Bankrupt states to pay unemployment benefits by adding Facebook friends

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

SANTA NO EXISTO, CALIFORNIA

States on the brink of bankruptcy announced early Monday that they have no choice but to turn to Facebook in order to meet unemployment benefit payments, sources reported to the La Rochelle Times.

According to the announcement, states will begin doling out benefits by sending friend requests to the unemployed. Profiles of state legislators, governors, mayors and other civil servants will be used in order to bolster Facebook users' friend statuses, as well as improve their social standing among their peers. As an added bonus, states will be able to keep track of the unemployed through "real-time network observation."

For every $100 in unemployment benefits, a person will receive one free Facebook friend. As long as the person remains on unemployment the Facebook friend will not unfriend him, no matter how many nasty, snide or off-color comments are made on his profile.

"This is the price of paying with Facebook," said one state unemployment office worker, Evan Moore. "We're thinking of offering stock options as well."