"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand the idea of subatomic particles that make up the basic building blocks of quantum mechanics underlying the innate vibrational nature of matter itself."

Monday, August 27, 2012

Beverage Companies to Begin Drilling for High-Fructose Corn Syrup

Summer Drought Requires 'Other Sources,' Says Industry

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale


With the severe drought of 2012 responsible for a recent sudden increase in corn prices, beverage producers have announced they will begin exploration for underground reserves of high fructose corn syrup to stave off shortages in the future.

Expecting a largely-diminished corn crop at the end of this season, investors and producers are scrambling to find other sources of the sweet syrup in order to make sure carbonated beverage production is not reduced and Americans' waistlines are not unduly affected, sources told the La Rochelle Times.

"We expect a dramatic increase in prices due to the reduced harvest," said industry spokesman Grant Wisch. "It's only logical to begin looking for other sources elsewhere. It worked for oil and gas, so we figure we may as well try it too."

State and regional authorities are jubilant about the financial opportunities that the new drilling will present, the La Rochelle Times has learned. Beverage companies are willing to dole out large campaign contributions and large, lump-sum bribes in order to have access to prime drilling sites.

"We sort of doubt they'll find anything, but they're willing to pay for it, so we figure a little healthy exploration isn't going to hurt anybody," said a local mayor in drought-stricken Southern Kansas. "Everybody just needs to make sure to continue to support the beverage industry through the unmitigated and unrestrained impulse purchases of sugary carbonated drinks."

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Armstrong stripped of seven Space Race titles

Apollo program marred by doping allegations

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Astronaut Neil Armstrong, who was up until now officially the first man to walk on the surface of the Moon, was posthumously stripped yesterday of all seven of his Moon Landing titles due to doping charges and continuing controversy about the authenticity of official records. By default the first man on the Moon now becomes Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin, who as of yet has been cleared of any illicit doping activity during the 1969 Apollo 11 mission. Armstrong, who simultaneously passed away yesterday at the age of 82, was not expected to contest the decision.

Years of behind-the-scenes controversy preceded today's announcement, NASA sources reported. There have been allegations surrounding doping, physical inconsistencies and footage tampering of the landings from NASA outsiders for decades. However, no consensus has become clear as to the veracity of the possible conspiracy. There was enough evidence, however, to strip Armstrong of his titles based on evidence of doping while in space.

Public reaction was divided as news of the sanctions was announced through mainstream media outlets.

"I can't believe it," said Houston resident Alma Faithe Faydes. "It's just such a shock after all these years, because Armstrong was just such a legend around here. You know, whenever there'd be a Space Race we'd always expect Armstrong to win for the United States. But now, it's like we have to ask if it was just a cruel propaganda stunt. It's unbelievable."

Other citizens thought the decision was handed down fairly.

"The Space Race is anybody's game. At least today we have shown that cheating to get to the Moon first will no longer be tolerated, even if the Moon does belong to the United States," said a Dallas businessman, Juan Tim Bezzle. "It's a hard knock for Armstrong for sure, but he shouldn't have gone to the Moon if he needed to use illegal substances in order to reach an extraterrestrial body, even if it is contained by the Earth's gravity."

Armstrong's titles will be officially transferred in the coming weeks, one for each of the seven Apollo Moon landings. Despite his extensive collaboration with NASA, Stanley Kubrick was unavailable to comment on the decision. The La Rochelle Times will continue to follow the story as it develops.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Robotic Monarch to Replace Queen Elizabeth II as British Head of State

New indestructible 'Krown Jules' shall govern automatically

Howie Dewitt
La Lune de la presse internationale


The British Crown announced late Friday that they are preparing for a transition to an automated system of monarchy in the coming years. A new robotic monarch, quaintly named 'Krown Jules,' will take the reigns of power from Queen Elizabeth II and help transition the British public to a more modern system of robotic, automated governance, authorities told the La Rochelle Times.

"We expect this new monarch to be able to hold the throne for the next two or three thousand years, perhaps longer, depending on our replacement parts," said Embassy spokesman Darren Deeds. "It's the logical replacement for the current Queen, to whom we owe our gratitude for allowing us to be such loyal subjects during these last sixty or so years. But frankly, the line of succession is a nightmare. The princes have a lot of baggage, so we figure it will just be easier to make everything automated at this point. Krown Jules is a great solution to all of this."

Making current monarchs redundant has received some popular support, but the remaining human royals will be guaranteed large pensions and comfortable living arrangements, "at least for as long as we can keep the British people subjugated," said Deeds.

The automation process goes along with the increasing surveillance state apparatus being put in place across the United Kingdom.

"It's only logical that we would have a robotic monarch, what with all the security cameras, Internet surveillance, facial recognition techniques and what have you," said London resident Chuck Eupharlie.

"I personally support any and all curtailment of my personal freedoms and liberties in order to feel safer, and this just confirms that our useless, outdated and totally symbolic head of state will better conform to that image."

Krown Jules is expected to be able to perform all of the regular functions of a Head of State, including shaking hands, being visible and appearing to be an authority figure.

The coronation ceremony will be announced in the near future, but Londoners and their pocketbooks are expected to be given some time to recover from the Queen's Jubilee Celebration and the Summer Olympics before further tax and price increases, budget restrictions and governmental changes can be enacted.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

NASA Rover Accosted by Martian Protesters

Extraterrestrials demand immediate withdrawal of US probe

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


An angry mob of rioting Martians surrounded the NASA Curiosity probe this morning in a clear gesture of interplanetary discontent. The group of resident red planet dwellers demanded an immediate return of the probe, which is currently conducting missions on the Martian surface.

"We are sick and tired of being probed," said one exasperated Martian. "This is all wrong, it should be the other way around. We are the more advanced life form. Hasn't anyone seen a Science Fiction film from the 1950's?"

The NASA probe is currently gathering data in preparation for China's construction of its first Martian factory before the end of the year.

Other extraterrestrial colonies were unavailable for comment, but it can be presumed that they are still upset from the derogatory and obsequious designation given to their planetary and solar systems.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Julian Assange will receive conjugal visits at Ecuadorian embassy on condition of sex partners' pressing charges afterwards

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


According to sources close to the British government, Julian Assange, the Swedish founder of Wikileaks who is expected to remain holed up in the Ecuadorian embassy in London, will be able to receive conjugal visits to keep him busy during the coming years of reclusion. All of his sexual partners, be they men or women, will be required to file official rape and sexual assault charges as a condition of entry and consent, the sources reported to the La Rochelle Times.

"Given the current state of things, we could really use some more juicy tidbits in order to deliver the goods on Assange," said London embassy spokesman Roger That. "These first two Swedish broads tried their best, but it wasn't enough. We need to parade some other fresh meat in front of him while he's bored out of his mind in the embassy. It will be consensual, of course, until it isn't."

The United States hopes to use the new testimonial proof against Assange in order to extradite him to Washington, where he can be tried for leaking state secrets.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

'Tough Love' Preschools to Install Maximum Security Time-out Rooms

Bea Leary
La Lune de la presse internationale


In a progressive move toward a safer society, a new chain of private preschools around the United States announced Monday that it would install maximum-security time-out rooms for toddlers and small children up to 5 years of age.

The installations, complete with barbed wire, solitary confinement cells and laser perimeter detection, are intended to prepare children for long-term insertion into society as a whole.

Conservative parent groups applauded the decision, calling it "a sensible move in an unpredictable and unforgiving world," and saying that it would weed out "the bad elements" as soon as they began to show themselves.

"We intend to use the maximum security time-out room for all time-outs ranging from five minutes to a maximum, full-day sentence," said preschool director Emmanuel Lerner. "This shows the children that we're serious about nipping problem behavior in the bud before it becomes ingrained and institutionalized. Of course this means depriving the kids of the necessary love and affection they require to grow and flourish, but that way they are ready to adapt to this form of correctional reaction later in life."

Prison sentences have of course increased dramatically in length in the United States since the 1970's, and the prison population is now the largest in the world with more than 1 in 100 American adults incarcerated or on parole. Tough Love Preschools intend to prepare today's children for the inevitable development of this trend. At current rates, about 25% of Americans, or roughly 75 million, should be imprisoned at some point during the 21st century.

"We intend to target these problem kids for time outs. We need to exclude those young individuals who are thinking incorrectly, expressing themselves too loudly or in a unique, ungrouplike fashion, as well as those who prefer inter-relational development skills over materialistic possession of toys and such. Conformity is the goal of course, with acquisition of material possessions through coercion and brute force being a close second. We know without love and attention human beings, and mammals in general, become ill and die," said Lerner. "May as well get the kids used to that as young as possible and use it to our advantage."

Treating toddlers and young children in the same fashion as adults has come under some criticism by fringe citizens' groups, however. They maintain that the children's brains have not yet developed to a point that they will understand why they are being punished, so it is unfair to apply the same standards to them as to mature individuals.

"That's patently false," commented Lerner. "Many adults don't have mature brains either. You don't punish the person, you punish the act. And Tough Love Inc. deems what acts are appropriate, just like in society. The little ones have no say. There's no reason to try to understand anything beyond that."

This move, along with states' recent decision to un-execute the innocent, shows a new trend towards proactive solutions that will eliminate correctional and behavioral problems throughout modern American society. According to their mission statement Tough Love Preschools Inc. intends to "produce the parents of tomorrow through means of intuitive behavior correction and positive-reinforcement withdrawal through basic humiliation and isolation techniques."

Parents will be able to sign their children up starting next week. Ethnic, racial and sexual minorities may apply for a discount.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Bankrupt states to pay unemployment benefits by adding Facebook friends

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale


States on the brink of bankruptcy announced early Monday that they have no choice but to turn to Facebook in order to meet unemployment benefit payments, sources reported to the La Rochelle Times.

According to the announcement, states will begin doling out benefits by sending friend requests to the unemployed. Profiles of state legislators, governors, mayors and other civil servants will be used in order to bolster Facebook users' friend statuses, as well as improve their social standing among their peers. As an added bonus, states will be able to keep track of the unemployed through "real-time network observation."

For every $100 in unemployment benefits, a person will receive one free Facebook friend. As long as the person remains on unemployment the Facebook friend will not unfriend him, no matter how many nasty, snide or off-color comments are made on his profile.

"This is the price of paying with Facebook," said one state unemployment office worker, Evan Moore. "We're thinking of offering stock options as well."

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Opinion: Christ was a teacher, so we should crucify teachers too

By Pastor Arden Isle

As a fundamentalist Christian, I know a lot about Christ. I know he was the son of God, a prophet, a leader, a spiritual guide and also, a teacher. I know he was crucified. So common logic would tell me we need to keep crucifying our teachers, as we did with Christ. I mean, everything has pretty much gone according to His plan. It would really be for their own good anyway, in the long run.

You see, we don't really need teachers, per se. We need instructors. We need hardened and rigorous individuals who give orders and tell people what to think, not how to think. Christ, as an allegorical presentation of man himself, gave people wisdom and brought them the knowledge to reflect on themselves. And he paid the price for it.

Real teachers of today are the same deal. If they try to give people the means and methods to come to their own conclusions, they really need to be nailed up. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. And you can lead a man to knowledge, but you can't make him think. But you can crucify the guy who led him to the knowledge, and that's a good start, in my book.

As a society, we need to venerate the sacrifice Christ made for us by allowing our nation's teachers to make the same sacrifice to God. I propose we separate the teachers from the instructors, nail up the ones who have proved they can open people's minds and hearts, and keep the rest. That way, things will pretty much go according to God's plan.

Pastor Isle currently preaches with Pastor Harry Koch and the Brothers in Jesus Ministries.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

In event of magnetic pole shift maps to be turned upside down

Experts say apocalypse, societal breakdown will be minor details

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale


Researchers at the University of Wisconsin Madison announced early Wednesday that in the event of a sudden magnetic pole shift on December 21, 2012, people will have to adapt quickly to looking at maps upside down. The announcement comes as no surprise to doomsday preppers, who have been training to read upside down maps for the last several years.

Other events that would be set off by a sudden pole shift, such as tidal waves, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, apocalyptic food shortages, societal breakdown and loss of basic cable channels, would be "relatively minor details," they said.

"What is going to be difficult is for everybody to have to look at their maps the wrong way," said UW Historian Dustin DeAttik. "You ever looked at the world map upside down? It's stressful."

In a positive development, an iPhone application will soon be released that will automatically correct the maps, it was reported to the La Rochelle Times.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Statue of Liberty stolen by copper thieves

Officials feign outrage as statue cut up and sold to smelters

Amanda Laffatt
La Lune de la presse internationale


New York Port Authority officials were slightly surprised yesterday when Liberty island opened to tourists. Instead of a dominating and historic symbol of liberty towering above them, tourists saw only the stone pedestal base. Early reports indicate that sometime during the night Thursday copper thieves made off with the statue.

"We don't really have any suspects at the moment," said NYPD spokesman Jay LeSelle. "Obviously whoever did it had some experience. But before we can arrest suspects and press charges the city, state and federal governments need to file the appropriate paperwork. To my understanding that hasn't been done, so at this point it's worth more in copper than it's worth in liberty."

Government officials generally expressed little or no reaction to the theft.

"There are a rash of copper thefts going on at the moment, even though the economy is improving. You just have to take it as it comes," said Interior Secretary Nick Ellandime. "We could try and do something, find the culprits and all that, but what's the point? It's too late, the statue is already gone and melted. We don't need to play the blame game, let's just move on from here."

Some fringe citizens' groups have stated publicly that someone should be held accountable. Even better, they claim, would be to actually find the people responsible.

"I mean, whatever, like, someone just, like, comes in and takes the thing? And the government's all like, 'that sucks but hey, peace and love?' Something doesn't seem right to me," said noted conspiracy theorist and ALCU member Ben Lernen. He pointed out to the La Rochelle Times the recent sale of Liberty Island to New World Holdings Unlimited, an international investment conglomerate headquartered in Dubai.

Since then, Lernen explained, workers at the statue have had their hours and security clearances modified. New equipment and managerial staff had been brought in from overseas, and the city negotiated several million dollars in cash and property deals in exchange for rights to the statue. Confirmed sources of information are difficult to obtain at this time, however.

City officials declined to comment, stating the investigation is "non-going" and therefore no statements can be issued at this time.

International reaction has been subdued. France, notably, called the theft "regrettable but ingenious" and said French industries would be happy to help purchase the smelted copper by the ton at low market prices.

"We are so tired, but we will do whatever we can to help get this back for our allies," said French Foreign Ministry spokesman Destin Toulouse. "If that means buying black-market metals at fire-sale prices, then so be it."

Pending the outcome of the non-going investigation, some have said that the statue should be rebuilt. However a La Rochelle Times / Elysée poll indicated that a majority of citizens would prefer to see the copper used to make new electronic devices, calling the Statue of Liberty "outdated," "useless," and "a total waste of an idea." Some have recently suggested a large statue of Steve Jobs should be built in its place, preferably out of a less expensive base metal.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Sources: Tepco reports on Fukushima 'too radioactive to read'

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Tokyo Electric Power Company (Tepco), which manages the stricken Fukushima nuclear power plant, announced late Friday that it would be happy to provide the meeting minutes and reports from the committee overseeing the crisis, but that these documents are too radioactive to be read by humans. They also stated that they are not currently aware of the source of the radiation, but that it has been known to kill anyone who reads the reports instantly.

"We would like to send report, but too much radiation, so not possible," said Nomokis Gunaite, a Tepco spokesman in California.

World governments have suspected for some time that Tepco has been trying to hide information about the reactors and possible leakage of radioactive particles. For the last ten months the three reactors most damaged by the earthquake and tsunami have been powered down, but no one knows for certain if the nuclear cores are still intact.

Tepco has accused nuclear power detractors of "only looking at the bad side of catastrophe," as well as being "too negative" and "pessimistic." Gunaite insists that the scars from the disaster will be gone "within a few millenia" and in "thirty or forty generations you won't even be able to tell." He encourages foreigners to continue to buy Japanese products which remain "undervalued," and to not "think too much about it."

The Citizens' Association for Nuclear and Coal Energy Rights (CANCER) has given its support to Tepco, giving the following statement to the La Rochelle Times:

"We are currently dealing with an economic slowdown across the world. Therefore it is important for everyone to stop constantly questioning things. Consumption and compliance are a citizen's duty. We need to continue to buy Japanese products and build nuclear plants throughout the world. We are disappointed to hear about these atheist environmentalists who continue to insist that solar or thermal energy can be used without consequences, since we all know that would endanger our current bailout system of the nuclear industry and the Western economies as a whole."

The United States Deparment of Energy has asked people to be patient, stating that the Tepco reports will become available as soon as they are within normal radiation levels, assuming a half-life of 36 years. They are expected to allow unfettered access to the documents by March 2358.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Merkel-Sarkozy sex tape surfaces

Future of Eurozone at risk after leak of raunchy footage

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale


Markets trembled Tuesday after footage surfaced showing German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Nicolas Sarkozy engaged in lewd acts. Investors, politicians and citizens the world over were nervously awaiting public statements from European governments for official comment on the sex tape, which was leaked on the Internet.

The kinky acts were apparently filmed after the latest European Union summit, where Merkel and Sarkozy had previously promised to "fix everything by next Wednesday."

Instead of concentrating on solving the debt crisis, providing liquidity to European organizations and redirecting social policy, it was revealed to the La Rochelle Times, the leaders instead preferred to fornicate wildly in front of the camera.

"They probably just thought it was more fun that way," said an anonymous French source from Bureau 293 of the Quai d'Orsay. "Obviously this footage should not have been released."

The couple, sometimes referred to casually as "Merkozy," has spent countless hours together trying to hammer out a solution to the Eurozone debt crisis. The leaked sex tape could not come at a worse time for the French leader, who has recently once again taken a back seat to cancer in the popularity ratings, after having ordered France to surrender to the obvious.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

France surrenders to obvious

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


In a surprise diplomatic move late Thursday, the nation of France surrendered to the obvious, marking one more humiliating defeat for the old, battered country. The late-afternoon communiqué from the Quai d'Orsay, heavily laden with nuance and double-entendre, read as follows:

"We are so tired. Finally, after all these years, we can go on no longer. It is so obvious now, that we must surrender to it. Vive l'évidence, vive la France!"

Political commentators the world over were quick to jump on the surprise announcement.

FOX New's Hugh Briss said:

"This is so typical of the French, always surrendering. No one has a monopoly on white flags when it comes to the obvious. Who do they think they are? Do they think they're better than us or something? I don't get it."

MSNBCBS's Jess Furgidett commented:

"This is so typical of the French, always surrendering. I mean, like, nobody has got like a, you know, who farted and made France the king of board games? I don't get it."

The La Rochelle Time's Ben Lernen opined:

"It has been obvious for quite some time, but it takes real courage to admit it. I applaud the French today for what they have done. Whether it be losing their AAA credit rating, or giving tax breaks to citizens who rat on their neighbors, or just generally feeling superior in a non-chalant, passive-aggressive sort of way, I think a truly important threshold has been crossed here today."

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Point-Counterpoint: Pets

Feline advocate: Cats are the best companions

You already know that cats are the best friends man can have. I don't have to remind you, but just in case you had forgotten I've just reminded you again. Now that you understand that, feel free to reflect on it. In the meantime, I will continue to feel superior to everyone and everything around you.

Let's take a moment to observe the surroundings while checking for any sign of movement. If anything moves, go find out what it is and if it keeps moving, kill it immediately. While it's dying make sure you take full advantage of its suffering and pain by tearing through its flesh several times with your teeth, then take your hand and swat it a couple times to make sure it's dead. Feel free to repeat this anytime you are hungry, bored, or angry.

Canine enthusiast: Dogs are the best companions

You are awesome! I love you so much! Wow! I'm just so excited that you're reading this! Is there anything else I can do to get your attention? Can I knock something over for you? Can I eat something? Maybe make some loud noises indicating some sort of danger approaching? Hey! Keep looking at me! I'm right here! Do you want me to go over there? Can I go get that thing and bring it back to you? Have I mentioned how much I love you? I'm so excited! Wow! All of the sudden I'm feeling sort of tired. Can we continue this later? I need a nap.

Whew, I sure needed that. Hey, you know what? You are awesome! I love you so much! Wow! I'm just so excited that you're reading this! Is there anything else I can do to get your attention? Can I knock something over for you? Can I eat something? Maybe make some loud noises indicating some sort of danger approaching? Hey! Keep looking at me! I'm right here! Do you want me to go over there? Can I go get that thing and bring it back to you? Have I mentioned how much I love you? I'm so excited! Wow! All of the sudden I'm feeling sort of tired. Can we continue this later? I need a nap.

Friday, October 21, 2011

World leaders: Everything will be fixed next Wednesday

'Just wait a few more days' say Heads of State

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale


World leaders who gathered for an emergency summit on Thursday announced at a press conference this afternoon that they intended to fix everything next Wednesday. The growing list of financial, political, social and environmental problems around the world will be taken care of "in a few more days," they said, but they asked people to "be patient" and not expect anything too exciting this weekend.

"We urge people to remain calm and allow more time," said French Foreign Minister Destin Toulouse. "Next Wednesday we will find the solutions necessary, so by Thursday everyone can have the day off. Just wait a few more days please. And don't break the statues."

Despite the growing unrest apparent in Greek riots and the Occupy Wall Street movement in the United States, leaders have remained calm by insisting that next Wednesday will provide the solution to the multitude of seemingly-impossible problems that have so far proved daunting for individual governments.

When La Rochelle Times reporters pressed for more details they were quickly rounded up and whisked away to an undisclosed location. Authorities have released a statement explaining that they also intend to find a solution to the journalists' situation next Wednesday.