"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand the idea of subatomic particles that make up the basic building blocks of quantum mechanics underlying the innate vibrational nature of matter itself."

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Tony Blair to die in car accident next week

Blair government expected to end with tragic mishap

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale


British Prime Minister Tony Blair will be fatally injured sometime next week when the vehicle from his official government motorcade veers into a large concete bridge pillar, the BBC reported to the La Rochelle Times London Bureau. The accident is expected to mark a tragic yet convenient end to Blair's ten years at the head of the British parliament, paving the way for a smooth transition of power and forever ending many of the uninteresting scandals which are currently plaguing his political party, including charges of bribery, money laundering, intelligence manipulation and war crimes.

The BBC, widely respected and highly reputed for its precocious news bulletins, has announced it will start reporting from the scene of the future accident starting next Monday. "We want everyone in Britain to know that the BBC is doing its best to report on this upcoming national tragedy, so that the best possible light can be shown on Blair's time as our Prime Minister," the BBC said in a statement today. "We'd also like to stress that this will be a completely fortuitous accidental event."

The exact conditions surrounding the accident that will end the Prime Minister's life are not yet entirely known, although the mishap is expected to result from loss of control of the vehicle after it speeds through London streets, attempting to avoid inquisitive reporters and investigators who are working diligently to expose wrongdoing by the Blair government. Companies who have thus far given financial support to Blair, such as British Petrolium, have recently expressed their sincerest condolences for the upcoming tragedy.

Friday, March 16, 2007

China vows to put a factory on Mars by 2012

Red planet to be industrialized by Communist reds

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


The People's Republic of China announced plans Friday to build an off-global factory on Mars before 2012 with the financial backing of major Western corporations, sources reported exclusively to the La Rochelle Times. Citing the advantages of limited pollution regulations, absence of land ownership and vast untapped resources, Peking announced its plans to construct a Mars-based production center that would be able to produce units cheaply for export to Earth. The previously prohibitve costs of interplanetary transport will soon be resolved by increasingly advanced Chinese aero-spatial vehicles that utilize the latest in ramjet and nuclear-hyperdrive propulsion, designed by recent Chinese graduates of top American institutions.

Corporations such as Nike, Wal-Mart and Halliburton have promised billions to support the missions, that will ostensibly begin as soon as September. Once the factory is completed, these companies would retain exclusive production rights on impored Martian products sold on Earth, as well as the future exploitation of all Martian resources under the direction of the Chinese government.

Initially, probes and payload vehicles will be launched in order to establish primary colonies on the planet, which will be only the second in the solar system to have products with the Made In China label. In the coming years, teams of workers and settlers will follow in order to begin construction of new factories. It is hoped that carbon dioxide pollution produced at the new factories will contribute to a greenhouse effect and the development of a Martian atmosphere as an added benefit.

The expensive colonization and industrialization project will be financed primarily by the growing American trade deficit with Peking, which expects to repossess most of the American space program within the next several years. By combining the latest Chinese production methods with existing repossessed American technology, Peking maintains it intends to establish a permanent Communist presence on the red planet within six years, "passing the benefits on to consumers with cheaper production costs," Chinese officials said.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Republicans: Budget for next invasion must be 'on the house'

GOP unveils the 'Start Two Wars Get One Free Act'

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Republican and Democratic Congressional representatives came together in a show of bi-partisan unity on Thursday by proposing the Start Two Wars Get One Free Act (STWGOFA), also known as the McCain-Lieberman Bill. The proposal, which is expected to sail through Congress and be on President Bush's desk for signing by late next week, would pay for the next war with indiscretionary budget gerrymandering and cutting of essential services, essentially making the third front in the Global War on Terror "on the house," according to Congressional lawmakers.

"Today I am proud to stand here and say: Mr. President, the next one's on us!" announced Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) during a speech on the House floor Thursday afternoon. "We know that our Commander-in-Chief has a difficult task in fighting the terrorists to make America safe, so today we've decided to put our political differences aside and dedicate funds to the next war before it even begins."

Senators Phil Abusder (D-MI) and Harry Wetback (R-KY) have also endorsed the proposal in the Senate. Abusder told the La Rochelle Times the new measure "would give the President credit for the two wars he's started already, sort of like an Executive Branch frequent buyer's program. It will allow money to be set aside to fund much needed defense programs and weapons contracts for the upcoming war of the President's choosing."

While it has been widely known since July, 2006, that America has been ready to intervene, the budget for the intervention had not yet been entirely worked out. With the passage of the Start Two Wars Get One Free Act, fiscal policy, as well as intelligence, can be prepared in advance of any invasion the Leader wishes, so as to ensure maximum funding of the military on the newest battlefields, as well as the two other fronts in Eurasia.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Meteorologist really looking forward to next hurricane season

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


Local Atlanta-area meteorologist Sonny Hayes has recently expressed enthusiasm for the upcoming 2007 hurricane season, sources at Channel 13 Action News reported to the La Rochelle Times. The weatherman's colleagues and friends said they weren't surprised to learn of Hayes' excitement about the upcoming low pressure centers that will soon start forming new tropical depressions over the Atlantic Ocean.

"He practically lives for hurricane season," said investigative journalist and colleague Anna Recksicke. "During the winter months he just mopes around, sort of half-heartedly announcing the forecast. But as soon as those storms start blowing in from the south he really perks up a whole lot."

Hayes was in good spirits throughout 2005, when hurricanes blew through Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Texas, killing thousands and destroying entire cities, including New Orleans. "He really had a lot to talk about back then. He'd get multiple cut-away segments on practically every newscast," Recksicke explained. Hayes investigative meteorological reporting later helped the CIA determine Cuba's responsibility in deploying weather of mass destruction, and he was honored for his patriotism and bravery at an historic speech given by President Bush, during which the Leader announced the new doctrine that hurricanes were the enemies of freedom. Lately his office commentary has led his co-workers to believe the weatherman thinks about little other than forthcoming tropical depressions.

With the beginning of the official 2007 hurricane season in June, colleagues and friends expect Hayes to regain his typical upbeat character. "I'm sure when those new supercells come tearing through the Caribbean, he'll back on his game," said anchorman Dick Tate. "And that's understandable. He doesn't get a lot of airtime during the off-season."

Wendy Hayes, the weatherman's wife of twenty years, said she regularly experiences her husband's typical withdrawal symptoms after an arduous hurricane season. "Around about Christmas, he starts to get depressed, especially if it's been an active year. There's no more excitement around the weather office, and the forecasts aren't very interesting. I try to cheer him up but there's really nothing doing until the next storm season, when he can get back on television and report on the hypothetical catastrophic consequences. It was really tough for us after the fall of 2005. He sort of went into a tropical depression of his own. I guess if I was optimistic I'd say he'll have plenty to do in the coming years, especially if you believe in all that global warming stuff. He's really looking forward to this summer."

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Billary Clinton announces Presidential bid

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale


In an unsurprising surprise move, Senator and former President Billary Clinton announced an official bid for the 2008 Democratic nomination on Wednesday, after months of speculation. Washington insiders were exuberant after hearing the news, as they prepared for the plethora of no-bid government contracts that would soon come their way under the future Clinton administration.

"If Billary wins in '08, it will be a great day for America," said Mike Ash, a spokesman from the Society for the Heritage of International Tradtional Scholars (SHITS), a liberal Washington think tank and activist group. Billary also received the support of Federal Employees for Modernization of International and National Interstate Service Mail (FEMINISM), who have been pressing for important postal service reform.

Billary is expected to hit the campaign trail during the coming weeks in order to garner support and squelch any potential opposition before the Democratic primaries, the first of which will be held in a mere 278 days.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Holocaust discussion marred by awkward silence

Professor perturbed by uncomfortable questions

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale


A discussion class about the Holocaust became uncomfortable Wednesday afternoon when it was punctuated by a two minute silence in which both the instructor and students were at a seeming loss of words. History professor Greg Garius could not quickly recover from a blank inspired by surprise and disbelief after a student, Dean Eyre, asked if the Holocaust "had really happened," and, if so, where the proof could be found. In spite of the overwhelming evidence to back up Garius' assertions that the Nazi death squads had indeed killed millions of Jews, homosexuals, intellectuals and political dissidents, the discussion remained stalled for approximately two minutes and fourteen seconds while thoughts were gathered and puzzled looks were exchanged.

After Professor Garius reiterated the existence of photographic, audio, and video archives proving that there were indeed atrocities committed by the National Socialist party in Germany during the Second World War, students quickly resumed a thoughtful discussion about the consequences of the genocide. In addition to the initial uneasy silence, the questions remained uncomfortable for Garius, who was also asked by other students if he could see any parallels between current American foreign policy and recent events in the United States, and those of 1930s Nazi Germany. Garius dodged the question, reminding students that both he and the Society for the Heritage of Interational Traditional Scholars (SHITS) have urged students to ignore all recent historical events.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Study: Coolest presidents used their initials

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale


An independent, bipartisan, lesbian and transexual (IBLT) committee published a study Thursday that indicates America's coolest presidents used only their initials. In the report, the group showed that top contenders, such as JFK, LBJ and FDR, beat out other, less popular presidents who relied on their full names.

"We think this is a monumental contribution to America's historical legacy," said IBLT committee spokeswoman Jess Ticulate. "These findings will set an historical precedent, showing that in the future, presidents who want to be cool will have to use only their initials."

The committee looked at popularity ratings for several different administrations, dating back to World War I. It found that presidents who did not make their names "hip," such as Warren G. Harding, Harry Truman, or Richard Nixon, enjoyed substantially less popularity among American voters. Those with the highest popularity, including FDR and JFK, shortened their names to make them "totally cool." The study may influence the 2008 presidential race, although current Democratic candidates such as BO are already showing improving poll numbers. The study also confirmed that using initials is more important than the issues addressed by former leaders.

Previous IBLT findings include:
Hamilton chosen as sexiest treasurer ever