Sources: Tepco reports on Fukushima 'too radioactive to read'

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

TOKYO, JAPAN

Tokyo Electric Power Company (Tepco), which manages the stricken Fukushima nuclear power plant, announced late Friday that it would be happy to provide the meeting minutes and reports from the committee overseeing the crisis, but that these documents are too radioactive to be read by humans. They also stated that they are not currently aware of the source of the radiation, but that it has been known to kill anyone who reads the reports instantly.

"We would like to send report, but too much radiation, so not possible," said Nomokis Gunaite, a Tepco spokesman in California.

World governments have suspected for some time that Tepco has been trying to hide information about the reactors and possible leakage of radioactive particles. For the last ten months the three reactors most damaged by the earthquake and tsunami have been powered down, but no one knows for certain if the nuclear cores are still intact.

Tepco has accused nuclear power detractors of "only looking at the bad side of catastrophe," as well as being "too negative" and "pessimistic." Gunaite insists that the scars from the disaster will be gone "within a few millenia" and in "thirty or forty generations you won't even be able to tell." He encourages foreigners to continue to buy Japanese products which remain "undervalued," and to not "think too much about it."

The Citizens' Association for Nuclear and Coal Energy Rights (CANCER) has given its support to Tepco, giving the following statement to the La Rochelle Times:

"We are currently dealing with an economic slowdown across the world. Therefore it is important for everyone to stop constantly questioning things. Consumption and compliance are a citizen's duty. We need to continue to buy Japanese products and build nuclear plants throughout the world. We are disappointed to hear about these atheist environmentalists who continue to insist that solar or thermal energy can be used without consequences, since we all know that would endanger our current bailout system of the nuclear industry and the Western economies as a whole."

The United States Deparment of Energy has asked people to be patient, stating that the Tepco reports will become available as soon as they are within normal radiation levels, assuming a half-life of 36 years. They are expected to allow unfettered access to the documents by March 2358.

Merkel-Sarkozy sex tape surfaces

Future of Eurozone at risk after leak of raunchy footage

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

PARIS, FRANCE

Markets trembled Tuesday after footage surfaced showing German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Nicolas Sarkozy engaged in lewd acts. Investors, politicians and citizens the world over were nervously awaiting public statements from European governments for official comment on the sex tape, which was leaked on the Internet.

The kinky acts were apparently filmed after the latest European Union summit, where Merkel and Sarkozy had previously promised to "fix everything by next Wednesday."

Instead of concentrating on solving the debt crisis, providing liquidity to European organizations and redirecting social policy, it was revealed to the La Rochelle Times, the leaders instead preferred to fornicate wildly in front of the camera.

"They probably just thought it was more fun that way," said an anonymous French source from Bureau 293 of the Quai d'Orsay. "Obviously this footage should not have been released."

The couple, sometimes referred to casually as "Merkozy," has spent countless hours together trying to hammer out a solution to the Eurozone debt crisis. The leaked sex tape could not come at a worse time for the French leader, who has recently once again taken a back seat to cancer in the popularity ratings, after having ordered France to surrender to the obvious.