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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

House of Cards Financial may need government bailout

Firm seeks loan of $230 trillion

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Directors of House of Cards Financial Corporation appealed to government officials Wednesday to help them out of a funding quagmire with secured loans of 230 trillion dollars (180 trillion Euros). Legislators will soon hear testimony from HOC employees who manage the global financial assets of absolutely everyone either directly or through off-the-books, indirect market manipulation.

"Unfortunately we've recently noticed that some of our balance sheet assets have lost significant value, thus leading to our demand for government intervention," explained CEO Dick Wead on FOX Radio News. "Of course this wasn't really our first choice, but with the situation being as unstable as it is, we felt we should get a piece of the bailout pie while the oven was still hot, so to speak."

The sum, while not unheard of, is large by Washington's standards.

"The government bailout of $800 billion won't quite be enough to cover these losses," explained analyst Loana Bunchemoore. "In fact, a trillion is more than a billion, which means in all probabilty the government will actually have to provide more money. We could imagine it being an exponential factor of about 23, but we'll see what lawmakers decide."

The Federal Reserve has not yet commented on the House of Cards debacle, but insiders say some bankers have expressed slight discomfort in private conversations.

"It makes people uneasy, this situation," explained Federal Funds Director Rick O'Shea in a telephone call with the La Rochelle Times. "Bankers know something must be done to prop up the House of Cards Financial organization, but for the moment they're reluctant to take concrete steps."

Some critics of the government bailout have suggested letting the House of Cards situation play out, by simply letting the company fail.

"The free market always works itself out," said local Pastor Neil Downe. "If it's bankrupt, let 'er fail, cause I got my gold stashed away and there ain't no system better than freedom. The Lord will provide."


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