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Thursday, August 2, 2007

Bush: 'We're at war with gravity'

Government agencies declare war against downward momentum in response to Wednesday's tragic bridge collapse

Ken Ustandet
La Lune de la presse internationale


President Bush announced early Thursday that the United States would prevail in the newly launched "War on Gravity," which the President intends to fight "anywhere and everywhere gravity may hide." In response to the tragic collapse of the Interstate 35W bridge in Minneapolis Wednesday evening, government agencies reacted quickly to formulate a response that would counteract gravity's latest attacks against the vulnerable homeland.

"My administration and me intend to do anything I can to stop these evil acts of downward aggression," the President said during his announcement at the White House. "I've been talking with my advisors, and we think we have a pretty good idea where these gravity-based forces might be hiding. The American people need to know I'm going to do everything in my power to stop these evil forces before they act again."

The Department of Homeland Security followed up on the President's announcement by stating that excessive gravitational forces would be sought out and destroyed throughout the country. Anyone caught "aiding or abetting" the gravitational pull of the earth could be subject to secret CIA imprisonment and newly improved interrogation methods. "We intend to use gravity as a tool to fight the War on Gravity," said one expert. "Don't think for a minute that we don't know how to use gravity to get answers from those that may seek to protect these evil physical forces."

Some critics argued that the crisis should be handled on a more local level. Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty had not yet reacted to the President's statements on Thursday, but some analysts predict that as a result of the bridge collapse Minnesota could choose to invade a neighboring state, such as Wisconsin, Iowa or South Dakota, in order to stop gravity's advancing threat in the region. Others suggested that the state take extraordinary measures, such as detaining citizens without probable cause, repealing any and all civil rights, and authorizing widespread wiretapping of citizens, to thwart any future gravity-driven tragedies.

Around the state reaction was mixed.

"This is what happens when you elect a Muslim to Congress," said Ari Minder, a Minneapolis resident who was referring to Keith Ellison (D-MN), the first openly Muslim Congressman.

"We felt this coming," said another man. "Gravity has been after us for years, but we won't let it get us down."


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