Economy: Analysts urge investment in anti-depressants

Shares of liquor, firearms manufacturers also suggested

Bull Marquette
Senior Economic Analyst
La Lune de la presse internationale

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Wall Street analysts urged investors to buy up stock in anti-depressant, alcohol and firearms manufacturers on Wednesday, stating that current market trends would create "an inevitable increased demand" for the latest drugs and weapons.

"What we're seeing is an incredible opportunity for investors," said hedge fund analyst Scott Free. "Basically every sector of the market is going bust, but we estimate that there will be a strong upcoming demand for anti-depressants, liquor and weapons."

Due to the increasing number of foreclosures and loan defaults in the United States, markets across the globe have been rattled by nervous investors who are trying to minimize their losses in the credit and financial sectors. Analysts chimed in Wednesday attempting to encourage "average, everyday investors" to "pour in their life savings now" while there's still time to invest in lucrative stocks.

Increased demand for anti-depressant drugs, alcohol and firearms may lead to a rally of those investment portfolios while all other categories "tank completely," investors said.

According to financial insiders, central banks worldwide are expected to continue to bail out anyone who invested "more than a million dollars" in the financial markets, which will limit liquidity injections to only the most wealthy investors.

"We're basically just encouraging anyone worth less than a million to invest in alcohol and firearms as a last ditch effort to save their retirement," commented Ari Minder, market analyst for Golden Parachute Investments.

Financial guru Rich "Dick" Prickardson, who just several months ago missed being added to the international list of billionaires by only twenty-five cents, said he was relieved by the Federal Reserve's bailout efforts.

"We know the Fed is stepping in to help out the little guys, like me," said Prickardson. "I think anyone who was saving for retirement would be happy investing in pharmaceuticals, like companies that produce anti-depressant drugs. There's going to be a strong demand for them in the upcoming months."

Increased incarceration of citizens to reduce dependency on foreign oil

'More behind bars, fewer in cars,' say experts

Ken Ustandet
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Citizens' Organization for National Security (CONS) urged lawmakers to pass more restrictive and draconian laws after the August 2007 recess, in order to dramatically increase the incarceration rates across the nation. The group claims in its latest report entitled Jailing America: The Road to Foreign Energy Independence that incarcerating more of the American population would decrease domestic reliance on oil imports.

"Right now the United States has about 2 million people incarcerated, or about 1% of the adult population," said Noah Paulajese, a spokesman for CONS. "What we're advocating is a much higher rate, along the lines of 20 to 30%. By locking up nearly a third of all American citizens, we can begin to reduce fuel usage, as these people will no longer be part of the active workforce. Their collective isolation from society will decrease energy consumption, by allowing the state to mandate their living conditions."

Paulajese further explained that Congress must act now to pass brand new rigorous and frivolous laws that would criminalize most, if not all, everyday behavior. Law enforcement officials could then begin detaining larger percentages of citizens, whose demand for energy would consequenty be removed from markets.

In the report, CONS suggested laws criminalizing behaviors such as excessively loud snoring, direct eye contact between members of the same sex, and overt yawning. Previously some conservative states have tried to adopt such measures, only to see support weaken among their human citizens. The CONS report is the first effort to advocate such legislation on a federal level.

Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) applauded the report early Thursday. "Frankly, it's about time we had a real discussion in this country about behavior that threatens our national security on a daily basis. I think linking our nation's safety with a smart energy policy is the best step forward, and I welcome this report from CONS, as I'm sure any patriotic American does.

"It's high time we took a stand against these horrible criminal acts," Sentenz continued. "I urge my colleagues to heed our words now, before it's too late. Last year alone, excessive snoring accounted for more than half of all national sleep loss, and those numbers are only going up. According to a recent government study, eye contact between members of the same sex has been observed in nearly every homosexual relationship. We need to put a stop to this before it destroys our families, our homes, and our children's future."

Some international oil companies were cautious after the release of the CONS report Wednesday, explaining that incarcerating too many Americans could bite into their profit margins.

"We need to be careful about how we go about these meaures," said BP spokesman Tony Blair. "I think most people accept a certain percentage of incarcerated Americans, maybe even as high as five percent, but taking things too far could erode the free market economy on which America so depends."

Republicans are expected to sway most Democratic lawmakers by September, when new laws will be quickly enacted in order to allow the Department of Homeland Security and other, privatized police forces to begin rounding up outlaws throughout the nation. The resulting boom in the prison population would have benefits for the economy as well, creating jobs in the corrections and law enforcement sectors. New prison construction is also expected to offset the declining housing market.

Senator Phil Abusder (D-MI) was among the first to cross party lines and embrace the new policy suggestions on Thursday. At a press conference in Michigan the Senator explained that "adopting a higher incarceration rate would reduce a lot of the side effects of our dependency on foreign energy, and would help the economy by keeping down wages and unemployment. I intend to support whatever laws are needed to put a larger percentage of my constituents behind bars, and I hope all Democrats who love America will do the same."

Analysts enthusiastic about economy

Bush: 'We're at war with gravity'

Government agencies declare war against downward momentum in response to Wednesday's tragic bridge collapse

Ken Ustandet
La Lune de la presse internationale

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA

President Bush announced early Thursday that the United States would prevail in the newly launched "War on Gravity," which the President intends to fight "anywhere and everywhere gravity may hide." In response to the tragic collapse of the Interstate 35W bridge in Minneapolis Wednesday evening, government agencies reacted quickly to formulate a response that would counteract gravity's latest attacks against the vulnerable homeland.

"My administration and me intend to do anything I can to stop these evil acts of downward aggression," the President said during his announcement at the White House. "I've been talking with my advisors, and we think we have a pretty good idea where these gravity-based forces might be hiding. The American people need to know I'm going to do everything in my power to stop these evil forces before they act again."

The Department of Homeland Security followed up on the President's announcement by stating that excessive gravitational forces would be sought out and destroyed throughout the country. Anyone caught "aiding or abetting" the gravitational pull of the earth could be subject to secret CIA imprisonment and newly improved interrogation methods. "We intend to use gravity as a tool to fight the War on Gravity," said one expert. "Don't think for a minute that we don't know how to use gravity to get answers from those that may seek to protect these evil physical forces."

Some critics argued that the crisis should be handled on a more local level. Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty had not yet reacted to the President's statements on Thursday, but some analysts predict that as a result of the bridge collapse Minnesota could choose to invade a neighboring state, such as Wisconsin, Iowa or South Dakota, in order to stop gravity's advancing threat in the region. Others suggested that the state take extraordinary measures, such as detaining citizens without probable cause, repealing any and all civil rights, and authorizing widespread wiretapping of citizens, to thwart any future gravity-driven tragedies.

Around the state reaction was mixed.

"This is what happens when you elect a Muslim to Congress," said Ari Minder, a Minneapolis resident who was referring to Keith Ellison (D-MN), the first openly Muslim Congressman.

"We felt this coming," said another man. "Gravity has been after us for years, but we won't let it get us down."

African Union moves to adopt the Afro

Hairstyle to unite sub-Saharan nations

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO

In a move designed to foster a sense of community, leaders from African Union countries voted Thursday to adopt the Afro, sources in Ouagadougou reported. When the new measure takes effect in January 2009, all African hairstyles will be switched over to an Afro-based model. All individuals will be expected to use the Afro in all forms of social transactions to build cultural equity amongst the nations.

The move was hailed by Afro enthusiasts around the world, who called the development a clear and concise step towards unity on the African continent. Despite widespread wars, disease, famine, poverty, drought, inequality, exploitation, slavery, corruption, lawlessness, revolt, environmental damage and misery, the decision to adopt the Afro signals a decisive step by continental leaders to confront the sensitive issue of differences in hairstyles throughout the 53 nation African Union.

Starting in 2009, any citizen who does not adopt the Afro could be subject to fines, imprisonment, dirty looks or execution, depending on which repressive measures individual nations choose to adopt. Citizens in member states are widely expected to embrace the switchover to the Afro as a base hairstyle, although enthusiasm was limited after the announcement.

"I just don't see how this is going to change the situation in our nation," said one detractor on the streets of Ougadougou. "Some people like the Afro, but I don't know if it's a good idea to make it a standard in all the countries. People should be free to use the hairstyle they want in everyday social transactions."

Nigerian government spokesman Kwasi Freeman maintained that people would be delighted at the unifying hair theme.

"This will create an unbreakable bond of brotherhood between the many different African cultures and religions. This way, we can slowly erase the subtle differences that make each nation unique, by creating one hairstyle for everyone, and enjoying the peace, unity, stability that follows throughout Africa."