Feline unemployment tops 96%

Government agencies vow to put 'lazy fat cats' to work

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

A spokesman for the Department of Labor Statistics announced late Monday that feline unemployment numbers had recently surpassed 96%, with more than 19 out of 20 American cats out of work. The devastating statistics come at a time of economic uncertainty in the United States, as banks and brokers continue to pound equities, metals and commodities markets in order to pilfer every remaining dime from the average layperson, the La Rochelle Times has learned.

"We have recently witnessed an unprecedented decrease in the number of jobs for felines," said the US Labor Department's Xavier Selvze. "Most of these cats sit around all day. They display no sense of urgency or motivation, they lack objectives and they are clearly disorganized. The only things that seem to motivate these creatures is the food which they either scavenge in nature or obtain through dependency relationships with others."

The government's goal is to create new, dynamic workplace environments in order to give proper motivation to these unemployed and often overweight felines.

"We intend to put these lazy fat cats to work," continued Selvze. "Enough of this sitting around all day. Do you realize some of these creatures sleep sixteen hours a day? This is unprecedented and totally unacceptable."

The few cats that have enjoyed continued employment have often been engaged in laboratory experiments and scientific work, Selvze said. The government intends to increase tax incentives for corporations that use feline labor, thus encouraging companies to include an increasing number of cats in the work force. An overwhelming majority of the currently employed are involved in the cosmetics and pharmaceutical businesses, Selvze explained.

"In an ideal world, we'd like to see these numbers decrease to about fifteen or twenty percent," Selvze explained. "Most cats know they should be doing more with their lives. They really lack an overall sense of purpose. It's as if they feel entitled to exist in nature without contributing to our economic system. We're dedicated to changing that."

Man arrested at airport after wishing fellow travellers 'Happy September 11th'

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

A Milwaukee resident was arrested at Chicago O'Hare airport yesterday on suspicion of terrorist activities, after he saw off fellow travelers and subsequently wished them a "Happy September 11th." Local officers from the Department of Fatherland Security overheard the remark and immediately arrested Darren Dusspeaquep, 31, who is being held in indefinite detention without charge and without bail until further notice.

"This guy just made this comment, like 'Have a nice September 11th' or something," said traveler William Mourne. "I heard him from where I was sitting having coffee. I thought the cops should have just taken him out right there, but I guess we still have some semblance of due process so we have to respect his 'rights' or some crap like that. A low-life like him doesn't even deserve rights in my opinion."

Security agents say travelers are allowed to wish each other a "Merry 9-11," but that the word "Happy" can not be used verbally in conjunction with a September 11th greeting or salute. The provision is part of the new Patriot Act renewal, they told the La Rochelle Times, and any infraction of the law can have severe consequences.

"We definitely want people to remember and commemorate 9-11," said DFS Director Pat Downe. "But they have to use the right language and gestures. Let's remember this is a post 9-11 world, so we can't just tolerate any kind of speech here. People need to watch what they say."

Officers stated that travelers are encouraged to underscore the emotional hardships endured in a post 9-11 world, using examples of personal stories and negative feelings of anger and despair. Rational analysis, sarcasm or outright satirical comments regarding the attacks could be considered violations of the latest Patriot Act, they explained.

"If people want to talk about where they were, how they felt, or how guilty Bin Laden and the Arabs are, that's great," said Downe. "But it stops there. After that, anything they say can and will be used against them. Especially if they try to introduce any logical analysis of data that we've obtained since the events ten years ago."

Local lawyer Jay L. Scelle, who just recently received his law degree, has agreed to defend Mr. Dusspeaquep. After having been allowed to talk at length with his client for five minutes this afternoon, he told the La Rochelle Times that Dusspeaquep has been known to make jokes in the past and has recently been prescribed Perkitup after suffering from a sleeping disorder. Perkitup is a recently introduced anti-depressant from pharmaceutical company Perplexia. Mr. Scelle insists that the drug may have had an effect on his client.

Dusspeaquep is expected to be arraigned in Federal Court on terrorism-related charges before 2023.