"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand the idea of subatomic particles that make up the basic building blocks of quantum mechanics underlying the innate vibrational nature of matter itself."

Monday, August 27, 2012

Beverage Companies to Begin Drilling for High-Fructose Corn Syrup

Summer Drought Requires 'Other Sources,' Says Industry

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale


With the severe drought of 2012 responsible for a recent sudden increase in corn prices, beverage producers have announced they will begin exploration for underground reserves of high fructose corn syrup to stave off shortages in the future.

Expecting a largely-diminished corn crop at the end of this season, investors and producers are scrambling to find other sources of the sweet syrup in order to make sure carbonated beverage production is not reduced and Americans' waistlines are not unduly affected, sources told the La Rochelle Times.

"We expect a dramatic increase in prices due to the reduced harvest," said industry spokesman Grant Wisch. "It's only logical to begin looking for other sources elsewhere. It worked for oil and gas, so we figure we may as well try it too."

State and regional authorities are jubilant about the financial opportunities that the new drilling will present, the La Rochelle Times has learned. Beverage companies are willing to dole out large campaign contributions and large, lump-sum bribes in order to have access to prime drilling sites.

"We sort of doubt they'll find anything, but they're willing to pay for it, so we figure a little healthy exploration isn't going to hurt anybody," said a local mayor in drought-stricken Southern Kansas. "Everybody just needs to make sure to continue to support the beverage industry through the unmitigated and unrestrained impulse purchases of sugary carbonated drinks."

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Armstrong stripped of seven Space Race titles

Apollo program marred by doping allegations

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Astronaut Neil Armstrong, who was up until now officially the first man to walk on the surface of the Moon, was posthumously stripped yesterday of all seven of his Moon Landing titles due to doping charges and continuing controversy about the authenticity of official records. By default the first man on the Moon now becomes Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin, who as of yet has been cleared of any illicit doping activity during the 1969 Apollo 11 mission. Armstrong, who simultaneously passed away yesterday at the age of 82, was not expected to contest the decision.

Years of behind-the-scenes controversy preceded today's announcement, NASA sources reported. There have been allegations surrounding doping, physical inconsistencies and footage tampering of the landings from NASA outsiders for decades. However, no consensus has become clear as to the veracity of the possible conspiracy. There was enough evidence, however, to strip Armstrong of his titles based on evidence of doping while in space.

Public reaction was divided as news of the sanctions was announced through mainstream media outlets.

"I can't believe it," said Houston resident Alma Faithe Faydes. "It's just such a shock after all these years, because Armstrong was just such a legend around here. You know, whenever there'd be a Space Race we'd always expect Armstrong to win for the United States. But now, it's like we have to ask if it was just a cruel propaganda stunt. It's unbelievable."

Other citizens thought the decision was handed down fairly.

"The Space Race is anybody's game. At least today we have shown that cheating to get to the Moon first will no longer be tolerated, even if the Moon does belong to the United States," said a Dallas businessman, Juan Tim Bezzle. "It's a hard knock for Armstrong for sure, but he shouldn't have gone to the Moon if he needed to use illegal substances in order to reach an extraterrestrial body, even if it is contained by the Earth's gravity."

Armstrong's titles will be officially transferred in the coming weeks, one for each of the seven Apollo Moon landings. Despite his extensive collaboration with NASA, Stanley Kubrick was unavailable to comment on the decision. The La Rochelle Times will continue to follow the story as it develops.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Robotic Monarch to Replace Queen Elizabeth II as British Head of State

New indestructible 'Krown Jules' shall govern automatically

Howie Dewitt
La Lune de la presse internationale


The British Crown announced late Friday that they are preparing for a transition to an automated system of monarchy in the coming years. A new robotic monarch, quaintly named 'Krown Jules,' will take the reigns of power from Queen Elizabeth II and help transition the British public to a more modern system of robotic, automated governance, authorities told the La Rochelle Times.

"We expect this new monarch to be able to hold the throne for the next two or three thousand years, perhaps longer, depending on our replacement parts," said Embassy spokesman Darren Deeds. "It's the logical replacement for the current Queen, to whom we owe our gratitude for allowing us to be such loyal subjects during these last sixty or so years. But frankly, the line of succession is a nightmare. The princes have a lot of baggage, so we figure it will just be easier to make everything automated at this point. Krown Jules is a great solution to all of this."

Making current monarchs redundant has received some popular support, but the remaining human royals will be guaranteed large pensions and comfortable living arrangements, "at least for as long as we can keep the British people subjugated," said Deeds.

The automation process goes along with the increasing surveillance state apparatus being put in place across the United Kingdom.

"It's only logical that we would have a robotic monarch, what with all the security cameras, Internet surveillance, facial recognition techniques and what have you," said London resident Chuck Eupharlie.

"I personally support any and all curtailment of my personal freedoms and liberties in order to feel safer, and this just confirms that our useless, outdated and totally symbolic head of state will better conform to that image."

Krown Jules is expected to be able to perform all of the regular functions of a Head of State, including shaking hands, being visible and appearing to be an authority figure.

The coronation ceremony will be announced in the near future, but Londoners and their pocketbooks are expected to be given some time to recover from the Queen's Jubilee Celebration and the Summer Olympics before further tax and price increases, budget restrictions and governmental changes can be enacted.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

NASA Rover Accosted by Martian Protesters

Extraterrestrials demand immediate withdrawal of US probe

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


An angry mob of rioting Martians surrounded the NASA Curiosity probe this morning in a clear gesture of interplanetary discontent. The group of resident red planet dwellers demanded an immediate return of the probe, which is currently conducting missions on the Martian surface.

"We are sick and tired of being probed," said one exasperated Martian. "This is all wrong, it should be the other way around. We are the more advanced life form. Hasn't anyone seen a Science Fiction film from the 1950's?"

The NASA probe is currently gathering data in preparation for China's construction of its first Martian factory before the end of the year.

Other extraterrestrial colonies were unavailable for comment, but it can be presumed that they are still upset from the derogatory and obsequious designation given to their planetary and solar systems.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Julian Assange will receive conjugal visits at Ecuadorian embassy on condition of sex partners' pressing charges afterwards

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


According to sources close to the British government, Julian Assange, the Swedish founder of Wikileaks who is expected to remain holed up in the Ecuadorian embassy in London, will be able to receive conjugal visits to keep him busy during the coming years of reclusion. All of his sexual partners, be they men or women, will be required to file official rape and sexual assault charges as a condition of entry and consent, the sources reported to the La Rochelle Times.

"Given the current state of things, we could really use some more juicy tidbits in order to deliver the goods on Assange," said London embassy spokesman Roger That. "These first two Swedish broads tried their best, but it wasn't enough. We need to parade some other fresh meat in front of him while he's bored out of his mind in the embassy. It will be consensual, of course, until it isn't."

The United States hopes to use the new testimonial proof against Assange in order to extradite him to Washington, where he can be tried for leaking state secrets.