New Congressman disappointed by lack of bribes

Agathe Sement
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Recently arrived in Washington, Rep. Mark Miwards (D-CA) announced at a press conference that he was "disappointed and disgusted by the utter lack of bribes" that had come his way since being elected the new Democrat from California's 22nd District on November 7th. "The total unwillingness to buy my vote leaves me practically speechless," said the choked-up Representative on Wednesday.

Although lobbying positions in Washington are changing hands quickly, and some Congressional aides are being bought up at near seven-figure salaries, some freshman Democrats are reportedly crushed at the disappointing amount of soft money arriving in their personal bank accounts. Not all Democrats have objected, however, with some also choosing instead their loyalty of oath.

Some possible lobbying losers could include the Project for a New American Century (PNAC), which lobbied to inflict the 9-11 attacks on America, as well as the K-Street Project, the Carlisle Group and Halliburton, who suffer from a negative image due to the treasonous and illegal war-profiteering policies they have steered in recent years. However, it remains unlikely that such unpopular policies will stop lobbying influence on Congress.

"It's just a bump in the road," said Lobbying Analyst Jack Kass. "Because of the war, and that whole section of Washington dedicated to funneling money from defense companies to lobbyists and then to government officials, people have got a negative image of lobbying. It's all wrong, though. They're not just there to buy votes for defense companies; there are the pharmaceutical companies, the energy companies, and so forth."

It is hoped that dispondent Congressmen, like Miwards, will soon be inundated by lucrative secret offers to pass legislation in favor of industry and business. The influx of illegal special interest money will help to ease the consciences of Congressional delegates who in principle like to bolster their image of democratic representation.