"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand the idea of subatomic particles that make up the basic building blocks of quantum mechanics underlying the innate vibrational nature of matter itself."

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Point-Counterpoint: Government Policy

Defense contractor: "Across the globe, we need to address emerging threats to America"

Ray Gunn

Weapons Systems Analyst for Lockheed Martin

Everywhere in the world today they are plotting to kill you. Not me. Not him. YOU. And they won't stop until you're dead. They're called terrorists. Dissenters. Democrats. Call them what you like, but they're all around us.

That's why today, as we defecate on ourselves with fear, and try to reason with our bellythink, we need America to address the threats to its beautiful shores by taking action unilaterally across the globe. From Austria to Australia, New Brunswick to New Zealand, we need to pulverize those who dare plot against freedom.

Our Leader has told us that we need to expect to be hit again. We know he's trying to stop it, but we know it will happen again anyway because the terroristic attitude will make them hate us even if we do nothing. Even our Leader might not be good enough to stop them, because they're crafty. And even if he's the best and the smartest, they only have to be right once. That's why we need the laws to spy on everyone, but I'm sure they'll still succeed at getting us again anyway no matter how many laws we pass.

And that's why we need to flatten anyone who doesn't live within our lovely borders. Just wipe 'em out. And my job, every day, is to promote those weapon systems for America, so we can fight for our freedoms. And freedom doesn't matter if you're dead. Let's make a pact, America. Let's fight together for freedom there, so we don't have to fight them here.

Ecologist: "Across America, we need to address emerging threats to the globe"

Woody Forrest
Environmental activist

Everywhere in America today we are killing the planet. Not just our country, and not just theirs. Everyone's planet! And since America is the largest polluter, the largest producer of arms, and the largest consumer of fossil fuels, we need to change our own habits so that the rest of the world will follow our example.

We could start by changing the way we build our cities. Massive sprawling suburban wasteland stretches out for miles, while costly highways and infrastructure must be built to transport populations that are increasingly isolated. By promoting mass transit, energy-efficiency and green, renewable energy, we can transform some of these pollution pits into environmental petri dishes!

A lot of naysayers would have you think that the biggest threat is a boogeyman who's going to come and destroy some skyscrapers in the night. They want you to think that you'll wake up one morning and have to watch tall buildings burn and fall ad nauseum, so that they will justify more wars and the gutting of the treasury. But the real threat is what we put in the atmosphere every day: our thousands of tons of CO² emissions that are causing the Greenland glaciers to retreat by several miles a year. And terrorism isn't going to matter much if we fry the atmosphere. So I say, it's time for America to wake up and change its habits to address the threats to our globe right here at home.

Defense contractor rebuttal*

What you just spouted was just a bunch of liberal, far-left bullshit. Everyone knows it. Global warming isn't real and if you believe in that you probably believe in UFOs and think the Moon landing was fake. Now decide for yourself: are you ready to fight for America? Or are you with the terrorists?

*The Defense contractor rebuttal is required by Section 24 Article 7 of the Fairness Doctrine Initiative (2001), from a sub-clause of the USA Patriot Act, which stipulates that government defense contractors shall always be accorded over-representation in public debate.

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