Pentagon: Death Star nearing completion
Pentagon, NASA reveal existence of Death Star, announce last phases of project
La Lune de la presse internationale
"It's time to take the War on Terror to a new level," said Pentagon spokesman Arthur Moe Neukleirbaumz. "We have the capability now to disrupt terrorists where they might lurk, but the new weapon's capabilities, which remain mostly classified, will allow us to go anywhere and destroy anything."
Scheduled for completion before the 2008 Presidential election, the USS Death Star, codenamed Project Divine Justice under the Project for a New American Century's 2001 defense initiative, is sponsored by Starbucks, Barnes & Noble, and Wal-Mart. All major retailers will have a chance to bid for outlet space on the orbital military base, but sponsors are to be given priority. Approximately 500,000 soldiers and officers will man the USS Death Star, which will certainly be equipped with the latest in chemical, biological and nuclear weapons.
"We need to show the world America is serious when it comes to freedom," said Neukleirbaumz at the press conference on Thursday. "We need people to understand there's no messing with terrorism when it comes to enforcing liberty around the world, and the USS Death Star is just another tool in our ongoing fight against terrorist insurgents and enemy combattants."
The construction began in the mid-80s, and continued despite setbacks such as the space shuttle disasters of 1986 and 2003. Although other countries have been contracted to construct and use the USS Death Star, the Pentagon has fought hard to retain strict control over the weapons systems now deployed throughout the stratosphere. Some reporters proded Neukleirbaumz to understand how the public did not notice such a large project over their heads.
"Easy," commented Neukleirbaumz, "we just kept the object in an orbit opposite to that of the United States, so it wasn't visible to the American public. Although foreign media probably reported quite a bit on it, Americans had no idea, for the obvious reason that no substantial foreign news would ever be broadcast in the USA. On top of that, the public would never have believed such a project could be done, along the lines of the Manhattan Project."
With the advent of the Internet and blogs, however, the Pentagon struggled to keep the project a secret during the last couple years. "The conspiracy theorists started blogging about US in 2002," commented NSA agent Frank Leiputt. "We tried a lot of things to get them to keep things quiet: bribes, bank foreclosures, disclosing their Internet porn habits to their spouses, and things like that, but that didn't work so we had to start killing them. That got to be overwhelming, so it was decided that the project would be made public in its final phases, in early 2007."
It remains speculatory what the first target of the $1.4 trillion project will be, but most assume it will be Iran or Iraq, or possibly both at the same time. In any case, the widespread damage inflicted is expected to boost the American economy to new record levels and destroy the nefarious terrorist networks as they seek to oppose America. In the future, the USS Death Star, as well as the three other Death-Star class orbital objects that are to be constructed by 2020 at a cost of $9.3 trillion, are expected to give the United States an edge over its eventual potential rivals well into the 23rd century.