"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand the idea of subatomic particles that make up the basic building blocks of quantum mechanics underlying the innate vibrational nature of matter itself."

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Double Rainbow Guy to be given own cable television network

Double Rainbow Channel will feature 24-hour broadcasts of spin-offs from famous footage

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale


Paul "Hungry Bear" Vasquez, who acheived fame from his viral "double rainbow" Youtube video, has been offered his very own 24-hour cable channel in a newly announced partnership between Microsoft, Fox News, MSNBC, CBS, Intel and JP Morgan Bank. The Internet hippie-turned-superstar has reportedly been negotiating a 3-year, $39 million deal that will allow TV viewers to discover all of the various clips, remixes and other related videos on one cable channel. Vasquez is expected to be the main commentator, using his trademarked style to provoke insightful dialogue about different video creations for a dumbed-down target audience.

"We felt this was a great opportunity to take an everyday guy who saw an incredible natural phenomenon, and reacted to it with the excitement and exaltation typical of someone in touch with his mind, body and soul, and subsequently turn it into a non-intellectual, profit-making advertising venture on television," said Fox News Corporation's Hugh Briss. "We really hope viewers will put aside their silly ideas of sustainable agriculture, off-the-grid living and environmentalism in favor of our pro-corporate, pro-capitalist propaganda that will soon be broadcast twenty-four hours a day."

Vasquez has not commented on the deal, however insiders say there is a strong chance he may accept it since the recession has driven the average cost of a human soul down to under $8,000. He is a self-proclaimed environmentalist, growing his own vegetables and raising his own livestock while living "off the grid."

Through the Freedom of Information Act the La Rochelle Times has obtained FBI documents which show Vasquez has not been charged with thoughtcrime although he was initially investigated for freethinking when he drew attention to himself with his video in January, 2010.

"Man that would be awesome to have a Double Rainbow Channel," said longtime cable television viewer Ollie Niedze. "I mean, I hate having to press the buttons on my computer [to watch videos]. It's so much easier to be lazy in front of the TV, you know in a totally non-interactive sort of way."

Critics of the offer have stated that such a channel would simply be exploiting someone's amazement and curiosity when encountering the natural wonders of our planet and universe. They maintain that the video went viral because many people recognized the incredible beauty and awe inherent in the creation of our Earth and the amazing phenomenae within nature that may never be fully understood.

"I have never heard so much bullshit in one sentence," retorted Fox's Hugh Briss. "This is a marketing gold mine. This is every TV producer's wet dream. Vasquez needs to come join these media conglomerates now so he can capitalize on this action, before he's washed up and unpopular. I'd give him about another three to five days. After that, it's anybody's guess."

The La Rochelle Times has made the following clips available to readers who have not yet seen them, as samples of what the new Double Rainbow Channel programming could feature:

And finally, the Fort Boyard French television version:


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