"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand the idea of subatomic particles that make up the basic building blocks of quantum mechanics underlying the innate vibrational nature of matter itself."

Friday, September 21, 2007

Disgruntled employee can't wait until manager checks e-mail

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Local fastfood restaurant employe Tara Buhl has become so disgruntled with upper level management that she has reportedly e-mailed pornographic pictures to her superiors in an elaborate attempt at insider blackmail that is destined to fail, sources reported to the La Rochelle Times on Friday. The bitter, caustic worker, who has worked increasingly longer hours at minimum wage for over six years, has "finally had enough of this bullshit job," it was learned early this morning.

In a fit of rage and vengeance, the grudge-bearing wage-earner gathered an assorted and offensive collection of photographs from a well-researched cross-section of pornographic Internet sites. The compilation, which will appear instantly on the screens of her higher-ups via e-mail, contains "an unbelievable amount of offensive erotic and fetish material," said Buhl. "I even sent them the links to the sites if they want to look at some more."

Buhl expects to lure some upper managment into consulting her pornographic references; then, upon employment termination, she will accuse random higher-ups of sexual harassment, abuse and exploitation. In so doing, Buhl is hoping for a protracted court case and legal settlement that would provide "tens of billions of dollars" for her and her family. Buhl's lawyer, Cheri Pikker, insisted that the record of abuse from higher-ups "will soon be well documented and easily provable through compromising digital extortion techniques. We may even ask the NSA for help on this. As a result we expect a large settlement and compensation package."

Inside sources have also reported that upper-management is aware of the plot and taking steps to avoid falling into any "porn traps" set up by "low-level peons" who "don't seem to understand their place in the company." The sources, who have asked to remain anonymous, said the "blackmail Internet porn scheme is ultimately destined to fail."

Regardless of the outcome, Buhl was excited after sending the pornographic links to her superiors. "I can't wait until they come in on Monday and check their messages," explained Buhl yesterday evening. "They'll never expect it with the subject line I used: 'Re: New delivery guidelines.' The look on their faces will be priceless."

Friday, September 7, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith bored with afterlife


'This is totally lame,' declares dead supermodel during ouiji session with reporters

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Deceased supermodel Anna Nicole Smith made headlines again Friday as she announced from her temporary position in Purgatory that she was "completely bored" with the afterlife and that her experience after death was "totally lame." Since dying unexpectedly on February 8, 2007, the former celebrity has become disappointed with her experiences after passing on from her earthly life.

"This really sucks cause I can't get any prescriptions here," Smith told reporters telepathically early Friday morning.

Through a prolonged ouiji session with reporters Smith was able to communicate her complete and total dissatisfaction with "this stupid out of body experience." The former supermodel explained that she was happier on Earth under the influence of a cocktail of prescription medications that made her feel like she was "walking on clouds in heaven," and that her prolonged wait in Purgatory has been a sobering detoxification period in her eternal afterlife.

"I'm like SO bored here," Smith continued. "I mean, it's sort of cool to have complete wisdom and understanding of the universe with the possibility of infinite extradimensional existence, but, like, whatever, it's not the same as being on all the news networks and having my own personal pharmacy."