Latest Bin Laden video threatens Americans with 'widespread obesity'

BREAKING NEWS ...

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

ISLAMADRINK, PAKISTAN

The most recent video from notorious American-hater Osama Bin Laden, released on an unknown and unverifiable militant Islamic website, and provided exclusively to the La Rochelle Times, threatens Americans with widespread obesity. Bin Laden, speaking in Arabic, stated that Americans "will feel the weight of Allah" as they struggle to maintain their ideal body-mass indexes in the face of unprecedented corpulence.

"We will show the American infidels what it is to be fat," said Bin Laden. "They who take our lands, and destroy our homes, and kill our children, and take our petroleum, shall find that they will suffer from the wrath of Allah. May their cellulose be a burden on their souls, if Allah wish it so."

It was unclear from the message, translated by La Rochelle Times terrorism experts, how exactly Bin Laden expects to inflict such widespread and uncontrollable obesity. Some theories include a militant Islamic takeover of the fast food industry, which would then be pumped full of trans-fats, animal oils and high fructose corn syrup, in an effort to perturb Americans' waistlines.

Some have speculated that al-Qaeda has already infiltrated the American food supply, and is responsible for the recent e-coli outbreaks tied to spinach as well as the Taco Bell food chain. The La Rochelle Times will continue to follow this story as it develops.