Multi-millionaire falls short of billionaire status by 25 cents

Investor depressed after being a quarter short of world's wealthiest

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

ASPEN, COLORADO

Multi-millionaire Rich "Dick" Prickardson was stunned to learn late Friday that he missed being added to the list of the world's wealthiest investors after his total net worth was estimated at only 999,999,999.75 US dollars. The well-to-do investor missed the billionaire cutoff by a mere twenty-five cents, and will have to wait until March 2008 before his wealth can again be tallied.

"I'm devastated, you know, I'm really truly disheartened. My whole life I've worked to accumulate more and more wealth, only to fall short by a quarter," Prickardson told the La Rochelle Times yesterday. "Obviously this is a big blow to the family. I don't think I should consider myself an abject failure, but that's certainly the way I feel right now."

The highly regarded investor has appealed to local charities and organisations to donate as much as possible to his billionaire relief fund, the Rich Dick Prickardson Society, established shortly after he received the devastating news. Prickardson has asked "anyone and everyone" to contribute "anything, even a few dollars," to his relief fund so that he will make billionaire status by next March.

The rankings, which establish the who's who of the world's wealthiest, are expected to include the usual suspects such as Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and other investment moguls. Moreover, the 2007 list will be flooded with new billionaire investors from Halliburton and Kellogg Brown & Root, as the trickle-down economic benefits of the wars in Eurasia are passed on to investors through no-bid government contracts.

"This has really been a great year for the billionaire's list," said Colin Dacronies, a Department of Defense employee who has personally awarded many of the contracts to his associates and friends in return for financial, bureaucratic and sexual favors. "I feel truly blessed to be a part of this no-bid contract system which has done so much to boost the upper ranks of our economy. Truly, all Americans should be proud of our work today, even if a few unfortunate investors like Dick Prickardson didn't quite make the list. Once we get started in Iran in a few weeks I'm sure he'll get some new contracts from us."

Family and friends reported that Prickardson was "depressed but hopeful for the future," and that they expected his mood to brighten once he returned to counting his cash assets on Monday.