Sources: Tepco reports on Fukushima 'too radioactive to read'

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

TOKYO, JAPAN

Tokyo Electric Power Company (Tepco), which manages the stricken Fukushima nuclear power plant, announced late Friday that it would be happy to provide the meeting minutes and reports from the committee overseeing the crisis, but that these documents are too radioactive to be read by humans. They also stated that they are not currently aware of the source of the radiation, but that it has been known to kill anyone who reads the reports instantly.

"We would like to send report, but too much radiation, so not possible," said Nomokis Gunaite, a Tepco spokesman in California.

World governments have suspected for some time that Tepco has been trying to hide information about the reactors and possible leakage of radioactive particles. For the last ten months the three reactors most damaged by the earthquake and tsunami have been powered down, but no one knows for certain if the nuclear cores are still intact.

Tepco has accused nuclear power detractors of "only looking at the bad side of catastrophe," as well as being "too negative" and "pessimistic." Gunaite insists that the scars from the disaster will be gone "within a few millenia" and in "thirty or forty generations you won't even be able to tell." He encourages foreigners to continue to buy Japanese products which remain "undervalued," and to not "think too much about it."

The Citizens' Association for Nuclear and Coal Energy Rights (CANCER) has given its support to Tepco, giving the following statement to the La Rochelle Times:

"We are currently dealing with an economic slowdown across the world. Therefore it is important for everyone to stop constantly questioning things. Consumption and compliance are a citizen's duty. We need to continue to buy Japanese products and build nuclear plants throughout the world. We are disappointed to hear about these atheist environmentalists who continue to insist that solar or thermal energy can be used without consequences, since we all know that would endanger our current bailout system of the nuclear industry and the Western economies as a whole."

The United States Deparment of Energy has asked people to be patient, stating that the Tepco reports will become available as soon as they are within normal radiation levels, assuming a half-life of 36 years. They are expected to allow unfettered access to the documents by March 2358.

Merkel-Sarkozy sex tape surfaces

Future of Eurozone at risk after leak of raunchy footage

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

PARIS, FRANCE

Markets trembled Tuesday after footage surfaced showing German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Nicolas Sarkozy engaged in lewd acts. Investors, politicians and citizens the world over were nervously awaiting public statements from European governments for official comment on the sex tape, which was leaked on the Internet.

The kinky acts were apparently filmed after the latest European Union summit, where Merkel and Sarkozy had previously promised to "fix everything by next Wednesday."

Instead of concentrating on solving the debt crisis, providing liquidity to European organizations and redirecting social policy, it was revealed to the La Rochelle Times, the leaders instead preferred to fornicate wildly in front of the camera.

"They probably just thought it was more fun that way," said an anonymous French source from Bureau 293 of the Quai d'Orsay. "Obviously this footage should not have been released."

The couple, sometimes referred to casually as "Merkozy," has spent countless hours together trying to hammer out a solution to the Eurozone debt crisis. The leaked sex tape could not come at a worse time for the French leader, who has recently once again taken a back seat to cancer in the popularity ratings, after having ordered France to surrender to the obvious.

France surrenders to obvious

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PARIS, FRANCE

In a surprise diplomatic move late Thursday, the nation of France surrendered to the obvious, marking one more humiliating defeat for the old, battered country. The late-afternoon communiqué from the Quai d'Orsay, heavily laden with nuance and double-entendre, read as follows:

"We are so tired. Finally, after all these years, we can go on no longer. It is so obvious now, that we must surrender to it. Vive l'évidence, vive la France!"

Political commentators the world over were quick to jump on the surprise announcement.

FOX New's Hugh Briss said:

"This is so typical of the French, always surrendering. No one has a monopoly on white flags when it comes to the obvious. Who do they think they are? Do they think they're better than us or something? I don't get it."

MSNBCBS's Jess Furgidett commented:

"This is so typical of the French, always surrendering. I mean, like, nobody has got like a, you know, who farted and made France the king of board games? I don't get it."

The La Rochelle Time's Ben Lernen opined:

"It has been obvious for quite some time, but it takes real courage to admit it. I applaud the French today for what they have done. Whether it be losing their AAA credit rating, or giving tax breaks to citizens who rat on their neighbors, or just generally feeling superior in a non-chalant, passive-aggressive sort of way, I think a truly important threshold has been crossed here today."

Point-Counterpoint: Pets

Feline advocate: Cats are the best companions

You already know that cats are the best friends man can have. I don't have to remind you, but just in case you had forgotten I've just reminded you again. Now that you understand that, feel free to reflect on it. In the meantime, I will continue to feel superior to everyone and everything around you.

Let's take a moment to observe the surroundings while checking for any sign of movement. If anything moves, go find out what it is and if it keeps moving, kill it immediately. While it's dying make sure you take full advantage of its suffering and pain by tearing through its flesh several times with your teeth, then take your hand and swat it a couple times to make sure it's dead. Feel free to repeat this anytime you are hungry, bored, or angry.


Canine enthusiast: Dogs are the best companions

You are awesome! I love you so much! Wow! I'm just so excited that you're reading this! Is there anything else I can do to get your attention? Can I knock something over for you? Can I eat something? Maybe make some loud noises indicating some sort of danger approaching? Hey! Keep looking at me! I'm right here! Do you want me to go over there? Can I go get that thing and bring it back to you? Have I mentioned how much I love you? I'm so excited! Wow! All of the sudden I'm feeling sort of tired. Can we continue this later? I need a nap.

Whew, I sure needed that. Hey, you know what? You are awesome! I love you so much! Wow! I'm just so excited that you're reading this! Is there anything else I can do to get your attention? Can I knock something over for you? Can I eat something? Maybe make some loud noises indicating some sort of danger approaching? Hey! Keep looking at me! I'm right here! Do you want me to go over there? Can I go get that thing and bring it back to you? Have I mentioned how much I love you? I'm so excited! Wow! All of the sudden I'm feeling sort of tired. Can we continue this later? I need a nap.

World leaders: Everything will be fixed next Wednesday

'Just wait a few more days' say Heads of State

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

BERLIN, GERMANY

World leaders who gathered for an emergency summit on Thursday announced at a press conference this afternoon that they intended to fix everything next Wednesday. The growing list of financial, political, social and environmental problems around the world will be taken care of "in a few more days," they said, but they asked people to "be patient" and not expect anything too exciting this weekend.

"We urge people to remain calm and allow more time," said French Foreign Minister Destin Toulouse. "Next Wednesday we will find the solutions necessary, so by Thursday everyone can have the day off. Just wait a few more days please. And don't break the statues."

Despite the growing unrest apparent in Greek riots and the Occupy Wall Street movement in the United States, leaders have remained calm by insisting that next Wednesday will provide the solution to the multitude of seemingly-impossible problems that have so far proved daunting for individual governments.

When La Rochelle Times reporters pressed for more details they were quickly rounded up and whisked away to an undisclosed location. Authorities have released a statement explaining that they also intend to find a solution to the journalists' situation next Wednesday.

States promise to un-execute the innocent

'Wrongly-terminated' to benefit from posthumous rights, states say

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

AUSTIN, TEXAS

US states that still use the death penalty vowed to posthumously un-execute any inmate found to be innocent with new DNA evidence, sources reported to the La Rochelle Times on Monday. In a gesture of goodwill towards families of falsely executed prisoners the states will send a letter explaining the error and offering their apologies. The letters will also include a Declaration of Un-execution signed by the current governor of the state.

"We feel that unfairly executed inmates should also have the right to be un-executed," said South Carolina's state prison Superintendent Paul Bearer. "It's only fair to give the wrongly-terminated that right as a minimum. We recognize our error and would like to make it up to these families that have suffered by not having to pay taxes for these innocent inmates for so long."

The Declarations of Un-execution will allow those "wrongly-terminated" to receive all their original rights back after having lost them due to court sentencing. These would include the right to vote, the right to haunt and the right to owe taxes.

Organizations such as the ACLU applauded the move, particularly after high profile cases have recently come to light showing the need to reform the death penalty.

"This is an archaic and outdated form of punishment that puts the United States in line with other Third World nations," said ACLU spokesman Noam Moore.

"With over one in fifty US adults involved in the prison-industrial complex, we are glad to see concrete steps being taken to reduce the number of wrongfully executed inmates. We believe that superficial reforms and face-saving measures should be put forward by states in order to show the public that there is some change happening despite the obvious failure of the criminal justice system, particularly given the advanced state of corruption and mediocrity that currently plagues the American political and financial systems."

While agreeing to acknowledge wrongful executions, state lawmakers also promised to ramp up efforts at passing frivolous laws and regulations, particularly for the lower classes.

"We realize now the need to put in place draconian restrictions and incomprehensible legislation, in order to protect the innocent," said Georgia lawmaker Roy Altee in a talk with the La Rochelle Times. "Any and all natural and instinctive human behavior such as the need to survive, eat, reproduce and thrive, must be tamed. Not with education or constructive solutions, mind you, but with brute force codified law that leaves no wiggle-room for today's would-be evil-doers."

He added, "This of course applies to anyone making less than a seven-figure income, according to Section 8C of USC1023."

Families of the innocent victims of capital punishment will begin receiving their letters next week.

The La Rochelle Times obtained a sample letter from the Texas Bureau of Prisons:
(click to enlarge)

-LRT

Feline unemployment tops 96%

Government agencies vow to put 'lazy fat cats' to work

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

A spokesman for the Department of Labor Statistics announced late Monday that feline unemployment numbers had recently surpassed 96%, with more than 19 out of 20 American cats out of work. The devastating statistics come at a time of economic uncertainty in the United States, as banks and brokers continue to pound equities, metals and commodities markets in order to pilfer every remaining dime from the average layperson, the La Rochelle Times has learned.

"We have recently witnessed an unprecedented decrease in the number of jobs for felines," said the US Labor Department's Xavier Selvze. "Most of these cats sit around all day. They display no sense of urgency or motivation, they lack objectives and they are clearly disorganized. The only things that seem to motivate these creatures is the food which they either scavenge in nature or obtain through dependency relationships with others."

The government's goal is to create new, dynamic workplace environments in order to give proper motivation to these unemployed and often overweight felines.

"We intend to put these lazy fat cats to work," continued Selvze. "Enough of this sitting around all day. Do you realize some of these creatures sleep sixteen hours a day? This is unprecedented and totally unacceptable."

The few cats that have enjoyed continued employment have often been engaged in laboratory experiments and scientific work, Selvze said. The government intends to increase tax incentives for corporations that use feline labor, thus encouraging companies to include an increasing number of cats in the work force. An overwhelming majority of the currently employed are involved in the cosmetics and pharmaceutical businesses, Selvze explained.

"In an ideal world, we'd like to see these numbers decrease to about fifteen or twenty percent," Selvze explained. "Most cats know they should be doing more with their lives. They really lack an overall sense of purpose. It's as if they feel entitled to exist in nature without contributing to our economic system. We're dedicated to changing that."

Man arrested at airport after wishing fellow travellers 'Happy September 11th'

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

A Milwaukee resident was arrested at Chicago O'Hare airport yesterday on suspicion of terrorist activities, after he saw off fellow travelers and subsequently wished them a "Happy September 11th." Local officers from the Department of Fatherland Security overheard the remark and immediately arrested Darren Dusspeaquep, 31, who is being held in indefinite detention without charge and without bail until further notice.

"This guy just made this comment, like 'Have a nice September 11th' or something," said traveler William Mourne. "I heard him from where I was sitting having coffee. I thought the cops should have just taken him out right there, but I guess we still have some semblance of due process so we have to respect his 'rights' or some crap like that. A low-life like him doesn't even deserve rights in my opinion."

Security agents say travelers are allowed to wish each other a "Merry 9-11," but that the word "Happy" can not be used verbally in conjunction with a September 11th greeting or salute. The provision is part of the new Patriot Act renewal, they told the La Rochelle Times, and any infraction of the law can have severe consequences.

"We definitely want people to remember and commemorate 9-11," said DFS Director Pat Downe. "But they have to use the right language and gestures. Let's remember this is a post 9-11 world, so we can't just tolerate any kind of speech here. People need to watch what they say."

Officers stated that travelers are encouraged to underscore the emotional hardships endured in a post 9-11 world, using examples of personal stories and negative feelings of anger and despair. Rational analysis, sarcasm or outright satirical comments regarding the attacks could be considered violations of the latest Patriot Act, they explained.

"If people want to talk about where they were, how they felt, or how guilty Bin Laden and the Arabs are, that's great," said Downe. "But it stops there. After that, anything they say can and will be used against them. Especially if they try to introduce any logical analysis of data that we've obtained since the events ten years ago."

Local lawyer Jay L. Scelle, who just recently received his law degree, has agreed to defend Mr. Dusspeaquep. After having been allowed to talk at length with his client for five minutes this afternoon, he told the La Rochelle Times that Dusspeaquep has been known to make jokes in the past and has recently been prescribed Perkitup after suffering from a sleeping disorder. Perkitup is a recently introduced anti-depressant from pharmaceutical company Perplexia. Mr. Scelle insists that the drug may have had an effect on his client.

Dusspeaquep is expected to be arraigned in Federal Court on terrorism-related charges before 2023.

Presidential candidates promise to look like they are in charge

Frontrunners swear oath to use powerful body language, appear busy

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Candidates in the upcoming 2012 Presidential elections gathered early Wednesday at the Federal Reserve Ballroom in Washington, D.C. to formalize their campaigns. Among the duties and formalities was an oath in which they swore "to uphold the image of a powerful world leader, by using powerful body language, appearing busy, and always looking like [insert name here] is in charge," the La Rochelle Times has learned. If elected, candidates are expected to adhere to constantly maintaining an image of being the dominant group member regardless of what events may occur.

"We have crossed an important threshold here today," said Grant Pardons, Presidential libertarian candidate from Texas, who was among the lesser-known participants at the ceremony. "Now all of us are committed to looking like we are doing something concrete."

"It's really intended to function on a sociological level," said Behavioral Studies Psychologist and Grant Pardons supporter Betty Winze.

"We all know that if our candidate gets in there, he'll make sure to impose his dominant aura while maintaining the status quo, insuring money and no-bid contracts continue to flow into Washington. Also of course he needs to look busy so that no one begins to question why nothing has been done about our fraudulent monetary system, criminal bankers, corrupt officials and systemic breakdown of justice and equality. In order to maintain the façade, we need to make sure all Presidential nominees are ready to look like they are the ones calling the shots."

Attendees were satisfied with the candidates' commitment to mediocrity and triteness, particularly since some Republicans have been known in the past to be unable to keep a straight face while taking oaths.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE LA ROCHELLE TIMES IS SPONSORED BY

Scientists: East Coast quake may have been Obama's Fault

Newly discovered seismic zone named after current President could have sparked tremor, say geologists

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

A recently discovered fault along the East Coast named for President Obama is believed to be responsible for the earthquake that jolted East Coast residents yesterday afternoon. At a press conference Wednesday morning scientists relayed the details about the newly located subduction zone and other observations to the La Rochelle Times. Washington insiders were quick to respond.

"We were almost certain this was Obama's Fault from the start," said Congressional Republican Warren Eirack. "As soon as I felt the ground start shaking I thought to myself, you know, if it hadn't been for this administration, this would never have happened."

Scientists were more hesitant to say it was entirely Obama's Fault, stating that it could have been a combination of faults that led to the unexpected tremor.

"Any unexpected shake-up of the status quo, whether it be a minor tremor or a major terrestrial upheaval, is usually the result of a combination of factors," said geologist Anna Thema. "It's easy to say it was Obama's Fault. While that may be somewhat true, the reality is it was probably a complex chain of events that led to this unusual event. If we truly want to understand the phenomenon, we have to get past saying it was Obama's Fault and look at the other faults present within the same system."

Some Republicans were nonplussed after hearing Thema's remarks.

"Regardless of what the people who believe in evolution think, the truth is undeniable. This event was still primarily Obama's Fault," retorted Eirack after the press conference. "Obviously something could have been done sooner, and nothing was. Here we are giving money to these fundamentalist scientific extremists, and all they can do is say, 'hey lookie here we found ourselves a nice new subduction zone.' Well woopdie [frickin'] do! I don't know about my colleagues but I'll be the first to cut funding to these Pagan circle dancers if they don't own up, admit it was Obama's Fault and try and do something about it."

Obama's Fault was fully mapped in early 2009, after geologists had launched an initiative to locate new faults along the East Coast. Throughout the 20th century known seismic lines along the East Coast had been referred to as "white faults," but geologists had long suspected there were a number of inconspicuous "black faults" as well. Harder to locate and more difficult to discern, the black faults had sometimes appeared in data measurements but they had never been officially located and mapped into the system.

In late 2008, all of that changed when Thema and her colleagues finally pinpointed the location of the first black fault. Named after the then President-elect, the new black fault was studied in order to determine what its behavior would be in the future. By April 2009 they had most of it figured out.

"We knew by then it would behave pretty much like the older white faults," said Thema. "There's really no difference, other than some superficial outward appearances. But on the inside they act pretty much the same. When they're ready to cause problems, black or white it's all the same. We actually felt pretty sheepish after the fact. It's pretty naive to think we could find a fault line that would behave differently than all the others. Fault lines are all on crack, as we like to say."

TSA agent accidentally impregnates passenger

Conception result of checkpoint error, says supervisor

Amanda Scorne
La Lune de la presse internationale

ALTANTA, GEORGIA

In a prepared statement to the La Rochelle Times late Wednesday, the Transportation Shame Agency (TSA) denied all wrongdoing in the unfortunate accidental impregnation of a nubile female passenger last Friday. The buxom, twenty-something brunette, described by friends and relatives as "above-average" and "hot," was found to be pregnant upon arrival at LAX after having passed through TSA screening in Atlanta.

After suspecting that the routine screening and vaginal penetration at TSA security checkpoint at Hartfield-Jackson International Airport could have led to her impregnation, the woman visited a medical facility to undergo testing. Analysis confirmed that TSA sperm was in fact used to impregnante her, according to several sources.

"This is really a ... misunderstanding," explained TSA regional supervisor Kirsten Swore. "The public needs to realize that no TSA agent would intentionally impregnate a passenger. Obviously this was a case where ... some ... sperm got loose. Unfortunately it found its way into an unsuspecting passenger. These things happen, so people just need to be ... patient, form a clear line, remove any shoes or undergarments, and allow an extra thirty to sixty minutes before their ... departure."

Numerous agents have told the La Rochelle Times that passengers need not worry about occasional impregnations at security checkpoints.

"We have to keep America safe," said Memphis agent Felix Cited. "If that means having to impregnate a few people from time to time, then I guess that's something Americans are just going to have to accept."

Civil Liberties and Women's Rights groups have cried foul, declaring that TSA impregnations are unfairly aimed at women.

"We need to ensure all genders of Americans are being impregnanted equally," said ALCU coordinator Stan Dalone. "TSA agents these days feel that they can target certain groups, but they need to think twice about their actions."

Legislation currently being proposed in Texas would bar TSA agents from penetrating most passengers unless absolutely warranted. Federal authorities, however, have threatened to cancel all flights to Texas if the bill passes, despite the fact that many regions of Texas remain totally uninteresting to most travellers.

Moreover, the TSA has said, passengers should take into account that free cancer screenings are being offered with every body scan.

"Texans need to understand that their security is nearly as important as other Americans', and almost five times as important as that of people from other countries, particularly Mexico," commented Swore. "Think of it as a tiered system. One American life is worth about two Texans at current rates, or about 5.4 foreigers, so our work is clearly cut out for us."

The nubile young woman has not yet said whether she wishes to press charges. The La Rochelle Times will continue to follow the foetus as it develops.

Strains of ADHD, PTSD combine to form mutant Post-Traumatic Attention-Deficit Hyperactive-Stress Disorder

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

Doctors held an urgent press conference Monday to alert the public to a mutant strain, dubbed PTADHSD, that has developed after Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder combined unexpectedly.

The spread of the mutant form is problematic, since it causes its victims to have multiple hallucinations while not being able to pay attention to any of them for more than a few seconds. During the episodes victims often sweat profusely while running in circles, sometimes called "doing flashback laps" by industry experts. When this is finished, doctors have noticed, victims are often traumatized by the episodes which can lead to further onset of PTADHSD as a vicious cycle ensues.

"This is the mother of all disorders," said Dr. Noah Poinment. "Normally patients with ADHD or PTSD are already dealing with a lot. Now we have the two combining to create this type of super-disease which we are just going to have to fight with more and more prescription medications.

"We really hope to treat the symptoms of this disease. Obviously finding the root causes is much less important, since that would simply lead us down a dangerous path of calling many of our fundamental societal values into question. So since that can't be done, we intend to prescribe our way to health by working with the drug companies to find a costly short-term cure."

It is not currently understood exactly how the disease is contracted or transmitted. Some fringe alternative-medicine groups have postulated that people who exhibit mindless consumption, psychopathic tendencies for personal gain and dedication to the status quo may be more at risk, although mainstream doctors dismiss this theory.

Pharmaceutical companies rejoiced at the news Monday afternoon, however, as they scrambled to ramp up production of existing treatments. Plans are in the works to develop more patented drugs that consumers will be forced to buy at inflated prices, thereby helping the companies' bottom lines.

"This will be great for our shareholders and the board of directors," said Robert Trezurie, executive marketing strategist for the pharmaceutical maker Perplexia. "Everyone who is important is positively affected by today's freak discovery."

Drug makers and doctors hope to have a profitable cure for PTADHSD within the next several hours.

United States Mint to switch to chocolate coinage

Move expected to sweeten economy

Luke Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The US Mint announced late Friday that starting this summer new US coinage would be issued in solid chocolate. The move comes as metals prices continue to increase and the Federal Reserve is launching a 24-hour cable news channel featuring constant footage of money being printed.

"We felt this was a way to show America that our economy can remain strong," said US Treasury spokesman William Akemoore. "Since the metal value of pennies and nickels now far exceeds their nominal value, we think switching to a chocolate-based coinage will allow for price stabilization. We hope that consumers will not hold on to the new coins for too long, since doing that will likely melt them into one large sticky mass of liquid chocolate. So Americans will now have to spend their change quickly if they don't want it to melt. This will most certainly boost the economy."

The US Mint plans to take all obsolete metal coinage out of circulation by mid-summer. The plan is to scrap the metal and sell it to China for about 25% of its market value in exchange for valuable US Treasury bonds.

The new coins will be wrapped in a gold-colored foil that the Mint hopes will dupe an overwhelming majority of Americans into thinking the coins have some metal value.

Wal-Mart will be participating in the move, launching a new "Change We Can Believe In" advertising campaign in its stores to restore faith in American coinage and increase consumer confidence.

Critics of the switch have underlined the diminishing value of the US dollar, the Federal Reserve's relentless money printing and inflation, which in theory could be brought under control through debt reduction and backing the currency with tangible goods and assets, such as precious metals.

"That's just simply doubleplusungoodthink," explained Akemoore. "Obviously we're working to help restore the American economy. We've got other major problems to deal with, and Americans should be focusing their energy on those instead: terrorism, crimethink, and sexcrime continue to be the major issues in America today. We need to restore our currency system so that we can continue to fund joycamps around the country and win the war in Eurasia. Switching over to a chocolate-based coinage system is a major step in the right direction."

Teachschoolers demand a cure for lysdexia

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

NOTWASHING, C.D.

The nation's teachschoolers came to Notwashing, C.D., yertesday demanding a ruce for lysdexia, which they say had has a profround intact on their stupils during their yeaching tears. It is estismeated that to up fitfeen precent of the general pulopation have psymptoms of lysdexia that often can go undectected.

"We are hear today remanding a lostution, so our voices can be met and our demands seen," said Yuri Mehmbur, a teachschooler from Breen Gay, Wisdinscon. "Far so the goverment hasn't done anything to redress our concerts and this is accuneptable."

While no one from the Partdipment of Deducation has presponded for the moment, there is pesculation that a new dubget of several brillion dollars could be conscratated in the fruture to help teachschoolers as well as stupils to come over lysdexia. The La Tochelle Rimes will continue to frollow the stoyer as it envelops.

US vows to enforce freedom in Libya with prolonged military occupation

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

TRIPOLI, LIBYA

With growing unrest throughout the Middle East due to the increasing price of Apple products, the situation in Libya has become worrying for Washington. Thousands of civilians are already reported dead as the country falls into the grips of a bitter civil conflict that could last months or years.

"Best to get involved now, rather than later," says military expert Roger Datt. "The US has a long history of getting involved in civil wars, either through direct military intervention or through backdoor clandestine funding of rebel factions. This has historically worked out well."

White House spokesman Tad Strange spoke on behalf of the Obama Administration at a press conference Monday morning.

"All options are on the table. Let it also be noted that the Pentagon has supplied the table for today's press conference. We are ready to incite peace in Libya, if need be. If the Libyans will only understand the peaceful ring of freedom through the explosion of American-made Lockheed-Martin laser-guided missiles outside their bedroom windows, then we are ready to take it to the next level. We are deeply committed to making the Libyans understand what they're missing."

Operation Neverending Quagmire could begin as early as yesterday afternoon in order to bring about the total and unconditional submission of the largely inferior and poorly-armed Libyan forces. According to internal sources, the surgical strikes and precision military maneuvers will make quick work of any opposition and set the country on the path to freedom and democracy "within a few hours." The stage will then be set for phase two of Neverending Quagmire, which will likely last anywhere from three to eighty-seven years, involving constant but totally uninteresting military occupation of the country's oil fields.

American investors, hungry for profits in a downtrodden domestic economy, are also eager to pour money into military and industrial techonologies that could be used to enforce freedom and necessitate democracy in the arbitrarily-created boundaries of this coincidentally oil-rich North African country.

"This will be great for my stock portfolio," said financial analyst and investor Bysom Moore. "Boy I sure hope they go through with this enforcing freedom thing. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq just aren't cutting it for my profit margin any more."

A resident of Tripoli, Albi al-Reit, told the La Rochelle Times during a phone interview that the United States should stay out of Libya's internal affairs, and that the country needed to work through this difficult time without the interference of major world political powers. "We could really use some bottled water, medical supplies and other necessities," he said before the line went dead. Further attempts to contact al-Reit were unsuccessful.