THE LA ROCHELLE TIMES

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Sunday, December 24, 2006

Fox News says 'War on Christmas' could last 'several generations'

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Recent accredited reports from Fox News have surmised that the "War on Christmas" may last "several generations." The fight against secular extremists may take longer than initially expected, say some Fox News reporters.

At the outset, the war to regain notoriety for the oft-forgotten holiday seemed to be relatively limited. Since being relegated to the back pages of history by fundamentalist non-Christians, Christmas has become an obscure and misunderstood festival, ignored by the secular and brainwashed masses.

"People just don't celebrate Christmas any more," said Pastor Dick Prime. "We have to restore our Christmas traditions and take the fight to the secular jihadists who are attacking our religious traditions, by using any means necessary, be they chemical, biological or nuclear."

Since 2004, news organisations have bravely begun reporting on the war on Christmas, which had been ignored for years due to the "Jews, Arabs and other non-believers controlling the media," said Fox News correspondant Xavier Selph.

Further complicating the War effort is the influx of capitalism into the religious traditions surrounding Jesus' birth. Questions have been asked by non-Christians, or those who only casually celebrate the Christmas holiday, about the effects of gift-buying on what is supposed to be a purely religious holiday.

"I think Jesus would have wanted us to support our economy and our President," said Pastor Prime. "If that means incorporating more capitalism, then I say 'God bless,' especially if that brings more revenue to the church. But what is clear is that there is a sustained effort to undermine Christmas from all these sinners out there who haven't accepted Christ. We need to take the fight to them and let them know: either you're with Christmas, or you're with the secularists."

When asked about recent polls showing 86% of Americans celebrate Christmas, some defenders of the holiday stated their frustration.

"That means there's 14% out there who haven't accepted Christmas or maybe even Jesus," Sunday school teacher Fran Tick commented. "We need to bring the fight to them. That's over 45 million Americans, within our borders, who are waging a war against our Way of Life. They need to be re-educated and taught what it is to be American. That means accepting Christ and celebrating Jesus' birthday whether they like it or not. Together with the government and Department of Homeland Security, we're looking at special re-education camps to teach them the meaning of Christian traditions."

Indeed, Halliburton and Kellogg Brown and Root (KBR) have recently been contracted to build special camps around the US in what is forseen as the first steps in a wider front on the escalating war. Primarily defensive in nature, these camps would be used for captured "enemy combattants" that are caught promoting non-Christian traditions or otherwise secular holidays.

Fox News has recently taken the lead in reporting progress in the War on Christmas, which is part of a wider campaign in the War on Terror, the War on Drugs, and the War on Poverty. It has also been included in the Leader's most recent Three Year Plan.

Despite the fact that it may last "several generations," Americans are encouraged to prepare for sacrifice in the face of secular fundamentalists who despise American traditions and our Way of Life.

2 Comments:

  • At 26/12/06 5:27 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    i think fox is right we need to kill the secularist people they hate are freedoms

     
  • At 29/12/06 10:44 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Christmas was a secular invention legitimized by Christians. Just give it back to the secularists. Down with the religious! Down with money-grubbing pastors. Down with the poor representations of Christ, like O'Reilly.
    These people often do nothing but distract the masses in their search for truth. Truth is attainable, but our Western World doesn't give an opportunity for free time so it can be found.
    The article is a clever satire on the entire system. It is for this reason that I get my news from Comedy Central.

     

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