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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Participants in honesty study accused of lying

Researchers dismayed by 'bullshit' answers from 'totally immature retards'

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale


People selected to participate in a psychological study about honesty have been accused of lying on the survey questions, researchers announced Wednesday at a press conference at the University of Wisconsin. The researchers went on to state that they now fear for the future of humanity and have mostly succumbed to hopelessness and deep depression.

"We thought our research could finally shed some light onto how the human mind behaves in regard to honesty in human relations," said psychologist Sharon Keryn Love, who helped lead the study. "But now we're just like, my God, how did we humans even get this far in the first place, you know?"

The research questions, which several hundred people answered, were declared a total waste of time and effort by the researchers, many of whom called in sick to the press conference. It became apparent to them that the results had been skewed when they profiled their participants according to their self-reported characteristics.

98,8% of the male participants described themselves as being tall, tan and/or African-American, wealthy and well-endowed sports stars with eight-figure bank accounts. Females polled were 93,6% blond, ideal-weight and well-bosomed super models who had husbands with eight-figure bank accounts, or who had recently divorced professional sports players with eight-figure bank accounts.

"After we saw those results we all thought, 'you know, this is bullshit,'" said an emotional Love to reporters. "This totally sucks. You do all this work to get some good information and have to deal with this type of crap. Our lives and our work are apparently meaningless and these participants are just totally immature retards."

Some of the researchers have publicly expressed a desire to regroup and refocus their efforts, after taking some time off to spend with family. However, privately they say that as the lowest common denominator continues to plummet, finding honest participants for a study about honesty will prove to be more and more challenging.


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