Feline unemployment tops 96%

Government agencies vow to put 'lazy fat cats' to work

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

A spokesman for the Department of Labor Statistics announced late Monday that feline unemployment numbers had recently surpassed 96%, with more than 19 out of 20 American cats out of work. The devastating statistics come at a time of economic uncertainty in the United States, as banks and brokers continue to pound equities, metals and commodities markets in order to pilfer every remaining dime from the average layperson, the La Rochelle Times has learned.

"We have recently witnessed an unprecedented decrease in the number of jobs for felines," said the US Labor Department's Xavier Selvze. "Most of these cats sit around all day. They display no sense of urgency or motivation, they lack objectives and they are clearly disorganized. The only things that seem to motivate these creatures is the food which they either scavenge in nature or obtain through dependency relationships with others."

The government's goal is to create new, dynamic workplace environments in order to give proper motivation to these unemployed and often overweight felines.

"We intend to put these lazy fat cats to work," continued Selvze. "Enough of this sitting around all day. Do you realize some of these creatures sleep sixteen hours a day? This is unprecedented and totally unacceptable."

The few cats that have enjoyed continued employment have often been engaged in laboratory experiments and scientific work, Selvze said. The government intends to increase tax incentives for corporations that use feline labor, thus encouraging companies to include an increasing number of cats in the work force. An overwhelming majority of the currently employed are involved in the cosmetics and pharmaceutical businesses, Selvze explained.

"In an ideal world, we'd like to see these numbers decrease to about fifteen or twenty percent," Selvze explained. "Most cats know they should be doing more with their lives. They really lack an overall sense of purpose. It's as if they feel entitled to exist in nature without contributing to our economic system. We're dedicated to changing that."