Al-Asteroid determined to strike the US
La Lune de la presse internationale
KUIPER BELT, SOLAR SYSTEM
Scientists have recently commented that Al-Asteroid intends to hit the United States. Such alarming reports have been sent as high as the White House, with inside sources stating a Presidential Daily Brief entitled "Al-Asteroid determined to strike within the US" has recently been sent to the Oval Office.
Since official reports of Al-Asteroid's activity have been classified, little is known publicly about what may happen sometime from the mid-23rd to late-44th centuries. However, initial media reports indicate that it is not a matter of "if" Al-Asteroid strikes, but "when."
"We know we're going to get hit," said NASA astronomer Paul Bearer. "We just don't know exactly when. But it's going to be bad. Even if we try to stop it, and believe me we'll try, we will in all probability fail. There's no stopping Al-Asteroid: it's determined to destroy America."
Some skeptics have downplayed the news, stating that such an event, despite the best computer models, still remains uncertain.
"We can't really be one hundred percent sure that Al-Asteroid will hit the United States," said Xavier Selph from Scientists United for Knowledge, Mediation and Evolution (SUKME). "Saying such things just encourages people to accept this as an eventuality, when in fact there are many other, more important astronomical threats that will emerge before Al-Asteroid may strike. And if you take in other factors, such as global warming, the time scale of this event seems to be rather exaggerated."
Contrary to SUKME, which is funded by individual donors, there are few government-funded scientists or academics who have dared give comfort to the orbital object. Indeed, many government-funded researchers have concluded that Al-Asteroid poses an "immediate and pressing threat" to the United States in the coming millennia. SUKME, however, has suggested that such a "dire hypothesis" has no "basis in merit or reason," in calling attention to the "inevitable destruction of humanity" through the "bogus hype of random chance."
NASA countered the accusations of threat exaggeration by urging Americans not to panic, but reminding citizens nonetheless to stock up on basic foodstuffs and munitions. "If we keep our heads about us, and temper our anticipation of this eventuality through abject fear-based consumerism, we should all be just fine," said Bearer, giving the bad news a positive tone of hope in the face of unavoidable destruction from Al-Asteroid.