Double Rainbow Guy to be given own cable television network

Double Rainbow Channel will feature 24-hour broadcasts of spin-offs from famous footage

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

Paul "Hungry Bear" Vasquez, who acheived fame from his viral "double rainbow" Youtube video, has been offered his very own 24-hour cable channel in a newly announced partnership between Microsoft, Fox News, MSNBC, CBS, Intel and JP Morgan Bank. The Internet hippie-turned-superstar has reportedly been negotiating a 3-year, $39 million deal that will allow TV viewers to discover all of the various clips, remixes and other related videos on one cable channel. Vasquez is expected to be the main commentator, using his trademarked style to provoke insightful dialogue about different video creations for a dumbed-down target audience.

"We felt this was a great opportunity to take an everyday guy who saw an incredible natural phenomenon, and reacted to it with the excitement and exaltation typical of someone in touch with his mind, body and soul, and subsequently turn it into a non-intellectual, profit-making advertising venture on television," said Fox News Corporation's Hugh Briss. "We really hope viewers will put aside their silly ideas of sustainable agriculture, off-the-grid living and environmentalism in favor of our pro-corporate, pro-capitalist propaganda that will soon be broadcast twenty-four hours a day."

Vasquez has not commented on the deal, however insiders say there is a strong chance he may accept it since the recession has driven the average cost of a human soul down to under $8,000. He is a self-proclaimed environmentalist, growing his own vegetables and raising his own livestock while living "off the grid."

Through the Freedom of Information Act the La Rochelle Times has obtained FBI documents which show Vasquez has not been charged with thoughtcrime although he was initially investigated for freethinking when he drew attention to himself with his video in January, 2010.

"Man that would be awesome to have a Double Rainbow Channel," said longtime cable television viewer Ollie Niedze. "I mean, I hate having to press the buttons on my computer [to watch videos]. It's so much easier to be lazy in front of the TV, you know in a totally non-interactive sort of way."

Critics of the offer have stated that such a channel would simply be exploiting someone's amazement and curiosity when encountering the natural wonders of our planet and universe. They maintain that the video went viral because many people recognized the incredible beauty and awe inherent in the creation of our Earth and the amazing phenomenae within nature that may never be fully understood.

"I have never heard so much bullshit in one sentence," retorted Fox's Hugh Briss. "This is a marketing gold mine. This is every TV producer's wet dream. Vasquez needs to come join these media conglomerates now so he can capitalize on this action, before he's washed up and unpopular. I'd give him about another three to five days. After that, it's anybody's guess."

The La Rochelle Times has made the following clips available to readers who have not yet seen them, as samples of what the new Double Rainbow Channel programming could feature:

And finally, the Fort Boyard French television version:

Point-Counterpoint: Investments

Finance Guru: 'Women are not sound investments'

Rich Banker
Investment Counselor

Speaking from experience, I can tell you that most women do not make good investments. Putting money into women just simply doesn't give you a lot of return in most cases. It requires constant vigilance, disciplined management and a keen eye for timing in order to earn a good return from women these days.

I've seen many investors simply fold, give up and walk away after having poured thousands, in some cases even many tens of thousands, into women. It's never an easy situation after an investor has been burned, thinking initially that women could be a safe bet but in fact finding out that they are incredibly volatile, hard-to-price and can very often default on expected returns.

So as this recession continues, I'd hold off putting my money into women and stick with other assets that are more robust. Don't get me wrong, some types of women can give you healthy, honest dividends for years and even nice placement options that sometimes surprise investors. Indeed, at certain times they can even seem like a safe bet. But don't let looks deceive you. If you have money that you want to invest, I urge you not to put it into women.

Housewife: 'The safest place for money is in my purse'

Goldie Chaynes
Financial Holdings Strategist

Any men out there who want to invest should put their money directly into my purse. In fact, that is the only safe place for money these days.

With the recession continuing, stocks falling, mutual funds deteriorating and bonds giving little-to-no return at all, investors need to start thinking about my purse as the best place for their cash. I don't see many other long-term options.

By putting their money in my purse, I will be able to spend it on whatever I think will hold its value the most. Right now I'm considering some diamond-encrusted gold earrings, black leather pumps and that new Armani handbag that just was put on display at the mall last week. All of those should be long-term winners that will allow my wardrobe portfolio to grow.

Investors need to rethink their options in these hards times and my purse is about all there is to choose from any more. If any individual investor wants to continue to do business with me, he needs to put that cash directly into my purse today.

To honor 5-year Katrina anniversary, National Hurricane Center promises to use African-American names for storms in 2011

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

MIAMI, FLORIDA

A spokesperson for the National Hurricane Center announced late Thursday that during the next hurricane season in 2011 only African-American names would be used to designate developing tropical storms. According to the NHC, the decision was made in order to honor victims of Hurricane Katrina as well as the current five year anniversary that marked the destruction of New Orleans.

At a brief press conference for the news media in Miami, NHC spokesperson Skip Towne paid homage to the countless thousands of victims of Hurricane Katrina, going on to say that throughout 2011 the NHC would use an "African-American" theme when choosing names for hurricanes.

"We know that the government failed in 2005," said Towne in his prepared remarks. "We understand that President Bush, and really the entire Bush family in general, hate black people other than Colin Powell. We have learned the lessons of Hurricane Katrina as a nation, because we know now that no President will ever be held accountable for anything, ever, unless he is black. Therefore, we here at the National Hurricane Center have decided to use African-American names in 2011 in order to send a message that unlike most Bush-era government officials we have not forgotten the victims of Hurricane Katrina."

Traditionally storms are named in alphabetical order by the NHC, using all but the letters Q, U, X, Y and Z. The following provisional list was released today and will serve as a guide for named storms in 2011:

The decision to use African-American names has already stirred up more controversy among different ethnic groups than the African Union's decision to adopt the Afro in 2007.

The Colorado Springs-based Deacons International Coalition for Kindness Society (DICKS) published a statement on its website shortly after the announcement, stating that the National Hurricane Center was showing "racial bias" against white people by favoring African-Americans. They maintain that people of all races were victims of Hurricane Katrina, even if they acknowledged that many of them were of African-American origin.

However, DICKS website manifesto states that "promoting and maintaining racial imbalances is an important part of allowing religious and government institutions to control the population, through the use of fiat-based slave-wage job creation and suggestive implantation of arbitrary racial and personal stereotypes. The DICKS members shall openly encourage disparity between races in order to maximize these imbalances and further encourage religious and institutional domination over society."

Other local groups applauded the decision, saying that it was "damn right" and "about motherfuckin' time" that the NHC honor African-Americans.

"I was like, man, why do all these hurricanes got whitey names? Whadup wit dat?" stated Trysum Phearst, a local entrepreneur in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. "But now, wit' the NHC bein' all like, yo bitch it's on now and shit, I'm like you goddam right."

Phearst, who studied ebonics until the tenth grade before opting out of the public school system, gained notoriety in his community after working as a personal investment counselor for a local independent pharmaceutical business.

Sonny Hayes, an Atlanta-area meteorologist for KKKK Channel 22 "News With a View", gave his reaction in a phone interview with the La Rochelle Times.

"You know, we've learned a lot throughout the years," said Hayes after the NHC announcement. "Either through ending the tradition of indentured slavery in rural areas and replacing it with indebted slavery in urban areas, or through the Civil Rights movement that allowed blacks to die alongside whites in Vietnam, we've come a long way. I think today's decision by the NHC goes even further by showing us that there is true recognition of a distinct African-American culture. Without it we wouldn't have jazz, blues, hip hop or funk. We wouldn't have draconian crack-cocaine laws to fill up our nation's prisons and enrich local politicians. We wouldn't have random black males to suspect as perpetrators in every newspaper, or here on KKKK news. So really, we have to thank the NHC for drawing attention to the unique cultural aspects of African-Americans by choosing to honor them during the 2011 hurricane season. Let us all remember that cultural and ethnic differences are there to be exploited for personal gain, and always to the detriment of a minority group."

Hayes was previously featured in the La Rochelle Times when he announced in early 2007 that he was really looking forward to the next hurricane season.