Extraterrestrial civilisation offended by human numerical designation

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

XYRLOR, PEGASUS CLUSTER

A highly sophisticated, organized, and advanced alien civilization issued a statement of protest Wednesday after learning of humanity's insignificant and meaningless designation of their home planet. Recently discovered by NASA and European astronomers, the planet was named EP1092384-2007, which as a result profaned the highly developed world which has existed in peace with other forms of life for nearly eight million years.

"We cannot believe the lowly human colony would dare to mock us with such an insignificant numerical characterisation," read the statement beamed to Earth via a faster-than-light ion transmitter on EP1092384-2007, known also as Xyrlor. "We pity the unfortunate souls who inhabit such a minuscule, retrograde planet with, and we are laughing now, inferior carbon-based DNA life forms." The statement was received in binary code and written in perfectly correct English, which NASA sources also declared had become the official language of interplanetary communication.

The nano-silicon lifeforms that inhabit Xyrlor can live up to 45,000 years and use electromagnetic signals to establish self-awareness in their closed-circuit membranes. Their extensive galactic empire reveals an advanced knowledge of quantum theories and propulsion systems, and includes dozens of extrasolar colonies. The derogatory numerical code assigned to the home planet risks infuriating the alien race, reducing any chance of future harmony between humans and other nearby extraterrestrial lifeforms.

NASA scientists declined to comment on this exclusive La Rochelle Times story. However one official stated on condition of anonimity that NASA will take care in the future to respect galactic pecking orders when giving future names to newly-discovered planets, in order to avoid angering more powerful and advanced extraterrestrial civilizations.

France releases arrogant report on 'global warming'

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PARIS, FRANCE

France flouted its nose at the world Tuesday by releasing a conceited, egotistictal and decidedly arrogant report outlining the latest data on planetary climate change. French Environmental Minister Destin Toulouse flippantly announced the release of the report in Paris during a press conference, before brazenly turning his back on reporters and breaking wind in their general direction while walking out of the room.

"We offer this report for everyone else in the world who has not yet caught up to our level of science and research," Toulouse said during the announcement which was later translated by foreign media services. "Obviously once again the French have outpaced every other country in detailing the many aspects of climate change."

The report included mundane details about the inevitable collapse of eco-systems, mass extinctions of species and catastrophic sea-level rise. Journalists quickly disregarded the dire implications of the predictions, however, after the vain and pretentious nature of the announcement.

Cheney visits Asia to shop for new heart

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

SINGAPORE

Vice President Dick Cheney stopped off in Singapore on Sunday to briefly peruse local human organ marketplaces for a new heart, sources reported to the La Rochelle Times. Due to his continuing cardiac problems, Cheney is apparently in the market for a younger organ that he will select from a pool of potential vendors including mental patients, prisoners or street children.

It was unknown initially how long Cheney would stay before selecting a donor and moving on to Pakistan for urgent talks. Recent reports of an Al-Qaeda resurgence in northern Pakistan apparently prompted the Vice President to make a surprise unofficial visit to the country, most certainly to secure last minute preparations. Cheney is expected back in Washington in time for the verdict in the Scooter Libby trial, in which the former White House official faces the death penalty if convicted.

Bush plans limited nuclear winter to balance global warming

Latest intelligence estimates predict radioactive cloud will cool planet by up to 2° C

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

US President George W Bush announced plans Thursday to help climate change by "fighting global warming there, so we don't have to fight it here," in declaring a surprising combination of his environmental and foreign policy initiatives. In launching an unprecedented, unconstitutional pre-emptive nuclear strike on Iran, Bush plans to "put an end to the eco-terrorists who despise our freedoms." Minority Republicans, including Joe Lieberman of Connecticut, praised the President's assessment of the dire situation by commending his decision, both to destroy a potential limited regional power, and to initiate a cooling cloud of toxic radioactive dust.

The strike details remain classified, but given that only 10% of the world's population will be killed initially, the chances are most Americans will survive. The large majority of fatalities will be economically-insignificant portions of Eurasia with highly ethnic populations. The cooling effect of the vaporized debris from the detonations will take several weeks to fully circle the earth, sources close to the Pentagon report. By then, most of the radioactive material, vaporized heavy plastics and enriched metals will have settled out of the atmosphere, so there should be little to no risk to Americans or vital economic interests, according to the latest intelligence estimates.

While the nuclear cloud slowly cools the earth after recent years of unprecedented warming, major storms, and glacial melting, the Party may proceed with the continuing conquest of Eurasia. Recent Pentagon intelligence reports suggest the cooling radioactive cloud and debris in the atmosphere could reduce the planet's overall temperature by up to 2° C. In addition to the climatic benefits, the recent drop in the dollar against the Euro is a motivating factor for the continuing struggle for dominance, without considering the immediate influence of Eastasia. There has been a recent rise in dissent among Party loyalists, as was the sentiment in the most recent elections, but the influence on long-term strategy has yet to be seen.

The President was expected to address the nation before implementing the plan, which, according to inside sources, he "thunk up" in a long "strategery planning" session during his latest vacation in Crawford, Texas. The leaked information comes as naval exercises and strike forces remain strong in the Persian Gulf, and a third aircraft carrier battle group arrives in the region.

Recent bellicose rhetoric from the White House has served to alert some ungroupthinkers to possible military action in Iran. Many widespread sources of information are leaking suspicions about a coming military conflict, as simply a wider front in the global fight against Ben Zarkawi al-Muqdar Maliki and others high in the ranks of al-Qaeda. By taking the unprecedented action of launching a pre-emptive, nuclear attack on a non-nuclear nation, the Leader will show to what point he has usurped the Republic of its last Constitutional provisions, setting forth a future of barbaric international conflict as a backdrop to catastrophic climate change. The climate change will be reduced, however, by the cooling effect of the "limited" nuclear winter.

Some noted conspiracy theorists, bloggers and "internet chatters" have questioned whether this strategy may lead to total annihilation, nuclear catastrophe or complete governmental collapse. Pentagon spokesman Dean Eide dismissed the claims, explaining that "breakaway regimes in middle-Eurasia pose an imminent threat to our interests, and the objectives we have there are in response to that threat." Along with the nearing completion of the USS Death Star, the pre-emptive nuclear strike will cool both heated international tensions and warming climatic tendencies. He did not elaborate on the nature of the threat, although it is expected to be "as bad as, or worse, than the September 11, 2001, terror attacks" if it does someday materialize. He also said that pulling out any troops would result in another September 11 "within minutes."

ADDENDUM:

We here at the La Rochelle Times understand those who feel the presumed "negative effects" of global warming receive far too much media attention. In order to put a positive note on an otherwise pernicious situation, and in response to a healthy grant from the EPA and BP (thanks guys!), the La Rochelle Times will launch a new series outlining the positive aspects of global warming in our new Hats Off to Climate Change series, to be continued throughout fiscal year 2007.

An obligatory word from our sponsor:

Check delays agonizing purchase of awkward items

BREAKING NEWS!

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WAUTOMA, WISCONSIN

A routine purchase at a local Target outlet store was agonizingly delayed by the use of a check, sources in Wautoma reported late Monday. An impressive array of embarrassing items such as tampons, lubricant and condoms were kept in full view of customers and employees for several minutes while the check was filled out, run through a scanning device and finally accepted by the cashier after repeated attempts to clear the purchase. The assistant manager also had to be called in, delaying the transaction for an additional five minutes.

Local resident Tim Idde was flustered after the incident, declining extensive comment in order to rush hurriedly out of the store to his car. "I bought the tampons for my girlfriend. She's out," said Idde before turning his eyes to the floor and walking quickly to the exit.

A La Rochelle Times FactFinders™ investigative team uncovered some of the more elusive details in the minutes following the incident. According to sources who witnessed the purchase, Idde allegedly had no cash or credit cards, and was forced to use a check as a last resort. The cashier, Juana Visa, is apparently a recently hired employee who only has handled a total of ten check purchases. Therefore, her efficiency in running the transaction was limited, leading to the increased embarrassment of the customer, which was further exacerbated by the indiscrete looks and unpleasant commentary of other shoppers.

Target executives were not available for immediate comment, although it is known at this time that customer surveys have indicated a desire for a "discrete" checkout line that would provide enhanced privacy when customers are forced to publicly display personal items needed for intimate activites.

North Dakota shocks world with nuclear test

Breakaway state now officially possesses atomic weapons

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

BISMARCK, NORTH DAKOTA

The breakaway Republic of North Dakota sucessfully tested its first nuclear weapon early Sunday morning in an underground nuclear detonation, alarming analysts around the world and aggravating tensions throughout the Middle West. The test comes at a time of sensitive diplomatic negotations which are trying to put an end to years of bitter rivalries in the region. The talks have been stalled since the Midwest toll-booth bombings in 1998, which put a strain on relations between rival Midwest states.

Declaring itself to be a "nuclear power with global ambitions" on Sunday, Governor Gerry Manderer said in a press release after the successful test that "our Homeland shall forever go forward in the struggle against our oppressors. Today we took our biggest step in securing the future for ourselves and our children." North Dakota, with a population of approximately 650,000, has been known to be harboring nuclear missiles since 2003, and has boasted about its successful uranium enrichment programs. However it has never conducted a nuclear test or threatened to use the weapons on other states.

North Dakota Army General Frank Lee Stated announced that "North Dakota will rain fire down on its neighbors" if any of the opposing states, such as rival South Dakota, were to launch pre-emptive strikes. The latest developments will make future negotations extremely difficult, since Minnesota and South Dakota have accused the breakaway state of selling missile technology to Iowa and Nebraska. Insurgent groups in northern Minnesota have also alledgedly been supplied arms through Fargo-based rebel factions.

Reaction throughout the world was framed by calls for renewed talks and a decrease in tensions in the Middle West. Iran, North Korea and Pakistan all expressed disappointment at the news, saying that the American state was "choosing the wrong path for the future" and "discouraging a peaceful resolution to current problems in the Midwest" by continuing to pursue its nuclear program. European leaders Jacques Chirac, Angela Merkel and José Zapatero issued a joint statement condemning the North Dakotan nuclear test.

Reaction in the Midwest was of a more urgent nature, with leaders in Minnesota and Wisconsin calling for renewed negotations, bolstered by the fact that their states do not have suspected nuclear weapons programs. Local Oconomowoc resident Selma Kahr expressed her apprhension for the future after the announcement, telling the La Rochelle Times: "I just don't think North Dakota doing nuclear tests is a good thing for the Midwest. I know they're targeting Oconomowoc, because of the Dairy Factory and the Wal-Mart. It would be stupid to think we couldn't get hit here."

It is expected that the surprise detonation will quickly bring other Midwestern states back to the table in order to obtain concessions from the breakaway Dakotan state, which has thus far refused to renounce its continuing nuclear program.

Poll: Majority approves of groupthink

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

ATLANTA, GEORGIA

Most people simulatenously agreed that groupthink is acceptable, according to a La Rochelle Times poll conducted this week. The overwhelming majority of respondents gave a favorable answer when enthusiastically asked the survey question while under slight social pressure. The study confirms recent tendencies among the American population to accept perceived realities when regrouped as a united omniscient conscience, often in the face of blatant contradictions. The results could also help to explain recent historical tendencies.

The paltry 2% who disagreed were summarily ridiculed and laughed into irrelevance after responding unfavorably. It is expected, with the evolution of the current Three Year Plan, that groupthink will continue to gain on doubleplusungood quackspeak in the coming months, unless an unexpected change in unitary societal consciousness somehow occurs.

The La Rochelle Times-Peuderaison poll is published exclusively here.

"Who here thinks groupthink is fucking awesome?!"

Me 84%

Not me 2%

No response 14%

*Margin of error +/- 0.3%, modeled on current statistical and analytical models for given statistics analysis.

Respondents were asked in large groups of people with similar interests and viewpoints, during sporting and musical events, repeatedly at increasingly high volume over a public address system.

Cheney invites Fitzgerald on hunting trip

Vice President to escort prosecutor on outing after trial finishes

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Vice President Dick Cheney formally invited Federal Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald on a "quail hunt outing" on Friday, sources in Washington reported. The move is seen as a gesture of goodwill after Fitzgerald prosecuted Cheney's second in command, "Scooter" Libby, for lying to federal investigators after a CIA agent was outed by the White House in 2003.

The trial is nearing its closure, as interesting details have been made public, revealing that the Executive Branch purposely sought to discredit Joseph Wilson and his wife, Valerie Plame, after they disputed Cheney's intelligence claims that Iraq was seeking to buy uranium on the black market. The jury has not yet delivered its verdict, although a Presidential pardon is expected if Libby is convicted, despite the fact that he risks the death penalty at his sentencing.

The Vice President has a reputation for being an avid hunter, and political analysts seemed unsurprised at the lastest invitation, which has also been extended to other Justice Department and Democratic officials. "This is truly a sign from the Executive Branch that they are ready to make nice with those who are investigating any possible wrongdoing," said Faux News commentator Jack Kass. "We think this is a good move to restore a unified government in Washington, and we wish Mr. Fitzgerald well."

House Republicans propose mandatory witch-burning amendment

Bill would amend Constitution to require execution of ‘paganist sympathisers’

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Republican lawmakers in the House have proposed resolutions that would make the burning of witches mandatory, inside sources reported on Tuesday. The bill has already won the support of Puritans and conservative evangelicals, who widely influenced wording of the new amendment. The measure will come up for a vote in the House after next week's recess, and must be passed by two-thirds of both the House and Senate before being approved by individual state legislatures.

The final details of the bill remain uncertain at this time, but some key provisions have been outlined by Republican sponsors. The amendment would require burning of witches on the grounds of heresy, sorcery, invoking spirits, chanting mantras, scrying and general humbuggery. Moreover, classification of witches is left open to interpretation by individual communities and states. Behavior deemed to be witchcraft or "aiding and abetting paganist sympathisers" would result in arrest and detainment of the guilty parties, trial, conviction, and punishment by burning at the stake.

"We feel this amendment will restore values and morals to a corrupt and perverted America," said a co-sponsor of the bill, ranking House member Harry Wanker (R-KY). "Obviously there's going to be opposition, but I think justice will prevail here. We're in a difficult time right now, with the continuing war on the two fronts in Eurasia, and this amendment is just another way to show support for our Leader and punish those who are trying to destroy the American Way of Life."

Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) agreed, stating: "I think this bill is a monumental step forward for all of us who want to restore a sense of moral justice to America, which has been so tainted under the Democratic leadership these past few years. That is why I have given my full support to the mandatory witch-burning amendment."

The proposal has garnered little opposition on the Democrats' side of the aisle, despite their control of both houses of Congress. One House Democrat told the La Rochelle Times on the condition of anonymity that the Democrats are hesitant to be seen as soft on witch-burning, particularly given the Presidential elections that are only 81 weeks away. It is likely that many Democrats will vote in favor of the measure, even if they disagree with some or all of the amendment's provisions.

Legal Procedures

Under the new law, people who feel that "a loss, illness or death has been caused by witchcraft" can file a complaint with local or state authorities, who will issue arrest warrants against accused individuals. They will summarily stand trial before newly formed Homeland Security Tribunals, given a verdict and, if found guilty, burned at the stake within several days. To ensure swift justice, appeals are specifically prohibited during or after the witch trial process.

Interestingly, Republican legislators have added language to the bill which would permit the most modern interrogation techniques to obtain confessions, such as those used at the Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib prisons, including stress positions, waterboarding, fecal information extraction™, and others. Some of the most up-to-date techniques have also been patented by companies such as Halliburton and Kellogg Brown & Root, who are expected to win witch trial contracts once the amendment passes.

One area has yet to be hammered out in the House; the language used to define witches has thus far been extremely vague. Wanker and Sentenz have stated "anyone using witchcraft, having paganist characteristics, or their sympathisers" could be burned once the amendment is passed. Experts from Faux News Channel recently concluded that the law will allow the incineration of all those accused of witchcraft, sex crimes, drug use, political opposition and speeding.

Political maneuvering

Republicans have scoffed at suggestions the 2007 Mandatory Witch-burning Amendment (MWA) is simply political posturing for the upcoming Presidential elections. Indeed, it would appear that the MWA is part of a larger Republican agenda targeting terrorism, sex, drugs and paganist propaganda. The MWA would thus find its place alongside previous counter-terrorism, anti-pagan measures such as the Military Commissions Act of 2006 and the Patriot Act of 2001.

In the coming weeks, legislators will decide on the future of the MWA and debate the pros and cons of defending America from the growing threat of witchcraft. It is thought that a large majority of Congress will agree with taking these much needed steps, and the Leader is expected to declare his support in the coming weeks during the implementation of the latest Three Year Plan.

Bush: 'Every fallen soldier's family will get a new SUV'

President launches initiative to honor Iraq soldiers, distribute surplus vehicles

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

FAIRFIELD, OHIO

President Bush called on critics to tone down opposition to the Iraq conflict on Wednesday, as he announced his latest initiative to honor the troops who have fallen in Iraq by giving their families a brand new sport utility vehicle (SUV).

"In my new plan, every fallen soldier's family will get a new SUV. I intend to give every military family who has sacrificed a loved one for freedom a brand new 2006 or 2007 SUV, paid for by the government," the President announced while visiting a factory that produces Humvees for the war effort in Eurasia. "Some have said that this war isn't worth fighting. They think the terrorists should win. My plan will show that America values those who made the ultimate sacrifice," Bush continued.

The plan would be enacted with the support of big automobile makers like Ford, who have recently experienced a large overstock of SUVs due to increasing gasoline prices. Under the plan, which must first be approved by Congress, the government would buy the surplus vehicles and distrubute them to military families.

The plan has received a mild welcome in the House, garnering support from some Republicans, while receiving yawns, eyebrow raises or a roll of the eyes from majority Democrats. Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) has announced her support of the measure, saying that she will press for increased bipartisan support.

"It is clear that some of my Democratic colleagues don't want to support the troops," said Sentenz Friday. "They would obviously prefer that the terrorists come and kill every man, woman and child in America. That might be a fine electoral platform for them in 2008, but through this new SUV initiative, the Republicans will show that they are committed to supporting the soldiers who are protecting our Way of Life."

While the buyout prices remain less transparent, it is expected that Ford, Chrysler and other automotive manufacturers will sell the surplus vehicles to the government at twice their retail value. Democratic opposition leaders, who have previously announced their support for the enemies of freedom in the continuing War on Terror, declared that such a move will be "wasteful, unnecessary and hypocritical."

"This measure will do nothing to end the bloodshed in Iraq," said Senator Phil Abusder (D-MI). "Once again the President has announced a plan that does not address the real problems at hand." Abusder went on to say that he hopes Al-Qaeda eventually invades and occupies the United States.

The President brushed aside criticism after the announcement, musing with reporters about the persistent notion of political opposition. Before boarding Air Force One to return to Washington, the President reassured the public that his new SUV initiative will pass and, along with his plan calling for a surge in 'Support Our Troops' bumper stickers, will increase morale among the troops and their families, thus leading to "victory, freedom and peace in Iraq."

Point-Counterpoint: Congressional Perks

Republican Congressman: "My being in the minority doesn't change our sexual status"

Harry Wanker (R-KY)
Representative, ranking member, House Ways & Means Committee

Oh, Mikey, Mikey. Do you remember last year, before the November elections, when you would come up to my office? Do you remember the good times we'd have, after a long day of what you liked to call "legislative masturbation" on the floor of the House? I hope you don't think that now, just because my party doesn't control the Congress any longer, that things will change between us.

You see, my lust for you is part of a longstanding Republican tradition here on Capitol hill. Whether we control the Congress or not doesn't matter, because we still have a lot of other tricks up our sleeves to get what we want. And I want you. And so I shall have you, now as before, whether you like it or not.

Curiously, I haven't seen you around since the November elections. So I'm going to give you one last chance to reconsider. I've tried instant messaging you again, calling you at home, and going to the dormitory. Hell, I even had the NSA try to dig up your dad's porn records, but they're still working on that. So I'd suggest you make the right decision here, and come back to good old Wanker, who knows what's best for you. See you soon, Mikey.

Congressional Page: "Sorry, Gramps, but I'm a Democratic butt-boy now"

Mike Ongress
Congressional Page

You're such a loser. I figured that out when I went up to your office on those cold winter nights, after a long, hard legislative session. As if I didn't know what I was doing when we'd instant message each other: you from the House floor, telling me what buttons you were pushing, and me from the pages' dorm, telling you what buttons I'd push.

But don't think for a minute that it's going to stay that way. You're yesterday's news, Gramps. It's on to bigger and better things now. The Democrats are in control, and so now it's my turn to be their butt boy for the next few years. Don't even try to get in touch with me. In fact, why don't you just resign? No one really wants you around Washington anyway.

I can't believe you had the NSA try to get our Internet records. That's ridiculous! Just because I didn't call you back? Who do you think you are? All of us pages have more control over the majority than you do now, so go back to your office and legislate yourself into irrelevance, and leave the hard work to the new Democratic majority.

Previous Point-Counterpoints: Culture Wars, Government Policy

Bush looks to groundhog for Iran intelligence estimate

President to obtain critical information from omniscient creature

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PENNSYLVANIA

President Bush honored Groundhog Day on Friday as he travelled to Punxsutawney, Pennyslvania, in order to consult in high-level intelligence briefings with Phil, the famous groundhog. On the agenda were sensitive materials concerning Iran's nuclear program, weapons of mass destruction, and the continuing War on Terror.

The President was expected to use the groundhog's intelligence predictions as a basis for upcoming diplomatic and military moves against the breakaway, isolated Republic that has brazenly proclaimed its right to develop nuclear technology, in the face of non-declared nuclear powers such as Israel. The omniscient animal is expected to give the President precise details about possible options in dealing with the rogue state, which Phil the groundhog has previousl named as part of the "Axis of Weasels."

It is unknown exactly what Phil the groundhog will tell the President; however, if Phil sees WMDs in Iran, it may mean another 6 years of war, some analysts have speculated. If Phil fails to see the WMDs, the war may end sooner. Sources within the White House withheld comment due to the sensitive nature of the intelligence briefing.

Lego 'Suicide Jihad' playset draws criticism

Rampant mismanagement revealed at toymaker's headquarters

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK

Lego Corporation has become embroiled in controversy recently after workers denounced internal corruption and immoral behavior among the company's ranks. Anonymous workers, who filed for whistleblower status against the toymaker, have alledged a widespread conspiracy to "corrupt and manipulate" children around the world.

According to the affadavit filed Friday, and provided exclusively to the La Rochelle Times, charges are being brought in a Danish court alledging that management in the corporation has sought to inflame tensions between Denmark and the Arab world by promoting a new line of '"Suicide Jihad" playsets. The scandal broke when one of the playsets, set to be released in summer of 2007, was circulated through e-mail and posted on the Internet. Denmark was also scandalized by the release of cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammed unfavorably, which offended many devout Muslims.

Lego officials have previously denied the charges, stating the Legos "did not discriminate on the basis of race, religion, ethnic origin, political affiliation, economic status, geographical location, education, age, nationality, gender, sexual preference, or skill level."

Although the abuse of Lego toys among consumers has long been widespread, the toymaker has never intentionally released toys with ethno-religious or pornographic themes, nor officially endorsed unethnical or immoral Lego usage.

The new charges brought by whistleblowers add a new twist to the initially sketchy accusations. It is widely expected that any future ethnically-themed playsets will not be released on the market, although they could become valuable collector's pieces. Lego officials were not immediately available for comment, although they have indicated that a statement will be released for the public age 12 and up.