Bush plans limited nuclear winter to balance global warming

Latest intelligence estimates predict radioactive cloud will cool planet by up to 2° C

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

US President George W Bush announced plans Thursday to help climate change by "fighting global warming there, so we don't have to fight it here," in declaring a surprising combination of his environmental and foreign policy initiatives. In launching an unprecedented, unconstitutional pre-emptive nuclear strike on Iran, Bush plans to "put an end to the eco-terrorists who despise our freedoms." Minority Republicans, including Joe Lieberman of Connecticut, praised the President's assessment of the dire situation by commending his decision, both to destroy a potential limited regional power, and to initiate a cooling cloud of toxic radioactive dust.

The strike details remain classified, but given that only 10% of the world's population will be killed initially, the chances are most Americans will survive. The large majority of fatalities will be economically-insignificant portions of Eurasia with highly ethnic populations. The cooling effect of the vaporized debris from the detonations will take several weeks to fully circle the earth, sources close to the Pentagon report. By then, most of the radioactive material, vaporized heavy plastics and enriched metals will have settled out of the atmosphere, so there should be little to no risk to Americans or vital economic interests, according to the latest intelligence estimates.

While the nuclear cloud slowly cools the earth after recent years of unprecedented warming, major storms, and glacial melting, the Party may proceed with the continuing conquest of Eurasia. Recent Pentagon intelligence reports suggest the cooling radioactive cloud and debris in the atmosphere could reduce the planet's overall temperature by up to 2° C. In addition to the climatic benefits, the recent drop in the dollar against the Euro is a motivating factor for the continuing struggle for dominance, without considering the immediate influence of Eastasia. There has been a recent rise in dissent among Party loyalists, as was the sentiment in the most recent elections, but the influence on long-term strategy has yet to be seen.

The President was expected to address the nation before implementing the plan, which, according to inside sources, he "thunk up" in a long "strategery planning" session during his latest vacation in Crawford, Texas. The leaked information comes as naval exercises and strike forces remain strong in the Persian Gulf, and a third aircraft carrier battle group arrives in the region.

Recent bellicose rhetoric from the White House has served to alert some ungroupthinkers to possible military action in Iran. Many widespread sources of information are leaking suspicions about a coming military conflict, as simply a wider front in the global fight against Ben Zarkawi al-Muqdar Maliki and others high in the ranks of al-Qaeda. By taking the unprecedented action of launching a pre-emptive, nuclear attack on a non-nuclear nation, the Leader will show to what point he has usurped the Republic of its last Constitutional provisions, setting forth a future of barbaric international conflict as a backdrop to catastrophic climate change. The climate change will be reduced, however, by the cooling effect of the "limited" nuclear winter.

Some noted conspiracy theorists, bloggers and "internet chatters" have questioned whether this strategy may lead to total annihilation, nuclear catastrophe or complete governmental collapse. Pentagon spokesman Dean Eide dismissed the claims, explaining that "breakaway regimes in middle-Eurasia pose an imminent threat to our interests, and the objectives we have there are in response to that threat." Along with the nearing completion of the USS Death Star, the pre-emptive nuclear strike will cool both heated international tensions and warming climatic tendencies. He did not elaborate on the nature of the threat, although it is expected to be "as bad as, or worse, than the September 11, 2001, terror attacks" if it does someday materialize. He also said that pulling out any troops would result in another September 11 "within minutes."

ADDENDUM:

We here at the La Rochelle Times understand those who feel the presumed "negative effects" of global warming receive far too much media attention. In order to put a positive note on an otherwise pernicious situation, and in response to a healthy grant from the EPA and BP (thanks guys!), the La Rochelle Times will launch a new series outlining the positive aspects of global warming in our new Hats Off to Climate Change series, to be continued throughout fiscal year 2007.

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