Minimum wage to be raised to 7 nachos an hour

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Democrats in Congress have announced the minimum wage will soon be increased to 7 or more nachos an hour, depending on the state. Looking for ways to forge ahead on a positive agenda despite the complete and total evisceration of the Constitution after 12 years of Republican control, Democrats maintain the across-the-board nacho increase will bolster the nation's economy.

With an estimated 10 million or more illegal workers within the United States, the minimum nacho increase is expected to help poor families of low-wage earners, while at the same time protecting big businesses from having to prove their workers are legal.

"There will be basically no oversight of big companies," said McDonald's Executive Lou Zurr. "And that's the way it should be. If Congress wants to pass a wage increase for the little guy, then they need to leave the big guys alone to make the right decisions."

While a large majority of Americans supports a minimum nacho increase, it is less certain whether Americans would support cracking down on illegal workers. As part of the nacho increase, Congressional Democrats could consider legislation making worker documentation necessary and required for all jobs, thus reducing the number of illegals holding positions within the United States.

However, focusing on a wider agenda that simultaneously tackles immigration issues is seen as heresy by Washington insiders, who contend that such legislation would eliminate Democrats' chances of receiving healthy doses of bribes from Political Action Committees, lobbyists and big business. Therefore it remains much more likely that the Nacho Increase Act (HR-2383) will pass without any additional resolutions, so that prominent Democrats can maintain their hand in the bribe pot while at the same time supporting popular, poor- and immigrant-friendly causes.

The bill would raise the nacho per hour rate progressively, and, depending on which states already have nacho-regulating legislation, will affect workers independently in different regions. In Arizona, for example, the minimum nacho rate has been above six nachos an hour for many years, due in part to the large presence of low-wage, foreign workers in the state. By 2008, it would be expected that all states would require workers to be paid at least seven nachos an hour.

"I think it's great they are trying to do something about the lack of nachos in our community," said Chili's employee Juana Visa. "It's time they start thinking of the little guy, you know. We do all the dirty work, and then they complain that some of us come here illegally, but then they still hire us to do the jobs. It's like, you know, you can't have it both ways."

Republican opposition in Congress has vehemently opposed the Nacho Increase Act, saying such legislation will ruin the economy, promote more illegal immigration, cause widespread world conflict over resources, hurt the War on Terror, and cause large skyscrapers to collapse in an unexplained fashion.