Increased incarceration of citizens to reduce dependency on foreign oil

'More behind bars, fewer in cars,' say experts

Ken Ustandet
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Citizens' Organization for National Security (CONS) urged lawmakers to pass more restrictive and draconian laws after the August 2007 recess, in order to dramatically increase the incarceration rates across the nation. The group claims in its latest report entitled Jailing America: The Road to Foreign Energy Independence that incarcerating more of the American population would decrease domestic reliance on oil imports.

"Right now the United States has about 2 million people incarcerated, or about 1% of the adult population," said Noah Paulajese, a spokesman for CONS. "What we're advocating is a much higher rate, along the lines of 20 to 30%. By locking up nearly a third of all American citizens, we can begin to reduce fuel usage, as these people will no longer be part of the active workforce. Their collective isolation from society will decrease energy consumption, by allowing the state to mandate their living conditions."

Paulajese further explained that Congress must act now to pass brand new rigorous and frivolous laws that would criminalize most, if not all, everyday behavior. Law enforcement officials could then begin detaining larger percentages of citizens, whose demand for energy would consequenty be removed from markets.

In the report, CONS suggested laws criminalizing behaviors such as excessively loud snoring, direct eye contact between members of the same sex, and overt yawning. Previously some conservative states have tried to adopt such measures, only to see support weaken among their human citizens. The CONS report is the first effort to advocate such legislation on a federal level.

Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) applauded the report early Thursday. "Frankly, it's about time we had a real discussion in this country about behavior that threatens our national security on a daily basis. I think linking our nation's safety with a smart energy policy is the best step forward, and I welcome this report from CONS, as I'm sure any patriotic American does.

"It's high time we took a stand against these horrible criminal acts," Sentenz continued. "I urge my colleagues to heed our words now, before it's too late. Last year alone, excessive snoring accounted for more than half of all national sleep loss, and those numbers are only going up. According to a recent government study, eye contact between members of the same sex has been observed in nearly every homosexual relationship. We need to put a stop to this before it destroys our families, our homes, and our children's future."

Some international oil companies were cautious after the release of the CONS report Wednesday, explaining that incarcerating too many Americans could bite into their profit margins.

"We need to be careful about how we go about these meaures," said BP spokesman Tony Blair. "I think most people accept a certain percentage of incarcerated Americans, maybe even as high as five percent, but taking things too far could erode the free market economy on which America so depends."

Republicans are expected to sway most Democratic lawmakers by September, when new laws will be quickly enacted in order to allow the Department of Homeland Security and other, privatized police forces to begin rounding up outlaws throughout the nation. The resulting boom in the prison population would have benefits for the economy as well, creating jobs in the corrections and law enforcement sectors. New prison construction is also expected to offset the declining housing market.

Senator Phil Abusder (D-MI) was among the first to cross party lines and embrace the new policy suggestions on Thursday. At a press conference in Michigan the Senator explained that "adopting a higher incarceration rate would reduce a lot of the side effects of our dependency on foreign energy, and would help the economy by keeping down wages and unemployment. I intend to support whatever laws are needed to put a larger percentage of my constituents behind bars, and I hope all Democrats who love America will do the same."