executive Branch frequent buyer's program. It will allow money to be set aside to fund much needed defense programs and weapons contracts for the upcoming war of the President's choosing."

While it has been widely known since July, 2006, that America has been ready to intervene, the budget for the intervention had not yet been entirely worked out. With the passage of the Start Two Wars Get One Free Act, fiscal policy, as well as intelligence, can be prepared in advance of any invasion the Leader wishes, so as to ensure maximum funding of the military on the newest battlefields, as well as the two other fronts in Eurasia.

Meteorologist really looking forward to next hurricane season

2007-03-08T13:42:00.000+01:00

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

ATLANTA, GEORGIA

Local Atlanta-area meteorologist Sonny Hayes has recently expressed enthusiasm for the upcoming 2007 hurricane season, sources at Channel 13 Action News reported to the La Rochelle Times. The weatherman's colleagues and friends said they weren't surprised to learn of Hayes' excitement about the upcoming low pressure centers that will soon start forming new tropical depressions over the Atlantic Ocean.

"He practically lives for hurricane season," said investigative journalist and colleague Anna Recksicke. "During the winter months he just mopes around, sort of half-heartedly announcing the forecast. But as soon as those storms start blowing in from the south he really perks up a whole lot."

Hayes was in good spirits throughout 2005, when hurricanes blew through Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Texas, killing thousands and destroying entire cities, including New Orleans. "He really had a lot to talk about back then. He'd get multiple cut-away segments on practically every newscast," Recksicke explained. Hayes investigative meteorological reporting later helped the CIA determine Cuba's responsibility in deploying weather of mass destruction, and he was honored for his patriotism and bravery at an historic speech given by President Bush, during which the Leader announced the new doctrine that hurricanes were the enemies of freedom. Lately his office commentary has led his co-workers to believe the weatherman thinks about little other than forthcoming tropical depressions.

With the beginning of the official 2007 hurricane season in June, colleagues and friends expect Hayes to regain his typical upbeat character. "I'm sure when those new supercells come tearing through the Caribbean, he'll back on his game," said anchorman Dick Tate. "And that's understandable. He doesn't get a lot of airtime during the off-season."

Wendy Hayes, the weatherman's wife of twenty years, said she regularly experiences her husband's typical withdrawal symptoms after an arduous hurricane season. "Around about Christmas, he starts to get depressed, especially if it's been an active year. There's no more excitement around the weather office, and the forecasts aren't very interesting. I try to cheer him up but there's really nothing doing until the next storm season, when he can get back on television and report on the hypothetical catastrophic consequences. It was really tough for us after the fall of 2005. He sort of went into a tropical depression of his own. I guess if I was optimistic I'd say he'll have plenty to do in the coming years, especially if you believe in all that global warming stuff. He's really looking forward to this summer."

Billary Clinton announces Presidential bid

2007-03-07T13:10:00.000+01:00

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

In an unsurprising surprise move, Senator and former President Billary Clinton announced an official bid for the 2008 Democratic nomination on Wednesday, after months of speculation. Washington insiders were exuberant after hearing the news, as they prepared for the plethora of no-bid government contracts that would soon come their way under the future Clinton administration.

"If Billary wins in '08, it will be a great day for America," said Mike Ash, a spokesman from the Society for the Heritage of International Tradtional Scholars (SHITS), a liberal Washington think tank and activist group. Billary also received the support of Federal Employees for Modernization of International and National Interstate Service Mail (FEMINISM), who have been pressing for important postal service reform.

Billary is expected to hit the campaign trail during the coming weeks in order to garner support and squelch any potential opposition before the Democratic primaries, the first of which will be held in a mere 278 days.

Holocaust discussion marred by awkward silence

2007-03-02T15:34:00.000+01:00

Professor perturbed by uncomfortable questions

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

MADISON, WISCONSIN

A discussion class about the Holocaust became uncomfortable Wednesday afternoon when it was punctuated by a two minute silence in which both the instructor and students were at a seeming loss of words. History professor Greg Garius could not quickly recover from a blank inspired by surprise and disbelief after a student, Dean Eyre, asked if the Holocaust "had really happened," and, if so, where the proof could be found. In spite of the overwhelming evidence to back up Garius' assertions that the Nazi death squads had indeed killed millions of Jews, homosexuals, intellectuals and political dissidents, the discussion remained stalled for approximately two minutes and fourteen seconds while thoughts were gathered and puzzled looks were exchanged.

After Professor Garius reiterated the existence of photographic, audio, and video archives proving that there were indeed atrocities committed by the National Socialist party in Germany during the Second World War, students quickly resumed a thoughtful discussion about the consequences of the genocide. In addition to the initial uneasy silence, the questions remained uncomfortable for Garius, who was also asked by other students if he could see any parallels between current American foreign policy and recent events in the United States, and those of 1930s Nazi Germany. Garius dodged the question, reminding students that both he and the Society for the Heritage of Interational Traditional Scholars (SHITS) have urged students to ignore all recent historical events.

Study: Coolest presidents used their initials

2007-03-01T14:39:00.000+01:00

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

ATLANTA, GEORGIA

An independent, bipartisan, lesbian and transexual (IBLT) committee published a study Thursday that indicates America's coolest presidents used only their initials. In the report, the group showed that top contenders, such as JFK, LBJ and FDR, beat out other, less popular presidents who relied on their full names.

"We think this is a monumental contribution to America's historical legacy," said IBLT committee spokeswoman Jess Ticulate. "These findings will set an historical precedent, showing that in the future, presidents who want to be cool will have to use only their initials."

The committee looked at popularity ratings for several different administrations, dating back to World War I. It found that presidents who did not make their names "hip," such as Warren G. Harding, Harry Truman, or Richard Nixon, enjoyed substantially less popularity among American voters. Those with the highest popularity, including FDR and JFK, shortened their names to make them "totally cool." The study may influence the 2008 presidential race, although current Democratic candidates such as BO are already showing improving poll numbers. The study also confirmed that using initials is more important than the issues addressed by former leaders.

Previous IBLT findings include:
Hamilton chosen as sexiest treasurer ever

Extraterrestrial civilisation offended by human numerical designation

2007-02-28T10:52:00.000+01:00

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

XYRLOR, PEGASUS CLUSTER

A highly sophisticated, organized, and advanced alien civilization issued a statement of protest Wednesday after learning of humanity's insignificant and meaningless designation of their home planet. Recently discovered by NASA and European astronomers, the planet was named EP1092384-2007, which as a result profaned the highly developed world which has existed in peace with other forms of life for nearly eight million years.

"We cannot believe the lowly human colony would dare to mock us with such an insignificant numerical characterisation," read the statement beamed to Earth via a faster-than-light ion transmitter on EP1092384-2007, known also as Xyrlor. "We pity the unfortunate souls who inhabit such a minuscule, retrograde planet with, and we are laughing now, inferior carbon-based DNA life forms." The statement was received in binary code and written in perfectly correct English, which NASA sources also declared had become the official language of interplanetary communication.

The nano-silicon lifeforms that inhabit Xyrlor can live up to 45,000 years and use electromagnetic signals to establish self-awareness in their closed-circuit membranes. Their extensive galactic empire reveals an advanced knowledge of quantum theories and propulsion systems, and includes dozens of extrasolar colonies. The derogatory numerical code assigned to the home planet risks infuriating the alien race, reducing any chance of future harmony between humans and other nearby extraterrestrial lifeforms.

NASA scientists declined to comment on this exclusive La Rochelle Times story. However one official stated on condition of anonimity that NASA will take care in the future to respect galactic pecking orders when giving future names to newly-discovered planets, in order to avoid angering more powerful and advanced extraterrestrial civilizations.

France releases arrogant report on 'global warming'

2007-02-27T12:39:00.000+01:00

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PARIS, FRANCE

France flouted its nose at the world Tuesday by releasing a conceited, egotistictal and decidedly arrogant report outlining the latest data on planetary climate change. French Environmental Minister Destin Toulouse flippantly announced the release of the report in Paris during a press conference, before brazenly turning his back on reporters and breaking wind in their general direction while walking out of the room.

"We offer this report for everyone else in the world who has not yet caught up to our level of science and research," Toulouse said during the announcement which was later translated by foreign media services. "Obviously once again the French have outpaced every other country in detailing the many aspects of climate change."

The report included mundane details about the inevitable collapse of eco-systems, mass extinctions of species and catastrophic sea-level rise. Journalists quickly disregarded the dire implications of the predictions, however, after the vain and pretentious nature of the announcement.

Cheney visits Asia to shop for new heart

2007-02-26T23:29:00.000+01:00

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

SINGAPORE

Vice President Dick Cheney stopped off in Singapore on Sunday to briefly peruse local human organ marketplaces for a new heart, sources reported to the La Rochelle Times. Due to his continuing cardiac problems, Cheney is apparently in the market for a younger organ that he will select from a pool of potential vendors including mental patients, prisoners or street children.

It was unknown initially how long Cheney would stay before selecting a donor and moving on to Pakistan for urgent talks. Recent reports of an Al-Qaeda resurgence in northern Pakistan apparently prompted the Vice President to make a surprise unofficial visit to the country, most certainly to secure last minute preparations. Cheney is expected back in Washington in time for the verdict in the Scooter Libby trial, in which the former White House official faces the death penalty if convicted.

Bush plans limited nuclear winter to balance global warming

2007-02-23T15:42:00.000+01:00

Latest intelligence estimates predict radioactive cloud will cool planet by up to 2° C

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

US President George W Bush announced plans Thursday to help climate change by "fighting global warming there, so we don't have to fight it here," in declaring a surprising combination of his environmental and foreign policy initiatives. In launching an unprecedented, unconstitutional pre-emptive nuclear strike on Iran, Bush plans to "put an end to the eco-terrorists who despise our freedoms." Minority Republicans, including Joe Lieberman of Connecticut, praised the President's assessment of the dire situation by commending his decision, both to destroy a potential limited regional power, and to initiate a cooling cloud of toxic radioactive dust.

The strike details remain classified, but given that only 10% of the world's population will be killed initially, the chances are most Americans will survive. The large majority of fatalities will be economically-insignificant portions of Eurasia with highly ethnic populations. The cooling effect of the vaporized debris from the detonations will take several weeks to fully circle the earth, sources close to the Pentagon report. By then, most of the radioactive material, vaporized heavy plastics and enriched metals will have settled out of the atmosphere, so there should be little to no risk to Americans or vital economic interests, according to the latest intelligence estimates.

While the nuclear cloud slowly cools the earth after recent years of unprecedented warming, major storms, and glacial melting, the Party may proceed with the continuing conquest of Eurasia. Recent Pentagon intelligence reports suggest the cooling radioactive cloud and debris in the atmosphere could reduce the planet's overall temperature by up to 2° C. In addition to the climatic benefits, the recent drop in the dollar against the Euro is a motivating factor for the continuing struggle for dominance, without considering the immediate influence of Eastasia. There has been a recent rise in dissent among Party loyalists, as was the sentiment in the most recent elections, but the influence on long-term strategy has yet to be seen.

The President was expected to address the nation before implementing the plan, which, according to inside sources, he "thunk up" in a long "strategery planning" session during his latest vacation in Crawford, Texas. The leaked information comes as naval exercises and strike forces remain strong in the Persian Gulf, and a third aircraft carrier battle group arrives in the region.

Recent bellicose rhetoric from the White House has served to alert some ungroupthinkers to possible military action in Iran. Many widespread sources of information are leaking suspicions about a coming military conflict, as simply a wider front in the global fight against Ben Zarkawi al-Muqdar Maliki and others high in the ranks of al-Qaeda. By taking the unprecedented action of launching a pre-emptive, nuclear attack on a non-nuclear nation, the Leader will show to what point he has usurped the Republic of its last Constitutional provisions, setting forth a future of barbaric international conflict as a backdrop to catastrophic climate change. The climate change will be reduced, however, by the cooling effect of the "limited" nuclear winter.

Some noted conspiracy theorists, bloggers and "internet chatters" have questioned whether this strategy may lead to total annihilation, nuclear catastrophe or complete governmental collapse. Pentagon spokesman Dean Eide dismissed the claims, explaining that "breakaway regimes in middle-Eurasia pose an imminent threat to our interests, and the objectives we have there are in response to that threat." Along with the nearing completion of the USS Death Star, the pre-emptive nuclear strike will cool both heated international tensions and warming climatic tendencies. He did not elaborate on the nature of the threat, although it is expected to be "as bad as, or worse, than the September 11, 2001, terror attacks" if it does someday materialize. He also said that pulling out any troops would result in another September 11 "within minutes."

ADDENDUM:

We here at the La Rochelle Times understand those who feel the presumed "negative effects" of global warming receive far too much media attention. In order to put a positive note on an otherwise pernicious situation, and in response to a healthy grant from the EPA and BP (thanks guys!), the La Rochelle Times will launch a new series outlining the positive aspects of global warming in our new Hats Off to Climate Change series, to be continued throughout fiscal year 2007.

An obligatory word from our sponsor:

Check delays agonizing purchase of awkward items

2007-02-20T01:17:00.000+01:00

BREAKING NEWS!

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WAUTOMA, WISCONSIN

A routine purchase at a local Target outlet store was agonizingly delayed by the use of a check, sources in Wautoma reported late Monday. An impressive array of embarrassing items such as tampons, lubricant and condoms were kept in full view of customers and employees for several minutes while the check was filled out, run through a scanning device and finally accepted by the cashier after repeated attempts to clear the purchase. The assistant manager also had to be called in, delaying the transaction for an additional five minutes.

Local resident Tim Idde was flustered after the incident, declining extensive comment in order to rush hurriedly out of the store to his car. "I bought the tampons for my girlfriend. She's out," said Idde before turning his eyes to the floor and walking quickly to the exit.

A La Rochelle Times FactFinders™ investigative team uncovered some of the more elusive details in the minutes following the incident. According to sources who witnessed the purchase, Idde allegedly had no cash or credit cards, and was forced to use a check as a last resort. The cashier, Juana Visa, is apparently a recently hired employee who only has handled a total of ten check purchases. Therefore, her efficiency in running the transaction was limited, leading to the increased embarrassment of the customer, which was further exacerbated by the indiscrete looks and unpleasant commentary of other shoppers.

Target executives were not available for immediate comment, although it is known at this time that customer surveys have indicated a desire for a "discrete" checkout line that would provide enhanced privacy when customers are forced to publicly display personal items needed for intimate activites.

North Dakota shocks world with nuclear test

2007-02-18T13:38:00.000+01:00

Breakaway state now officially possesses atomic weapons

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

BISMARCK, NORTH DAKOTA

The breakaway Republic of North Dakota sucessfully tested its first nuclear weapon early Sunday morning in an underground nuclear detonation, alarming analysts around the world and aggravating tensions throughout the Middle West. The test comes at a time of sensitive diplomatic negotations which are trying to put an end to years of bitter rivalries in the region. The talks have been stalled since the Midwest toll-booth bombings in 1998, which put a strain on relations between rival Midwest states.

Declaring itself to be a "nuclear power with global ambitions" on Sunday, Governor Gerry Manderer said in a press release after the successful test that "our Homeland shall forever go forward in the struggle against our oppressors. Today we took our biggest step in securing the future for ourselves and our children." North Dakota, with a population of approximately 650,000, has been known to be harboring nuclear missiles since 2003, and has boasted about its successful uranium enrichment programs. However it has never conducted a nuclear test or threatened to use the weapons on other states.

North Dakota Army General Frank Lee Stated announced that "North Dakota will rain fire down on its neighbors" if any of the opposing states, such as rival South Dakota, were to launch pre-emptive strikes. The latest developments will make future negotations extremely difficult, since Minnesota and South Dakota have accused the breakaway state of selling missile technology to Iowa and Nebraska. Insurgent groups in northern Minnesota have also alledgedly been supplied arms through Fargo-based rebel factions.

Reaction throughout the world was framed by calls for renewed talks and a decrease in tensions in the Middle West. Iran, North Korea and Pakistan all expressed disappointment at the news, saying that the American state was "choosing the wrong path for the future" and "discouraging a peaceful resolution to current problems in the Midwest" by continuing to pursue its nuclear program. European leaders Jacques Chirac, Angela Merkel and José Zapatero issued a joint statement condemning the North Dakotan nuclear test.

Reaction in the Midwest was of a more urgent nature, with leaders in Minnesota and Wisconsin calling for renewed negotations, bolstered by the fact that their states do not have suspected nuclear weapons programs. Local Oconomowoc resident Selma Kahr expressed her apprhension for the future after the announcement, telling the La Rochelle Times: "I just don't think North Dakota doing nuclear tests is a good thing for the Midwest. I know they're targeting Oconomowoc, because of the Dairy Factory and the Wal-Mart. It would be stupid to think we couldn't get hit here."

It is expected that the surprise detonation will quickly bring other Midwestern states back to the table in order to obtain concessions from the breakaway Dakotan state, which has thus far refused to renounce its continuing nuclear program.

Poll: Majority approves of groupthink

2007-02-16T00:16:00.000+01:00

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

ATLANTA, GEORGIA

Most people simulatenously agreed that groupthink is acceptable, according to a La Rochelle Times poll conducted this week. The overwhelming majority of respondents gave a favorable answer when enthusiastically asked the survey question while under slight social pressure. The study confirms recent tendencies among the American population to accept perceived realities when regrouped as a united omniscient conscience, often in the face of blatant contradictions. The results could also help to explain recent historical tendencies.

The paltry 2% who disagreed were summarily ridiculed and laughed into irrelevance after responding unfavorably. It is expected, with the evolution of the current Three Year Plan, that groupthink will continue to gain on doubleplusungood quackspeak in the coming months, unless an unexpected change in unitary societal consciousness somehow occurs.

The La Rochelle Times-Peuderaison poll is published exclusively here.

"Who here thinks groupthink is fucking awesome?!"

Me 84%

Not me 2%

No response 14%

*Margin of error +/- 0.3%, modeled on current statistical and analytical models for given statistics analysis.

Respondents were asked in large groups of people with similar interests and viewpoints, during sporting and musical events, repeatedly at increasingly high volume over a public address system.

Cheney invites Fitzgerald on hunting trip

2007-02-15T15:21:00.000+01:00

Vice President to escort prosecutor on outing after trial finishes

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Vice President Dick Cheney formally invited Federal Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald on a "quail hunt outing" on Friday, sources in Washington reported. The move is seen as a gesture of goodwill after Fitzgerald prosecuted Cheney's second in command, "Scooter" Libby, for lying to federal investigators after a CIA agent was outed by the White House in 2003.

The trial is nearing its closure, as interesting details have been made public, revealing that the Executive Branch purposely sought to discredit Joseph Wilson and his wife, Valerie Plame, after they disputed Cheney's intelligence claims that Iraq was seeking to buy uranium on the black market. The jury has not yet delivered its verdict, although a Presidential pardon is expected if Libby is convicted, despite the fact that he risks the death penalty at his sentencing.

The Vice President has a reputation for being an avid hunter, and political analysts seemed unsurprised at the lastest invitation, which has also been extended to other Justice Department and Democratic officials. "This is truly a sign from the Executive Branch that they are ready to make nice with those who are investigating any possible wrongdoing," said Faux News commentator Jack Kass. "We think this is a good move to restore a unified government in Washington, and we wish Mr. Fitzgerald well."

House Republicans propose mandatory witch-burning amendment

2007-02-13T11:35:00.000+01:00

Bill would amend Constitution to require execution of ‘paganist sympathisers’

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Republican lawmakers in the House have proposed resolutions that would make the burning of witches mandatory, inside sources reported on Tuesday. The bill has already won the support of Puritans and conservative evangelicals, who widely influenced wording of the new amendment. The measure will come up for a vote in the House after next week's recess, and must be passed by two-thirds of both the House and Senate before being approved by individual state legislatures.

The final details of the bill remain uncertain at this time, but some key provisions have been outlined by Republican sponsors. The amendment would require burning of witches on the grounds of heresy, sorcery, invoking spirits, chanting mantras, scrying and general humbuggery. Moreover, classification of witches is left open to interpretation by individual communities and states. Behavior deemed to be witchcraft or "aiding and abetting paganist sympathisers" would result in arrest and detainment of the guilty parties, trial, conviction, and punishment by burning at the stake.

"We feel this amendment will restore values and morals to a corrupt and perverted America," said a co-sponsor of the bill, ranking House member Harry Wanker (R-KY). "Obviously there's going to be opposition, but I think justice will prevail here. We're in a difficult time right now, with the continuing war on the two fronts in Eurasia, and this amendment is just another way to show support for our Leader and punish those who are trying to destroy the American Way of Life."

Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) agreed, stating: "I think this bill is a monumental step forward for all of us who want to restore a sense of moral justice to America, which has been so tainted under the Democratic leadership these past few years. That is why I have given my full support to the mandatory witch-burning amendment."

The proposal has garnered little opposition on the Democrats' side of the aisle, despite their control of both houses of Congress. One House Democrat told the La Rochelle Times on the condition of anonymity that the Democrats are hesitant to be seen as soft on witch-burning, particularly given the Presidential elections that are only 81 weeks away. It is likely that many Democrats will vote in favor of the measure, even if they disagree with some or all of the amendment's provisions.

Legal Procedures

Under the new law, people who feel that "a loss, illness or death has been caused by witchcraft" can file a complaint with local or state authorities, who will issue arrest warrants against accused individuals. They will summarily stand trial before newly formed Homeland Security Tribunals, given a verdict and, if found guilty, burned at the stake within several days. To ensure swift justice, appeals are specifically prohibited during or after the witch trial process.

Interestingly, Republican legislators have added language to the bill which would permit the most modern interrogation techniques to obtain confessions, such as those used at the Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib prisons, including stress positions, waterboarding, fecal information extraction™, and others. Some of the most up-to-date techniques have also been patented by companies such as Halliburton and Kellogg Brown & Root, who are expected to win witch trial contracts once the amendment passes.

One area has yet to be hammered out in the House; the language used to define witches has thus far been extremely vague. Wanker and Sentenz have stated "anyone using witchcraft, having paganist characteristics, or their sympathisers" could be burned once the amendment is passed. Experts from Faux News Channel recently concluded that the law will allow the incineration of all those accused of witchcraft, sex crimes, drug use, political opposition and speeding.

Political maneuvering

Republicans have scoffed at suggestions the 2007 Mandatory Witch-burning Amendment (MWA) is simply political posturing for the upcoming Presidential elections. Indeed, it would appear that the MWA is part of a larger Republican agenda targeting terrorism, sex, drugs and paganist propaganda. The MWA would thus find its place alongside previous counter-terrorism, anti-pagan measures such as the Military Commissions Act of 2006 and the Patriot Act of 2001.

In the coming weeks, legislators will decide on the future of the MWA and debate the pros and cons of defending America from the growing threat of witchcraft. It is thought that a large majority of Congress will agree with taking these much needed steps, and the Leader is expected to declare his support in the coming weeks during the implementation of the latest Three Year Plan.

Bush: 'Every fallen soldier's family will get a new SUV'

2007-02-11T10:57:00.000+01:00

President launches initiative to honor Iraq soldiers, distribute surplus vehicles

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

FAIRFIELD, OHIO

President Bush called on critics to tone down opposition to the Iraq conflict on Wednesday, as he announced his latest initiative to honor the troops who have fallen in Iraq by giving their families a brand new sport utility vehicle (SUV).

"In my new plan, every fallen soldier's family will get a new SUV. I intend to give every military family who has sacrificed a loved one for freedom a brand new 2006 or 2007 SUV, paid for by the government," the President announced while visiting a factory that produces Humvees for the war effort in Eurasia. "Some have said that this war isn't worth fighting. They think the terrorists should win. My plan will show that America values those who made the ultimate sacrifice," Bush continued.

The plan would be enacted with the support of big automobile makers like Ford, who have recently experienced a large overstock of SUVs due to increasing gasoline prices. Under the plan, which must first be approved by Congress, the government would buy the surplus vehicles and distrubute them to military families.

The plan has received a mild welcome in the House, garnering support from some Republicans, while receiving yawns, eyebrow raises or a roll of the eyes from majority Democrats. Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) has announced her support of the measure, saying that she will press for increased bipartisan support.

"It is clear that some of my Democratic colleagues don't want to support the troops," said Sentenz Friday. "They would obviously prefer that the terrorists come and kill every man, woman and child in America. That might be a fine electoral platform for them in 2008, but through this new SUV initiative, the Republicans will show that they are committed to supporting the soldiers who are protecting our Way of Life."

While the buyout prices remain less transparent, it is expected that Ford, Chrysler and other automotive manufacturers will sell the surplus vehicles to the government at twice their retail value. Democratic opposition leaders, who have previously announced their support for the enemies of freedom in the continuing War on Terror, declared that such a move will be "wasteful, unnecessary and hypocritical."

"This measure will do nothing to end the bloodshed in Iraq," said Senator Phil Abusder (D-MI). "Once again the President has announced a plan that does not address the real problems at hand." Abusder went on to say that he hopes Al-Qaeda eventually invades and occupies the United States.

The President brushed aside criticism after the announcement, musing with reporters about the persistent notion of political opposition. Before boarding Air Force One to return to Washington, the President reassured the public that his new SUV initiative will pass and, along with his plan calling for a surge in 'Support Our Troops' bumper stickers, will increase morale among the troops and their families, thus leading to "victory, freedom and peace in Iraq."

Point-Counterpoint: Congressional Perks

2007-02-04T15:11:00.000+01:00

Republican Congressman: "My being in the minority doesn't change our sexual status"

Harry Wanker (R-KY)
Representative, ranking member, House Ways & Means Committee

Oh, Mikey, Mikey. Do you remember last year, before the November elections, when you would come up to my office? Do you remember the good times we'd have, after a long day of what you liked to call "legislative masturbation" on the floor of the House? I hope you don't think that now, just because my party doesn't control the Congress any longer, that things will change between us.

You see, my lust for you is part of a longstanding Republican tradition here on Capitol hill. Whether we control the Congress or not doesn't matter, because we still have a lot of other tricks up our sleeves to get what we want. And I want you. And so I shall have you, now as before, whether you like it or not.

Curiously, I haven't seen you around since the November elections. So I'm going to give you one last chance to reconsider. I've tried instant messaging you again, calling you at home, and going to the dormitory. Hell, I even had the NSA try to dig up your dad's porn records, but they're still working on that. So I'd suggest you make the right decision here, and come back to good old Wanker, who knows what's best for you. See you soon, Mikey.

Congressional Page: "Sorry, Gramps, but I'm a Democratic butt-boy now"

Mike Ongress
Congressional Page

You're such a loser. I figured that out when I went up to your office on those cold winter nights, after a long, hard legislative session. As if I didn't know what I was doing when we'd instant message each other: you from the House floor, telling me what buttons you were pushing, and me from the pages' dorm, telling you what buttons I'd push.

But don't think for a minute that it's going to stay that way. You're yesterday's news, Gramps. It's on to bigger and better things now. The Democrats are in control, and so now it's my turn to be their butt boy for the next few years. Don't even try to get in touch with me. In fact, why don't you just resign? No one really wants you around Washington anyway.

I can't believe you had the NSA try to get our Internet records. That's ridiculous! Just because I didn't call you back? Who do you think you are? All of us pages have more control over the majority than you do now, so go back to your office and legislate yourself into irrelevance, and leave the hard work to the new Democratic majority.

Previous Point-Counterpoints: Culture Wars, Government Policy

Bush looks to groundhog for Iran intelligence estimate

2007-02-02T17:05:00.000+01:00

President to obtain critical information from omniscient creature

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PENNSYLVANIA

President Bush honored Groundhog Day on Friday as he travelled to Punxsutawney, Pennyslvania, in order to consult in high-level intelligence briefings with Phil, the famous groundhog. On the agenda were sensitive materials concerning Iran's nuclear program, weapons of mass destruction, and the continuing War on Terror.

The President was expected to use the groundhog's intelligence predictions as a basis for upcoming diplomatic and military moves against the breakaway, isolated Republic that has brazenly proclaimed its right to develop nuclear technology, in the face of non-declared nuclear powers such as Israel. The omniscient animal is expected to give the President precise details about possible options in dealing with the rogue state, which Phil the groundhog has previousl named as part of the "Axis of Weasels."

It is unknown exactly what Phil the groundhog will tell the President; however, if Phil sees WMDs in Iran, it may mean another 6 years of war, some analysts have speculated. If Phil fails to see the WMDs, the war may end sooner. Sources within the White House withheld comment due to the sensitive nature of the intelligence briefing.

Lego 'Suicide Jihad' playset draws criticism

2007-02-02T13:54:00.000+01:00

Rampant mismanagement revealed at toymaker's headquarters

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK

Lego Corporation has become embroiled in controversy recently after workers denounced internal corruption and immoral behavior among the company's ranks. Anonymous workers, who filed for whistleblower status against the toymaker, have alledged a widespread conspiracy to "corrupt and manipulate" children around the world.

According to the affadavit filed Friday, and provided exclusively to the La Rochelle Times, charges are being brought in a Danish court alledging that management in the corporation has sought to inflame tensions between Denmark and the Arab world by promoting a new line of '"Suicide Jihad" playsets. The scandal broke when one of the playsets, set to be released in summer of 2007, was circulated through e-mail and posted on the Internet. Denmark was also scandalized by the release of cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammed unfavorably, which offended many devout Muslims.

Lego officials have previously denied the charges, stating the Legos "did not discriminate on the basis of race, religion, ethnic origin, political affiliation, economic status, geographical location, education, age, nationality, gender, sexual preference, or skill level."

Although the abuse of Lego toys among consumers has long been widespread, the toymaker has never intentionally released toys with ethno-religious or pornographic themes, nor officially endorsed unethnical or immoral Lego usage.

The new charges brought by whistleblowers add a new twist to the initially sketchy accusations. It is widely expected that any future ethnically-themed playsets will not be released on the market, although they could become valuable collector's pieces. Lego officials were not immediately available for comment, although they have indicated that a statement will be released for the public age 12 and up.

Cat disobeys order to 'fetch'

2007-01-29T14:08:00.000+01:00

BREAKING NEWS ...

Refusal could have consequences at meal time

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

OCONOMOWOC, WISCONSIN

Cat owner Selma Kahr was disappointed Monday morning when local cat Tinkers disobeyed a direct order to fetch, contradicting years of methodical training and preparing for just such a moment. Tinkers, sometimes refered to as "Tink," has long been practicing the pursuit and retrieval of small objects such as plastic bottle caps.

However the grueling training came to an abrupt halt when Mrs. Kahr threw an object, and followed with a clear and distinct order to "go fetch." Tinkers showed no emotion as he blatantly exceeded the authority of his owner, yet remained stationary and refused to engage in the retrieval exercise. Direct eye contact was not broken for nearly twenty seconds after the incident, thus adding to the trauma.

Shortly thereafter, Mrs Kahr was bedeviled by guilt and frustration.

"I just don't understand why he refused to do it," explained an emotional Mrs. Kahr on Monday afternoon. "He's been so good at it lately. I throw the bottle cap, he goes and gets it and brings it back. Sometimes he even meows to get me to play. But today it's like he forgot everything."

It is unknown at this time whether the refusal to obey direct orders will result in mealtime consequences for Tinkers. Sanctions could include a reduction of alotted chow or elimination of secondary treats such as small amounts of whipped cream or tunafish. Analysts have also remained skeptical as to whether this could be part of a larger movement among felines in the neighborhood. The incident complicates Mrs. Kahr's misfortunes, after the "Proud to be an American" sticker started fading off her mailbox last July.

Stay tuned to the 24-hour cable networks for late-breaking updates on this important story. The La Rochelle Times will also continue to dedicate most of its resources to this pressing national tragedy.

0.0003% of America turns out to protest war

2007-01-28T13:42:00.000+01:00

Protest too pathetic to be of any importance whatsoever

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Liberals, conspiracy theorists and leftist bloggers have fueled claims recently that America is "turning against the war" on the two fronts in Eurasia, while the Leader has faced resistance lately to his new Three Year Plan. The initiative includes sending 21,000 more troops and a surge in 'Support Our Troops' bumper stickers. Yesterday protesters descended on Washington to voice their opposition to the war and the Leader's policies.

However, the 100,000 protesters represented a mere 0.0003% of the population of the United States, estimated at 300,000,000. Therefore, the protest was considered an abject failure and a complete waste of time, as it takes its place among other protests that were completely ineffective.

Political analysts and pundits were beside themselves with laughter after the paltry and pathetic turnout. On the highly accredited Fox and Fiends, commentator Jack Kass expressed his amusement at the "ridiculous anti-war movement," stating "they could only muster three ten-thousandths of a percent of the population" to support their cause. "They should just shoot themselves in the head," Kass added.

War protesters stated that the rally was a huge success, and that the media had underreported partipcation.

"The media doesn't like to report on anything that goes against the Leader and the establishment," said demonstrator Neil Downe. "They prefer to say that people like us should just go away, and they play with the numbers, instead of actually asking why people are protesting in the first place."

Cable news stations were expected to move on quickly to other, more pressing topics, such as abductions or rapes of minors that were expected to take place in the coming days. The horribly insignificant turnout at the anti-war protest may affect future demonstrations that show opposition to the glorious Leader and his plan for victory in Eurasia. Nevertheless, the 99.9997% of the population that did not participate is urged to show support by buying more Victory Coffee and engaging in joythink about the state of the Union.

Republicans choose Guantanamo for 2008 Presidential Convention

2007-01-26T11:34:00.000+01:00

Detention facilities to welcome delegates, convicted

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA

The Republican party has recently announced its decision to hold its 2008 convention at the prison facilities in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, currently being used to detain terror suspects. The unexpected choice of location beat out other contenders such as Chicago, Phoenix and Houston.

In a press conference Thursday afternoon, GOP spokesman Hal Atosis announced the decision handed down by senior Republican party members, including the Leader himself. "It has been decided that the 2008 convention will be held at Guantanamo Bay, in order to show our support for the War on Terror, as well as accomodate any Republican delegates who might also be serving time concurrently."

Indeed, the decision has been described as "brilliant" and "visionary" by cable news pundits such as Bill O'Reilly. The decision to use the Guantanamo facility "provides a boost to the Republicans strong anti-terror stance, and will provide lodging for all the incarcerated Republican lawmakers who are in federal detention facilities," said Republican activist Stew Pidasse. "We thought this might be an ideal situation, as the speakers could address both delegates and inmates at the same time."

However, the Guantanamo facility has recently come under fire from those who would like the terrorists to win against the United States. Some Democrats and members of the American Civil Liberties Union (ALCU) have denounced the facilities, saying that there is no reason terror suspects cannot be dealt with in the American judicial system. Moreover, they claim, the Leader has purposely created the Guantanamo facility in order to operate outside US jurisdiction, thus allowing torture, forced confessions, military tribunals and executions without proper oversight.

"Rubbish," said Pidasse. "These guys are terrorists, and you're telling me we have to use the same standard of justice as any American is supposed to have? Don't you realize these guys are dangerous terrorists? They are lucky they are even getting such good treatment to begin with. And our 2008 Guantanamo Convention will enlighten all these pro-Islamic factions, like the ACLU and the Democrats, who continue to cheer the terrorists on."

Frontrunners for the 2008 Republican nomination include John McCain (R-AZ), a Vietnam war veteran who was held in a Vietnamese prison camp for five years. He has recently announced his support for escalation of the Iraq conflict, and supports a wider effort on the two fronts in Eurasia. Others include former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani, who was widely commended for overseeing the demolition of the World Trade Center, but has been plagued by sex scandals involving his personal relationships. Both are expected to annouce a continuing Three Year Plan that will mirror that of the current Leader.

Al-Asteroid determined to strike the US

2007-01-23T22:20:00.000+01:00

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

KUIPER BELT, SOLAR SYSTEM

Within the next 2,300 years a large, icy breakaway space rock, designated Al-Asteroid 2001, could strike the United States, sources inside NASA reported on Tuesday. The object follows an eccentric, eliptical orbit around the Sun, which crosses Earth's path every 392 years. Approximately two kilometers wide, the object could inflict unprecedented death and destruction on the United States mainland if allowed to continue along its current path.

Scientists have recently commented that Al-Asteroid intends to hit the United States. Such alarming reports have been sent as high as the White House, with inside sources stating a Presidential Daily Brief entitled "Al-Asteroid determined to strike within the US" has recently been sent to the Oval Office.

Since official reports of Al-Asteroid's activity have been classified, little is known publicly about what may happen sometime from the mid-23rd to late-44th centuries. However, initial media reports indicate that it is not a matter of "if" Al-Asteroid strikes, but "when."

"We know we're going to get hit," said NASA astronomer Paul Bearer. "We just don't know exactly when. But it's going to be bad. Even if we try to stop it, and believe me we'll try, we will in all probability fail. There's no stopping Al-Asteroid: it's determined to destroy America."

Some skeptics have downplayed the news, stating that such an event, despite the best computer models, still remains uncertain.

"We can't really be one hundred percent sure that Al-Asteroid will hit the United States," said Xavier Selph from Scientists United for Knowledge, Mediation and Evolution (SUKME). "Saying such things just encourages people to accept this as an eventuality, when in fact there are many other, more important astronomical threats that will emerge before Al-Asteroid may strike. And if you take in other factors, such as global warming, the time scale of this event seems to be rather exaggerated."

Contrary to SUKME, which is funded by individual donors, there are few government-funded scientists or academics who have dared give comfort to the orbital object. Indeed, many government-funded researchers have concluded that Al-Asteroid poses an "immediate and pressing threat" to the United States in the coming millennia. SUKME, however, has suggested that such a "dire hypothesis" has no "basis in merit or reason," in calling attention to the "inevitable destruction of humanity" through the "bogus hype of random chance."

NASA countered the accusations of threat exaggeration by urging Americans not to panic, but reminding citizens nonetheless to stock up on basic foodstuffs and munitions. "If we keep our heads about us, and temper our anticipation of this eventuality through abject fear-based consumerism, we should all be just fine," said Bearer, giving the bad news a positive tone of hope in the face of unavoidable destruction from Al-Asteroid.

Point-Counterpoint: Government Policy

2007-01-21T13:20:00.000+01:00

Defense contractor: "Across the globe, we need to address emerging threats to America"

Ray Gunn
Weapons Systems Analyst for Lockheed Martin

Everywhere in the world today they are plotting to kill you. Not me. Not him. YOU. And they won't stop until you're dead. They're called terrorists. Dissenters. Democrats. Call them what you like, but they're all around us.

That's why today, as we defecate on ourselves with fear, and try to reason with our bellythink, we need America to address the threats to its beautiful shores by taking action unilaterally across the globe. From Austria to Australia, New Brunswick to New Zealand, we need to pulverize those who dare plot against freedom.

Our Leader has told us that we need to expect to be hit again. We know he's trying to stop it, but we know it will happen again anyway because the terroristic attitude will make them hate us even if we do nothing. Even our Leader might not be good enough to stop them, because they're crafty. And even if he's the best and the smartest, they only have to be right once. That's why we need the laws to spy on everyone, but I'm sure they'll still succeed at getting us again anyway no matter how many laws we pass.

And that's why we need to flatten anyone who doesn't live within our lovely borders. Just wipe 'em out. And my job, every day, is to promote those weapon systems for America, so we can fight for our freedoms. And freedom doesn't matter if you're dead. Let's make a pact, America. Let's fight together for freedom there, so we don't have to fight them here.

Ecologist: "Across America, we need to address emerging threats to the globe"

Woody Forrest
Environmental activist

Everywhere in America today we are killing the planet. Not just our country, and not just theirs. Everyone's planet! And since America is the largest polluter, the largest producer of arms, and the largest consumer of fossil fuels, we need to change our own habits so that the rest of the world will follow our example.

We could start by changing the way we build our cities. Massive sprawling suburban wasteland stretches out for miles, while costly highways and infrastructure must be built to transport populations that are increasingly isolated. By promoting mass transit, energy-efficiency and green, renewable energy, we can transform some of these pollution pits into environmental petri dishes!

A lot of naysayers would have you think that the biggest threat is a boogeyman who's going to come and destroy some skyscrapers in the night. They want you to think that you'll wake up one morning and have to watch tall buildings burn and fall ad nauseum, so that they will justify more wars and the gutting of the treasury. But the real threat is what we put in the atmosphere every day: our thousands of tons of CO² emissions that are causing the Greenland glaciers to retreat by several miles a year. And terrorism isn't going to matter much if we fry the atmosphere. So I say, it's time for America to wake up and change its habits to address the threats to our globe right here at home.

Defense contractor rebuttal*

What you just spouted was just a bunch of liberal, far-left bullshit. Everyone knows it. Global warming isn't real and if you believe in that you probably believe in UFOs and think the Moon landing was fake. Now decide for yourself: are you ready to fight for America? Or are you with the terrorists?

*The Defense contractor rebuttal is required by Section 24 Article 7 of the Fairness Doctrine Initiative (2001), from a sub-clause of the USA Patriot Act, which stipulates that government defense contractors shall always be accorded over-representation in public debate.

Previous Point-Counterpoint: Culture Wars

Bill O'Reilly releases new book

2007-01-20T15:09:00.000+01:00

EXCLUSIVE LA ROCHELLE TIMES BOOK REVIEW

Candice Maistaille
La revue politique internationale

FOX News pundit Bill O'Reilly has released another book, detailing his side of a longstanding sexual harrassment lawsuit that undermines the dignity of the famous television personality. After years of being the victim of spurious attacks, lawsuits, name-calling and chastising, O'Reilly has finally decided to counter critics that call attention to his hypocritical and cowardly actions.

In a hard-hitting, irrefutably irrelevant diatribe of long-winded defensive essays, O'Reilly outlines why he feels he is only a patsy in the bigger game of television opinion-based news punditry. His paltry vocabulary and lackluster logic skills combine with a monotonous writing style that is sure to entertain any loyal FOX news viewer. Moreover, the sexual scandals are sure to fascinate any captivated readers by appealing to base reptilian instincts and emotional, reactionary responses.

"Well, Andrea Mackris, you accuse me of improper sexual conduct. How dare you aide the terrorists in their fight against our freedoms," one of the passages in the Second Chapter, Harrassment versus Treason, explains. "Obviously you haven't learned the lessons of September the eleventh. We didn't ask the terrorists to attack us, but they did anyway. And your allegations against me only serve to help their cause. By accusing me of sexual harrassment, Ms. Mackris, you are simply committing treason, and for that you should be punished."

O'Reilly reaches a general untenable thesis that supports execution of anyone who brings "spurious sexual harrassment litigation." He contends that such judgements should be reached through secret military tribunals, where sexual allegations would give way to mandatory death sentences to be carried out by American military and/or FOX news execution squads. O'Reilly argues that "swift justice" will ensure "protection from future September the elevenths," as well as the safeguard of our "freedoms and liberties here at home."

Without doubt, O'Reilly has launched a successful new addition to his already impressive line-up of fictional political works. The Vibrator Zone is sure to resonate with lonely readers across the nation, causing a buzz among FOX news loyalists and ensuring O'Reilly's place on the nation's punditry pedestal for weeks to come.

Also from Candice Maistaille: Sean Hannity: Deliver Us From Truth

Barack Obama sentenced to 24 years for molestation

2007-01-19T14:17:00.001+01:00

Senator to begin serving time within weeks

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA

Illinois Senator Barack Obama was sentenced Tuesday to the maximum of 24 years after he was convicted of molesting two of his former students, KMSP news in Minneapolis reported. A local news program broke the surprising story, which had thus far not been reported in the media.

After an apparently fair trial, Circuit Court Judge Jay L. Selle sentenced Obama for "the horrid and lewd acts" that occurred between the disgraced Senator and his unnamed victims. Cable news networks were expected to be abuzz with the titillating, juicy details of his sexual escapades.

Some have suggested Obama's recent posturing for the 2008 Presidential race has simply been cover for the shameful charges that were brought against him. If the conviction is not overturned upon appeal, the Senator will have to begin serving time in a federal detention facility along with his ephebophile Republican counterparts. Disgraced Representative Randy "Duke" Cunningham commented that "it is our ironic destiny to forge a strong spirit of bi-partisanship during our incarceration in federal prison."

Many voters remained ambivalent after the news, stating that the charges simply reflected a pattern in Washington circles, well established since the Reagan administration, and exacerbated by the recent Foley scandals.

"Every administration has some sort of sexual scandal, it just is a matter of what their personal preferences are. Jeff Gannon, Monica Lewinsky, the Vienna Boys' Choir, eventually it all gets made public and these guys get tried in the media whether they're guilty or not," said local voter Tess Timowny.

The conviction for molestation is expected to put a damper on Obama's bid for the Democratic nomination in the 2008 Presidential race. Historically speaking, candidates convicted of molestation have not generally won favor in political circles, unless they have been part of a larger, underground group of secret investors in the oil and arms industries. The La Rochelle Times will continue to follow this story as it is analyzed by experts from the 24-hour news networks.

Classical music concert turns violent

2007-01-18T13:41:00.000+01:00

Four dead, fifteen wounded in brawl after intra-symphony tensions erupt

Anne Allisiss
La Lune de la presse internationale

PLAIN BLUFF HEIGHTS PRAIRIE, OKLAHOMA

What transpired at the Alfred P. Murrow Orchestra Hall yesterday was a reminder of what concert violence can do to normally good-willed people. In a surprise eruption of mayhem at an otherwise peaceful classical music concert, the Plain Bluff Heights Prairie wind and string ensemble of approximately 70 players turned into a horrid yet fascinating spectacle of musician-on-musician violence. After Orchestra Hall security intervened to calm the brawl four musicians were dead, and fifteen were severly injured. Medical professionals and surgeons were called in to dislodge various instrument fragments from some of the victims.

The classical music brawl is part of a growing trend of across-the-board concert violence, which showed a 27% increase in 2006. Could there be a correlation between performing music and inflicting horrible human suffering? Most scientists have thus far downplayed any such link. However, after listening to certain types of music, often of the metalhead or acid rock variety, extended human misery can sometimes be observed. In this instance, classical music somehow provided the trigger catalyst to set in motion a series of violent actions.

Some have speculated that audience members, upset with the humdrum score and monotonous, mid-to-late-sixteenth-century harmonies of the wind ensemble, provoked the musicians through subtle taunts and awkwardly-timed applause. If this were the case, it would be more difficult to tie such actions directly to the music, instead of audience-performer interaction. Others have faulted tensions within the orchestra due to personal relationships among its members.

This latest incident simply exacerbates the need for closer scrutiny and security at high-risk classical music events. Future events should ideally include metal detectors, bomb-sniffing dogs and a minimum of two police helicopter gunships. As part of a new campaign to strengthen the Department of Fatherland Security, Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) has suggested legislation that would mandate such precautions at future classical concerts. The bill, HR 2012, will be up for House vote in the coming weeks.

EYEWITNESS STATEMENT
By cellist Scott Free

Shit got outta hand today down at the classical music hall. Man, those trombonists can throw some mean fists, let me tell you. But I never expected the violins AND the upright bass to rise up against the flutes so quickly. I mean, I know there's been a lot of tension lately, with the orchestra conductor banging that hot flutist and all. And then the fact that a bunch of the violinists have all this obvious sexual tension with the flutists. But that's no reason for outright violence.

I just tried my best to avoid the melee. Cause when that type of shit goes down, you'd best just drop your instrument, crouch behind your music stand, and hope for the best. After all, there's no stopping an angry wind ensemble brawl.

I'm not quite sure what set it off. I think the upright bassist intentionally went off key, and then the violinists must have taken that as a cue to forte, when they should really have crescendoed. I bet that pissed the flutes off something fierce, and with all that shit going on about the conductor, I bet it just blew up and ignited the whole orchestra in one rampaging orgy of bloodshed.

Before it was finished I saw instruments used in ways most people have never even imagined. No one was safe. I just hope that sometime, maybe in the distant future, a wind ensemble will be able to restore dignity to that tainted concert hall.

New Orleans to become dry city by 2008

2007-01-17T12:39:00.000+01:00

Prohibition proposed to quell post-Katrina problems

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA

The City Council of New Orleans announced Wednesday that the city might become dry before 2008. Due to a soaring murder rate, general anarchy and widespread corruption, alcohol would be banned in city limits with one exception. Tourists from out of state would be allowed to purchase alcohol in certain districts of the historic French quarter, to encourage tourism. The move to become a dry district will coincide with actual drying of property flooded in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

"Prohibiting the consumption of alcohol in the city will allow New Orleans to experience a rejuvination of its spirit in the wake of hurricane Katrina," said City Hall spokesman Jay LeSelle. "We intend to introduce effective measures to curb continuing problems due to the near-destruction of the city, total breakdown of social services and government, and ensuing generalized urban warfare."

Opponents of the measure argue that it will simply drive the demand for alcohol underground, nourishing a black market in a city with struggling judicial oversight, a burdened court system and an often-youtubed police force. They suggest investing money in infrastructure and public transport, to reinvigorate neighborhoods that have had a population loss of 80% or more.

Moreover, some dissenters say, the federal government has done nothing to punish Cuba for its alledged involvement in the 2005 Hurricane disaster. With Fidel Castro on his deathbed, anti-prohibition activists say, now is the perfect time to engage in a military-coup type adventure to distract residents from the complete and total failure of public policy and government services.

"Making New Orleans a dry city shouldn't be a priority," said a local professional, Bart Ender. "We need to stick it to the people who did this to us, who brought us this horrible disaster. And that means attacking Cuba for its use of weather of mass destruction."

Some proponents of the "dry city" measure disagreed, however.

"This initiative will improve conditions here in the city," explained City Council spokesman Shaydee Marquette. "By creating a 'dry island' policy, where alchohol is off limits in dry areas of the city, we can reduce the violence, looting, murder, corruption, destruction and chaos that we're experiencing here in New Orleans."

The measure comes up for a vote in front of the City Council of New Orleans before the end of the month. If passed, it would take effect in January, 2008. The measure is expected to pass by a wide margin, given the deep financial and personal ties between Council members and underground trafficking groups that would benefit from just such a measure.

Antarctica legalizes gay penguin marriage

2007-01-15T14:27:00.000+01:00

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

ROSS SEA, ANTARCTICA

Antarctica broke international ice today by announcing that it had legalized gay penguin marriage, after years of heated debate on the subject. Homosexual flightless birds around the world rejoiced at the news, while surely hoping other nations would give the status to their species as well. In a bold act of political courage, Antarctica's Spheniscidae Council overwhelmingly approved the measure by a 7-2 majority.

The two dissenters are holdovers from an older generation of the declining Aptenodytes patagonicus species. Otherwise known as "king penguins," members of this species have been notorious for their traditional patriarchal social models. It comes as no suprise, therefore, that their two delegates to the Spheniscidae Council opposed the gay marriage resolution.

The new rules affect gay penguin couples who for years have struggled to obtain egg-nesting rights equal to those of heterosexual "breeding" couples. Moreover, prime mating and nesting territory has been preferentially given to opposite-sex groups, while homosexual couples have been forced to use less favorable and often rugged terrain. The measure also affects underwater hunting pecking orders, which are critical when nesting to ensure proper nutrition of the young.

Antarctica became the first such country to legalize gay penguin marriage, although some breakaway groups in captivity, such as those who are currently being detained at the Central Park Zoo facility in New York, have been promoting awareness of the issue since 2004.

Point-Counterpoint: Culture Wars

2007-01-14T10:22:00.000+01:00

American GI: "Iraqi towns all look the same"

Pat Roller
Currently deployed in Iraq

Everywhere I go with these convoys, all I see is the same thing. In every town, in every little corner of this smelly, god-foresaken country, I'm witness over and over to the same scenes. It reminds me of those old Jetsons episodes, where the background would just keep going by, over and over, on and on forever. And that is what I see in this neverending desert hell, is just more of the same.

When I was down in Fubar province, we stayed in al-Fubar for a few days, then we moved down through Nobar, then Al-Iwanis-ajob, and finally on to Wanadi. It was good to be with my platoon. We've grown close during this tour, which has lasted almost 18 months now. But I couldn't help noticing, again and again, that in all of those places, everything was the same: the burned out cars, the dead and rotten animal corpses, the destroyed buildings.

It's just so sad that these Iraqis are so behind the times. They don't have a lot of variety like we do in the States. Maybe in a few years, with the work we're doing here, and with the Leader's new Three Year Plan, we can start to bring some color back to this shit-tinted wasteland.

Iraqi immigrant: "American towns all look the same"

Izit Reel
Recently arrived in America

When I arrive in the US from my native Iraq eighteen months ago, I am glad to be away from the constant explosion and violence. My three children could be safe, go to school, and learn the American way. But one thing strike me quite hard when I arrive: every town look the same!

Whether I go to Springfield, or Shelbyville, or Motortown, it all look same. There's Starbucks over there, and Burger King, and Subway, and Wal-Mart, and BP gas station. Then next block, it repeat again. It remind me of the cartoon I used to see in Iraq when I was a boy, when we had peace. It was called Jetson. And when they travel, background always the same, repeating over and over. That's what I see in America. Sometimes I miss my native land, although I know I cannot go back because it is destroy.

There, before the bad times, we had many different towns. It was not the same in Baghdad, or Kirkuk, or Fallujah. Every place had something special, something different. Now, I must adapt to every city is the same in America. But I know I must sacrifice this culture and difference for my right to freedom here in beautiful USA.

Historians urged to ignore recent past

2007-01-11T23:46:00.000+01:00

Society suggests "toning it down a notch"

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

MADISON, WISCONSIN

The Society for the Heritage of Interational Traditional Scholars (SHITS) called on all American historians to ignore recent events on Monday, in order to preserve a more "circumspect and unifying view in writing about factual actuality." A press release from SHITS explained the move was intended to avoid "red-state, blue-state divides" while bringing about a bipartisan approach.

"We think historians who tackle difficult recent subjects, such as the end of the Cold War and the resulting power vacuum that caused terrorism, should use caution in their approach," said Greg Garius, a noted historian for SHITS. "Too much careful analysis could lead to theories which point fingers, and we are trying to reduce blame by promoting more of an 'incompetence' viewpoint."

Indeed, the recent emergence of new radical political technologies, such as the Internet, have fueled leaks and conspiracy theories in many countries. In the coming decades, historians will be troubled to sort through lengthy digital archives and weblogs, trying to discern truth from fiction. Some SHITS activists have been pushing for historians to discount "widespread disinformation" that can be found in "anti-democratic spheres," such as the Internet.

Garius co-authored a SHITS article due to appear in the February edition of The American Heritage Periodical Foundation Society for American Heritage Quarterly. In it he urges noted historians to give obfuscation the benefit of the doubt, and not to dig too deeply into supporting facts or details to develop more strengthened, tenable analyses. By simply "toning it down a notch," historians will be able to produce meaningless volumes of twisting sentences, with many interjected clauses, for years to come.

Congress to conduct hearing to decide which hearing to conduct

2007-01-10T22:25:00.000+01:00

Legislators decide to act to decide to act

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Congressional Representatives announced late Wednesday they would soon be conducting a hearing to decide which hearings will be conducted. An oversight committee submitted the recommendation to a sub-hearing advisory panel, which then issued a memo alerting other sub-comittees. The violent bureaucratic outburst left four Representatives wounded, and several more dozen strewn about the halls of the Capitol.

The pandemonium added to a brisk day of work for the newly-convened Congress. Democratic leaders, busy with legislation to raise the minimum wage to 7 or more nachos an hour, have been struggling to keep up with the busy pace of business on Capitol Hill. "It's just nuts up here," said Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL). "Whew!"

Within days, lawmakers pledged to conduct a hearing to decide which hearing should be conducted. Tough questions will be asked about the hearing agenda, including the divisive issue of which Congressional meeting room to use, who will pay for catering service, and how Congressional pages will be supervised or punished if necessary.

La Rochelle Times bows to pressure from the Académie française

2007-01-10T12:56:00.000+01:00

New French edition to open up dialogue with francophone militant extremists

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

LA ROCHELLE, FRANCE

The highly reputed La Rochelle Times has succumbed to pressure from the conservative French establishment by announcing the debut of a new French language version of this journal. For more than a year, the brave journalists at this organisation have had to face intense pressure from deputies of the Académie française, a government backed group that fights against the imposition of foreign languages in France, with some Académie members going so far as to declare a "disparity in the valorization and causality of journalistic integrity."

The Académie's statements brought about action from internal labor factions here at journal headquarters in La Rochelle, which caused us to re-examine the issue closely. After long negotiations with union and government representatives, it was decided that the paper would be made accessible on an equal basis to a French-speaking audience.

As of today, the French site will be concurrent to the former English-only news site, which mainly tackles international news, with a special inclination towards the utopian American superpower. French readers, as well as English ones, are asked to pay particular attention to "super-security" topics, requiring a prolonged fight against nebulous networks, and the imposition of a strong police state to protect them during this difficult period. Please refrain from all critical comments or detracting arguments until such time as the armed conflict has ended, while also limiting harsh statements towards political personalities.

For those interested in the French version, we hope that you have a pleasant experience in reading the academically-correct French version of the La Rochelle Times.

Berkeley Professor develops 'general conspiracy theory of relativity'

2007-01-09T14:11:00.000+01:00

Fourth dimension 'face-time' explains complex interactions

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA

University of Berkeley Professor Howie Dedett has published what he dubbs a "conspiracy theory of relativity" that seeks to join many conspiracy theories into one unified hypothesis. "By the introduction of a fourth dimension, which I call 'face-time,' to represent key people and their interaction with the timeline, I have solved a number of complex problems," Dedett said on Tuesday.

Using the theory, it becomes much easier to explain events such as Pearl Harbor, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, the Moon Landing, Watergate, the Pentagon Papers, Princess Diana's death, and more recently, the September 11, 2001, terror attacks. Nevertheless, one of theory's major drawbacks is that average people can only see in three dimensions: in this case, motive, means and opportunity. As with any crime, these are the three major elements to consider when trying to solve it.

Prof Dedett, however, uses face-time to enhance the other dimensions, thereby giving plausibility and causality to a more unified theory. Due to information blindness and lack of concentration, most people are not able to envision the fourth dimension of face-time. But what exactly is it? Imagine two people making plans - thus a conspiracy. They have the motive, the means, and the opportunity. Later, at a different point in face-time, another event happens. The same people are involved, and due to the face-time continuum, they can be linked to both events.

He has published his methods in the January edition of The American Heritage Periodical Foundation Society for American Heritage Quarterly. However, Prof Dedett has not been forthcoming as to his input data to test his unified conspiracy theory of relativity. Many peer reviewers are eager to get a chance to analyze the control input values that will serve to bolster the hypothesis.

Some of the output values were surprising. With face-time input equations factored in: Cheney, Bush, Rumsfeld, Kissinger, North, Gates, Kristol, Feith and Wolfowitz were all common derivatives in the equation with the boundaries [1960] and [2005]. The findings will have to be peer-reviewed scientifially before the theory can be officially validated. Different boundaries of face-time will yield different results.

Moreover, Dedett discovered, behavior in face-time becomes unpredictable as one approaches the speed of flight - that at which conspirators flee and which is believed to be unsurpassable. Current calculations put the speed of flight at about 763 feet per second, or roughly the speed of a jumbo-jet. As one approaches flight speed, face-time becomes distorted and it is difficult to discern physical reality. Perceptions of surroundings become severely perturbed; for example, a conspirator fleeing at flight speed would view all other conspirators as fleeing at the same speed, regardless of their actual behavior.

The complexities of the theory are hoped ultimately to be lost in the mainstream press, in order to give way to superficial generalities that will promote the status quo. Even Professor Dedett acknowledged that the general public "just might not be ready to grasp the details of a conspiracy theory of relativity."

New iBubble lets users cut themselves off indefinitely

2007-01-08T15:17:00.000+01:00

Apple takes lead in socio-isolation technology

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

SILICON VALLEY, CALIFORNIA

Consumers were excited on Monday to learn about the latest development from Apple laboratories which will soon be available for purchase on the retail market. The new, innovative iBubble will allow consumers to listen to music, initiate virtual dream sequences, upload the Internet directly to imbedded neuro-transmitter connectors (not included), and, eventually, play over 100,000 different video games without lifting a finger.

Retailing initially for about $500, the iBubble consists of an iPod-like device which can be put anywhere. It then creates an isolated electro-magnetic field which allows the user to have a completely private environment, from which virtual music, games and Internet can be hooked directly to human brain neuro-transmitters. The device will support iTuneOut 2.0 software, and has USB and Firewire incorporated. Battery-life autonomy is expected to be around 6 months, but later improvements and add-ons should give the device almost unlimited power autonomy, possibly even running off human body heat. This would let users have an indefinitely long "iBubble experience."

Apple had hoped to unveil the surprising new technology before the Christmas buying season, but due to restrictions and National Security concerns with the continuing War on Christmas, its announcement was delayed until today. Consumers have already lined up in some Bay Area stores to get their first look at the revolutionary iBubble.

"This is going to totally like change the way we, like, think, about, like, everything," said local Apple consumer and iPod enthusiast Bart Ender. "If I would a had this when I was 12, my life would a been way easier up to now."

Indeed, Apple intends to market the product to consumers who are looking for alternatives to perscription medication for Attention Deficit Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Nintendo Thumb, or Bob Dole's Disease. Potential markets would be lucrative: war veterans, school children, Katrina victims, prisoners, and so forth. The iBubble is "set to revolutionize the info-tain-music-inema industry," said Apple spokesman Mike Ash. "This will change the way we think about thinking."

The bold industry move comes at a time of intense pressure for Microsoft, which has been struggling to release its new Windows Vista software. Speculation about the delay ranges from software glitches to vast NSA conspiracies run by the shadow government. Software designer William Maykett suggested that Microsoft is "struggling to keep up with innovative industry standards, such as the iMac, the iPod, and now, the iBubble." Now, as Apple enjoys continued marketing success, Microsoft finds itself in an uphill battle for bragging rights in a tightly controlled tech industry.

United Nations unanimously rejects New Year's Resolution 728

2007-01-08T12:00:00.000+01:00

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationle

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

The UN General Assemby announced early Monday that it had decided to give up on New Year's Resolution 728, a contentious proposal that had called for the UN to quit smoking and lose ten or more pounds by the end of 2007. UN spokesman Warren Pragress said that after many hours of difficult consultations, reflection, bargaining and unprecedented diplomatic effort, different sides of the body could not go through with the resolution.

"It simply presented too much difficulty for the body," said Pragress Monday morning in front of the UN building in New York. "Basically, it's simply easier to leave things as they are, even if they're not ideal, or perhaps even unhealthy in the long term, because that way the conflicting parties involved can agree to disagree, and not take any action this year."

It is not the first time the UN has given up on New Year's resolutions, but Resolution 728 was unique in that it was the first time the UN had made an effort to simulatenously give up tobacco and lose weight.

"Perhaps if we had separated these two measures, and tackled them individually under two different resolutions, instead of trying to do everything at once, we would've succeeded," said Stan Dyorgryownd, a high-ranking diplomat from the southern province of Stankistan. "We need to concentrate on both things, as they are important for the UN body, but such drastic change in one resolution is overwhelming."

It is hoped that in 2008 the UN will be able to keep its New Year's resolutions through more delicate diplomatic maneuvering. Some propositions might include finally mowing the lawn on the grounds of the UN headquarters, fixing the running toilet in the men's bathroom on the 28th floor, changing the burned-out lightbulbs in the General Assembly room, as well as quitting smoking and losing ten pounds. It remains to be seen if 2008 will be any more favorable to the long list of so-far unkept UN New Year's resolutions.