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Friday, July 8, 2011

TSA agent accidentally impregnates passenger

Conception result of checkpoint error, says supervisor

Amanda Scorne
La Lune de la presse internationale


In a prepared statement to the La Rochelle Times late Wednesday, the Transportation Shame Agency (TSA) denied all wrongdoing in the unfortunate accidental impregnation of a nubile female passenger last Friday. The buxom, twenty-something brunette, described by friends and relatives as "above-average" and "hot," was found to be pregnant upon arrival at LAX after having passed through TSA screening in Atlanta.

After suspecting that the routine screening and vaginal penetration at TSA security checkpoint at Hartfield-Jackson International Airport could have led to her impregnation, the woman visited a medical facility to undergo testing. Analysis confirmed that TSA sperm was in fact used to impregnante her, according to several sources.

"This is really a ... misunderstanding," explained TSA regional supervisor Kirsten Swore. "The public needs to realize that no TSA agent would intentionally impregnate a passenger. Obviously this was a case where ... some ... sperm got loose. Unfortunately it found its way into an unsuspecting passenger. These things happen, so people just need to be ... patient, form a clear line, remove any shoes or undergarments, and allow an extra thirty to sixty minutes before their ... departure."

Numerous agents have told the La Rochelle Times that passengers need not worry about occasional impregnations at security checkpoints.

"We have to keep America safe," said Memphis agent Felix Cited. "If that means having to impregnate a few people from time to time, then I guess that's something Americans are just going to have to accept."

Civil Liberties and Women's Rights groups have cried foul, declaring that TSA impregnations are unfairly aimed at women.

"We need to ensure all genders of Americans are being impregnanted equally," said ALCU coordinator Stan Dalone. "TSA agents these days feel that they can target certain groups, but they need to think twice about their actions."

Legislation currently being proposed in Texas would bar TSA agents from penetrating most passengers unless absolutely warranted. Federal authorities, however, have threatened to cancel all flights to Texas if the bill passes, despite the fact that many regions of Texas remain totally uninteresting to most travellers.

Moreover, the TSA has said, passengers should take into account that free cancer screenings are being offered with every body scan.

"Texans need to understand that their security is nearly as important as other Americans', and almost five times as important as that of people from other countries, particularly Mexico," commented Swore. "Think of it as a tiered system. One American life is worth about two Texans at current rates, or about 5.4 foreigers, so our work is clearly cut out for us."

The nubile young woman has not yet said whether she wishes to press charges. The La Rochelle Times will continue to follow the foetus as it develops.