Internet addiction now cureable through on-line therapy

Grinan Barrett
La Lune de la presse internationale

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA

Web surfers who spend more than twenty-four hours a day connected to the Internet may qualify for a new program that aims to cure people of Internet addiction through special on-line therapy sessions. The group, called Lifesavers On Line (LOL), aims to get highly-addicted web surfers into a 12-click program, similar to a 12-step "traditional" program, which will begin to tackle their computer addiction issues.

The program is being spearheaded by Will Pauer, a motivational speaker and addiction specialist who has recently begun working with victims of the technology age. Mr. Pauer obtained his Masters degree in Psychology from Haarvard, an on-line university with 2,439 diggs. Along with LOL, he aims to create a web site and banner ads that invite people to cure their on-line addictions.

Funding will be granted through the government's office of Faith-Based Intelligence (FBI), begun under the Bush administration and continued under President Obama. It is also part of a larger strategy of abstinence-based education, proponents told the La Rochelle Times.

"This is a huge problem," said Pauer. "It's crazy the number of people I know who are always on line. I think we need to have a public discussion about the possible consequences of too much Internetism. I've been e-mailing and blogging about it all afternoon."

Pauer cited symptoms of Internet addiction as lack of motivation, general knowledgeability, overall disdain for the status quo, opinions at odds with the mainstream press and red eye. "Anyone showing signs of these symptoms should seek treatment," Pauer explained.

"We have a population that's drifting more and more towards self-awareness and virtuality. Consensus might soon be built through on-line opinions that are no longer controlled by corporate networks and information channels. Therefore we must act now to stop those who spend too much time on-line before it's too late," said an emotional Pauer.

GM accidentally lays off last employee

Manager stunned to find own signature on pink slip

Amanda Laffatt
La Lune de la presse internationale

DETROIT, MICHIGAN

General Motors, once the bastion of automotive engineering and construction, officially laid off its last and only employee Tuesday. Executive Oversight Manager Mike Carl Stahl received a pink slip early Wednesday, but when he opened it he was surprised to find that he had accidentally laid himself off the previous day. Mr. Stahl was the only employee listed on GM's official payroll, therefore making the company employee-less, sources tell the La Rochelle Times.

"I don't know what I'm going do," explained Stahl when asked for comment. "I really didn't see this coming. How could I have known? I mean, I know the economy's bad and all, but I never would have thought, you know, me."

After introducing a revolutionary car prototype in 2008, GM has struggled to adapt to market changes. The beginning of the recession in 2007 hit the company hard. Some employees became demoralized by the realization that they may have contributed to the ultimate destruction of the earth's biosphere through the manufacture of individually controlled motorized pleasure units. The tens of millions of these vehicles may have forever changed society and the environment through the increased burning of fossil fuels, contributing to increased levels of carbon in the Earth's atmosphere.*

Calls to GM offices for comment were unanswered Wednesday.

*This statement has not been approved by select media outlets.

House of Cards Financial may need government bailout

Firm seeks loan of $230 trillion

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Directors of House of Cards Financial Corporation appealed to government officials Wednesday to help them out of a funding quagmire with secured loans of 230 trillion dollars (180 trillion Euros). Legislators will soon hear testimony from HOC employees who manage the global financial assets of absolutely everyone either directly or through off-the-books, indirect market manipulation.

"Unfortunately we've recently noticed that some of our balance sheet assets have lost significant value, thus leading to our demand for government intervention," explained CEO Dick Wead on FOX Radio News. "Of course this wasn't really our first choice, but with the situation being as unstable as it is, we felt we should get a piece of the bailout pie while the oven was still hot, so to speak."

The sum, while not unheard of, is large by Washington's standards.

"The government bailout of $800 billion won't quite be enough to cover these losses," explained analyst Loana Bunchemoore. "In fact, a trillion is more than a billion, which means in all probabilty the government will actually have to provide more money. We could imagine it being an exponential factor of about 23, but we'll see what lawmakers decide."

The Federal Reserve has not yet commented on the House of Cards debacle, but insiders say some bankers have expressed slight discomfort in private conversations.

"It makes people uneasy, this situation," explained Federal Funds Director Rick O'Shea in a telephone call with the La Rochelle Times. "Bankers know something must be done to prop up the House of Cards Financial organization, but for the moment they're reluctant to take concrete steps."

Some critics of the government bailout have suggested letting the House of Cards situation play out, by simply letting the company fail.

"The free market always works itself out," said local Pastor Neil Downe. "If it's bankrupt, let 'er fail, cause I got my gold stashed away and there ain't no system better than freedom. The Lord will provide."