House Republicans propose mandatory witch-burning amendment

Bill would amend Constitution to require execution of ‘paganist sympathisers’

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Republican lawmakers in the House have proposed resolutions that would make the burning of witches mandatory, inside sources reported on Tuesday. The bill has already won the support of Puritans and conservative evangelicals, who widely influenced wording of the new amendment. The measure will come up for a vote in the House after next week's recess, and must be passed by two-thirds of both the House and Senate before being approved by individual state legislatures.

The final details of the bill remain uncertain at this time, but some key provisions have been outlined by Republican sponsors. The amendment would require burning of witches on the grounds of heresy, sorcery, invoking spirits, chanting mantras, scrying and general humbuggery. Moreover, classification of witches is left open to interpretation by individual communities and states. Behavior deemed to be witchcraft or "aiding and abetting paganist sympathisers" would result in arrest and detainment of the guilty parties, trial, conviction, and punishment by burning at the stake.

"We feel this amendment will restore values and morals to a corrupt and perverted America," said a co-sponsor of the bill, ranking House member Harry Wanker (R-KY). "Obviously there's going to be opposition, but I think justice will prevail here. We're in a difficult time right now, with the continuing war on the two fronts in Eurasia, and this amendment is just another way to show support for our Leader and punish those who are trying to destroy the American Way of Life."

Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) agreed, stating: "I think this bill is a monumental step forward for all of us who want to restore a sense of moral justice to America, which has been so tainted under the Democratic leadership these past few years. That is why I have given my full support to the mandatory witch-burning amendment."

The proposal has garnered little opposition on the Democrats' side of the aisle, despite their control of both houses of Congress. One House Democrat told the La Rochelle Times on the condition of anonymity that the Democrats are hesitant to be seen as soft on witch-burning, particularly given the Presidential elections that are only 81 weeks away. It is likely that many Democrats will vote in favor of the measure, even if they disagree with some or all of the amendment's provisions.

Legal Procedures

Under the new law, people who feel that "a loss, illness or death has been caused by witchcraft" can file a complaint with local or state authorities, who will issue arrest warrants against accused individuals. They will summarily stand trial before newly formed Homeland Security Tribunals, given a verdict and, if found guilty, burned at the stake within several days. To ensure swift justice, appeals are specifically prohibited during or after the witch trial process.

Interestingly, Republican legislators have added language to the bill which would permit the most modern interrogation techniques to obtain confessions, such as those used at the Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib prisons, including stress positions, waterboarding, fecal information extraction™, and others. Some of the most up-to-date techniques have also been patented by companies such as Halliburton and Kellogg Brown & Root, who are expected to win witch trial contracts once the amendment passes.

One area has yet to be hammered out in the House; the language used to define witches has thus far been extremely vague. Wanker and Sentenz have stated "anyone using witchcraft, having paganist characteristics, or their sympathisers" could be burned once the amendment is passed. Experts from Faux News Channel recently concluded that the law will allow the incineration of all those accused of witchcraft, sex crimes, drug use, political opposition and speeding.

Political maneuvering

Republicans have scoffed at suggestions the 2007 Mandatory Witch-burning Amendment (MWA) is simply political posturing for the upcoming Presidential elections. Indeed, it would appear that the MWA is part of a larger Republican agenda targeting terrorism, sex, drugs and paganist propaganda. The MWA would thus find its place alongside previous counter-terrorism, anti-pagan measures such as the Military Commissions Act of 2006 and the Patriot Act of 2001.

In the coming weeks, legislators will decide on the future of the MWA and debate the pros and cons of defending America from the growing threat of witchcraft. It is thought that a large majority of Congress will agree with taking these much needed steps, and the Leader is expected to declare his support in the coming weeks during the implementation of the latest Three Year Plan.