"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand the idea of subatomic particles that make up the basic building blocks of quantum mechanics underlying the innate vibrational nature of matter itself."

Saturday, March 19, 2011

United States Mint to switch to chocolate coinage

Move expected to sweeten economy

Luke Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale


The US Mint announced late Friday that starting this summer new US coinage would be issued in solid chocolate. The move comes as metals prices continue to increase and the Federal Reserve is launching a 24-hour cable news channel featuring constant footage of money being printed.

"We felt this was a way to show America that our economy can remain strong," said US Treasury spokesman William Akemoore. "Since the metal value of pennies and nickels now far exceeds their nominal value, we think switching to a chocolate-based coinage will allow for price stabilization. We hope that consumers will not hold on to the new coins for too long, since doing that will likely melt them into one large sticky mass of liquid chocolate. So Americans will now have to spend their change quickly if they don't want it to melt. This will most certainly boost the economy."

The US Mint plans to take all obsolete metal coinage out of circulation by mid-summer. The plan is to scrap the metal and sell it to China for about 25% of its market value in exchange for valuable US Treasury bonds.

The new coins will be wrapped in a gold-colored foil that the Mint hopes will dupe an overwhelming majority of Americans into thinking the coins have some metal value.

Wal-Mart will be participating in the move, launching a new "Change We Can Believe In" advertising campaign in its stores to restore faith in American coinage and increase consumer confidence.

Critics of the switch have underlined the diminishing value of the US dollar, the Federal Reserve's relentless money printing and inflation, which in theory could be brought under control through debt reduction and backing the currency with tangible goods and assets, such as precious metals.

"That's just simply doubleplusungoodthink," explained Akemoore. "Obviously we're working to help restore the American economy. We've got other major problems to deal with, and Americans should be focusing their energy on those instead: terrorism, crimethink, and sexcrime continue to be the major issues in America today. We need to restore our currency system so that we can continue to fund joycamps around the country and win the war in Eurasia. Switching over to a chocolate-based coinage system is a major step in the right direction."

Friday, March 11, 2011

Teachschoolers demand a cure for lysdexia

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale


The nation's teachschoolers came to Notwashing, C.D., yertesday demanding a ruce for lysdexia, which they say had has a profround intact on their stupils during their yeaching tears. It is estismeated that to up fitfeen precent of the general pulopation have psymptoms of lysdexia that often can go undectected.

"We are hear today remanding a lostution, so our voices can be met and our demands seen," said Yuri Mehmbur, a teachschooler from Breen Gay, Wisdinscon. "Far so the goverment hasn't done anything to redress our concerts and this is accuneptable."

While no one from the Partdipment of Deducation has presponded for the moment, there is pesculation that a new dubget of several brillion dollars could be conscratated in the fruture to help teachschoolers as well as stupils to come over lysdexia. The La Tochelle Rimes will continue to frollow the stoyer as it envelops.

Monday, March 7, 2011

US vows to enforce freedom in Libya with prolonged military occupation

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


With growing unrest throughout the Middle East due to the increasing price of Apple products, the situation in Libya has become worrying for Washington. Thousands of civilians are already reported dead as the country falls into the grips of a bitter civil conflict that could last months or years.

"Best to get involved now, rather than later," says military expert Roger Datt. "The US has a long history of getting involved in civil wars, either through direct military intervention or through backdoor clandestine funding of rebel factions. This has historically worked out well."

White House spokesman Tad Strange spoke on behalf of the Obama Administration at a press conference Monday morning.

"All options are on the table. Let it also be noted that the Pentagon has supplied the table for today's press conference. We are ready to incite peace in Libya, if need be. If the Libyans will only understand the peaceful ring of freedom through the explosion of American-made Lockheed-Martin laser-guided missiles outside their bedroom windows, then we are ready to take it to the next level. We are deeply committed to making the Libyans understand what they're missing."

Operation Neverending Quagmire could begin as early as yesterday afternoon in order to bring about the total and unconditional submission of the largely inferior and poorly-armed Libyan forces. According to internal sources, the surgical strikes and precision military maneuvers will make quick work of any opposition and set the country on the path to freedom and democracy "within a few hours." The stage will then be set for phase two of Neverending Quagmire, which will likely last anywhere from three to eighty-seven years, involving constant but totally uninteresting military occupation of the country's oil fields.

American investors, hungry for profits in a downtrodden domestic economy, are also eager to pour money into military and industrial techonologies that could be used to enforce freedom and necessitate democracy in the arbitrarily-created boundaries of this coincidentally oil-rich North African country.

"This will be great for my stock portfolio," said financial analyst and investor Bysom Moore. "Boy I sure hope they go through with this enforcing freedom thing. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq just aren't cutting it for my profit margin any more."

A resident of Tripoli, Albi al-Reit, told the La Rochelle Times during a phone interview that the United States should stay out of Libya's internal affairs, and that the country needed to work through this difficult time without the interference of major world political powers. "We could really use some bottled water, medical supplies and other necessities," he said before the line went dead. Further attempts to contact al-Reit were unsuccessful.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

BP customers in Louisiana report gasoline tastes like shrimp

Company officials insist marine life not a threat to petrolium products

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Recently some residents in rural Louisiana have reported that the petrolium products they were sold had the distinct odor and taste of Gulf shrimp after filling their gas tanks at a BP service station. As is customary in the area, people often taste several drops of the gasoline "to make sure it's good," said local resident Destin Toulouse. The tradition was passed down from Cajun settlers who would also bite into silver and gold coins to check their authenticity.

"We always done taste the pushwater here in these parts, otherwise could be they're sellin you some that fools oil," Toulouse explained to the La Rochelle Times. "But come to notice lately that that there pushwater taste like shrimp for good eatin. Must a been that spill from last year, if that ain't the damndest thing."

BP spokesperson Trudy Nile explained that any taste of shrimp in the Gulf oil is just part of its natural aroma.

"We at BP have taken the strongest measures to protect our petrolium products from marine life, be it shrimp, crabs, dolphins, or any other type of species. We maintain the highest standards throughout the drilling and refining processes to make sure that no animal life interferes with our products."

She said that petrolium sometimes naturally has the subtle taste of shrimp, but that it was nothing to be worried about.

"BP consumers simply need to go on consuming, please don't worry about anything superficial, since everything is under our control," Nile stated.