Latest Wikileaks cable reveals Santa not real

World leaders refuse to comment about release of confidential information

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

LONDON, ENGLAND

The terrorist organisation Wikileaks released classified diplomatic cables on Friday that revealed previously unknown details about the existence of Santa Claus. According to the documents, the legendary Christmas gift-giver is merely a legend passed down from generation to generation, but he does not actually exist. Governments around the world have been aware of the fact for decades, the leaked documents show. In spite of this, they have actively tried to promote public belief in Santa Claus year after year.

Wikileaks member Noah Paul Ajeez had strong words for world leaders after the documents were released.

"Here we have proof that our elected representatives have been actively promoting a narrative that they knew to be false. Clearly they could not ignore the fact Santa Claus wasn't real, and yet they continued to indoctrinate their youngest and most vulnerable citizens with this fable of a man who delivers presents to all good children by coming down the chimney at night."

Citizens around the world have expressed surprise at the revelations. However certain conspiracy theorists had affirmed for years that Santa Claus was indeed just a myth.

"I started becoming suspicious when I calculated the time required to deliver gifts in one night. It seemed somewhat difficult to accomplish based on our modern understanding of physics. Also, I became skeptical upon realizing that our house doesn't have a chimney and yet we still received gifts from Santa," said fourth grader Ben Lernen.

One of the cables from the Moscow embassy produced damning evidence for a cover-up of the non-existence of Santa Claus.

EMBASSY MOSCOW, DECEMBER 2001 RUSSIAN LEADERS HAVE CONFIRMED AFTER SATELLITE IMAGERY OF KAMCHATKA AND SIBERIA WAS COMPLETED THAT THERE IS NO KNOWN LOCATION FOR SANTA'S WORKSHOP.

ALL EVIDENCE NOW POINTS TO SANTA CLAUS BEING FICTICIOUS. THIS INFORMATION COULD BE DANGEROUS IF MADE PUBLIC.

TOMORROW PRESIDENT BUSH WILL BE INSTRUCTED BY HANDLERS TO SIGN EXECUTIVE ORDER 11920. PLAN TO MAINTAIN OFFICIAL PUBLIC STORY AS PROMOTING THE EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUS WILL GO FORWARD.

CITIZENS MUST NOT BECOME AWARE OF PROOF THAT SANTA CLAUS DOES NOT EXIST AS THIS COULD CAUSE A LOSS OF FAITH IN AUTHORITIES.

The La Rochelle Times was not successful at obtaining any comments from world leaders after the cable was leaked today.