House Republicans propose mandatory witch-burning amendment
La Lune de la presse internationale
The final details of the bill remain uncertain at this time, but some key provisions have been outlined by Republican sponsors. The amendment would require burning of witches on the grounds of heresy, sorcery, invoking spirits, chanting mantras, scrying and general humbuggery. Moreover, classification of witches is left open to interpretation by individual communities and states. Behavior deemed to be witchcraft or "aiding and abetting paganist sympathisers" would result in arrest and detainment of the guilty parties, trial, conviction, and punishment by burning at the stake.
"We feel this amendment will restore values and morals to a corrupt and perverted America," said a co-sponsor of the bill, ranking House member Harry Wanker (R-KY). "Obviously there's going to be opposition, but I think justice will prevail here. We're in a difficult time right now, with the continuing war on the two fronts in Eurasia, and this amendment is just another way to show support for our Leader and punish those who are trying to destroy the American Way of Life."
Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) agreed, stating: "I think this bill is a monumental step forward for all of us who want to restore a sense of moral justice to America, which has been so tainted under the Democratic leadership these past few years. That is why I have given my full support to the mandatory witch-burning amendment."
The proposal has garnered little opposition on the Democrats' side of the aisle, despite their control of both houses of Congress. One House Democrat told the La Rochelle Times on the condition of anonymity that the Democrats are hesitant to be seen as soft on witch-burning, particularly given the Presidential elections that are only 81 weeks away. It is likely that many Democrats will vote in favor of the measure, even if they disagree with some or all of the amendment's provisions.
Interestingly, Republican legislators have added language to the bill which would permit the most modern interrogation techniques to obtain confessions, such as those used at the Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib prisons, including stress positions, waterboarding, fecal information extraction™, and others. Some of the most up-to-date techniques have also been patented by companies such as Halliburton and Kellogg Brown & Root, who are expected to win witch trial contracts once the amendment passes.
One area has yet to be hammered out in the House; the language used to define witches has thus far been extremely vague. Wanker and Sentenz have stated "anyone using witchcraft, having paganist characteristics, or their sympathisers" could be burned once the amendment is passed. Experts from Faux News Channel recently concluded that the law will allow the incineration of all those accused of witchcraft, sex crimes, drug use, political opposition and speeding.
In the coming weeks, legislators will decide on the future of the MWA and debate the pros and cons of defending America from the growing threat of witchcraft. It is thought that a large majority of Congress will agree with taking these much needed steps, and the Leader is expected to declare his support in the coming weeks during the implementation of the latest Three Year Plan.