"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand the idea of subatomic particles that make up the basic building blocks of quantum mechanics underlying the innate vibrational nature of matter itself."

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

America to build moat

Candice Maistaille
Foreign News Correspondant


From the Onion News Network

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

French auto industry welcomes Sarkozy win

'We're going to have to replace a lot of vehicles,' say automakers

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


After the triumpant and glorious victory of Nicolas Sarkozy over the French electorate on Sunday, when the newly elected head of state received 129% of the popular vote, automobile makers celebrated the continued governance of the conservative right. Congratulating Mister Sarkozy for his well-run campaign against the other less-qualified candidates, the presidents of Renault, Citroën and Peugeot have annonced they will continue to support conservative politics in France, in order to create a greater demand for new vehicles.

"On average, every day in France there are three hundred cars that are burned," explained François-François François, a spokesman for Renault. "With Mister Sarkozy coming to power, we hope that we can double or even triple this number. People in France will have to buy more and more cars to replace the burned out ones, and this will quickly improve our profit margins."

The directors of several French automobile companies will soon hold a meeting with the new government in order to formulate new political measures and stimulate economic growth. They hope to develop plans to bring about more violence in troubled neighborhoods and sensitive areas, in order to rapidly increase the demand for new vehicles that will be produced cheaply in Eastern Europe. Citizens will be encouraged to replace their destroyed vehicles with new ones at three times their actual retail value in order to help improve the French economy.

"This is a new plan which goes perfectly with the ideologies of Mister Sarkozy," commented Destin Toulouse, a member of Peugeot's Board of Directors. "By creating some more misery in the poor areas, we create more violence, and a lot more cars will go up in flames. With the new strikes we're expecting, public transport will be at a standstill. So, out of necessity, people will have to buy new cars on credit, and that will prop up the banks, the automotive industry, and even the justice system. The Socialists could never have given us such an opportunity."

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Sarkozy wins French election with 129% of the vote

'We believe the results are completely trustworthy,' says Interior Ministry

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Conservative presidential candidate Nicolas Sarkozy easily won the second round of the French elections Sunday, taking in a whopping 129% of the popular vote, sources reported to the La Rochelle Times. Socialist candidate Ségolène Royal received a mere -29%. The vote tally was based on a new computer system set up by the Interior Ministry, which used an experimental calculation method. In socialist-leaning neighborhoods, as well as areas with high percentage of government employees, all recorded tallies gave two votes per person to Nicolas Sarkozy, and negative one to Ségolène Royal. In more "normal" communities, with a white majority of households who earn more than forty thousand Euros annually, each vote was counted only three times in favor of Mister Sarkozy. According to the Interior Ministry, the new system "worked quite well" and "the result is very reliable, if perhaps somewhat audacious," explained Anne Equedotte, a spokeswoman for French polling places. "There's really no reason to doubt the results," she added. "We believe they are completely trustworthy."

France celebrates its new President elected by a supermajority

Throughout France people welcomed the results and began looking forward to the new "Sarkozy era."

"It's awesome that Sarkozy is President," said a young man from a poor neighborhood in Nantes. "I mean I've had enough of going to school and all that, and now I'll have it easy in prison. I won't have to take care of my family and my neighbors and all that bullshit. It's going to be fucking great!"

In Bercy there was a similar mood. "Hell yeah, it's awesome that Mister Sarkozy got elected!" explained a student from Paris' prestigious Ecole de Sciences Politiques. "I'm happy that we French had the sensibility to elect a new President by an absolute supermajority, who won't be afraid to reform everything to be more like the United States. It's about time! I'm so fucking happy about the results! And I think every French person should be obliged to think the same way, because there's absolutely no reason to doubt the voting results."

The new President-elect was expected late in the evening for a speech in Paris. Most of the electorate that voted in Socialist-leaning communities were ready to leave as early as tomorrow for new re-education camps, where they would learn how to respect their new President and render service unto the Republic under his new leadership.

The highly reputed La Rochelle Times will keep readers informed of this story as it develops.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Conservative French presidential candidate kills four, injures ten during televised debate

French media declares 'distinguished victory' for far-right candidate after two-hour debate marked by long sentences, four murders

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale


During the televised presidential debate yesterday evening between the two French presidential candidates, who face a runoff election on Sunday, conservative nominee Nicolas Sarkozy opened fire on the audience in mid-debate, killing four people and wounding ten others. The outburst of violence was caused primarily by the persistent, aggressive questioning of the Socialist candidate, Ségolène Royal. Thrown off and flustered after having been caught in flagrant lies and disinformation, the Union pour un mouvement populaire (UMP) conservative party candidate took out an automatic weapon and began firing into the crowd. Security forces intervened to evacuate the remaining participants, before Mr. Sarkozy was allowed to continue speaking and resume the debate.

After the incident French media highlighted "the power and the conviction" of Mister Sarkozy, declaring that his violent acts were largely the "key event" of the debate which could ultimately give way to a "moral and just presidency" if Sarkozy wins the presidential election on Sunday. UMP supporters also applauded Sarkozy's actions, explaining that the "power of his personality" was obvious when he made the decision to use deadly force against innocent people.

"This only shows us what we've already seen throughout the entire campaign," explained Anne Equedotte, a UMP supporter. "Now no one can have any doubts about the power and the convictions of Mister Sarkozy, and I hope that the people will remember this when they cast their votes on Sunday. I'd like to remind my fellow French citizens that if Sarkozy isn't elected, we might have a lot more debates like this that will allow us to demonstrate our convictions, as we saw yesterday evening."

The Socialist candidate responded to the violence with long, precise sentences and complicated ideas, which seemingly did not interest the television audience. According to analysts, the Socialist candidate was "way too into her thoughts and not enough into entertaining the audience," which could hurt her chances Sunday.

"In a sense Mrs. Royal knows how to debate, but Mr. Sarkozy gained a net advantage when he took out his weapon and shot the audience members. Decidedly, Mrs. Royal doesn't have the same strong conviction that the UMP candidate does, and thus she lost the debate to the right-wing candidate," commented Destin Toulouse, journalist for the French newspaper Le Figaro.