Poll: Most Americans hiding in basement

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

ATLANTA, GEORGIA

A new La Rochelle Times survey conducted the week of December 18, 2006, revealed that the overwhelming majority of Americans are currently hiding in their basements. The astonishing results overturned previous assumptions that Americans were either cowering under the sheets or sleeping on the couch.

In a random sampling of 1,000 US adults, the La Rochelle Times showed, 68% of Americans responded positively to the question: "Are you currently hiding in the basement?" Although the survey did not expound on the reasons for such ubiquitous cowardliness, La Rochelle Times analysts have concluded that the main reasons include fear, self-depreciation or anti-social tendencies.

Approximately three-quarters of those surveyed are assumed to be cowering in fear, with the remaining quarter about evenly divided between the self-loathing and anti-social crowds. Moreover, experts contend that some may be cowering in fear while at the same time despising themselves and trying to flee outside social contacts.

The results of the survey were as follows:

"Are you currently ...

... reading?" 2%

... cowering under the sheets?" 6%

... eating?" 10%

... hiding in the basement?" 68%

... contacting your government Representatives?" 1%

... sleeping on the couch?" 4%

... defecating in utter fear and/or anticipation?" 8%

Margin of error is at least +/- 25%. Poll is not scientifically valid in Arkansas, Montana, Nebraska, Vermont or Utah.