Point-Counterpoint: Congressional Perks

Republican Congressman: "My being in the minority doesn't change our sexual status"

Harry Wanker (R-KY)
Representative, ranking member, House Ways & Means Committee

Oh, Mikey, Mikey. Do you remember last year, before the November elections, when you would come up to my office? Do you remember the good times we'd have, after a long day of what you liked to call "legislative masturbation" on the floor of the House? I hope you don't think that now, just because my party doesn't control the Congress any longer, that things will change between us.

You see, my lust for you is part of a longstanding Republican tradition here on Capitol hill. Whether we control the Congress or not doesn't matter, because we still have a lot of other tricks up our sleeves to get what we want. And I want you. And so I shall have you, now as before, whether you like it or not.

Curiously, I haven't seen you around since the November elections. So I'm going to give you one last chance to reconsider. I've tried instant messaging you again, calling you at home, and going to the dormitory. Hell, I even had the NSA try to dig up your dad's porn records, but they're still working on that. So I'd suggest you make the right decision here, and come back to good old Wanker, who knows what's best for you. See you soon, Mikey.

Congressional Page: "Sorry, Gramps, but I'm a Democratic butt-boy now"

Mike Ongress
Congressional Page

You're such a loser. I figured that out when I went up to your office on those cold winter nights, after a long, hard legislative session. As if I didn't know what I was doing when we'd instant message each other: you from the House floor, telling me what buttons you were pushing, and me from the pages' dorm, telling you what buttons I'd push.

But don't think for a minute that it's going to stay that way. You're yesterday's news, Gramps. It's on to bigger and better things now. The Democrats are in control, and so now it's my turn to be their butt boy for the next few years. Don't even try to get in touch with me. In fact, why don't you just resign? No one really wants you around Washington anyway.

I can't believe you had the NSA try to get our Internet records. That's ridiculous! Just because I didn't call you back? Who do you think you are? All of us pages have more control over the majority than you do now, so go back to your office and legislate yourself into irrelevance, and leave the hard work to the new Democratic majority.

Previous Point-Counterpoints: Culture Wars, Government Policy