US vows to enforce freedom in Libya with prolonged military occupation

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

TRIPOLI, LIBYA

With growing unrest throughout the Middle East due to the increasing price of Apple products, the situation in Libya has become worrying for Washington. Thousands of civilians are already reported dead as the country falls into the grips of a bitter civil conflict that could last months or years.

"Best to get involved now, rather than later," says military expert Roger Datt. "The US has a long history of getting involved in civil wars, either through direct military intervention or through backdoor clandestine funding of rebel factions. This has historically worked out well."

White House spokesman Tad Strange spoke on behalf of the Obama Administration at a press conference Monday morning.

"All options are on the table. Let it also be noted that the Pentagon has supplied the table for today's press conference. We are ready to incite peace in Libya, if need be. If the Libyans will only understand the peaceful ring of freedom through the explosion of American-made Lockheed-Martin laser-guided missiles outside their bedroom windows, then we are ready to take it to the next level. We are deeply committed to making the Libyans understand what they're missing."

Operation Neverending Quagmire could begin as early as yesterday afternoon in order to bring about the total and unconditional submission of the largely inferior and poorly-armed Libyan forces. According to internal sources, the surgical strikes and precision military maneuvers will make quick work of any opposition and set the country on the path to freedom and democracy "within a few hours." The stage will then be set for phase two of Neverending Quagmire, which will likely last anywhere from three to eighty-seven years, involving constant but totally uninteresting military occupation of the country's oil fields.

American investors, hungry for profits in a downtrodden domestic economy, are also eager to pour money into military and industrial techonologies that could be used to enforce freedom and necessitate democracy in the arbitrarily-created boundaries of this coincidentally oil-rich North African country.

"This will be great for my stock portfolio," said financial analyst and investor Bysom Moore. "Boy I sure hope they go through with this enforcing freedom thing. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq just aren't cutting it for my profit margin any more."

A resident of Tripoli, Albi al-Reit, told the La Rochelle Times during a phone interview that the United States should stay out of Libya's internal affairs, and that the country needed to work through this difficult time without the interference of major world political powers. "We could really use some bottled water, medical supplies and other necessities," he said before the line went dead. Further attempts to contact al-Reit were unsuccessful.