"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand the idea of subatomic particles that make up the basic building blocks of quantum mechanics underlying the innate vibrational nature of matter itself."

Monday, January 29, 2007

Cat disobeys order to 'fetch'


Refusal could have consequences at meal time

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Cat owner Selma Kahr was disappointed Monday morning when local cat Tinkers disobeyed a direct order to fetch, contradicting years of methodical training and preparing for just such a moment. Tinkers, sometimes refered to as "Tink," has long been practicing the pursuit and retrieval of small objects such as plastic bottle caps.

However the grueling training came to an abrupt halt when Mrs. Kahr threw an object, and followed with a clear and distinct order to "go fetch." Tinkers showed no emotion as he blatantly exceeded the authority of his owner, yet remained stationary and refused to engage in the retrieval exercise. Direct eye contact was not broken for nearly twenty seconds after the incident, thus adding to the trauma.

Shortly thereafter, Mrs Kahr was bedeviled by guilt and frustration.

"I just don't understand why he refused to do it," explained an emotional Mrs. Kahr on Monday afternoon. "He's been so good at it lately. I throw the bottle cap, he goes and gets it and brings it back. Sometimes he even meows to get me to play. But today it's like he forgot everything."

It is unknown at this time whether the refusal to obey direct orders will result in mealtime consequences for Tinkers. Sanctions could include a reduction of alotted chow or elimination of secondary treats such as small amounts of whipped cream or tunafish. Analysts have also remained skeptical as to whether this could be part of a larger movement among felines in the neighborhood. The incident complicates Mrs. Kahr's misfortunes, after the "Proud to be an American" sticker started fading off her mailbox last July.

Stay tuned to the 24-hour cable networks for late-breaking updates on this important story. The La Rochelle Times will also continue to dedicate most of its resources to this pressing national tragedy.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

0.0003% of America turns out to protest war

Protest too pathetic to be of any importance whatsoever

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Liberals, conspiracy theorists and leftist bloggers have fueled claims recently that America is "turning against the war" on the two fronts in Eurasia, while the Leader has faced resistance lately to his new Three Year Plan. The initiative includes sending 21,000 more troops and a surge in 'Support Our Troops' bumper stickers. Yesterday protesters descended on Washington to voice their opposition to the war and the Leader's policies.

However, the 100,000 protesters represented a mere 0.0003% of the population of the United States, estimated at 300,000,000. Therefore, the protest was considered an abject failure and a complete waste of time, as it takes its place among other protests that were completely ineffective.

Political analysts and pundits were beside themselves with laughter after the paltry and pathetic turnout. On the highly accredited Fox and Fiends, commentator Jack Kass expressed his amusement at the "ridiculous anti-war movement," stating "they could only muster three ten-thousandths of a percent of the population" to support their cause. "They should just shoot themselves in the head," Kass added.

War protesters stated that the rally was a huge success, and that the media had underreported partipcation.

"The media doesn't like to report on anything that goes against the Leader and the establishment," said demonstrator Neil Downe. "They prefer to say that people like us should just go away, and they play with the numbers, instead of actually asking why people are protesting in the first place."

Cable news stations were expected to move on quickly to other, more pressing topics, such as abductions or rapes of minors that were expected to take place in the coming days. The horribly insignificant turnout at the anti-war protest may affect future demonstrations that show opposition to the glorious Leader and his plan for victory in Eurasia. Nevertheless, the 99.9997% of the population that did not participate is urged to show support by buying more Victory Coffee and engaging in joythink about the state of the Union.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Republicans choose Guantanamo for 2008 Presidential Convention

Detention facilities to welcome delegates, convicted

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale


The Republican party has recently announced its decision to hold its 2008 convention at the prison facilities in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, currently being used to detain terror suspects. The unexpected choice of location beat out other contenders such as Chicago, Phoenix and Houston.

In a press conference Thursday afternoon, GOP spokesman Hal Atosis announced the decision handed down by senior Republican party members, including the Leader himself. "It has been decided that the 2008 convention will be held at Guantanamo Bay, in order to show our support for the War on Terror, as well as accomodate any Republican delegates who might also be serving time concurrently."

Indeed, the decision has been described as "brilliant" and "visionary" by cable news pundits such as Bill O'Reilly. The decision to use the Guantanamo facility "provides a boost to the Republicans strong anti-terror stance, and will provide lodging for all the incarcerated Republican lawmakers who are in federal detention facilities," said Republican activist Stew Pidasse. "We thought this might be an ideal situation, as the speakers could address both delegates and inmates at the same time."

However, the Guantanamo facility has recently come under fire from those who would like the terrorists to win against the United States. Some Democrats and members of the American Civil Liberties Union (ALCU) have denounced the facilities, saying that there is no reason terror suspects cannot be dealt with in the American judicial system. Moreover, they claim, the Leader has purposely created the Guantanamo facility in order to operate outside US jurisdiction, thus allowing torture, forced confessions, military tribunals and executions without proper oversight.

"Rubbish," said Pidasse. "These guys are terrorists, and you're telling me we have to use the same standard of justice as any American is supposed to have? Don't you realize these guys are dangerous terrorists? They are lucky they are even getting such good treatment to begin with. And our 2008 Guantanamo Convention will enlighten all these pro-Islamic factions, like the ACLU and the Democrats, who continue to cheer the terrorists on."

Frontrunners for the 2008 Republican nomination include John McCain (R-AZ), a Vietnam war veteran who was held in a Vietnamese prison camp for five years. He has recently announced his support for escalation of the Iraq conflict, and supports a wider effort on the two fronts in Eurasia. Others include former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani, who was widely commended for overseeing the demolition of the World Trade Center, but has been plagued by sex scandals involving his personal relationships. Both are expected to annouce a continuing Three Year Plan that will mirror that of the current Leader.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Al-Asteroid determined to strike the US

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale


Within the next 2,300 years a large, icy breakaway space rock, designated Al-Asteroid 2001, could strike the United States, sources inside NASA reported on Tuesday. The object follows an eccentric, eliptical orbit around the Sun, which crosses Earth's path every 392 years. Approximately two kilometers wide, the object could inflict unprecedented death and destruction on the United States mainland if allowed to continue along its current path.

Scientists have recently commented that Al-Asteroid intends to hit the United States. Such alarming reports have been sent as high as the White House, with inside sources stating a Presidential Daily Brief entitled "Al-Asteroid determined to strike within the US" has recently been sent to the Oval Office.

Since official reports of Al-Asteroid's activity have been classified, little is known publicly about what may happen sometime from the mid-23rd to late-44th centuries. However, initial media reports indicate that it is not a matter of "if" Al-Asteroid strikes, but "when."

"We know we're going to get hit," said NASA astronomer Paul Bearer. "We just don't know exactly when. But it's going to be bad. Even if we try to stop it, and believe me we'll try, we will in all probability fail. There's no stopping Al-Asteroid: it's determined to destroy America."

Some skeptics have downplayed the news, stating that such an event, despite the best computer models, still remains uncertain.

"We can't really be one hundred percent sure that Al-Asteroid will hit the United States," said Xavier Selph from Scientists United for Knowledge, Mediation and Evolution (SUKME). "Saying such things just encourages people to accept this as an eventuality, when in fact there are many other, more important astronomical threats that will emerge before Al-Asteroid may strike. And if you take in other factors, such as global warming, the time scale of this event seems to be rather exaggerated."

Contrary to SUKME, which is funded by individual donors, there are few government-funded scientists or academics who have dared give comfort to the orbital object. Indeed, many government-funded researchers have concluded that Al-Asteroid poses an "immediate and pressing threat" to the United States in the coming millennia. SUKME, however, has suggested that such a "dire hypothesis" has no "basis in merit or reason," in calling attention to the "inevitable destruction of humanity" through the "bogus hype of random chance."

NASA countered the accusations of threat exaggeration by urging Americans not to panic, but reminding citizens nonetheless to stock up on basic foodstuffs and munitions. "If we keep our heads about us, and temper our anticipation of this eventuality through abject fear-based consumerism, we should all be just fine," said Bearer, giving the bad news a positive tone of hope in the face of unavoidable destruction from Al-Asteroid.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Point-Counterpoint: Government Policy

Defense contractor: "Across the globe, we need to address emerging threats to America"

Ray Gunn

Weapons Systems Analyst for Lockheed Martin

Everywhere in the world today they are plotting to kill you. Not me. Not him. YOU. And they won't stop until you're dead. They're called terrorists. Dissenters. Democrats. Call them what you like, but they're all around us.

That's why today, as we defecate on ourselves with fear, and try to reason with our bellythink, we need America to address the threats to its beautiful shores by taking action unilaterally across the globe. From Austria to Australia, New Brunswick to New Zealand, we need to pulverize those who dare plot against freedom.

Our Leader has told us that we need to expect to be hit again. We know he's trying to stop it, but we know it will happen again anyway because the terroristic attitude will make them hate us even if we do nothing. Even our Leader might not be good enough to stop them, because they're crafty. And even if he's the best and the smartest, they only have to be right once. That's why we need the laws to spy on everyone, but I'm sure they'll still succeed at getting us again anyway no matter how many laws we pass.

And that's why we need to flatten anyone who doesn't live within our lovely borders. Just wipe 'em out. And my job, every day, is to promote those weapon systems for America, so we can fight for our freedoms. And freedom doesn't matter if you're dead. Let's make a pact, America. Let's fight together for freedom there, so we don't have to fight them here.

Ecologist: "Across America, we need to address emerging threats to the globe"

Woody Forrest
Environmental activist

Everywhere in America today we are killing the planet. Not just our country, and not just theirs. Everyone's planet! And since America is the largest polluter, the largest producer of arms, and the largest consumer of fossil fuels, we need to change our own habits so that the rest of the world will follow our example.

We could start by changing the way we build our cities. Massive sprawling suburban wasteland stretches out for miles, while costly highways and infrastructure must be built to transport populations that are increasingly isolated. By promoting mass transit, energy-efficiency and green, renewable energy, we can transform some of these pollution pits into environmental petri dishes!

A lot of naysayers would have you think that the biggest threat is a boogeyman who's going to come and destroy some skyscrapers in the night. They want you to think that you'll wake up one morning and have to watch tall buildings burn and fall ad nauseum, so that they will justify more wars and the gutting of the treasury. But the real threat is what we put in the atmosphere every day: our thousands of tons of CO² emissions that are causing the Greenland glaciers to retreat by several miles a year. And terrorism isn't going to matter much if we fry the atmosphere. So I say, it's time for America to wake up and change its habits to address the threats to our globe right here at home.

Defense contractor rebuttal*

What you just spouted was just a bunch of liberal, far-left bullshit. Everyone knows it. Global warming isn't real and if you believe in that you probably believe in UFOs and think the Moon landing was fake. Now decide for yourself: are you ready to fight for America? Or are you with the terrorists?

*The Defense contractor rebuttal is required by Section 24 Article 7 of the Fairness Doctrine Initiative (2001), from a sub-clause of the USA Patriot Act, which stipulates that government defense contractors shall always be accorded over-representation in public debate.

Previous Point-Counterpoint: Culture Wars

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Bill O'Reilly releases new book


Candice Maistaille
La revue politique internationale

FOX News pundit Bill O'Reilly has released another book, detailing his side of a longstanding sexual harrassment lawsuit that undermines the dignity of the famous television personality. After years of being the victim of spurious attacks, lawsuits, name-calling and chastising, O'Reilly has finally decided to counter critics that call attention to his hypocritical and cowardly actions.

In a hard-hitting, irrefutably irrelevant diatribe of long-winded defensive essays, O'Reilly outlines why he feels he is only a patsy in the bigger game of television opinion-based news punditry. His paltry vocabulary and lackluster logic skills combine with a monotonous writing style that is sure to entertain any loyal FOX news viewer. Moreover, the sexual scandals are sure to fascinate any captivated readers by appealing to base reptilian instincts and emotional, reactionary responses.

"Well, Andrea Mackris, you accuse me of improper sexual conduct. How dare you aide the terrorists in their fight against our freedoms," one of the passages in the Second Chapter, Harrassment versus Treason, explains. "Obviously you haven't learned the lessons of September the eleventh. We didn't ask the terrorists to attack us, but they did anyway. And your allegations against me only serve to help their cause. By accusing me of sexual harrassment, Ms. Mackris, you are simply committing treason, and for that you should be punished."

O'Reilly reaches a general untenable thesis that supports execution of anyone who brings "spurious sexual harrassment litigation." He contends that such judgements should be reached through secret military tribunals, where sexual allegations would give way to mandatory death sentences to be carried out by American military and/or FOX news execution squads. O'Reilly argues that "swift justice" will ensure "protection from future September the elevenths," as well as the safeguard of our "freedoms and liberties here at home."

Without doubt, O'Reilly has launched a successful new addition to his already impressive line-up of fictional political works. The Vibrator Zone is sure to resonate with lonely readers across the nation, causing a buzz among FOX news loyalists and ensuring O'Reilly's place on the nation's punditry pedestal for weeks to come.

Also from Candice Maistaille: Sean Hannity: Deliver Us From Truth

Friday, January 19, 2007

Barack Obama sentenced to 24 years for molestation

Senator to begin serving time within weeks

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Illinois Senator Barack Obama was sentenced Tuesday to the maximum of 24 years after he was convicted of molesting two of his former students, KMSP news in Minneapolis reported. A local news program broke the surprising story, which had thus far not been reported in the media.

After an apparently fair trial, Circuit Court Judge Jay L. Selle sentenced Obama for "the horrid and lewd acts" that occurred between the disgraced Senator and his unnamed victims. Cable news networks were expected to be abuzz with the titillating, juicy details of his sexual escapades.

Some have suggested Obama's recent posturing for the 2008 Presidential race has simply been cover for the shameful charges that were brought against him. If the conviction is not overturned upon appeal, the Senator will have to begin serving time in a federal detention facility along with his ephebophile Republican counterparts. Disgraced Representative Randy "Duke" Cunningham commented that "it is our ironic destiny to forge a strong spirit of bi-partisanship during our incarceration in federal prison."

Many voters remained ambivalent after the news, stating that the charges simply reflected a pattern in Washington circles, well established since the Reagan administration, and exacerbated by the recent Foley scandals.

"Every administration has some sort of sexual scandal, it just is a matter of what their personal preferences are. Jeff Gannon, Monica Lewinsky, the Vienna Boys' Choir, eventually it all gets made public and these guys get tried in the media whether they're guilty or not," said local voter Tess Timowny.

The conviction for molestation is expected to put a damper on Obama's bid for the Democratic nomination in the 2008 Presidential race. Historically speaking, candidates convicted of molestation have not generally won favor in political circles, unless they have been part of a larger, underground group of secret investors in the oil and arms industries. The La Rochelle Times will continue to follow this story as it is analyzed by experts from the 24-hour news networks.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Classical music concert turns violent

Four dead, fifteen wounded in brawl after intra-symphony tensions erupt

Anne Allisiss
La Lune de la presse internationale


What transpired at the Alfred P. Murrow Orchestra Hall yesterday was a reminder of what concert violence can do to normally good-willed people. In a surprise eruption of mayhem at an otherwise peaceful classical music concert, the Plain Bluff Heights Prairie wind and string ensemble of approximately 70 players turned into a horrid yet fascinating spectacle of musician-on-musician violence. After Orchestra Hall security intervened to calm the brawl four musicians were dead, and fifteen were severly injured. Medical professionals and surgeons were called in to dislodge various instrument fragments from some of the victims.

The classical music brawl is part of a growing trend of across-the-board concert violence, which showed a 27% increase in 2006. Could there be a correlation between performing music and inflicting horrible human suffering? Most scientists have thus far downplayed any such link. However, after listening to certain types of music, often of the metalhead or acid rock variety, extended human misery can sometimes be observed. In this instance, classical music somehow provided the trigger catalyst to set in motion a series of violent actions.

Some have speculated that audience members, upset with the humdrum score and monotonous, mid-to-late-sixteenth-century harmonies of the wind ensemble, provoked the musicians through subtle taunts and awkwardly-timed applause. If this were the case, it would be more difficult to tie such actions directly to the music, instead of audience-performer interaction. Others have faulted tensions within the orchestra due to personal relationships among its members.

This latest incident simply exacerbates the need for closer scrutiny and security at high-risk classical music events. Future events should ideally include metal detectors, bomb-sniffing dogs and a minimum of two police helicopter gunships. As part of a new campaign to strengthen the Department of Fatherland Security, Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) has suggested legislation that would mandate such precautions at future classical concerts. The bill, HR 2012, will be up for House vote in the coming weeks.

By cellist Scott Free

Shit got outta hand today down at the classical music hall. Man, those trombonists can throw some mean fists, let me tell you. But I never expected the violins AND the upright bass to rise up against the flutes so quickly. I mean, I know there's been a lot of tension lately, with the orchestra conductor banging that hot flutist and all. And then the fact that a bunch of the violinists have all this obvious sexual tension with the flutists. But that's no reason for outright violence.

I just tried my best to avoid the melee. Cause when that type of shit goes down, you'd best just drop your instrument, crouch behind your music stand, and hope for the best. After all, there's no stopping an angry wind ensemble brawl.

I'm not quite sure what set it off. I think the upright bassist intentionally went off key, and then the violinists must have taken that as a cue to forte, when they should really have crescendoed. I bet that pissed the flutes off something fierce, and with all that shit going on about the conductor, I bet it just blew up and ignited the whole orchestra in one rampaging orgy of bloodshed.

Before it was finished I saw instruments used in ways most people have never even imagined. No one was safe. I just hope that sometime, maybe in the distant future, a wind ensemble will be able to restore dignity to that tainted concert hall.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

New Orleans to become dry city by 2008

Prohibition proposed to quell post-Katrina problems

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


The City Council of New Orleans announced Wednesday that the city might become dry before 2008. Due to a soaring murder rate, general anarchy and widespread corruption, alcohol would be banned in city limits with one exception. Tourists from out of state would be allowed to purchase alcohol in certain districts of the historic French quarter, to encourage tourism. The move to become a dry district will coincide with actual drying of property flooded in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

"Prohibiting the consumption of alcohol in the city will allow New Orleans to experience a rejuvination of its spirit in the wake of hurricane Katrina," said City Hall spokesman Jay LeSelle. "We intend to introduce effective measures to curb continuing problems due to the near-destruction of the city, total breakdown of social services and government, and ensuing generalized urban warfare."

Opponents of the measure argue that it will simply drive the demand for alcohol underground, nourishing a black market in a city with struggling judicial oversight, a burdened court system and an often-youtubed police force. They suggest investing money in infrastructure and public transport, to reinvigorate neighborhoods that have had a population loss of 80% or more.

Moreover, some dissenters say, the federal government has done nothing to punish Cuba for its alledged involvement in the 2005 Hurricane disaster. With Fidel Castro on his deathbed, anti-prohibition activists say, now is the perfect time to engage in a military-coup type adventure to distract residents from the complete and total failure of public policy and government services.

"Making New Orleans a dry city shouldn't be a priority," said a local professional, Bart Ender. "We need to stick it to the people who did this to us, who brought us this horrible disaster. And that means attacking Cuba for its use of weather of mass destruction."

Some proponents of the "dry city" measure disagreed, however.

"This initiative will improve conditions here in the city," explained City Council spokesman Shaydee Marquette. "By creating a 'dry island' policy, where alchohol is off limits in dry areas of the city, we can reduce the violence, looting, murder, corruption, destruction and chaos that we're experiencing here in New Orleans."

The measure comes up for a vote in front of the City Council of New Orleans before the end of the month. If passed, it would take effect in January, 2008. The measure is expected to pass by a wide margin, given the deep financial and personal ties between Council members and underground trafficking groups that would benefit from just such a measure.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Antarctica legalizes gay penguin marriage

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Antarctica broke international ice today by announcing that it had legalized gay penguin marriage, after years of heated debate on the subject. Homosexual flightless birds around the world rejoiced at the news, while surely hoping other nations would give the status to their species as well. In a bold act of political courage, Antarctica's Spheniscidae Council overwhelmingly approved the measure by a 7-2 majority.

The two dissenters are holdovers from an older generation of the declining Aptenodytes patagonicus species. Otherwise known as "king penguins," members of this species have been notorious for their traditional patriarchal social models. It comes as no suprise, therefore, that their two delegates to the Spheniscidae Council opposed the gay marriage resolution.

The new rules affect gay penguin couples who for years have struggled to obtain egg-nesting rights equal to those of heterosexual "breeding" couples. Moreover, prime mating and nesting territory has been preferentially given to opposite-sex groups, while homosexual couples have been forced to use less favorable and often rugged terrain. The measure also affects underwater hunting pecking orders, which are critical when nesting to ensure proper nutrition of the young.

Antarctica became the first such country to legalize gay penguin marriage, although some breakaway groups in captivity, such as those who are currently being detained at the Central Park Zoo facility in New York, have been promoting awareness of the issue since 2004.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Point-Counterpoint: Culture Wars

American GI: "Iraqi towns all look the same"

Pat Roller
Currently deployed in Iraq

Everywhere I go with these convoys, all I see is the same thing. In every town, in every little corner of this smelly, god-foresaken country, I'm witness over and over to the same scenes. It reminds me of those old Jetsons episodes, where the background would just keep going by, over and over, on and on forever. And that is what I see in this neverending desert hell, is just more of the same.

When I was down in Fubar province, we stayed in al-Fubar for a few days, then we moved down through Nobar, then Al-Iwanis-ajob, and finally on to Wanadi. It was good to be with my platoon. We've grown close during this tour, which has lasted almost 18 months now. But I couldn't help noticing, again and again, that in all of those places, everything was the same: the burned out cars, the dead and rotten animal corpses, the destroyed buildings.

It's just so sad that these Iraqis are so behind the times. They don't have a lot of variety like we do in the States. Maybe in a few years, with the work we're doing here, and with the Leader's new Three Year Plan, we can start to bring some color back to this shit-tinted wasteland.

Iraqi immigrant: "American towns all look the same"

Izit Reel
Recently arrived in America

When I arrive in the US from my native Iraq eighteen months ago, I am glad to be away from the constant explosion and violence. My three children could be safe, go to school, and learn the American way. But one thing strike me quite hard when I arrive: every town look the same!

Whether I go to Springfield, or Shelbyville, or Motortown, it all look same. There's Starbucks over there, and Burger King, and Subway, and Wal-Mart, and BP gas station. Then next block, it repeat again. It remind me of the cartoon I used to see in Iraq when I was a boy, when we had peace. It was called Jetson. And when they travel, background always the same, repeating over and over. That's what I see in America. Sometimes I miss my native land, although I know I cannot go back because it is destroy.

There, before the bad times, we had many different towns. It was not the same in Baghdad, or Kirkuk, or Fallujah. Every place had something special, something different. Now, I must adapt to every city is the same in America. But I know I must sacrifice this culture and difference for my right to freedom here in beautiful USA.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Historians urged to ignore recent past

Society suggests "toning it down a notch"

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


The Society for the Heritage of Interational Traditional Scholars (SHITS) called on all American historians to ignore recent events on Monday, in order to preserve a more "circumspect and unifying view in writing about factual actuality." A press release from SHITS explained the move was intended to avoid "red-state, blue-state divides" while bringing about a bipartisan approach.

"We think historians who tackle difficult recent subjects, such as the end of the Cold War and the resulting power vacuum that caused terrorism, should use caution in their approach," said Greg Garius, a noted historian for SHITS. "Too much careful analysis could lead to theories which point fingers, and we are trying to reduce blame by promoting more of an 'incompetence' viewpoint."

Indeed, the recent emergence of new radical political technologies, such as the Internet, have fueled leaks and conspiracy theories in many countries. In the coming decades, historians will be troubled to sort through lengthy digital archives and weblogs, trying to discern truth from fiction. Some SHITS activists have been pushing for historians to discount "widespread disinformation" that can be found in "anti-democratic spheres," such as the Internet.

Garius co-authored a SHITS article due to appear in the February edition of The American Heritage Periodical Foundation Society for American Heritage Quarterly. In it he urges noted historians to give obfuscation the benefit of the doubt, and not to dig too deeply into supporting facts or details to develop more strengthened, tenable analyses. By simply "toning it down a notch," historians will be able to produce meaningless volumes of twisting sentences, with many interjected clauses, for years to come.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Congress to conduct hearing to decide which hearing to conduct

Legislators decide to act to decide to act

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Congressional Representatives announced late Wednesday they would soon be conducting a hearing to decide which hearings will be conducted. An oversight committee submitted the recommendation to a sub-hearing advisory panel, which then issued a memo alerting other sub-comittees. The violent bureaucratic outburst left four Representatives wounded, and several more dozen strewn about the halls of the Capitol.

The pandemonium added to a brisk day of work for the newly-convened Congress. Democratic leaders, busy with legislation to raise the minimum wage to 7 or more nachos an hour, have been struggling to keep up with the busy pace of business on Capitol Hill. "It's just nuts up here," said Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL). "Whew!"

Within days, lawmakers pledged to conduct a hearing to decide which hearing should be conducted. Tough questions will be asked about the hearing agenda, including the divisive issue of which Congressional meeting room to use, who will pay for catering service, and how Congressional pages will be supervised or punished if necessary.

La Rochelle Times bows to pressure from the Académie française

New French edition to open up dialogue with francophone militant extremists

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale


The highly reputed La Rochelle Times has succumbed to pressure from the conservative French establishment by announcing the debut of a new French language version of this journal. For more than a year, the brave journalists at this organisation have had to face intense pressure from deputies of the Académie française, a government backed group that fights against the imposition of foreign languages in France, with some Académie members going so far as to declare a "disparity in the valorization and causality of journalistic integrity."

The Académie's statements brought about action from internal labor factions here at journal headquarters in La Rochelle, which caused us to re-examine the issue closely. After long negotiations with union and government representatives, it was decided that the paper would be made accessible on an equal basis to a French-speaking audience.

As of today, the French site will be concurrent to the former English-only news site, which mainly tackles international news, with a special inclination towards the utopian American superpower. French readers, as well as English ones, are asked to pay particular attention to "super-security" topics, requiring a prolonged fight against nebulous networks, and the imposition of a strong police state to protect them during this difficult period. Please refrain from all critical comments or detracting arguments until such time as the armed conflict has ended, while also limiting harsh statements towards political personalities.

For those interested in the French version, we hope that you have a pleasant experience in reading the academically-correct French version of the La Rochelle Times.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

Berkeley Professor develops 'general conspiracy theory of relativity'

Fourth dimension 'face-time' explains complex interactions

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale


University of Berkeley Professor Howie Dedett has published what he dubbs a "conspiracy theory of relativity" that seeks to join many conspiracy theories into one unified hypothesis. "By the introduction of a fourth dimension, which I call 'face-time,' to represent key people and their interaction with the timeline, I have solved a number of complex problems," Dedett said on Tuesday.

Using the theory, it becomes much easier to explain events such as Pearl Harbor, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, the Moon Landing, Watergate, the Pentagon Papers, Princess Diana's death, and more recently, the September 11, 2001, terror attacks. Nevertheless, one of theory's major drawbacks is that average people can only see in three dimensions: in this case, motive, means and opportunity. As with any crime, these are the three major elements to consider when trying to solve it.

Prof Dedett, however, uses face-time to enhance the other dimensions, thereby giving plausibility and causality to a more unified theory. Due to information blindness and lack of concentration, most people are not able to envision the fourth dimension of face-time. But what exactly is it? Imagine two people making plans - thus a conspiracy. They have the motive, the means, and the opportunity. Later, at a different point in face-time, another event happens. The same people are involved, and due to the face-time continuum, they can be linked to both events.

He has published his methods in the January edition of The American Heritage Periodical Foundation Society for American Heritage Quarterly. However, Prof Dedett has not been forthcoming as to his input data to test his unified conspiracy theory of relativity. Many peer reviewers are eager to get a chance to analyze the control input values that will serve to bolster the hypothesis.

Some of the output values were surprising. With face-time input equations factored in: Cheney, Bush, Rumsfeld, Kissinger, North, Gates, Kristol, Feith and Wolfowitz were all common derivatives in the equation with the boundaries [1960] and [2005]. The findings will have to be peer-reviewed scientifially before the theory can be officially validated. Different boundaries of face-time will yield different results.

Moreover, Dedett discovered, behavior in face-time becomes unpredictable as one approaches the speed of flight - that at which conspirators flee and which is believed to be unsurpassable. Current calculations put the speed of flight at about 763 feet per second, or roughly the speed of a jumbo-jet. As one approaches flight speed, face-time becomes distorted and it is difficult to discern physical reality. Perceptions of surroundings become severely perturbed; for example, a conspirator fleeing at flight speed would view all other conspirators as fleeing at the same speed, regardless of their actual behavior.

The complexities of the theory are hoped ultimately to be lost in the mainstream press, in order to give way to superficial generalities that will promote the status quo. Even Professor Dedett acknowledged that the general public "just might not be ready to grasp the details of a conspiracy theory of relativity."

Monday, January 8, 2007

New iBubble lets users cut themselves off indefinitely

Apple takes lead in socio-isolation technology

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Consumers were excited on Monday to learn about the latest development from Apple laboratories which will soon be available for purchase on the retail market. The new, innovative iBubble will allow consumers to listen to music, initiate virtual dream sequences, upload the Internet directly to imbedded neuro-transmitter connectors (not included), and, eventually, play over 100,000 different video games without lifting a finger.

Retailing initially for about $500, the iBubble consists of an iPod-like device which can be put anywhere. It then creates an isolated electro-magnetic field which allows the user to have a completely private environment, from which virtual music, games and Internet can be hooked directly to human brain neuro-transmitters. The device will support iTuneOut 2.0 software, and has USB and Firewire incorporated. Battery-life autonomy is expected to be around 6 months, but later improvements and add-ons should give the device almost unlimited power autonomy, possibly even running off human body heat. This would let users have an indefinitely long "iBubble experience."

Apple had hoped to unveil the surprising new technology before the Christmas buying season, but due to restrictions and National Security concerns with the continuing War on Christmas, its announcement was delayed until today. Consumers have already lined up in some Bay Area stores to get their first look at the revolutionary iBubble.

"This is going to totally like change the way we, like, think, about, like, everything," said local Apple consumer and iPod enthusiast Bart Ender. "If I would a had this when I was 12, my life would a been way easier up to now."

Indeed, Apple intends to market the product to consumers who are looking for alternatives to perscription medication for Attention Deficit Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Nintendo Thumb, or Bob Dole's Disease. Potential markets would be lucrative: war veterans, school children, Katrina victims, prisoners, and so forth. The iBubble is "set to revolutionize the info-tain-music-inema industry," said Apple spokesman Mike Ash. "This will change the way we think about thinking."

The bold industry move comes at a time of intense pressure for Microsoft, which has been struggling to release its new Windows Vista software. Speculation about the delay ranges from software glitches to vast NSA conspiracies run by the shadow government. Software designer William Maykett suggested that Microsoft is "struggling to keep up with innovative industry standards, such as the iMac, the iPod, and now, the iBubble." Now, as Apple enjoys continued marketing success, Microsoft finds itself in an uphill battle for bragging rights in a tightly controlled tech industry.

United Nations unanimously rejects New Year's Resolution 728

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationle


The UN General Assemby announced early Monday that it had decided to give up on New Year's Resolution 728, a contentious proposal that had called for the UN to quit smoking and lose ten or more pounds by the end of 2007. UN spokesman Warren Pragress said that after many hours of difficult consultations, reflection, bargaining and unprecedented diplomatic effort, different sides of the body could not go through with the resolution.

"It simply presented too much difficulty for the body," said Pragress Monday morning in front of the UN building in New York. "Basically, it's simply easier to leave things as they are, even if they're not ideal, or perhaps even unhealthy in the long term, because that way the conflicting parties involved can agree to disagree, and not take any action this year."

It is not the first time the UN has given up on New Year's resolutions, but Resolution 728 was unique in that it was the first time the UN had made an effort to simulatenously give up tobacco and lose weight.

"Perhaps if we had separated these two measures, and tackled them individually under two different resolutions, instead of trying to do everything at once, we would've succeeded," said Stan Dyorgryownd, a high-ranking diplomat from the southern province of Stankistan. "We need to concentrate on both things, as they are important for the UN body, but such drastic change in one resolution is overwhelming."

It is hoped that in 2008 the UN will be able to keep its New Year's resolutions through more delicate diplomatic maneuvering. Some propositions might include finally mowing the lawn on the grounds of the UN headquarters, fixing the running toilet in the men's bathroom on the 28th floor, changing the burned-out lightbulbs in the General Assembly room, as well as quitting smoking and losing ten pounds. It remains to be seen if 2008 will be any more favorable to the long list of so-far unkept UN New Year's resolutions.

Sunday, January 7, 2007

New Freedom Tower to be protected by Liberty Forcefield

High-tech shield will protect tower from terrorist threats

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


The Freedom Tower, set to replace the twin towers of the former World Trade Center, will be protected by a state-of-the-art electro-magnetic shield dubbed the "Liberty Forcefield." Construction on the new skyscraper has only recently begun, delayed by the pesky victims' families who want a memorial to commemorate the nearly 3,000 victims of the September 11, 2001, terror attacks. The project is now underway, over-budget and behind schedule, but nevertheless set for completion by 2012.

The Port Authority of New York, which has repossessed the site after it was privatized by Larry Silverstein properties in July, 2001, is overseeing the construction of the new tower. Although Silverstein properties had intended on financing the project, his investment was threatened by insurance companies who found inconsistencies in the policy that was taken out in July, 2001. They refused to pay the $7 billion Silverstein claimed as his reimbursement for "two separate attacks" that occured on Sept 11, therefore doubling his otherwise paltry $3.5 billion insurance claim.

Problems arose once officials realised that office space on the World Trade Center site was not necessarily in high demand. Before the destruction of the three skyscapers in 2001, including 47-story World Trade Center Building 7, the city had trouble finding tenants for the towers. Moreover, the towers were considered a liability due to the asbestos used in their construction, and they were slated to be dismantled by 2009 at a cost of several billion. Fortunately, the towers were destroyed by Al Qaeda terrorists and therefore costly cleanup and management was unnecessary. However the problems of building new office space and new terrorist threats remained. The replacement for World Trade Center Building 7 was completed in early 2006, and remains at about 10 percent occupancy.

The new Freedom Tower, which will soar to 1,776 feet above the Manhattan skyline, and preside auspiciously over the other near-empty skyscrapers around it, will be protected by a Liberty Forcefield developed jointly by Lockheed-Martin, Halliburton and Boeing. The ion-plasma energy field will be projected out of the building by high-capacity generators, thereby thwarting any wayward aircraft or kamikaze pilots wishing to repeat the tragedy of the September 11, 2001, terror attacks. Other details on the forcefield remained highly classified for National Security reasons.

Some victims' families have cried foul. "That Liberty Forcefield won't work, as any common sense can tell you," said the brother of a firefighter killed in the WTC. "Those buildings didn't fall because of the airplanes. They were built to withstand aircraft impact."

Larry Silverstein, Mayor Bloomberg and other city officials have scoffed at the victims' families "outrageous conspiracies," saying they are only relishing in their relatives' deaths for fame and glory. The forcefield project, they maintain, will become an integral part of the new Freedom Tower, despite what some "dispersed, unorganized and somewhat unstable surviving family members might be saying," said Port Authority employee Phillip Dapitt. This will ultimately protect the tower, "a new symbol of America's unfettered and continued freedom and liberty since 2001 under the courageous policies of the Bush administration," said Dapitt.

Friday, January 5, 2007

Dept of Homeland Security reveals new 'Democratic Threat Level' color code

Alert system to warn Executive Branch of impending oversight

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


The Department of Homeland Security announced Friday that it has developed a new color-coded chart to aide the White House in assessing the threat level of the Democratic Congress. The five categories are intended to help the Leader in evaluating which steps to take next when facing bruising oversight hearings, subpoenas, or leaks of other damaging information. The DHS has declined comment about whether or not the color-coded alert system has already gone into service, but it is certain that its handiness will prove useful once Congressional hearings get started in the coming weeks. The DHS, which takes its orders from the Executive Branch, also has developed new flow chart to help the Leader in the decision-making process, as parter of its larger initiative to protect the vulnerable Unitary Executive from terrorists, enemy combattants or political opponents.

The chart uses five threat levels, much like the chart made in 2002 for the general public after the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. The first two levels, green and blue, indicate a minimal threat from Congressional investigations. The yellow level signals that Congressional probes may be hurting the War on Terror, and the orange and red levels alert the Leader to take urgent action to avoid scandal fallout.

Democrats remained ambivalent after hearing of the news. "I don't think that the President really needs to rely on such as system," said Senator Phil Abusder (D-MI). "It won't change the facts uncovered through oversight."

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Republican can't keep straight face while taking oath of office

Congresswoman 'just can't believe' she has to say these things 'again'

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Five-term Congresswoman Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) couldn't keep a straight face while taking her Oath of Office on Thursday, inside sources report. The narrowly re-elected Representative won 50.2% of the vote in Florida's Ninth District, amidst a tough campaign in what some analysts called a dirty battle for survival. Her Democratic challenger, Jerry Manderer, had to wage war against a campaign machine that attacked his Congressional record on spending, tax increases and Medicare, despite the fact that he had never before held office. The dirty campaign worked, however, as Manderer eventually lost the election. Sentenz then accused him of cheating on his wife with his 14 year old nephew during her victory acceptance speech.

On Thursday, Sentenz appeared in Washington to be sworn into office. Disenfranchised by Democratic gains, Rep. Sentenz brushed off criticism by her colleagues that she was "corrupt to the bone," "in the thick of scandal," and "mischeviously promiscuous." She opted to take her mandatory oath of office in private quarters, instead of with the general House Assembly as is customary.

Upon taking her oath, Rep. Sentenz repeatedly burst into laughter, and tried hard to contain her loud guffaws in front of the witnesses present. She later commented that she "just can't believe" Representatives have to go through the inconvenience of "saying again and again" such trivial "mumbo-jumbo" before they "get down to business."

"I, Amanda Tori Sentenz, do solemnly swear ... wait, wait, stop. I can't ...," reporters quoted the giggling Congresswoman as saying. "Let's try that again. Okay, so I swear, to, like, uphold the Consti ... ti ... ah ha ha ha! I can't do it! Okay, just like let me try it one more time."

It took Sentenz fourteen attempts during a fifteen minute period, where she was told to sit down, given water, and attended to by concerned lobbyists on the sidelides until she calmed down. Eventually she made it through the oath without interruption or an inordinate amount of snickering. She has also recently proposed amending Congressional rules so that oathes become optional for Republicans, particularly if they have been under investigation for unethical behavior.

Pentagon: Death Star nearing completion

Pentagon, NASA reveal existence of Death Star, announce last phases of project

Agathe Sement
La Lune de la presse internationale


The Pentagon, NASA and other government agencies announced in a surprise press conference Thursday the existence of a Death-Star class prototype superweapon, constructed at tremendous cost over the last several decades, which has thus far remained secret. The announcement sent shock waves through the international community, as American troops in Iraq fought to maintain control of the southern Eurasian front. Analysts, commentators and pundits are abuzz about the new revelation, as the nearing completion of the destructive orbital object will allow complete obliteration of emerging groups of terrorists.

"It's time to take the War on Terror to a new level," said Pentagon spokesman Arthur Moe Neukleirbaumz. "We have the capability now to disrupt terrorists where they might lurk, but the new weapon's capabilities, which remain mostly classified, will allow us to go anywhere and destroy anything."

Scheduled for completion before the 2008 Presidential election, the USS Death Star, codenamed Project Divine Justice under the Project for a New American Century's 2001 defense initiative, is sponsored by Starbucks, Barnes & Noble, and Wal-Mart. All major retailers will have a chance to bid for outlet space on the orbital military base, but sponsors are to be given priority. Approximately 500,000 soldiers and officers will man the USS Death Star, which will certainly be equipped with the latest in chemical, biological and nuclear weapons.

"We need to show the world America is serious when it comes to freedom," said Neukleirbaumz at the press conference on Thursday. "We need people to understand there's no messing with terrorism when it comes to enforcing liberty around the world, and the USS Death Star is just another tool in our ongoing fight against terrorist insurgents and enemy combattants."

The construction began in the mid-80s, and continued despite setbacks such as the space shuttle disasters of 1986 and 2003. Although other countries have been contracted to construct and use the USS Death Star, the Pentagon has fought hard to retain strict control over the weapons systems now deployed throughout the stratosphere. Some reporters proded Neukleirbaumz to understand how the public did not notice such a large project over their heads.

"Easy," commented Neukleirbaumz, "we just kept the object in an orbit opposite to that of the United States, so it wasn't visible to the American public. Although foreign media probably reported quite a bit on it, Americans had no idea, for the obvious reason that no substantial foreign news would ever be broadcast in the USA. On top of that, the public would never have believed such a project could be done, along the lines of the Manhattan Project."

With the advent of the Internet and blogs, however, the Pentagon struggled to keep the project a secret during the last couple years. "The conspiracy theorists started blogging about US in 2002," commented NSA agent Frank Leiputt. "We tried a lot of things to get them to keep things quiet: bribes, bank foreclosures, disclosing their Internet porn habits to their spouses, and things like that, but that didn't work so we had to start killing them. That got to be overwhelming, so it was decided that the project would be made public in its final phases, in early 2007."

It remains speculatory what the first target of the $1.4 trillion project will be, but most assume it will be Iran or Iraq, or possibly both at the same time. In any case, the widespread damage inflicted is expected to boost the American economy to new record levels and destroy the nefarious terrorist networks as they seek to oppose America. In the future, the USS Death Star, as well as the three other Death-Star class orbital objects that are to be constructed by 2020 at a cost of $9.3 trillion, are expected to give the United States an edge over its eventual potential rivals well into the 23rd century.

Bush calls for surge in 'Support Our Troops' bumper stickers

'30,000 more freedom stickers will bring victory in Iraq,' President says

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


President Bush called on citizens Wednesday during a speech in Detroit, Michigan, to consider a surge in 'Support Our Troops' bumper stickers in a final push to victory in Iraq. With American forces taking more casualties, and the number of dead surpassing the nearly 3,000 killed during the September 11, 2001, terror attacks, Bush has come under criticism for his "shortsighted and poorly planned" policies in the Middle East.

The President brushed aside criticism yesterday, in what officially kicked off his sixth year of brushing aside criticism. With a new Democratic majority in Congress, the surge in bumper stickers is expected to draw wide bi-partisan support and unify citizens as American stormtroopers push ever closer to victory in Iraq. "I know some people have criticated my policies, but they just don't see it my way," said the President. "What we need is unity, and my bumper sticker initiative is part of that. If Americans had just been more open to bumper stickering before, we wouldn't be in this situation. But in my gut, I know that 30,000 more freedom stickers will bring victory in Iraq."

Democratic Party Leaders expressed enthousiasm for the President's overture by muting their criticism of the Iraq War and underlining support for Americans' outward displays of sympathy for the sorrows of empire.

"We think the President's plan for a surge of 30,000 or more bumper stickers is a good overture at the outset of this new year," said Senator Phil Abusder (D-MI). "We hope the President will also be more open to respecting the Constitution, following the law, and so forth, but these trivial political gestures are helpful in giving people the impression that our Republic is still legitimate."

Some sources close to the President have told the La Rochelle Times that the Bumper Sticker Initiative, known in White House circles as the 'BS Initiative,' is part of a larger effort to guilt Congress into laying out an additional $250 billion for the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. Most of that money would be funneled into undisclosed, no-bid contracts to corporations owned by Executive Branch officials, Bush family members and Saudi royals. The White House maintains that it is essential to winning the continuing global War on Terror.

In the coming weeks, the Democrats will choose whether or not to stand fully behind the BS initiative, or to try to forge a different path with the American public. Given the overwhelming popularity of political bumper stickers, the President's announcement thwarts a key Democratic opportunity to exploit popular public sentiment at a time of change in Washington.

New Congressman disappointed by lack of bribes

Agathe Sement
La Lune de la presse internationale


Recently arrived in Washington, Rep. Mark Miwards (D-CA) announced at a press conference that he was "disappointed and disgusted by the utter lack of bribes" that had come his way since being elected the new Democrat from California's 22nd District on November 7th. "The total unwillingness to buy my vote leaves me practically speechless," said the choked-up Representative on Wednesday.

Although lobbying positions in Washington are changing hands quickly, and some Congressional aides are being bought up at near seven-figure salaries, some freshman Democrats are reportedly crushed at the disappointing amount of soft money arriving in their personal bank accounts. Not all Democrats have objected, however, with some also choosing instead their loyalty of oath.

Some possible lobbying losers could include the Project for a New American Century (PNAC), which lobbied to inflict the 9-11 attacks on America, as well as the K-Street Project, the Carlisle Group and Halliburton, who suffer from a negative image due to the treasonous and illegal war-profiteering policies they have steered in recent years. However, it remains unlikely that such unpopular policies will stop lobbying influence on Congress.

"It's just a bump in the road," said Lobbying Analyst Jack Kass. "Because of the war, and that whole section of Washington dedicated to funneling money from defense companies to lobbyists and then to government officials, people have got a negative image of lobbying. It's all wrong, though. They're not just there to buy votes for defense companies; there are the pharmaceutical companies, the energy companies, and so forth."

It is hoped that dispondent Congressmen, like Miwards, will soon be inundated by lucrative secret offers to pass legislation in favor of industry and business. The influx of illegal special interest money will help to ease the consciences of Congressional delegates who in principle like to bolster their image of democratic representation.

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Poll: Presidential Seal approval rating at all-time high

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


A La Rochelle Times poll conducted the week of December 25th shows more than four fifths of Americans approve of the Presidential Seal. The poll confirms an upward trend in the approval rating.

Since 1999, the Seal has enjoyed renewed popularity, bolstered in part by the nation's mourning after the September 11, 2001, terror attacks. Despite some setbacks for the Leader, as a result of the September 11, 2001, terror attacks, confidence in the Seal has not wavered. With an upsurge in violence on the two fronts in Eurasia, some have speculated that the Seal will suffer from a swing in public mood. However, even if Americans grew dissatisfied with the Seal and desired it to be changed, it currently could not be modified due to legislation passed as a result of the September 11, 2001, terror attacks.

The poll suggests a good start for the Presidential Seal's agenda in 2007, in light of the incoming Democratic Congress. The Presidential Seal has a wide margin of political capital in order to pursue its agenda with the servile Congressional representatives. In fact, some analysts predict, the Seal can hedge any disapproval linked to the neverending war by catering to the 6% 'undecided' of those polled.

The La Rochelle Times/Peuderaison poll shows:

Do you approve of the Presidential Seal of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands?

Yes 83%

If yes, why?

Like the colors 30%

Eagles love freedom 22%

Support our troops 21%

Circles are feng shui 17%

Best font ever 10%

No 10%

Undecided 6%
The poll shows Amerians are overwhelmingly positive toward the traditional Presidential Seal. Despite some scattered and disorganized opposition, the Presidential Seal can expect to see prolonged positive results with, and little journalistic opposition to, its political agenda in 2007.

Minimum wage to be raised to 7 nachos an hour

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Democrats in Congress have announced the minimum wage will soon be increased to 7 or more nachos an hour, depending on the state. Looking for ways to forge ahead on a positive agenda despite the complete and total evisceration of the Constitution after 12 years of Republican control, Democrats maintain the across-the-board nacho increase will bolster the nation's economy.

With an estimated 10 million or more illegal workers within the United States, the minimum nacho increase is expected to help poor families of low-wage earners, while at the same time protecting big businesses from having to prove their workers are legal.

"There will be basically no oversight of big companies," said McDonald's Executive Lou Zurr. "And that's the way it should be. If Congress wants to pass a wage increase for the little guy, then they need to leave the big guys alone to make the right decisions."

While a large majority of Americans supports a minimum nacho increase, it is less certain whether Americans would support cracking down on illegal workers. As part of the nacho increase, Congressional Democrats could consider legislation making worker documentation necessary and required for all jobs, thus reducing the number of illegals holding positions within the United States.

However, focusing on a wider agenda that simultaneously tackles immigration issues is seen as heresy by Washington insiders, who contend that such legislation would eliminate Democrats' chances of receiving healthy doses of bribes from Political Action Committees, lobbyists and big business. Therefore it remains much more likely that the Nacho Increase Act (HR-2383) will pass without any additional resolutions, so that prominent Democrats can maintain their hand in the bribe pot while at the same time supporting popular, poor- and immigrant-friendly causes.

The bill would raise the nacho per hour rate progressively, and, depending on which states already have nacho-regulating legislation, will affect workers independently in different regions. In Arizona, for example, the minimum nacho rate has been above six nachos an hour for many years, due in part to the large presence of low-wage, foreign workers in the state. By 2008, it would be expected that all states would require workers to be paid at least seven nachos an hour.

"I think it's great they are trying to do something about the lack of nachos in our community," said Chili's employee Juana Visa. "It's time they start thinking of the little guy, you know. We do all the dirty work, and then they complain that some of us come here illegally, but then they still hire us to do the jobs. It's like, you know, you can't have it both ways."

Republican opposition in Congress has vehemently opposed the Nacho Increase Act, saying such legislation will ruin the economy, promote more illegal immigration, cause widespread world conflict over resources, hurt the War on Terror, and cause large skyscrapers to collapse in an unexplained fashion.