THE LA ROCHELLE TIMES

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand the idea of subatomic particles that make up the basic building blocks of quantum mechanics underlying the innate vibrational nature of matter itself."

Thursday, December 15, 2011

France surrenders to obvious

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PARIS, FRANCE

In a surprise diplomatic move late Thursday, the nation of France surrendered to the obvious, marking one more humiliating defeat for the old, battered country. The late-afternoon communiqué from the Quai d'Orsay, heavily laden with nuance and double-entendre, read as follows:

"We are so tired. Finally, after all these years, we can go on no longer. It is so obvious now, that we must surrender to it. Vive l'évidence, vive la France!"

Political commentators the world over were quick to jump on the surprise announcement.

FOX New's Hugh Briss said:

"This is so typical of the French, always surrendering. No one has a monopoly on white flags when it comes to the obvious. Who do they think they are? Do they think they're better than us or something? I don't get it."

MSNBCBS's Jess Furgidett commented:

"This is so typical of the French, always surrendering. I mean, like, nobody has got like a, you know, who farted and made France the king of board games? I don't get it."

The La Rochelle Time's Ben Lernen opined:

"It has been obvious for quite some time, but it takes real courage to admit it. I applaud the French today for what they have done. Whether it be losing their AAA credit rating, or giving tax breaks to citizens who rat on their neighbors, or just generally feeling superior in a non-chalant, passive-aggressive sort of way, I think a truly important threshold has been crossed here today."

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Point-Counterpoint: Pets

Feline advocate: Cats are the best companions

You already know that cats are the best friends man can have. I don't have to remind you, but just in case you had forgotten I've just reminded you again. Now that you understand that, feel free to reflect on it. In the meantime, I will continue to feel superior to everyone and everything around you.

Let's take a moment to observe the surroundings while checking for any sign of movement. If anything moves, go find out what it is and if it keeps moving, kill it immediately. While it's dying make sure you take full advantage of its suffering and pain by tearing through its flesh several times with your teeth, then take your hand and swat it a couple times to make sure it's dead. Feel free to repeat this anytime you are hungry, bored, or angry.


Canine enthusiast: Dogs are the best companions

You are awesome! I love you so much! Wow! I'm just so excited that you're reading this! Is there anything else I can do to get your attention? Can I knock something over for you? Can I eat something? Maybe make some loud noises indicating some sort of danger approaching? Hey! Keep looking at me! I'm right here! Do you want me to go over there? Can I go get that thing and bring it back to you? Have I mentioned how much I love you? I'm so excited! Wow! All of the sudden I'm feeling sort of tired. Can we continue this later? I need a nap.

Whew, I sure needed that. Hey, you know what? You are awesome! I love you so much! Wow! I'm just so excited that you're reading this! Is there anything else I can do to get your attention? Can I knock something over for you? Can I eat something? Maybe make some loud noises indicating some sort of danger approaching? Hey! Keep looking at me! I'm right here! Do you want me to go over there? Can I go get that thing and bring it back to you? Have I mentioned how much I love you? I'm so excited! Wow! All of the sudden I'm feeling sort of tired. Can we continue this later? I need a nap.