Beverage Companies to Begin Drilling for High-Fructose Corn Syrup
La Lune de la presse internationale
Expecting a largely-diminished corn crop at the end of this season, investors and producers are scrambling to find other sources of the sweet syrup in order to make sure carbonated beverage production is not reduced and Americans' waistlines are not unduly affected, sources told the La Rochelle Times.
"We expect a dramatic increase in prices due to the reduced harvest," said industry spokesman Grant Wisch. "It's only logical to begin looking for other sources elsewhere. It worked for oil and gas, so we figure we may as well try it too."
State and regional authorities are jubilant about the financial opportunities that the new drilling will present, the La Rochelle Times has learned. Beverage companies are willing to dole out large campaign contributions and large, lump-sum bribes in order to have access to prime drilling sites.
"We sort of doubt they'll find anything, but they're willing to pay for it, so we figure a little healthy exploration isn't going to hurt anybody," said a local mayor in drought-stricken Southern Kansas. "Everybody just needs to make sure to continue to support the beverage industry through the unmitigated and unrestrained impulse purchases of sugary carbonated drinks."