BREAKING: Tragedy in Virginia

Bush gives military recruitment speech at Virginia Tech

'We need to send exemplary student assassins such as these to fight the terrorists,' President says

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

BLACKSBURG, VIRGINIA

President Bush travelled to the scene of the massacre at Virginia Tech on Tuesday to deliver a speech urging anyone with violent and suicidal tendencies to "join the fight against Al-Qaeda" and "sign up today for a tour in Iraq or Afghanistan." The President's announcement was intended to give peace to victims' families and at the same time make use of America's estranged and troubled youth by sending them overseas, where they would pose no threat to Americans.

"I urge anyone with tendencies such as we've seen here, like aloneness, violency and suicideship, to join our forces today. The terrorists hate our freedoms, but this tragedrey shows us that some Americans are expressing their anger in ways that are unacceptable to democracy," the President declared Tuesday. "We need to send exemplary student assassins such as these to fight the terrorists overseas, where they can help America's foreign policy," the President continued. "Together with the Congress, I intend to exploit this tragedy to the maximum extent possible in order to mask my previously flawed policy decisions."

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Republicans thrilled most recent national tragedy cannot be blamed directly on them

'This is truly a historic day for our party,' says GOP Congressman

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Republicans across America rejoiced Wednesday when they realized that the latest tragedy at Virginia Tech could not be blamed directly on them. GOP Spokesman Hal Atosis explained that the Republican National Committee was "thrilled that this one wasn't direclty our fault" and that it "gives us hope of bipartisan support for American decline."

"This is truly a historic day for our party," said Senator Harry Wetback (R-KY) on Wednesday. "For the first time in years, no one can point the finger directly at us and say, 'You did this.' Although some say that we could have passed stricter legislation against automatic weapons and all that, obviously this was uniquely the fault of a lone-wolf terrorist, and not the weapons themselves. This is why we need to support continuing legislative initiatives such as the Patriot Act, so that we can watch these violent types and unsuccessfully attempt to stop them before they act."

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Report: Student assassin was human

Candice Maistaille
La revue psychologique internationale

Contrary to previous unsourced reports, the La Rochelle Times has learned that the shooter at Virginia Tech was indeed a member of the human species. Experts confirmed on Wednesday the initial reports that the assassin had all the regular features of a human being, including physical and emotional similarities to the other 6.5 billion humans living on Earth.

"We were disturbed to find that this was the result of a human being," said local forensic expert Paul Bearer. "I think initially everyone thought this was the work of a cyborg or some other type of non-human, terminator-like entity. Of course we thought perhaps there could have been mind control involved as well. Unfortunately, the perpetrator of these horrible acts turned out to be just another human being."