House Democrats introduce non-binding impeachment resolution

Lawmakers vow to slap White House on wrist

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Democratic lawmakers introduced non-binding articles of impeachment in the House Wednesday as an attempt to voice, albeit in a subtle way, their opposition to the President and Vice President's policies. The articles, if passed by the House and Senate, would require no action on the part of anyone at all. Instead, they would simply be a statement that the President "could possibly be impeached for real, at some point either now or in the distant future, with no takebacks," said Democratic party leader Neil Downe. Indeed, Democrats have vowed since February of 2006 not to give up hopelessness, and the non-binding impeachment resolution seems to be a part of that political context.

"We felt this was the best way to tackle the problem," explained Senator Phil Abusder (D-MI). "Obviously with a President like this, in a time of war, you want to make sure that you send the right message. We don't really want to impeach him, since the system is set up so that all of our paychecks more or less directly depend on donations from defense contractors, but since a majority of Americans would like to see impeachment happen, we felt this was a way to find a middle ground."

The House is expected to narrowly pass the non-binding impeachment measure, which would then move to the Senate. If approved, it would be immediately entered into the Congressional record and remain available for posterity in the coming years. Senate Republicans have insisted they will insert language that will allow the President to veto the measure, despite the fact that it does absolutely nothing whatsoever.

Some House Republicans were quick to condemn the resolution, calling it "simply another example of politics in Washington," said GOP spokesman Hal Atosis. "We've seen this before, when a party wants to hinder the Commander-in-Chief in a time of war, not to mention a war that he spent so much time creating. They have absolutely no respect for those in power who have crafted foreign intelligence and international justice around a policy of pre-emptive empirical domination. Such a measure only shows their weakness, and when al-Qaeda has finally invaded and occupied the United States, I hope the voters remember that."

Image courtesy: The Onion

Gonzales to plead insanity at Senate hearing

Attorney General cannot be held legally responsible for actions due to mental incompetence

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who is set to appear today before a Senate Committee, is expected to plead insanity in the case of the eight fired federal prosecutors, sources have told the La Rochelle Times. Gonzales intends to establish a legal framework for his complete and total mental incapacity to deal with any issues whatsoever, so that he cannot be held responsible for his decisions regarding his scorched-earth policies at the Justice Department.

“Well, it’s a hail Mary, to be sure, but what else have we got?” said Lee Galeez, an advisor to Gonzales. “It was his idea, actually. When I told him his claim that he was not involved in any discussions about what was going on was nuts, he leaped up and screamed, ‘that’s it! I’m nuttier than a Squirrel Nut Zipper bar.’”

Senatory Patrick Leahy commented late Wednesday that “if I said this is crazy, I’d be playing right into his hands. At this point I’ll defer any comment until he testifies.”

It has been reported that Gonzales is expected to appear in bedtime attire, such as pajamas and paper slippers, in order to reinforce his insanity plea. Certain sources with foreknowledge have also stated that aides will be placed closeby with drool cups to create a more dramatic effect for the Senate committee.

BREAKING: Tragedy in Virginia

Bush gives military recruitment speech at Virginia Tech

'We need to send exemplary student assassins such as these to fight the terrorists,' President says

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

BLACKSBURG, VIRGINIA

President Bush travelled to the scene of the massacre at Virginia Tech on Tuesday to deliver a speech urging anyone with violent and suicidal tendencies to "join the fight against Al-Qaeda" and "sign up today for a tour in Iraq or Afghanistan." The President's announcement was intended to give peace to victims' families and at the same time make use of America's estranged and troubled youth by sending them overseas, where they would pose no threat to Americans.

"I urge anyone with tendencies such as we've seen here, like aloneness, violency and suicideship, to join our forces today. The terrorists hate our freedoms, but this tragedrey shows us that some Americans are expressing their anger in ways that are unacceptable to democracy," the President declared Tuesday. "We need to send exemplary student assassins such as these to fight the terrorists overseas, where they can help America's foreign policy," the President continued. "Together with the Congress, I intend to exploit this tragedy to the maximum extent possible in order to mask my previously flawed policy decisions."

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Republicans thrilled most recent national tragedy cannot be blamed directly on them

'This is truly a historic day for our party,' says GOP Congressman

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Republicans across America rejoiced Wednesday when they realized that the latest tragedy at Virginia Tech could not be blamed directly on them. GOP Spokesman Hal Atosis explained that the Republican National Committee was "thrilled that this one wasn't direclty our fault" and that it "gives us hope of bipartisan support for American decline."

"This is truly a historic day for our party," said Senator Harry Wetback (R-KY) on Wednesday. "For the first time in years, no one can point the finger directly at us and say, 'You did this.' Although some say that we could have passed stricter legislation against automatic weapons and all that, obviously this was uniquely the fault of a lone-wolf terrorist, and not the weapons themselves. This is why we need to support continuing legislative initiatives such as the Patriot Act, so that we can watch these violent types and unsuccessfully attempt to stop them before they act."

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Report: Student assassin was human

Candice Maistaille
La revue psychologique internationale

Contrary to previous unsourced reports, the La Rochelle Times has learned that the shooter at Virginia Tech was indeed a member of the human species. Experts confirmed on Wednesday the initial reports that the assassin had all the regular features of a human being, including physical and emotional similarities to the other 6.5 billion humans living on Earth.

"We were disturbed to find that this was the result of a human being," said local forensic expert Paul Bearer. "I think initially everyone thought this was the work of a cyborg or some other type of non-human, terminator-like entity. Of course we thought perhaps there could have been mind control involved as well. Unfortunately, the perpetrator of these horrible acts turned out to be just another human being."

ONN News: Immigration

Immigration: The Human Cost

Tony Snow to receive cancer treatment at Walter Reed Hospital

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

White House Spokesman Tony Snow, who has recently announced that he has cancer, will undergo treatment at Walter Reed Veterans Hospital. Only a short distance from the White House, the medical facitilies are expected to give last-rate care to the former Fox News reporter, who will be made to sleep in urine, vomit on himself and eat rat droppings while being treated.

"I'm confident that the care I receive will be top notch," Snow told The La Rochelle Times on Tuesday. "I know the staff and the patients over there at Walter Reed have received a lot of national attention. That can only be because of the exceptional nature of the facilities, and I'm honored to be able to receive treatment there."

Study: Kennedy assassination ruled 'accidental'

Committee sheds new light on President's death

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

An independent, bipartisan, lesbian and transsexual (IBLT) committee released its findings about the assassination of John F. Kennedy on Tuesday, ruling the untimely President's death a "coincidental accident." Kennedy's death has long been the subject of conspiracy theories, including Oliver Stone's film JFK, which have fueled speculation about a larger conspiracy than the "lone gunman" theory supported by the Warren Commission in 1964.

The IBLT findings indicate that not only was there a lone gunman, but that the assassination was actually a random accident. According to the study, Lee Harvey Oswald was merely sighting birds and other fowl during his lunch break at the book depository on Dealy Plaza. Due to the heavy workload at the book depository, where Oswald had worked for a period of several weeks, stress and fatigue played a role in the fatal mishap. In an unfortunate miscalculation, Oswald mistook the President's motorcade for a covey of quail, firing directly at the President, instead of the intended flock of birds.

The consequences, of course, are well understood. While profoundly shocking the nation out of its "nuclear age" innocence, Kennedy's death allowed an increase in troop strength in the Vietnam conflict, as well as a long string of Leaders who supported the war effort in Eurasia. The tragic accident has reverberations even in the current Bush administration, which has continued the nearly fifty year old struggle on the wider fronts of the Eurasian continent.

"We applaud today's findings of the IBLT committee, and hope that this puts to rest Americans' doubts about versions of previous commissions," commented Senator Phil Abusder (D-MI) on Tuesday. "Obviously the IBLT findings are unbiased and well grounded, and we hope that the country can now have closure more than forty years later by accepting the 'accidental bullet' theory."

Abusder's comments alluded to the fact that since 1963 alternative media and the Internets have been abuzz with theories that unsuccessfully attempted to establish a wider conspiracy to assassinate John F. Kennedy. The conspiracy theorists point to motives such as escalation of the Vietnam War, the failure of the Bay of Pigs invasion, Operation Northwoods, and the Federal Reserve's abolition of the silver standard as contributing factors. The IBLT Committee findings dismissed these eventual motives for assassination as coincidence, while favoring the "accidental bullet" theory.

Latest Bin Laden tape calls for new 9-11 investigation

At-large terrorist demands more self-incriminating evidence

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

PESHAWAR, PAKISTAN

The most recent tape recording of notorious terrorist Osama Bin Laden has called for a new investigation into the attacks of September 11, 2001. The radical Muslim extremist said in a videotaped statement broadcast on the Al-Jazeerah network that his role in the attacks must not be forgotten, and he would like the government to make public additional information to confirm that he is responsible for the catastrophic and catalyzing event, as the number of Americans who are questioning the official government version of events continues to soar.

"I demand, by the will of Allah, a new inquiry into my involvement in the holy war against the Great Satan of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under Allah, Allah is grand," said the official government translation of the video. "My networks tell me that many Americans have doubts about my guilt. By the will of Allah, a new investigation will show all the evil Americans the egregiousness of my atrocities."

Indeed, it would appear that Bin Laden's claims have been backed up by recent polls conducted within the United States. According to Zogby, a known liberal conspiracy-based survey enterprise, 70 million Americans support a new 9-11 investigation, while the FBI has not listed Bin Laden as being wanted for the September 11, 2001, terror attacks.

According to government sources, the Internets have recently been infiltrated and compromised by covert conspiracy-theorist operations. Bin Laden's latest statement serves to bolster the government's claim that Bin Laden alone masterminded the terror attacks, without any domestic help or foul play in order to overcome America's multi-billion dollar, advanced military defenses. In calling for a release of new evidence to incriminate himself, Bin Laden is once again provoking the United States, which remains vulnerable as the War on the two fronts in Eurasia continues to guarantee our safety.

Experts were quick to interpret the latest message. Early Thursday on Fox and Fiends analyst Jack Kass called the new Bin Laden confession "another damning piece of evidence that our fight against evil Muslim islamo-fascist fascists has only begun," reiterating that "support for the war effort in Eurasia must not diminish." A related Faux News Alert urged consumers to remember to fill their vehicles promptly and buy more Victory Coffee in the coming days. Democratic party leader Neil Downe, who has previously supported the terrorists in their bid to invade and occupy the United States, called the latest Bin Laden video "political one-upmanship," while also stating it was "an unexpected development."

Multi-millionaire falls short of billionaire status by 25 cents

Investor depressed after being a quarter short of world's wealthiest

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

ASPEN, COLORADO

Multi-millionaire Rich "Dick" Prickardson was stunned to learn late Friday that he missed being added to the list of the world's wealthiest investors after his total net worth was estimated at only 999,999,999.75 US dollars. The well-to-do investor missed the billionaire cutoff by a mere twenty-five cents, and will have to wait until March 2008 before his wealth can again be tallied.

"I'm devastated, you know, I'm really truly disheartened. My whole life I've worked to accumulate more and more wealth, only to fall short by a quarter," Prickardson told the La Rochelle Times yesterday. "Obviously this is a big blow to the family. I don't think I should consider myself an abject failure, but that's certainly the way I feel right now."

The highly regarded investor has appealed to local charities and organisations to donate as much as possible to his billionaire relief fund, the Rich Dick Prickardson Society, established shortly after he received the devastating news. Prickardson has asked "anyone and everyone" to contribute "anything, even a few dollars," to his relief fund so that he will make billionaire status by next March.

The rankings, which establish the who's who of the world's wealthiest, are expected to include the usual suspects such as Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and other investment moguls. Moreover, the 2007 list will be flooded with new billionaire investors from Halliburton and Kellogg Brown & Root, as the trickle-down economic benefits of the wars in Eurasia are passed on to investors through no-bid government contracts.

"This has really been a great year for the billionaire's list," said Colin Dacronies, a Department of Defense employee who has personally awarded many of the contracts to his associates and friends in return for financial, bureaucratic and sexual favors. "I feel truly blessed to be a part of this no-bid contract system which has done so much to boost the upper ranks of our economy. Truly, all Americans should be proud of our work today, even if a few unfortunate investors like Dick Prickardson didn't quite make the list. Once we get started in Iran in a few weeks I'm sure he'll get some new contracts from us."

Family and friends reported that Prickardson was "depressed but hopeful for the future," and that they expected his mood to brighten once he returned to counting his cash assets on Monday.