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Monday, January 8, 2007

United Nations unanimously rejects New Year's Resolution 728

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationle


The UN General Assemby announced early Monday that it had decided to give up on New Year's Resolution 728, a contentious proposal that had called for the UN to quit smoking and lose ten or more pounds by the end of 2007. UN spokesman Warren Pragress said that after many hours of difficult consultations, reflection, bargaining and unprecedented diplomatic effort, different sides of the body could not go through with the resolution.

"It simply presented too much difficulty for the body," said Pragress Monday morning in front of the UN building in New York. "Basically, it's simply easier to leave things as they are, even if they're not ideal, or perhaps even unhealthy in the long term, because that way the conflicting parties involved can agree to disagree, and not take any action this year."

It is not the first time the UN has given up on New Year's resolutions, but Resolution 728 was unique in that it was the first time the UN had made an effort to simulatenously give up tobacco and lose weight.

"Perhaps if we had separated these two measures, and tackled them individually under two different resolutions, instead of trying to do everything at once, we would've succeeded," said Stan Dyorgryownd, a high-ranking diplomat from the southern province of Stankistan. "We need to concentrate on both things, as they are important for the UN body, but such drastic change in one resolution is overwhelming."

It is hoped that in 2008 the UN will be able to keep its New Year's resolutions through more delicate diplomatic maneuvering. Some propositions might include finally mowing the lawn on the grounds of the UN headquarters, fixing the running toilet in the men's bathroom on the 28th floor, changing the burned-out lightbulbs in the General Assembly room, as well as quitting smoking and losing ten pounds. It remains to be seen if 2008 will be any more favorable to the long list of so-far unkept UN New Year's resolutions.


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