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Monday, April 4, 2011

Strains of ADHD, PTSD combine to form mutant Post-Traumatic Attention-Deficit Hyperactive-Stress Disorder

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale


Doctors held an urgent press conference Monday to alert the public to a mutant strain, dubbed PTADHSD, that has developed after Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder combined unexpectedly.

The spread of the mutant form is problematic, since it causes its victims to have multiple hallucinations while not being able to pay attention to any of them for more than a few seconds. During the episodes victims often sweat profusely while running in circles, sometimes called "doing flashback laps" by industry experts. When this is finished, doctors have noticed, victims are often traumatized by the episodes which can lead to further onset of PTADHSD as a vicious cycle ensues.

"This is the mother of all disorders," said Dr. Noah Poinment. "Normally patients with ADHD or PTSD are already dealing with a lot. Now we have the two combining to create this type of super-disease which we are just going to have to fight with more and more prescription medications.

"We really hope to treat the symptoms of this disease. Obviously finding the root causes is much less important, since that would simply lead us down a dangerous path of calling many of our fundamental societal values into question. So since that can't be done, we intend to prescribe our way to health by working with the drug companies to find a costly short-term cure."

It is not currently understood exactly how the disease is contracted or transmitted. Some fringe alternative-medicine groups have postulated that people who exhibit mindless consumption, psychopathic tendencies for personal gain and dedication to the status quo may be more at risk, although mainstream doctors dismiss this theory.

Pharmaceutical companies rejoiced at the news Monday afternoon, however, as they scrambled to ramp up production of existing treatments. Plans are in the works to develop more patented drugs that consumers will be forced to buy at inflated prices, thereby helping the companies' bottom lines.

"This will be great for our shareholders and the board of directors," said Robert Trezurie, executive marketing strategist for the pharmaceutical maker Perplexia. "Everyone who is important is positively affected by today's freak discovery."

Drug makers and doctors hope to have a profitable cure for PTADHSD within the next several hours.


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