Economy: Cheaper souls result of hellish recession, says Satan
Alex TerrieurLa Lune de la presse internationale
HELL, OUTER DARKNESS
Lucifer's latest commentary on the economy has revealed that a hellish recession has reduced the average price of a human soul, which has also been confirmed by government statistics released yesterday. The befallen archangel has reportedly been overjoyed at the number of previously uncorrupted individuals who have succumbed to greed and debauchery, willingly selling their otherwise heaven-bound entities for whimsical earthly pleasure in a time of economic distress.
"The decline in morals and personal convictions pleases me greatly," said Lucifer in a conference call with the La Rochelle Times.
"Never before have I had so much ease in conquering what was once the domain of the just and divine through the intrepid use of deceit and temptation," he continued.
"It is clearly due to this most recent recession, beginning with the subprime mortage crisis in 2007, that I have enjoyed such great success and advancement in my subtle takeover of the human race. The parallels are clear as I yearn for a continued and prolonged economic downturn in order to turn a maximum number of precious and unwitting human souls to the evil and corrupted debauchery of the underworld," stated the devil.
According to US Department of Labor statistics, the average price of a human soul has dropped a whopping 28% since 2007, averaging now about $8,300. The all-time high price for a soul in the United States was reached in 1944 at nearly $28,000 when adjusted for inflation.
The high came during the Second World War, when souls were cheaper in foreign countries and Americans were less bound to greed and corruption due to their patriotic fervor and dedication to the war effort.
Now, with soul prices falling off drastically and many Americans endebted with no source of income, Satan has succeeded in driving the average cost of a soul down significantly.
"I find all types of individuals who will give themselves to me eternally for an increasingly trivial sum," said Satan. "This pleases me to no end."
Calls to divine Christian authorities for comment were unanswered as of Thursday.
"The decline in morals and personal convictions pleases me greatly," said Lucifer in a conference call with the La Rochelle Times.
"Never before have I had so much ease in conquering what was once the domain of the just and divine through the intrepid use of deceit and temptation," he continued.
"It is clearly due to this most recent recession, beginning with the subprime mortage crisis in 2007, that I have enjoyed such great success and advancement in my subtle takeover of the human race. The parallels are clear as I yearn for a continued and prolonged economic downturn in order to turn a maximum number of precious and unwitting human souls to the evil and corrupted debauchery of the underworld," stated the devil.
According to US Department of Labor statistics, the average price of a human soul has dropped a whopping 28% since 2007, averaging now about $8,300. The all-time high price for a soul in the United States was reached in 1944 at nearly $28,000 when adjusted for inflation.
The high came during the Second World War, when souls were cheaper in foreign countries and Americans were less bound to greed and corruption due to their patriotic fervor and dedication to the war effort.
Now, with soul prices falling off drastically and many Americans endebted with no source of income, Satan has succeeded in driving the average cost of a soul down significantly.
"I find all types of individuals who will give themselves to me eternally for an increasingly trivial sum," said Satan. "This pleases me to no end."
Calls to divine Christian authorities for comment were unanswered as of Thursday.
posted by Monsieur le Professeur @ 10:10 PM
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